Support for Joyful11

[Romanseight2005]

Hopefully he will will not go back to her. Do you have a plan for making sure he sticks to it, like say, he has no contact for a certain amount of time?

 

[joyful11]

We have counseling tomorrow and I'm hoping to go over all of this. They still work together though......

 

[Romanseight2005]

I'll be praying for you!

 

[tp65]

J, I think it would really go a long way if he would agree to talk with his boss and let him/her know what has happened. If this person has any integrity, they will not spread rumors but they might make arrangements to move one of them out of the building (or floor or department, etc). She is not the problem (his addiction is) however, she is obviously a temptation he cannot easily ignore (due to the fact that she is not just willing but encouraging).

 

[tp65]

I'll be praying for you!

me too!!

 

[pete56]

J

That is good news that M has 'finished' with the other girl! But try to ensure that he 'produces fruit in keeping' with his professed action!

I dont know how you test it, but maybe you can write to his boss and ask them to do something along the lines that TP has suggested above here and see what effect that would have on him.

I am still praying and I hope that the counselling session will yield even more fruit!

Pete

 

[Canuk]

J - Just checking in after a Canadian long weekend.

I'm pleased to hear that M is saying the right things - I'm continuing to pray that he will DO the right thing now. I think that tp65 has made a great suggestion...and I hope that M can see the benefit in taking such a step. Obviously it's very easy for all of us to sit back and say that M should quit, or this or that should happen, however none of us are in your shoes, and know the logistics of your situation. I'll keep praying for your family...

 

[joyful11]

We had counseling today and the counselor suggested that I stay guarded for the next week to make sure he doesn't contact her. He also suggested that we stay separated for at least a month, so we are shooting for him coming home by our anniversary which is June 25, assuming he follows through with what he says he wants.

 

[tp65]

J, what does "stay guarded" mean? How will you know? Is he going to continue working with her?

 

[cory533]

J, what does "stay guarded" mean?

I think that means trust but verify. Good advice. I think I like this counceler.

 

[joyful11]

yes, that's what it means. I don't know what the work situation is going to be at this point. He actually got a job offer yesterday but it's for a TV show that is really raunchy, so that's not really an option.

 

[joyful11]

Actually, guarded means don't trust him yet. Let him prove to me this week that he means what he says, then maybe I can rebuild trust.

 

[Canuk]

Believe behavior, J. I think that is what guarded means....over the last year I have had to learn that whatever I say - be it about who I spend time with, what I watched on TV while my wife was gone, or something simple I was going to do - has to be true, and has to be followed through with. If my behavior - i.e. not picking up milk when I say that I will - doesn't back up my words, there is a problem. M's behavior needs to back up his words. I'm going to be praying that God provides another job for M...

 

[tp65]

Okay, guarded makes alot of sense to me. Canuk, I can't tell you what it means to have someone do what they say they will do no matter how small the task....it says alot about a person to me.

I, too, will start praying that God will find M a new and better job.

J, I think this is definitely a situation where taking more time before reuniting is better than less time. I know you want it to happen soon but it is good to take your time.

 

[Canuk]

J, I think this is definitely a situation where taking more time before reuniting is better than less time. I know you want it to happen soon but it is good to take your time.

Running short on time, but I wanted to highlite this statement...originally I don't think my wife took enough time, or made me take enough time, before we re-united the first time around. As a result, I think I skated through my recovery for a long time, never really getting healthy. J, don't do the easy thing...make sure you do the right thing.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I am so glad to hear you talk about the strictness, and time of rebuilding trust. So often I hear people getting upset, or having no patience at all for the suspicions of one who has been betrayed. It's just like building reputation,(in the real world, not on here,lol.) If one has lied much of his/her life, then it will take at least a year or possibly longer before anyone can start to think of him/her as an honest person. Good point!

Joyful11,
It sounds like you are being wise. I will be praying for you.

 

[cory533]

Trust does take time to build or rebuild. Sometimes though you have to give more trust than someone deserves to allow trust to be rebuilt.kinda like how you have to have credit to get credit. So Trust Jesus and let him lead you as to when or how to trust. This does not mean whimp out and roll over.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Yes, I see what you mean. We can put our trust in the Lord fully and completely and He can give us peace so that we are not worrying and walking around paranoid. We may ask more questions for awhile though, and ask that more accountability be set up, then would be there otherwise. If the spouse doesn't respond, we can still have a certain level of peace though by trusting in the Lord. This is actually my prayer for Joyful11. I am praying that she can have peace because of her trust in the Lord as her stronghold.

 

[Canuk]

Trust does take time to build or rebuild. Sometimes though you have to give more trust than someone deserves to allow trust to be rebuilt.kinda like how you have to have credit to get credit. So Trust Jesus and let him lead you as to when or how to trust. This does not mean whimp out and roll over.

Excellent point, Cory. There certainly are times where you need to simply let go and trust - whether the person deserves it or not. Much easier said than done though, I am sure.

I still maintain that it's up to the one who has broken the trust to do anything, and everything possible to rebuild that trust. I think it's pretty common for the offending spouse to say "I'm free, I'm healed, I'm not acting out anymore...why can't you trust me" - unfortunately when we have spent years lying about our actions, it isn't that easy.

 

[GoNoles]

The most awesome part of all of this is that recovery - and deliverance - really does take place for many men. It's interesting the way it happens, too. As some of you know, we use NetNanny as an internet blocker. Well, sometimes when my wife is on the computer, she will open it up as the administrator so that it won't keep giving her "block" messages over things the software perceives as violations (which are really just ######## things). Anyway, obviously, I don't have the option to "turn it off," so I deal with whatever blocking comes my way. Well, about two weeks ago, she was looking on the internet, then I joined her and we looked at a few things together. Then, I got on the computer and started working. I didn't realize she had left NetNanny in "supervisor" mode until after she had left the house. I had ample opportunity to do anything and everything I wanted to do, but I didn't even hesitate to put NetNanny back into operating mode... no temptation and no hesitation.