I'm really struggling. For my entire life my identity has been in being a Christian. When I was young, I got the following messages:
1) There is no fulfillment to be found within this life alone and to invest in worldly things is foolish.
2) There is someone you should be. Sure, everyone's different, but ideally you'd have the interests, passions, and attitudes that are most Christian.
3) God and eternal life are what matter. Focusing on anything else is foolish.
4) Humans are foolish by themselves and can only do good when looking through a Christian lens. There is nothing worse than straying from the path.
I heard these messages and responded like this: "Hmm, so I can't invest in this life, I would be disappointing if I wasn't this 'ideal' person, and humans in themselves are prone to wander. Well, it looks like there are pitfalls everywhere and the only safe thing to do is to be Christian and never look back. I must never allow myself to step even an inch away from Christianity. It's too risky."
So what I wound up with was an approach to life wherein being myself doesn't matter. All that matters is staying spiritually aligned. I've lived 22 years now and have never really defined myself or developed any passions because my focus has been on staying on the path, being who I should be. Every part of me that might have grown was stunted by the part of me that would ask, "Is that who you should be? You must remain correct. You must let your identity lie only in God. Don't tempt yourself with non-spiritual interests." So what I have is a self that is not really me at all. Have you heard "God first, others second, I'm third"? Well, I've taken that in a way that makes my natural identity the last thing allowed to be dealt with.
I've been in counseling lately and my counselor says I should be myself first and Christian second. He means that I should have an identity in myself as a human and from there choose Christianity. This feels very backward to me. Trust my own convictions? Give credit to what my mind actually thinks? That terrifies me. What if I cut the safety tether I have with Christianity and start interpreting life on my own? I might in my freedom decide that Christianity is not true! Then I'd pay for the consequences eternally.
So what I'm looking for is this: should I be myself first and foremost (whether that results in me being a Christian or not) or should I continue forcing my adherence to Christianity because it's true and not worry about being "myself"?
**I posted this elsewhere, but want a Presbyterian perspective because I grew up Presbyterian and one of the things bothering me is this: if humans are totally depraved, then how can I trust myself to choose what I believe in life? The instant I step away from Christianity, then I am in a state where I know my soul can only lead me away from God. Therefore, I really can't afford to give myself religious choice. It's safest to just sit passively and hope that God works in me.
1) There is no fulfillment to be found within this life alone and to invest in worldly things is foolish.
2) There is someone you should be. Sure, everyone's different, but ideally you'd have the interests, passions, and attitudes that are most Christian.
3) God and eternal life are what matter. Focusing on anything else is foolish.
4) Humans are foolish by themselves and can only do good when looking through a Christian lens. There is nothing worse than straying from the path.
I heard these messages and responded like this: "Hmm, so I can't invest in this life, I would be disappointing if I wasn't this 'ideal' person, and humans in themselves are prone to wander. Well, it looks like there are pitfalls everywhere and the only safe thing to do is to be Christian and never look back. I must never allow myself to step even an inch away from Christianity. It's too risky."
So what I wound up with was an approach to life wherein being myself doesn't matter. All that matters is staying spiritually aligned. I've lived 22 years now and have never really defined myself or developed any passions because my focus has been on staying on the path, being who I should be. Every part of me that might have grown was stunted by the part of me that would ask, "Is that who you should be? You must remain correct. You must let your identity lie only in God. Don't tempt yourself with non-spiritual interests." So what I have is a self that is not really me at all. Have you heard "God first, others second, I'm third"? Well, I've taken that in a way that makes my natural identity the last thing allowed to be dealt with.
I've been in counseling lately and my counselor says I should be myself first and Christian second. He means that I should have an identity in myself as a human and from there choose Christianity. This feels very backward to me. Trust my own convictions? Give credit to what my mind actually thinks? That terrifies me. What if I cut the safety tether I have with Christianity and start interpreting life on my own? I might in my freedom decide that Christianity is not true! Then I'd pay for the consequences eternally.
So what I'm looking for is this: should I be myself first and foremost (whether that results in me being a Christian or not) or should I continue forcing my adherence to Christianity because it's true and not worry about being "myself"?
**I posted this elsewhere, but want a Presbyterian perspective because I grew up Presbyterian and one of the things bothering me is this: if humans are totally depraved, then how can I trust myself to choose what I believe in life? The instant I step away from Christianity, then I am in a state where I know my soul can only lead me away from God. Therefore, I really can't afford to give myself religious choice. It's safest to just sit passively and hope that God works in me.