Raped

[Naal]

I need some advice on how to pull him up.

My boyfriend was raped twice by a babysitter and a family friend when he was six years old and eight. He is now 23, where as I am 22, and still dealing with the everyday nightmare of these memories. He has never delt with the issues and continues to push them down. He has only recently told his father, while his mother knew all along but never said anything.

I'd like to note, though, that he moved to America from his home country with his dad and brother when he was eleven. He has not seen his mother since then.

I have many friends whom have been raped or assaulted, but all of them women. I'm not saying the trauma is worse for a man, just different. His view on sex growing up was that it disgusted him. Up to the point of us starting to date, thinking/talking about sex or anything of that nature made him want to vomit. He admits that it still gets him a sick occasionally. Occasionally he sometimes caves in on himself with depression, and pulls away from all of society; it kills me every time.

How can I help him? What can I do to support him? By the Grace of God I have never been touched/raped so I don't know what to say or do in this situation. Other than encouraging him to seek counseling, which he is doing currently, is there anything else I can do?

 

[Johnnz]

Just be his friend. He will need to work through his issues before thinking about marriage though. He cannot adequately participate in a marriage until he has settled issues within himself.

John
NZ

 

[Naal]

I didn't think I suggested anything about marriage on that post? We know this fact all ready.

 

[ConsiderableSpeck]

It's great that you want to help and you can. But just be aware that it's not your place to pull him up or "fix him". He'll have to come to terms with this in his own time and in his own way. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't force the issue. If he does want to talk about it, just listen. Actively listen (you can find plenty of information on active listening skills), without trying to make it all better (because you can't). Don't give advice ... it's better if you can help him come to his own solutions when he's ready to do so, and not before.

If you can simply be there, in a non-threatening, non- pushy way, validating his feelings without any hint of judgment and letting him process this in his own time and in his own way, you'll be a true friend.

 

[Elvenkind]

Sounds a bit like me with the disgust feeling, at a age of 30 I've gotten almost completely asexual. And I know the cave thing too. At least he is lucky that got good friends that care. So I echo jonnz and say be his friend and be there for him.

 

[Criada]

I agree with the others, just be there for him, let him know that you love him, and support him in whatever way he needs. If he is happy with the idea, maybe you could go to a couple of counseling sessions with him to work through your response to his situation and how best to support him.
Praying for you both

 

[brandon.j]

If your boyfriend is still suffering such severe effects from the trauma then please get him to see a mental health professional. If he hasn't gotten better on his own after so many years then most likely he'll never get better without professional mental health services. Males often have a harder time dealing with rape than women because of masculinity and a number of other factors so please get him professional help.

God bless, the both of you will be in my prayers