Christian married to non-Christian advice

[TX_mom84]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now. We started dating 15 years ago, got engaged after 4 years, married 3 yrs later. I was far from God when I met him. We lived in sin. Our relationship was tumultuous and a big part of that was an ex of his that he in his words "had been unhealthily obsessed with". She lived(s) in CA and he/we in TX...even when they were in a relationship. Not going into specifics, but bottom line is I came back to God after we had our first child. We now have 2 together. There are a lot of issues in our marriage. Our communication when we fight is non-existent. He fights dirty (with his words). He doesn't like to talk about it/resolve it after we've both calmed down. He refuses counselling. I am on a waitlist for counselling at our church because I don't know how to even deal with our marriage. There has been no physical infidelity, but there is virtually zero intimacy. The only time he wants it is when he's been drinking. He drinks (beer) every night and that doesn't mean he wants intimacy every night...that is very sporadic, just saying he drinks every night. We sleep in separate beds mainly bc I go to bed at a decent hour while he stays up drinking. Then he falls asleep on the couch and eventually moves to an empty bed in the house, rather than coming to our bed. I have begged him to go on dates and just the two of us do something together. His response is that it is a waste of money and we have nothing to talk about bc we see each other all the time. I get no affection from him. When he wakes up in the morning, he acknowledges our two girls, kisses them and says good morning to them. I have to address him in order for him to acknowledge me. He's not mean about it, just very apathetic. I believe that he does love me on a companion type level....like me and the girls are his family and he's been with me for 15 years now, but I don't get a sense of husband type of love from him. If I bring up how I feel, he gets defensive. I've gotten to the point where it literally hurts to love him bc I don't get that from him. He will say "I love you" back to me, but again, unless he's drunk, he never says it first and gets mad when i try to tell him I don't feel loved. I have struggled with this for a while and then have sensed something off with him the past few days. I opened his facebook and checked his search and a few days ago, he searched for this ex in CA. Thing is, he searched her current married name. So, he knew she had gotten remarried and I can't find anything in previous history that showed he searched her and came to find out she was married. Somehow he knew her current name. And look, I get being curious about people in your past. Its just the combination of everything. I truly dont feel he loves me how he loved her. A few months back, he was again drunk, and broke down in tears saying he didn't know what to do bc he felt like the past screwed him up. He basically admitted he couldn't really love me bc of it. I have really been praying for his salvation, but this makes it hard. I know God can take brokenness like this and turn it all around and I pray for that every day, every minute. I just can't even look my husband in the eye right now. I've completely shut down emotionally again but I feel stuck in what to do. I don't believe divorce is right in this situation. I get that I made a choice and this is a consequence but I go to a really dark place when I realize I may be living in a loveless marriage the rest of my life. I have been having mini panic attacks the past few days. Again, waiting for a counselling spot to open up, but not sure how much longer I can hang on with some direction before this all implodes into a full-on fight.

 

[tturt]

Sorry that you are going through this.

There is marital advice in Scripture such as "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph 4:26 Personally, I've found the sooner I apologize the better. Sometimes it's for my behavior , tone or attitude during a disagreement. - how I've said things or the words I"ve used. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Pro 15:1).

Also, husbands love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). How would your husband define you giving him respect?

Forgive - if needed everyday

Prayer and fasting. Asking God what changes you need to make.

Encourage you to watch "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All his teachings are Biblically based and there's hundreds on youtube.

Sure hope some of this will help you.

 

[TX_mom84]

Sorry that you are going through this.

There is marital advice in Scripture such as "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph 4:26 Personally, I've found the sooner I apologize the better. Sometimes it's for my behavior , tone or attitude during a disagreement. - how I've said things or the words I"ve used. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Pro 15:1).

Also, husbands love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). How would your husband define you giving him respect?

Forgive - if needed everyday

Prayer and fasting. Asking God what changes you need to make.

Encourage you to watch "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All his teachings are Biblically based and there's hundreds on youtube.

Sure hope some of this will help you.

I choose forgiveness daily and really I’m not angry with him anymore. I can’t make someone love me. God can do that. I’m just trying to find a way to deal with it in the mean time. Do I confront him? Turn a blind eye? No answer seems to be right. If I confront him, he will get defensive. If I turn a blind eye, I’m not being truthful to myself or him.

 

[studentinprayer]

That is certainly a most difficult situation.

I was far from God when I met him. We lived in sin. Our relationship was tumultuous and a big part of that was an ex of his that he in his words "had been unhealthily obsessed with". She lived(s) in CA and he/we in TX...even when they were in a relationship. Not going into specifics, but bottom line is I came back to God after we had our first child. We now have 2 together. There are a lot of issues in our marriage. Our communication when we fight is non-existent. He fights dirty (with his words). He doesn't like to talk about it/resolve it after we've both calmed down. He refuses counselling. I am on a waitlist for counselling at our church because I don't know how to even deal with our marriage. There has been no physical infidelity, but there is virtually zero intimacy. The only time he wants it is when he's been drinking. He drinks (beer) every night and that doesn't mean he wants intimacy every night...that is very sporadic, just saying he drinks every night.

Do you think he feels judged by you for drinking every night and feeling you use to live in sin? I know for a lot of people that causes them to refuse to speak honestly as they can't face that judgment head on. If so, perhaps you can modify your approach in order to change the result of your attempts at change.

I have begged him to go on dates and just the two of us do something together. His response is that it is a waste of money and we have nothing to talk about bc we see each other all the time. I get no affection from him.

And you tried/try to show him affection? Just trying to understand, as there is the situations of differing levels of affection and one of two people in resentment for different reasons. If you have read the 5 love languages, which would you say is yours and which are his?

He will say "I love you" back to me, but again, unless he's drunk, he never says it first and gets mad when i try to tell him I don't feel loved.

Does he get drunk alone or with friends?

I just can't even look my husband in the eye right now. I've completely shut down emotionally again but I feel stuck in what to do. I don't believe divorce is right in this situation. I get that I made a choice and this is a consequence but I go to a really dark place when I realize I may be living in a loveless marriage the rest of my life. I have been having mini panic attacks the past few days.

I bet, it sounds like a very difficult situation. This is why you must heal your emotional wounds first then the rifts in the marriage.

I can’t make someone love me. God can do that. I’m just trying to find a way to deal with it in the mean time. Do I confront him? Turn a blind eye? No answer seems to be right. If I confront him, he will get defensive. If I turn a blind eye, I’m not being truthful to myself or him.

Your husband doesn't seem like a happy guy and he certainly is showing signs of resentment. But, if I felt my wife judged me, only was with me by obligation and felt unloved by me after years together I wouldn't be the nicest guy either because I'd feel like an absolute hopeless failure in that department. I am not trying to say it's your fault. I simply have helped many people change their feelings and from my experience until your feelings change, his are even less like to change.

 

[Joy]

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[Diamond7]

I've gotten to the point where it literally hurts to love him bc I don't get that from him.

I was attending a church that had a very nice time of worship and praise. One Sunday I left the church and usually was alone for the rest of the day. Then I realized that God had filled me with his love. I do not want to be loved, I want someone to love, that can receive the love of God from me. Not everyone is able to receive love. No matter how much we give or love people, they are only going to give or love at the level they are at. This is why our reward is with God and we do not expect people to return what are able to give.

God made us men and women. I have often wondered why He did that. But the reason seems to be so that we can be joined back together again in Him. So we do not really have the relationship He intends for us apart from Him.