Prospects for widowed homemaker

[akmom]

I hope I am not intruding on this forum, as I am not a widow, but I do have some concerns about my recently-widowed mother, and I thought this might be the best forum for answers.

My dad died unexpectedly last week, despite good health and no known medical conditions. He was 56, and my mom is 55. He has always been the breadwinner and made a good income. My mom never worked or got any education. She didn't finish high school either. They owned their home and vehicles.

My dad wasn't old enough to retire, but he had a 401(k). I don't know if she can get that before she turns 60. He had a small life insurance policy that would be possible to live off for 5 years, if carefully budgeted. I don't know what she will do about health insurance, as she was covered under my dad's company-sponsored plan. She never intended to have a job, and I have no idea if she would be able to find one or perform at one. What does one typically do when widowed at age 55? She said they didn't really plan for retirement, even when he was alive. He liked working, and didn't plan to retire until he had to. He also didn't plan to die this young.

 

[keith99]

She may be eligible for Social Security Survivors benefits. Try looking it up online.

http://www.ssa.gov/survivorplan/ifyou5.htm

Looks like she is eligible for 71% of what his retirement benefits would have been.

 

[blackribbon]

No she is not eligible for survivor's benefits at age 55 unless she is disabled. She can access his 401K without penalty but will have to pay taxes on the income. If she can take out only part will depend on the company it is filed with. I had to take it all in one lump which meant a hunk of taxes. There might also be a time frame to do this..I can't remember.

Unfortunately, there really isn't much for those of us who are widowed younger than is expected. She will qualify for social security at the "normal" ages...and probably will qualify for medicaid insurance right now...if she takes out the retirement money though, that might make her "income" too high...so talk to the medicaid people BEFORE accessing that money.

She will get $250 from the government to help bury him (hahaha...what a joke that is...my husband's funeral without the plot was $10,500 and that was getting a "budget" plan...luckily the plot was free in a family graveyard) and that is probably it.

So much for the "rich widow" that everyone seems to think we become.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[keith99]

No she is not eligible for survivor's benefits at age 55 unless she is disabled. She can access his 401K without penalty but will have to pay taxes on the income. If she can take out only part will depend on the company it is filed with. I had to take it all in one lump which meant a hunk of taxes. There might also be a time frame to do this..I can't remember.

Unfortunately, there really isn't much for those of us who are widowed younger than is expected. She will qualify for social security at the "normal" ages...and probably will qualify for medicaid insurance right now...if she takes out the retirement money though, that might make her "income" too high...so talk to the medicaid people BEFORE accessing that money.

She will get $250 from the government to help bury him (hahaha...what a joke that is...my husband's funeral without the plot was $10,500 and that was getting a "budget" plan...luckily the plot was free in a family graveyard) and that is probably it.

So much for the "rich widow" that everyone seems to think we become.

I am sorry for your loss.

Burial is such a scam. If it were legal I'd go for mass cremation with peoples pets. Then the cost would be a couple of hundred bucks.

Thanks for catching my bad on what she can do.

I'm pretty sure she can roll over any 401K to a plan where she can access part of it. But as yuo suggested for somethgin else she should check first. At the least the clock starts ticking as soon as the withdrawal, at the worst doing it wrong makes it all taxable.

 

[blackribbon]

I am not sure that "rolling it over" is an options since the original account belongs to the person who died. I believe that rolling it over only applies to the original owner. I could be wrong though. It has been a few years since I messed with my husbands. I may have chosen the option I did because I knew I might need the money to live on long before I'd get to retirement age and accessing it before then would mean I would get taxed AND penalized.

 

[brushofangelwings]

akmom, if possible, seek an elder law attorney for correct answers; in fact, have your mother do that. I'm presuming she did not have a living trust?

 

[dayhiker]

akmom .. sorry to hear this. hugz

 

[rakz105]

Sorry to hear of your loss.
Hope your mom will be able to cope with the changes in her life.
Hugs,
Rakz

 

[freezerman2000]

akmom,I'm not a widower,but I have a suggestion.
If she downsizes,getting a smaller house and liquidates any vehicles she no longer needs,she can invest the remaining money and if managed wisely,be able to not have to worry about her financial state.
I hope that he invested some of his income..that will certainly help.
Sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[blackribbon]

You all talk like there is no emotion involved. Selling the home is not just a financial decision, it is selling a lot of memories that tie you to the one that died. You don't understand how hard it is to sell "his" car even though you don't need it anymore. Give her time to grieve and think before you suggest these things. Unless she is a dummy, she will figure it out herself and figure out what she can part with emotionally. In the meantime, she might surprise you by getting a part time job or something like going back to school to just feel the empty time. She may even date and remarry. 55 isn't young but it isn't "too old" either. However, refrain from giving too much "advice" right now...you said she can survive for 5 years....give her room in that time to figure out who she is now without your dad and give her time to grieve. I personally hated all the "advice" I got...most of it showed that nobody really knew me and it showed that most people thought I didn't have a brain in my body. Give her time to grieve before you push her to make decisions. I made more than one decision that I still regret to just get some "concerned" family member off my back. They didn't understand what was really important to me.

 

[freezerman2000]

You all talk like there is no emotion involved. Selling the home is not just a financial decision, it is selling a lot of memories that tie you to the one that died. You don't understand how hard it is to sell "his" car even though you don't need it anymore. Give her time to grieve and think before you suggest these things. Unless she is a dummy, she will figure it out herself and figure out what she can part with emotionally. In the meantime, she might surprise you by getting a part time job or something like going back to school to just feel the empty time. She may even date and remarry. 55 isn't young but it isn't "too old" either. However, refrain from giving too much "advice" right now...you said she can survive for 5 years....give her room in that time to figure out who she is now without your dad and give her time to grieve. I personally hated all the "advice" I got...most of it showed that nobody really knew me and it showed that most people thought I didn't have a brain in my body. Give her time to grieve before you push her to make decisions. I made more than one decision that I still regret to just get some "concerned" family member off my back. They didn't understand what was really important to me.

I'm not pushing anyone..just being realistic.
When my dad died,mom took the proper steps and lived comfortably for the rest of her life.
If the house will be a financial burden,downsize.Same as cars she will no longer need..
Nobody can live on emotions or memories.
She needs to contact a financial advisor who is reputable,but the decisions are ultimately hers.

 

[freezerman2000]

Ribbon,I'm sorry if I sounded harsh..not intended
Some folks grieve and let the finances go to pot,because of the survivor either not knowing what to do or waiting to long to act, penalties or other unseen parts of contracts that may have been signed ..I have seen it happen.
Others acted ASAP and were financially set for the rest of their lives.

 

[ciaomamma]

I don't have any helpful tips OP but I feel for you, the same thing just happened to me except my parents poorly planned their retirement and now my mum is basically homeless!

 

[akmom]

Thank you for all your helpful advice. We had quite a few widows and widowers in our community share their financial experiences and advice, but ultimately everyone's situation is different, so it wasn't clear what options my mother had. So I convinced her to see a financial advisor that was recommended by several different people. He helped her make a plan that put us all at ease.

I am a little worried about her spending impulsively, because in the past that has been a problem for her, which my dad was always able to accommodate. Also I am worried about her getting bullied into spending or lending money to other people instead of budgeting and investing the way her advisor taught her. That has been a problem in the past too. But so far she has received continuous support from friends, her church, my church, and the community. It has been two months and she still gets daily visits and phone calls. That is so important for a stay-at-home wife that didn't have so many social connections to begin with. My dad was loved by a lot of people, which I think has made a big difference, because those people have responded with much love and kindness toward my mom and our family.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

 

[pdudgeon]

Thank you for all your helpful advice. We had quite a few widows and widowers in our community share their financial experiences and advice, but ultimately everyone's situation is different, so it wasn't clear what options my mother had. So I convinced her to see a financial advisor that was recommended by several different people. He helped her make a plan that put us all at ease.

I am a little worried about her spending impulsively, because in the past that has been a problem for her, which my dad was always able to accommodate. Also I am worried about her getting bullied into spending or lending money to other people instead of budgeting and investing the way her advisor taught her. That has been a problem in the past too. But so far she has received continuous support from friends, her church, my church, and the community. It has been two months and she still gets daily visits and phone calls. That is so important for a stay-at-home wife that didn't have so many social connections to begin with. My dad was loved by a lot of people, which I think has made a big difference, because those people have responded with much love and kindness toward my mom and our family.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

the best way to counter impulsive spending is to set up her monthly budget so that she has a set amount of 'mad money' that she can spend each month. make sure that it is in the form of actual cash, and not just drawn from a checking or savings account.
Real money to spend when going out or buying something that she wants (or even giving it away) is what will keep her within a budget.

I'm very glad that she has such a good support group around her.

 

[blackribbon]

As I look at all the wedding rings posting which means your spouses are probably still alive...I guess I am grateful that you have never had to experience the disappointment of realizing that you woke up one more time because you are not sure how you are going to breathe for another day without the one you can't live without...I couldn't discuss finances...I REALLY didn't care because it seems so irrelevant and stupid of a concept to think about when you don't care if you live or die. Luckily God did look out for me. Yes, maybe it is more practical to nag your moms into getting their lives put together financially...but have some compassion if she can't face it. Sometimes life isn't about what is practical...matter of fact, when someone dies, nothing feels practical.

The day my kids put me on an "allowance" after I raised them is the day I start hoarding medicine so that they don't have to worry about me anymore. Enough said.

I lost a lot of money because I couldn't act. You know what, I don't care...it is just money. It bothers my mother. You know how that feels to me...that the money is more important to her than my feelings. Death money doesn't feel good to collect. I'd rather have him...keep your stupid money and just give me him back.

And in case you feel like I am stupid or incompetent, I have returned to school and gotten my nursing license (RN) since he died while raising our kids alone...it is still "just money" and although it would be nice to have, I can say 6 years later, I was not able to face all that paperwork and legal documents that said "HE IS REALLY DEAD"... Every stupid piece of paper that has to be signed is one more confirmation that he isn't coming back and that we are really alone.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't have any helpful tips OP but I feel for you, the same thing just happened to me except my parents poorly planned their retirement and now my mum is basically homeless!

Your mom is basically homeless? What is wrong with your home? I suspect that you spent a number of years living under her roof rent-free...too bad she didn't save all that money that she spend on your extras. Maybe she would have enough to actually buy a house of her own.

Nothing like letting our parents grow up to be treated like children and burdens....

 

[blackribbon]

Others acted ASAP and were financially set for the rest of their lives.

Well, didn't they hit the jackpot? there isn't any money that would keep you "set for life" that won't keep for a few months or even years... Isn't great to be a rich widow instead of a happy married couple.

Have you ever gotten a bill for $99,000? I did ... in fact it was waiting for me when I walked into my home a couple days after he died.

Have you ever had to explain on the phone that there is no way your husband spent a $1000 dollars in a town you have never visited ... maybe because he had been dead six months on the day of the purchase...and have to send them a copy of both his drivers licence and his death certificate to make them quit calling you. For that matter, have you ever had to touch a piece of paper that said your best friend was officially dead ... no doubt about it ... you are completely on your own and your bed is now empty forever ....

Have you ever had to list your "estate" and give it to a judge...try summing his life up into a monetary amount...including the house you live in, the car you drive, the computer you type on...item by item until they tell you how much your spouse was worth?....how much was your dad worth to you? can you really put a dollar amount on it? ... how much are your kids or your husband worth?... what if they tell you he wasn't "worth anything significant"...do you feel the same way. My husband's value was much greater than the dollar sign they attached to him....I think I almost physically puked after having to stand in front of the judge and be granted the right to continue to live in my house, drive my car, and let my kids watch the tv they always had watch....

I still get advertisments for prepaid burial plans ... addressed to him. I used to send them back with a note saying that they were "too late"... sometime humor is needed to keep breathing.

I even had the Society of the County Sheriffs (or whatever they were called) tell me after I said he had passed away that my husband pledged money every year and that they were sure he would want me to continue the tradition...(ha! I knew he didn't give them money) ...

 

[blackribbon]

Maybe the best answer is to sign her up for a dating website...so she can meet a nice widower who will take care of her....and you don't have to worry about her finances anymore.

 

[freezerman2000]

Well, didn't they hit the jackpot? there isn't any money that would keep you "set for life" that won't keep for a few months or even years... Isn't great to be a rich widow instead of a happy married couple.

Have you ever gotten a bill for $99,000? I did ... in fact it was waiting for me when I walked into my home a couple days after he died

Have you ever had to explain on the phone that there is no way your husband spent a $1000 dollars in a town you have never visited ... maybe because he had been dead six months on the day of the purchase...and have to send them a copy of both his drivers licence and his death certificate to make them quit calling you. For that matter, have you ever had to touch a piece of paper that said your best friend was officially dead ... no doubt about it ... you are completely on your own and your bed is now empty forever ....

Have you ever had to list your "estate" and give it to a judge...try summing his life up into a monetary amount...including the house you live in, the car you drive, the computer you type on...item by item until they tell you how much your spouse was worth?....how much was your dad worth to you? can you really put a dollar amount on it? ... how much are your kids or your husband worth?... what if they tell you he wasn't "worth anything significant"...do you feel the same way. My husband's value was much greater than the dollar sign they attached to him....I think I almost physically puked after having to stand in front of the judge and be granted the right to continue to live in my house, drive my car, and let my kids watch the tv they always had watch....

I still get advertisments for prepaid burial plans ... addressed to him. I used to send them back with a note saying that they were "too late"... sometime humor is needed to keep breathing.

I even had the Society of the County Sheriffs (or whatever they were called) tell me after I said he had passed away that my husband pledged money every year and that they were sure he would want me to continue the tradition...(ha! I knew he didn't give them money) ...

My mom did as I suggested and lived comfortably for the rest of her life..it took care of her nursing home bills also,when it was needed to place her there.
Set for life does not need to mean filthy rich..it means not having to worry about everyday living expenses.
It sounds like your husband's estate was placed in probate.Mine probably will be as well,but the house is clear of that,it is in a trust.
I still get mail addressed to my dad..he's been gone since 1994. you are not alone there.
My wife's first(deceased)husband still has nasty letters coming from the IRS,even after we provided them with a death certificate..I called them and they told me that their computer sends them out,but to deep six them when they arrive.