In the USA. Don't know how I set that to France, sorry.
Been wanting to die. I feel it's all over
Do your grandparents know about this? Are you suicidal and do you grandparents know?
If you have a suicide plan; you need to go to a hospital; ASAP.
Both my son and myself have been hospitalized. He was 12 and I was 27 years old upon our separate hospitalizations. My hospitalization was 3 years before my son was born.
I'd gone to a counselor assigned to me by my employment assistance program. About the 3rd visit; I told her what my suicide plan was. She said: "Wait right there." She talked to her supervisor and about 10 minutes later, an ambulance came to get me. I spent 2 weeks inpatient. 4 weeks outpatient - (partial hospitalization program) and went to a day treatment program for 3 months from there. It took about 6 months before I was emotionally stable enough to go back to work part time. I was diagnosed with a major depressive episode and PTSD. This was 1998. 5 years after I got out of the military. I did clean up after the 1991 Persian Gulf War.
Psych hospitalizations aren't a lot of "fun". Psych floors are very regulated. Generally breakfast is at 8 AM; groups start at 9 AM and run to about 3 to 4 PM. Lunch is at noon and dinner is at 5 PM. Patients are in their rooms by 8 PM; lights out by 9 PM. You either sleep with a light on or staff shine a flashlight in your room about every 1/2 hour. They take anything away from you that you can hang yourself with. (Shoe laces, belts, spiral notebooks (because of the wire binding).) But that's "suicide watch".
Also, the doors to the floor are locked. You can not leave at will. If you become violent, they will restrain you. They will put you in a "time out" room (which has matts and padded walls; or if you require further restraint; they will put you in what's called a "full sheet"; which basically you are strapped to a gurney / bed. If absolutely necessary; they will chemically restrain patients.
Upon admission they will check your blood and urine for drugs and alcohol (as well as endocrine problems). If you do not have substances in your system; they will put you on a "neuro-psych" floor. If you do have substances in your system they will put you on a "MICA - mentally ill / chemically addicted" floor. I was on a neuro-psych floor.
There were about 10 to 12 patients on the floor when I was there. The patients ranged in age from 18 to 80. There were about 4 of us who were there for suicide attempts / plans. A couple of developmentally disabled people who were there on "med holiday". There was one woman in her 60's who was receiving electric shock therapy. and at least two other people who were awaiting placement in long term psych facilities. Both the them had schizophrenia. There was one other patient my age who was bipolar and about 3 college students who were there for a weekend simply because they were stressed out from exams and said they were suicidal. Being on the psych floor was a very enlightening experience for them; because they met people like me.
(Today it's a lot harder to get admitted to a psych floor. The admission criteria as well as the length of stay criteria has changed. This is mostly on account of what insurance is willing to pay for now. Most psych patient admissions today are about 5 days and one is only admitted if they are a danger to themselves or others.)
I was on suicide watch, my suite mate was on suicide watch and one man in his 40's who'd been admitted through the ER when his wife found him in the garage unconscious with the car running. He's been on the floor for almost a month when I was admitted. My suite mate came in about a week after I did and was there for about a week. She had chronic medical issues and had recently had a leg amputated. I was the only veteran on that floor.
(Today veterans are transferred to VA facilities. I'm currently in a VA mental health program that's similar to a day treatment program. I've been in this program 3 days a week for almost 3 months now. Although this is more of a mental health life skills program, than it is for patients with acute symptoms. Each veteran participant has at least 1X a week counseling and we attend participatory group classes. This program is geared more for emotionally stable patients who need ongoing mental health self management skills.)
But when I was in the hospital. (Civilian hospital system acute care psych ward.) During and after groups; patients would meet in the solarium (where we'd eat meals) and we'd talk about stuff. One nurse on the floor (who been assigned to me); at one point, told me: "I know you feel like your going crazy; but your not; you're going sane" And that stuck with me. I liked that nurse. She was very helpful to me and I drew her a picture of a Native American girl with a wolf companion. She's told me that she'd put it in a frame and hung it on her wall at home.
I'd told my son that same thing many years later. "You're not going crazy. You're going sane." (He was on the child / adolescent psych ward for 5 days; after he tried to jump out of a 2nd story window at school.)
The little older woman undergoing electric shock treatment: myself, my suite mate and the young woman with bipolar had sort of taken to "taking care" of the little oder woman. She couldn't eat breakfast until after her treatments; and we'd sit with her and reassure her that we'd make sure her breakfast was still there when she came back. She'd sit on the couch and cry and we'd sit with her until they came to get her for treatments. (about half way through breakfast). Then we'd go eat ourselves. And when she'd come back, if there was no staff available, we'd sit with her and make sure she knew she had a breakfast. (Sometimes she'd eat it and sometimes she wouldn't. ECT makes one nauseous.)
I had grown a bit fond of her, because after treatments and when the rest of us we were in group; she'd wander the floor and when she'd see my stuffed lion (I had a Lion King Simba stuffed animal) She'd swipe him and we'd find her petting him in her room. LOL. She liked his fuzzy mane.) The staff would get a bit annoyed with me for not reporting her taking stuff out of other patients rooms; (we weren't allowed to go into other patients' rooms) but I never got mad at her. She was pretty harmless. 5 foot little woman (former school teacher) who was maybe 100 pounds soaking wet. She cried a lot; which was why she was being given ECT. The various medications she'd been on, no longer worked for her.
There was one time my suite mate and myself "hid" her in our bathroom when one of the developmentally disabled individuals got pi** off and was chasing a doctor down the hall. He was like 300 pounds and 2 male nurses were chasing him, so he didn't kill his doctor. Psych floors aren't exactly "quiet" places either. I knew that though, because I worked in a group home and we occasionally had residents who'd get mad and chase staff through the house; and we'd have to restrain them too. So, there wasn't much that happened on the psych ward that surprised me. (If you are not aware of this stuff though; yeah, it can be pretty scary!)
Several college students (two who'd been admitted for observation and one who came up to the floor to interview a patient for a writing project); talked to me. And I was a "reasonable" patient to talk to, because I was one of the more lucid ones. And after having a couple of discussions with me; the students who were admitted for observation; basically apologized for being there and said they'd only said they were suicidal because they were stressed out from exams. (It was spring time and finals were due.) They'd said: "We understand now that patients like you really need to be here; we don't. You guys are really depressed. We're only just afraid of failing our finals." And they were discharged by the end of that weekend. (This was after talking to me, the girl with bipolar, one of the older women with schizophrenia and the fellow who'd been on the floor for a month.)
Partial hospitalization was... interesting. That program wasn't sure they could keep me because my PTSD nightmares were triggering other patients. But through that program was how I basically found out about the day treatment program. Two other patients I remember from the partial hospital program that I spent lunches with: One was wheelchair bound and the other had anorexia. We kind of "found" each other because our struggles were so different. But in the end; we were all just people trying to find our way through our diagnosis and what was going to be the next step in our lives? Yet all traveling very different paths.
The day treatment program I went to was a civilian run / mostly sexual abuse trauma survivor program. (I "qualified" there too.) And the psychiatrist who was assigned to me kept encouraging me to go to the VA. He'd tell me. "I know people over there who can help you better than we can. They are trained in dealing with veterans with PTSD." One of the other things he told me was that he believed I could actually recover. (But he told me I had to get away from my family.) He said: "You've graduated from college. You can hold down a job. You were in the military for 3 years. You have capabilities that most of the other patients in this program don't have." And I remember sitting there looking at him and crying saying: "Do you really think I can get better?" He said: "Yes I do."
He was right.
And yes, it's taken years. I'm not "cured". I never will be. I still have dreams about the war; but they don't send me over the edge any more. I still deal with the affects of growing up in my extremely dysfunctional family. (My brother is a pedophile and my mother was an alcoholic. Both my parents are now deceased.)
My brain now has developed a mechanism to convey to me when I have war dreams that this is a dream. It's not really happening now. So, I no longer think I'm back in the middle of it when I do have dreams about being in the military. Once in a while I still have war dreams that I can't tell if they are real or not; but they are fewer and further between. It took about 10 years to get Desert Storm out of my head. - In the sense of the way that I can cope with it now.
But I did raise my son; (mostly on my own). I own a house; can drive; have a part time job; managed to graduate with a BA in psychology. We were all in a catastrophic car accident in 2010; which is the reason for my mobility impairment. I walk on crutches and have a ridged framed wheelchair. Had multiple broken bones and a lot of injuries to my legs. I also had a traumatic brain injury. And though I have some pretty obvious limitations; I can still function fairly well.
So no, I don't believe that you can't successfully learn how to manage your depression and other circumstances. It's not magic; it does take work on your part. But anything that's worth doing is going to take effort. And your effort will pay off; but you have to be willing to put something into it too.
Nothing in life is easy.
Personally, I suggest you try magnesium taurate and a good plant based multivitamin and even some extra vitamin D, vitamin C and Quercetin; for a good month before you try pharmaceutical antidepressants. Those are some of the non-pharmaceuticals I give my son; as well as one's I take myself. He takes Vimpat for is epilepsy. But that's the only pharma drug he's on. I'm not on any pharmaceutical drugs except PRN Ativan for some medical procedures.
So yeah; as Dr. Phil says: "Life is managed; it isn't cured."
And he's right. I've been in various forms of mental health treatment since I was 13. It's been a long road and it hasn't been an easy one. I also pray a lot for wisdom, God's guidance and the perseverance to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the next thing God puts in front of me. That's the only way we get anywhere. The journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step and is only accomplished one step at a time!
On the other hand, how about going to a hands on trade school? There are probably things you like to do that you are not thinking of right now.
This poster here too has a good suggestion!
Trade schools are a great alternative to the cost of college. Single woman who lives across the street from me, is in a trade school to become an electrician. Trade people make good money and don't have $300,000 worth of college debt! (BIG plus there!) She also runs a dog grooming business out of her back hall. She makes enough money that she bought the house she moved in across the street two years ago. She put in a dog bathing area in her laundry room off the kitchen.
I live in a rural town working class neighborhood. Lot of immigrants around me. Housing here is relatively cheap in comparison to cities and suburbs. It's also safer out here than in cities. We're pretty much surrounded by farm land.
So yes! Talk to your grandparents. I'm sure they want to see you succeed!
