Please pray for God to do something in my job before I burn out. I am on the verge of losing hope and I feel that if God doesn't do something drastic, that I am not going to have the strength to go on. I tried to ask my boss to help me find more meaningful assignments, she said that I need to be more proactive. I have a unique blend of strengths and weaknesses that are a challenge for anyone to understand. Now I kind of wish I did not ask her but just trusted God. She does understand me relatively better than other bosses I have had and I can open up to her more, but think she still lacks some understanding of what makes me tick. I have advanced knowledge, but I still struggle with social skills. It would take a book to explain everything. She asked me on Thursday to write a list of things that I believe I should do and that she would call me back at 3:00. I did and I was going to further explain my strengths and needs to her along with the list. We did not get back in touch. I have had to live with this all 4th of July weekend, and now I am dreading going back to work now that I am about to go to bed on a Sunday night. I know that if I could get the right knowledge and information (as well as overcome my fears) I could become a great leader in my workplace. My brain works differently because I am on the spectrum. She knows that, but there is still more for her to learn and for me to learn too. She has been more supportive compared to other bosses, but now we are starting to disagree more and more now that I am venting my frustrations to her. I am not going to keep pretending that I am overjoyed to do the work. I don't feel as though I am truly contributing or that my work is really that important. I do things that are needed, but there is a reason why I am so dissatisfied. There are less and less incentives to stay. I make myself do things that I think are inconsequential. I do everything I can think of, (sometimes I forget, need prayers for sharper mind) then I have to be bored for half the day. I should get the same respect to communicate with her as the project managers since we are both supporting them. She does respect me but, I feel as though I am being utilized inefficiently. I told her about my auditing experience, but when I told her I wanted to attend audit calls, she reminded me of other stuff I could have done that I would not have thought of. Then I feel terrible for forgetting. I am starting to decode her, and I can tell that she is actually treating me with less respect than I deserve. My depression is acting up at times. I know I am neurotic, but I need God to give me passage to a better future. What if I can't get a hold of her tomorrow to explain myself? I will do the things on my list, but what if my heart feels heavy to the point of it feeling like it's futile! She took me on last October. I need God to do something to lift me up, or else I am not going to be able to go on due to hope being deferred. Please pray for some kind of increased hope. I have been working at this office for 15 years. I feel as though I have paid my dues of doing trench work. I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown due to my sick heart! Pray for God to do something amazing. My life being bearable depends on it. I need to thrive, not just survive. I am sorry for rambling on too long and being so dramatic and emotional (It would take hours to articulate the specifics), but I am on the verge of snapping.
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