Positive experiences please!

[KatacrossthePond]

Hi - I'm gatecrashing here, hope that's ok

We've just got married and are thinking about children and timing etc. However, in the past few weeks, the only stories I have heard from people were how having children influenced their relationships for the worse.

Please someone tell me about how having children enriched your relationship with your husband or wife. I'd love to hear your stories.

 

[angelsgirl]

Well, when I see my husband and my daughter together, it makes me love my husband more. I don't know why, it just does.
Our lives aren't the same as they used to be. And it is harder to find time one on one, so there are times where it feels like I haven't so much as had a proper conversation with DH in days.
I just have to be aware of this and really take the time to spend 'quality' time with my DH.
The first couple of months were the hardest, we were operating on next to no sleep, I was recovering from a c/s and we were both just kinda existing, looking after Madeleine. But that passed and now we spend lots of time together, usually as a family. But we do really try to have some time each day where it is just me and DH. You just have to prioritise! (My house looks like a bomb has hit it cause i want to spend time with my daughter and DH)!
We fell pregnant the first month we were married, so I don't really know what it is like to be married without children.

I wouldn't change the way we are now for anything. I love my DH more now because of Madeleine. She is a product of our love...

 

[gracepaints]

The first year of parenting is TOUGH. Really tough. It's not something I would recommend a couple taking on if they have issues in their relationship they still need to work on. That being said, even with all the sleepless nights, exhaustion, periodically snippiness toward one another, I still say that this has been the best year of our marriage and the best year of my life - hands down.

Even now, after a year, I find myself looking at my son and husband and being startled at our little family - that God gave us the gift of being able to turn our "one flesh" literally into one flesh. It is amazing to see this little person that is a blending of my husband and I. I feel like he has always been there. It seems odd that I lived all of my life up to that point without him. Funny, because I felt the same way when I married my husband. When I mentioned this feeling to DH, he said, "Yeah. He's part of us. We're a family."

I honestly didn't think I could be impressed with my husband any more than I already was, but every day, he impresses me more and more. He is a great father and an amazing supporter of me as a mother. We've both had out moments this past year, but that is part of growth. We are better people for what we have learned as parents. We have more patience, more love, more thoughtfulness.

I look at my son and at my husband and I know this is the best thing I have ever done.

 

[Leanna]

For us having kids was a very good thing and I wish we had done it sooner.

 

[KatacrossthePond]

For us having kids was a very good thing and I wish we had done it sooner.

Thanks Leanna. Did it change your relationship? If it did, in what way? How did it make it stronger, and why?

 

[KatacrossthePond]

Thanks for your replies Gracepaints and angelgirl. That gives me a bit of a flavour.

I'm not expecting it to be easy (late, interrupted nights, early mornings etc. eh) but I always thought that the fact that we share something so amazing as a little person that came out of our love for each other would strengthen the marriage bond rather than weaken it. I've just heard too many stories recently where the men are saying that they are now 'relegated' to second (or third or fourth) place behind their children in their wives' hearts, or that the childrens' presence wrecked their relationships with their wives. Kwim?

 

[gracepaints]

I wish we had had our first sooner too.

The thing about men who feel like they are relegated to second - that can be perception or reality. Some women do ignore their husbands for their children, but some men also fail to appreciate that babies and small children require an enormous amount of time and energy. I think everyone needs to be realistic about the reality of what it takes to raise children and have a successful marital relationship. These two things should live in harmony not in competition.

 

[bliz]

Raising children together is the ultimate creative project. Unfortunately, many couples do not do it together. I think that's because they have not truly become a couple, because they are having children way too soon in the marriage.

 

[gracepaints]

Some people are ready for it earlier than others. I cringe when people say that you MUST wait a year or more before trying to start a family. Can it help? Yes. Is it absolutely necessary for everyone? I don't think so.

 

[Macx]

Hard to write about it.

Today is particular. It is the one year aniversary of a really hard time. Today a year ago, a SWAT team ransacked our home while we weren't home. When we came home, it looked like a burglary so we called the police. The police came and took our little girl (1.5 months old at the time) because of false accusations by a crazy woman and a DHS worker with a chip on his shoulder. We lost our first Christmas as a family together and so much more. It was painful, it was agonizing, it wasn't right or fair, or legal. . . the first year is hard. Our first year was brutal. There was no shortage of horror and pain, but it drove us closer rather than tearing us apart.

We got through it with love and faith, but are still suffering from damage that was done. Every moment with our daughter is a treasure. We've come together under fire, a foxhole romance in a manner of speaking. It has been hard, but we are stronger and my love for our daughter and C's love for our daughter has . . . . well, one of the things I love most about C is how well she takes care of K. It is like it is integrated into our love language - when one of us does something for K, the other hears it as "I love you".

 

[HOPEOF9]

Having children will not fix a bad relationship. Someone might have already said that, but I didn't read the other posts.
For us, having kids made us really look over our relationship and see where we weren't or were in unity. As parents you have to be in unity in what you believe, and in how you want to do things. You'll have so many people telling you what you should do with your child and you have to know where you and your husband stand so you can say "thanks so much for your tip" and then you can honestly trust your spouse and yourself for that matter to make the choice based on what is best for your family.
Blessings!!

 

[JulySheMustFly]

We had a strong relationship going into this parenting adventure. I wouldn't say our relationship is better because of children, nor would I say it is worse. We've maintained and grew all while being parents not because of it.

To be entirely honest, the first 8 months of our oldest's life our relationship was hit hard. However, it was not totally the result of having a child. It was an overall difficult situation and time in our life and surroundings. Having an infant only added to that difficult time.

I love watching my husband parent our children. To see him be gentle and teach them is amazing and only makes me feel great warmth toward him.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

I agree with hopeof9, having children has helped us to really be a team. It has strengthened my trust and understanding of my DH, and vice-versa. It has helped us focus on our joint priorities and hopes. Yes there were some huge learning curves when little number 1 came along, but I would say that our marriage has improved over all - and our family is very very happy!

 

[Hadassah]

I'll echo everyone else, especially gracepaints.

DH and I have been married for almost 2 years now, but we had our church wedding June 2007... so for most folks' perspective, it's been a year only. (anyway. . . )

We have had a really crazy year. I can't blame it on JD at all, it's just been a crazy kinda year. There's been health issues, a wedding, his birth, a coming out, and a death, depression issues (not me, FIL) and financial woes (all around) and a new baby on the way (our friends who got married).

I have been really stressed, super busy, and our relationship has changed a lot. It's like we're actually having the honeymoon period *now* that we never had to begin with... he gets on my nerves at things he just doesn't notice or consider, because he is an only child and really leaning towards asberger's.

Things that I would not dream of saying or doing because we have a child, He just does and then goes "Oh, was I out of place?" LOL


I love him to death, our son thinks the sun and moon rise and shine on daddy (and he wakes up even if he was only asleep 1 minute if he hears him)... and daddy can do no wrong in Jona's eyes.

Mommy's here every day, all day - and she gets boring, much as he loves me. You can just tell. The one thing though that is awesome is that he can be so sleepy and hungry, and mommy has "the magic" to make it all better.

As far as DH and me with JD, well we're slowly getting on the same page. I have to say, after the Pedi appt we had on Friday he was on the same page and did actually stand up for me. He also stands up when other people comment on things we've already agreed upon and don't want to put up for discussion.

The bad thing, is when we don't meet eye to eye or the times he just doesn't think of me being tired and it takes me having a melt down for him to realize.

I believe though that he will eventually figure it out. Onlies always have a harder time with that I think, if they aren't already used to thinking of/for others.

I don't believe like others that one needs to wait that magical 1-2 years for time alone before having little ones. Only you and G-d know that timeframe needed.

The biggest thing I believe is being on the same page and working towards that. . . and patience (one thing I haven't lots of, but probably due to my malabsorption issues and needing lots of b vitamins - they coat your nerve receptors)

Hope that helps

 

[jgonz]

Please someone tell me about how having children enriched your relationship with your husband or wife.

DH and I actually had our first baby before we got married. I was not living near DH at that point, and thought we had no future, but God had other plans. Our first was 9 months old when we got married, so we had an instant family. Sure, things were tough, but we stuck it out, and the children just kept coming... LOL

IMO, children enhance a marriage... Children are a blessing from the Lord! He gives children to Bless, not curse, couples in Him. If the couple is dedicated to the Lord, they will be able to handle whatever challenges children bring. Keeping your eyes on Him BEFORE your spouse, is the key. Also having a good sense of humor is extremely helpful. lol

 

[Leanna]

I've just heard too many stories recently where the men are saying that they are now 'relegated' to second (or third or fourth) place behind their children in their wives' hearts, or that the childrens' presence wrecked their relationships with their wives. Kwim?

Maybe what has happened here is their selfishness has been revealed. Me me me, what about me? Is that all they think about? There are sacrifices to having children, but more so there is character development in both wife and husband. It is very humbling to realize your children are Little Mirrors and whatever attitudes you have they are likely to mimic-- the good and bad.

I don't know after some years it was nice to have something other than our own "wants" to focus on and to be raising little people has a lasting value that is much more rewarding than just the two of us sleeping whenever we want, buying what we want, etc.

We still have a good time together, we try to go on a date (without kids) once a month, and we get plenty of childless time after they go to bed at night.

There is a balance between meeting the needs of the children, meeting the needs of each other and as individuals. It is hard, but we are enjoying the challenge, and there are going to be plenty more years to be alone later. This is really a pretty short stage in life.

Children are a blessing from the Lord! He gives children to Bless, not curse, couples in Him.

Right, the Bible always refers to children as blessings. All the rest is a sad commentary on our selfish culture.

 

[Assisi]

I don't think that having children has changed our relationship...

I remember what it was like before we got pregnant for the first time. All everyone would talk about is how hard and how bad it is. It's not bad at all! Being parents has given us both a greater opportunity to give in our marriage. We try to be considerate and loving, and since becoming parents we have more ways in which to give. I think there is a lot of good in firming up a strong relationship before you have a child, but I also think there is a point at which your relationship will seem emptier because you are childless.

My advice is to make sure you're both ready, but not to wait too long. Marriages are built for children.

My husband is a wonderful father, and being a father has also helped him to be a wonderful husband. I think we are still in the 'in love' phase.

 

[hsmommyofmany]

Thanks for your replies Gracepaints and angelgirl. That gives me a bit of a flavour.

I'm not expecting it to be easy (late, interrupted nights, early mornings etc. eh) but I always thought that the fact that we share something so amazing as a little person that came out of our love for each other would strengthen the marriage bond rather than weaken it. I've just heard too many stories recently where the men are saying that they are now 'relegated' to second (or third or fourth) place behind their children in their wives' hearts, or that the childrens' presence wrecked their relationships with their wives. Kwim?

figures a guy would say that... that seems a little selfish to me...i personally can not tell you children do not bring added struggles to a marriage...but it is worth every one!!!!

 

[KatacrossthePond]

Wow I've just checked back into CF and was quite overwhelmed by all your kind responses! I've quoted below for the bits that struck me in each of your posts. Thanks so so much for taking the time to respond, I value each and every one of your viewpoints. And it makes me feel hopeful, positive and excited.

DH and I have been married for almost 2 years now, but we had our church wedding June 2007... so for most folks' perspective, it's been a year only. (anyway. . . )

The bad thing, is when we don't meet eye to eye or the times he just doesn't think of me being tired and it takes me having a melt down for him to realize.

I believe though that he will eventually figure it out. Onlies always have a harder time with that I think, if they aren't already used to thinking of/for others.

Thanks HS - that helps. As for the married thing, I'm German - I understand the whole 'two weddings' thing

Onlies - both DH and I are onlies and I actually know selfish/not thinking for others onlies as well as siblings. Maybe there's more of a 'danger' of that in onlies, but we were both brought up in 'extended families' and therefore thankfully don't have that! (phew - relief). If anything, we think too much of the other, if that's possible

However, how that will work out once a kiddo arrives I have no idea. I guess it's telling that neither DH nor I want an 'only child'.

IMO, children enhance a marriage... Children are a blessing from the Lord! He gives children to Bless, not curse, couples in Him. If the couple is dedicated to the Lord, they will be able to handle whatever challenges children bring. Keeping your eyes on Him BEFORE your spouse, is the key. Also having a good sense of humor is extremely helpful. lol

Do you know this is going to sound so dense, but you saying the blessing from the Lord thing really really made such a difference. I got so bogged down in other people's struggles that I forgot the whole 'God side' to the story. Thank you - that was immensely helpful.

Maybe what has happened here is their selfishness has been revealed. Me me me, what about me? Is that all they think about? There are sacrifices to having children, but more so there is character development in both wife and husband. It is very humbling to realize your children are Little Mirrors and whatever attitudes you have they are likely to mimic-- the good and bad.

We still have a good time together, we try to go on a date (without kids) once a month, and we get plenty of childless time after they go to bed at night.

Awesome - that sounds like you are striking the right balance. And I agee with you about the selfishness revealed. I like the little mirrors analogy...

I don't think that having children has changed our relationship...

My advice is to make sure you're both ready, but not to wait too long. Marriages are built for children.

My husband is a wonderful father, and being a father has also helped him to be a wonderful husband. I think we are still in the 'in love' phase.

Thanks - that was also very helpful - Marriages are built for children is another one-liner I'll take away from this.

figures a guy would say that... that seems a little selfish to me...i personally can not tell you children do not bring added struggles to a marriage...but it is worth every one!!!!

Yes I don't think I've ever imagined my life staying the same with a little being in the house, nor do I think I've ever imagined it being a walk in the park (although they might come into it...) but yeah - I'm glad you're saying it's worth it b/c that's what I have always thought - I just got a little shaken by the whole 'woe is me' attitude that I've seen around some people recently (IRL, not here on the boards particularly)

 

[KatacrossthePond]

Hard to write about it.
It has been hard, but we are stronger and my love for our daughter and C's love for our daughter has . . . . well, one of the things I love most about C is how well she takes care of K. It is like it is integrated into our love language - when one of us does something for K, the other hears it as "I love you".

I'm so sorry to hear that it's been so hard for you guys - praying that it gets better with every day and that the good memories will outshine and diminish the bad ones

I loved your last sentence - speaks of servant leadership to me. Awesome!

Having children will not fix a bad relationship. Someone might have already said that, but I didn't read the other posts.
For us, having kids made us really look over our relationship and see where we weren't or were in unity. As parents you have to be in unity in what you believe, and in how you want to do things. You'll have so many people telling you what you should do with your child and you have to know where you and your husband stand so you can say "thanks so much for your tip" and then you can honestly trust your spouse and yourself for that matter to make the choice based on what is best for your family.
Blessings!!

It's good to hear how having children made you grow and strengthened your relationship - I hope I'll be able to say that at some point.

We had a strong relationship going into this parenting adventure. I wouldn't say our relationship is better because of children, nor would I say it is worse. We've maintained and grew all while being parents not because of it.

To be entirely honest, the first 8 months of our oldest's life our relationship was hit hard. However, it was not totally the result of having a child. It was an overall difficult situation and time in our life and surroundings. Having an infant only added to that difficult time.

I love watching my husband parent our children. To see him be gentle and teach them is amazing and only makes me feel great warmth toward him.

That's a great point as well - the growing should go on generally, not b/c of life circumstances in particular. Your last paragraph is what I'm lookign forward to most - DH is an amazing teacher and I am so looking forward to seeing him interact with his children...

I agree with hopeof9, having children has helped us to really be a team. It has strengthened my trust and understanding of my DH, and vice-versa. It has helped us focus on our joint priorities and hopes. Yes there were some huge learning curves when little number 1 came along, but I would say that our marriage has improved over all - and our family is very very happy!

Awesome! Thanks for that - I'm so glad there are good experiences out there. I thought there must be but it's nice to hear about them!