People telling us not to have children!!!

[HisLittleHazelnut]

(Admins/Mods, move this to a different section if you think it's inappropriate here.)

I am getting so mad at people right now. We're being told over and over again that we should not have children, but not for the typical reason that the world is overpopulated.

I've been on birth control pills when I was a teenager, to try to get my hormones straightened out. While on them I had horrible side effects, including blurred vision. My hormones were made worse when I got off of them.

Since my marriage I had been looking into the idea of going back on birth control, but I believe I received a direct call from God not to use any form of birth control, even though I am in the circumstances I am in.

Let me back track just a bit. My family was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, treating me like a child. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own, or get a job. They wanted me to be dependent on them forever.

My husband is disabled to the point where he cannot work. Both he and I have Asperger's syndrome, but he additionally has severe Tourette's Syndrome, and panic attacks. I will end up being the breadwinner. Right now, neither of us have a place we can call home, but God has set up a place for us when he receives his SSI payments, which we firmly believe that God will provide to support us.

Back in August he and I decided that we needed to get away from my family and marry, trusting that God would provide for us. Although we were unable to get out until a month ago, in the month since, God has, indeed, provided for us. We haven't been hungry at all, and only had to spend one night outside, and only one night in a shelter.

So I was lying awake in bed one night (I'm staying with some friends of my husband's who have girls in their home) and contemplating birth control, and I heard a nearly audible voice saying, "why do you want to do that? I thought you said you trusted me! Do you not trust me to provide for any child I may give you?"

And I responded, "But Lord, you know that my husband has a hard time dealing with children, and I have had no desire before my marriage for any either."

Then I heard, "I will give you the desire, and the strength, to deal with any child I should give you."



This is why I am not using birth control, but still I'm getting chided for it. Especially since we both have an Autism spectrum disorder, and people seem to think of Autism as the worst thing that could happen to a parent, and any child of ours would genetically be more predisposed to the disorder. We have a desire to adopt as well, but for now we're trusting that God will provide for any child he should send our way.

But some people think we're too childlike in our firm belief in this. I guess I'm here more for support than anything else.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

God will take care of you. Contrary to poular revisionist belief - God is pro family. If he fed his children in the wilderness he'll take care of you.

 

[b.hopeful]

Try to forgive them. When you have your own children, daily you are reminded of the enormity of the task before you. When you have a child with special needs, you realize that a typically functioning child is a breeze. So when you see a young couple starting out and struggling and you know they are actively trying to conceive....you urge caution. It's not to be mean, it's not to judge, it's not to thwart God's will...it is what it is. Good luck.

 

[believetheunseen]

Some people, by nature, think they know what's best for everyone else, and honestly, while I understand the concept of forgiveness, I don't understand why they are just allowed to express their views without any word from those receiving the critical comments or "advice". It's PRIDE on their part. Pride is the root of many, many sins, including being pompous enough to think he or she knows what's going on in someone else's life. I realize soemtimes God places you in situations to help someone else, but I think advice giving should be done with trembling.
Which is why I don't have any advice, lol. If God has laid it on your heart, He will provide, and you know that. I'm sure you also know to approach the subject with trembling yourself, and with as much preparation as possible. I pray that the Lord will give you a peace of mind regarding these people and the comments, and a wise heart about your decision.
**Apologize for the rant and lack of anything truly constructive.

 

[127.0.0.1]

Make sure he wants kids to mmmmk? Maybe try to get his feelings on having kids before you're actually having them.

And about BC pills...your reaction isn't surprising, they're terrible for any women's health. But there are other options, just so ya know.

PS
Ironically enough, there are loads of people who wish they were hearing from others what you are. It's ironic that you want kids but are surrounded by people who tell you not too. I know people who never want to have kids but are surrounded by people who demand that they do.

PPS
Have 'em 'cus you want to, not just to show other people who say you shouldn't.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Speaking as a "wise old married lady" with a dear hubby and seven children, I have a few suggestions for you to consider.

First, before you make any decision about birth control or going off birth control, I would suggest that you speak to your dear hubby. It's wisest to both be of a like mind before anyone makes any kind of action that could result in a child, and whilst he may have sex, he would be under the impression it's very, VERY unlikely to result in a baby -- so that's unfair to him. This is something big, and life-changing, so it's really the best if you two are together on this decision (in other words, don't surprise him with "Well G*d told me...").

Next, if you two DO decide together to remove the birth control and allow for the possibility of a child, I would suggest that you look at you as a person, him as a person and your life and say, "What can we do to get ready for a baby?" For example, maybe there are physical things you could do to be in good physical health for a pregnancy (like good food, exercise, or vitamins) or things he can do to be in good health. Maybe you could find a doctor or clinic that you like for gynecology. Maybe you could start doing your temperature and figuring out which days are your "most likely to become pregnant" days. Maybe you could make sure you have housing--for an infant you will need a place to live. Maybe you could take a parenting class at the Y or other free place. There are lots of things you two can do that would help you to prepare for the possibility of becoming parents.

Finally, speaking as a mom of seven, you are right--G*d does give you the children He wants you to have and when He wants you to have them. He does provide for us and for our children, often in ways that we would never expect! Our family has been very blessed by each child and although we will never be rich, through G*d's provision for our needs, we will be blessed.

 

[katautumn]

While I'm not opposed to you and your husband trusting God, I don't believe God wants people to not exercise sense. There comes a time where you realize this is life and it isn't easy and you can't always throw caution to the wind and say, "oh well, God will provide!".

You've only been married for a short period of time. You deserve this time to be one with your husband before bringing children into the mix anyway. Second, Autism is not the worst thing a parent would deal with (trust me, I know. I have a son with Asperger's); however, you have to really and truly evaluate not only passing on the gene to your children and what they would cope with, but how you and your husband would cope with having children. I have OCD and Agoraphobia and let me tell you, having only one child (especially a special needs child) is a tremendous challenge. Thankfully my husband is healthy and I lean on him for a lot of support. In your situation both you and your husband face challenges in life many people do not have to.

Then there is the financial issue. Your husband cannot work. Is he capable of tending to multiple young children all day long while you work maybe more than one job every day just to provide? Will you resent your husband some day because he gets to be home with the kids while you never get to see them because you're working all the time?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe if a couple would have to go into having children by means of using government assistance they should rethink having kids at that point in time. Yes, there are women whose boyfriends or husband leave them alone with children and they need W.I.C. or food stamps or the children's parents lose their jobs. Sometimes situations come up, but children don't deserve to be deliberately born into poverty. You don't have to be rich, but your finances need to be in order.

Also, please be sure your message from God truly is and not your personal desires because you feel a baby would strengthen your marriage or prove something to your family. Having children is the hardest job in the world. Children are not pretty little toys that can be put away when they get annoying. For someone with ASD and panic disorder it can be a nightmare. If your husband struggles when dealing with children then that's not uncommon for someone with ASD and anxiety issues. Is it truly fair to expect him to raise the children as their predominant care giver? I can assure you, with children there are no breaks. If I'm having a day in which my anxiety levels are up, I have to try my hardest to work through it because my son needs me. And I don't have the added level of stress that having ASD brings on a person.

I think this is something that should be carefully considered. Would it be fair to bring children into a situation such as the one you're in right now? You have no home to provide them with. You have no money to pay for them. You and your husband have health issues that make caring for children even more difficult than it already is. I don't say these things to be unkind. I know how hard it is to raise a child with little income and with mental health issues. I think it's important that you really, really hold off on having children until your situation improves.

 

[joshrichie]

If you have consulted with God and your husband, that's all that matters. Trust me, my parents where none to happy when my wife an I announced we where pregnant. While I value their thoughts and opinions, I have come to realize that I now have my only family and it's what WE think.

Ephesians 5:31 (NIV) "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh"

Genesis 9:7 (MSG) "You're here to bear fruit, reproduce, lavish life on the Earth, live bountifully!"

Hope I helped!

 

[chingchang]

(Admins/Mods, move this to a different section if you think it's inappropriate here.)

I am getting so mad at people right now. We're being told over and over again that we should not have children, but not for the typical reason that the world is overpopulated.

I've been on birth control pills when I was a teenager, to try to get my hormones straightened out. While on them I had horrible side effects, including blurred vision. My hormones were made worse when I got off of them.

Since my marriage I had been looking into the idea of going back on birth control, but I believe I received a direct call from God not to use any form of birth control, even though I am in the circumstances I am in.

Let me back track just a bit. My family was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, treating me like a child. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own, or get a job. They wanted me to be dependent on them forever.

My husband is disabled to the point where he cannot work. Both he and I have Asperger's syndrome, but he additionally has severe Tourette's Syndrome, and panic attacks. I will end up being the breadwinner. Right now, neither of us have a place we can call home, but God has set up a place for us when he receives his SSI payments, which we firmly believe that God will provide to support us.

Back in August he and I decided that we needed to get away from my family and marry, trusting that God would provide for us. Although we were unable to get out until a month ago, in the month since, God has, indeed, provided for us. We haven't been hungry at all, and only had to spend one night outside, and only one night in a shelter.

So I was lying awake in bed one night (I'm staying with some friends of my husband's who have girls in their home) and contemplating birth control, and I heard a nearly audible voice saying, "why do you want to do that? I thought you said you trusted me! Do you not trust me to provide for any child I may give you?"

And I responded, "But Lord, you know that my husband has a hard time dealing with children, and I have had no desire before my marriage for any either."

Then I heard, "I will give you the desire, and the strength, to deal with any child I should give you."



This is why I am not using birth control, but still I'm getting chided for it. Especially since we both have an Autism spectrum disorder, and people seem to think of Autism as the worst thing that could happen to a parent, and any child of ours would genetically be more predisposed to the disorder. We have a desire to adopt as well, but for now we're trusting that God will provide for any child he should send our way.

But some people think we're too childlike in our firm belief in this. I guess I'm here more for support than anything else.

Wow. Hugs. One thing that I think is important to think about is that having children makes life much more difficult...not easier (although rewarding in a different way). So...if your life is difficult...meaning you and/or your husband require special care...I'm very confident it would be an unwise move to bring a baby into the picture. Babies require special care. I would just make extra sure that the voice you heard was from God...and not from your Church. If you are 100% confident that the voice was from God...then you can't go wrong.

Best wishes,
CC

 

[Cright]

Any voice you hear is only from God if it doesn't contradict his Word. Because God IS the Word!

So... I would take any criticism you receive from those who are recommending you not have children & compare them against the bible to see if they are biblically valid. Ask a Pastor for help doing this if need be, and then you can can decide in good conscience before God when making your decision.

I will tell you, as a mom of a 3 and 1.5 year old that it is HARD! My husband has a great job with a great boss and minimal stress at work. We are able to pay our bills and provide for them clothes and food with no stress as well. My husband is very hands on and involved with the kids to help me out and we both have supportive families. Neither of us have health problems... that's just a start to our blessings... we are very greatful to God for those things.... and still, I struggle daily to make sure our kids are safe, that our house is always childproofed, that I make sure they are eating nutritiously. My energy levels suffer greatly as I have rarely had a complete nights sleep in 3+ years. I have a hard time getting to all the appointments on time and play groups, and finding adult conversation. Your situation would be MUCH harder.

When someone suggests that you shouldn't have kids, maybe they are saying it because they care about you, and your health, and your sleep habits and your husband as well. Maybe those people have kids and know that your life changes in such a dramatic way that it almost is like a salvation experience. You don't (and can't) go back to your old ways.

I pray that you'll have a long and lovely marriage, and that you truly seek God's word for answers!

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

While I'm not opposed to you and your husband trusting God, I don't believe God wants people to not exercise sense.

Agreed.

There comes a time where you realize this is life and it isn't easy and you can't always throw caution to the wind and say, "oh well, God will provide!".

Agreed x200.

You've only been married for a short period of time. You deserve this time to be one with your husband before bringing children into the mix anyway.

Completely agree.

Second, Autism is not the worst thing a parent would deal with (trust me, I know. I have a son with Asperger's); however, you have to really and truly evaluate not only passing on the gene to your children and what they would cope with, but how you and your husband would cope with having children.

Thank you for wording this so well. Agreed...

Then there is the financial issue.

Which are a leading cause of divorce all on their own, let alone throwing a child into the mix.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe if a couple would have to go into having children by means of using government assistance they should rethink having kids at that point in time.

Unpopular, perhaps.

Wise? Very.

And I agree.

Also, please be sure your message from God truly is and not your personal desires

THIS!!!!!!!


There is almost nothing I can add to Kat's wonderfully worded post. She said everything better than I ever could have. At least more eloquently, because frankly I would have used a lot less tact.

Sadly, I can't step away from this topic in good conscience not having said what I really feel I have to say on this. And I suppose that message will be this:

When it comes to having kids, people need to step back and realize "It's not all about you". That potential child has to be considered.. parenting shouldn't be a gamble. Let's throw the dice and hope for the best, pray to God it works out... NO! Parenting needs to be more than that and frankly if situations warrant it, people need to make the responsible decision not to have children.

And frankly... in 100% honesty, I really.. really.. really feel in my gut that this whole "God" thing is just desires in your head. A desperate want to go against everything and come out on top and say "Hey, look, we did it!" -- And I can get that to a point. You've been oppressed by your parents for so long, it makes sense that you want to now go out and do it all... do everything and show them "I did it and you never thought I could". They controlled you. They had cult-like mentality.

They wouldn't let you get married for five years and they STILL didn't let you get married, you got married when you guys got out into a homeless shelter! They wouldn't let you have a job, or when they would they wouldn't let you have your own money from that job. They wouldn't let you take the bus or do anything on your own. I've watched your posts over the last 6 years and these are all things that have happened to you!

You were abused and I'm not even sure you even admit to that yet? If not, you have a long way to go before you can have children.

But it makes more sense that this is your brain rebelling against the last.. who knows how many years of mental abuse from your family. But really.. you're willing to risk bringing a child into an unstable circumstance for that? To "see if you can"? You have to recognize the real possibility that this is NOT God!

This isn't a job... this isn't a new purchase... this isn't like anything else in the world. This is a living, breathing baby and it is not all about you. It's about that potential life. And I really feel you need to give this more serious consideration, based on the points Kat gave, about what kind of circumstances you will be bringing a child into, and putting yourself through.


That's the only message I can possibly give to you and be confident that I've said what needed to be said. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

But what you do with your life.. is none of my concern.

Good luck is all I can say... Just please remember that the actual God wants you to use reason and common sense!!

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

Speaking as a "wise old married lady" with a dear hubby and seven children, I have a few suggestions for you to consider.

First, before you make any decision about birth control or going off birth control, I would suggest that you speak to your dear hubby. It's wisest to both be of a like mind before anyone makes any kind of action that could result in a child, and whilst he may have sex, he would be under the impression it's very, VERY unlikely to result in a baby -- so that's unfair to him. This is something big, and life-changing, so it's really the best if you two are together on this decision (in other words, don't surprise him with "Well G*d told me...").

Next, if you two DO decide together to remove the birth control and allow for the possibility of a child, I would suggest that you look at you as a person, him as a person and your life and say, "What can we do to get ready for a baby?" For example, maybe there are physical things you could do to be in good physical health for a pregnancy (like good food, exercise, or vitamins) or things he can do to be in good health. Maybe you could find a doctor or clinic that you like for gynecology. Maybe you could start doing your temperature and figuring out which days are your "most likely to become pregnant" days. Maybe you could make sure you have housing--for an infant you will need a place to live. Maybe you could take a parenting class at the Y or other free place. There are lots of things you two can do that would help you to prepare for the possibility of becoming parents.

Finally, speaking as a mom of seven, you are right--G*d does give you the children He wants you to have and when He wants you to have them. He does provide for us and for our children, often in ways that we would never expect! Our family has been very blessed by each child and although we will never be rich, through G*d's provision for our needs, we will be blessed.

Not to worry, I discussed it with him immediately and we came to the same conclusion.

We have a place to live once we get SSI payments, but it's out of state so yeah I am not going for gyno appointments yet. Not to mention I have PCOS so it may take some time anyway. I'm not going to do any specific planning to HAVE children, but neither am I going to be hindering the possibiliity.

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

While I'm not opposed to you and your husband trusting God, I don't believe God wants people to not exercise sense. There comes a time where you realize this is life and it isn't easy and you can't always throw caution to the wind and say, "oh well, God will provide!".

You've only been married for a short period of time. You deserve this time to be one with your husband before bringing children into the mix anyway. Second, Autism is not the worst thing a parent would deal with (trust me, I know. I have a son with Asperger's); however, you have to really and truly evaluate not only passing on the gene to your children and what they would cope with, but how you and your husband would cope with having children. I have OCD and Agoraphobia and let me tell you, having only one child (especially a special needs child) is a tremendous challenge. Thankfully my husband is healthy and I lean on him for a lot of support. In your situation both you and your husband face challenges in life many people do not have to.

Then there is the financial issue. Your husband cannot work. Is he capable of tending to multiple young children all day long while you work maybe more than one job every day just to provide? Will you resent your husband some day because he gets to be home with the kids while you never get to see them because you're working all the time?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe if a couple would have to go into having children by means of using government assistance they should rethink having kids at that point in time. Yes, there are women whose boyfriends or husband leave them alone with children and they need W.I.C. or food stamps or the children's parents lose their jobs. Sometimes situations come up, but children don't deserve to be deliberately born into poverty. You don't have to be rich, but your finances need to be in order.

Also, please be sure your message from God truly is and not your personal desires because you feel a baby would strengthen your marriage or prove something to your family. Having children is the hardest job in the world. Children are not pretty little toys that can be put away when they get annoying. For someone with ASD and panic disorder it can be a nightmare. If your husband struggles when dealing with children then that's not uncommon for someone with ASD and anxiety issues. Is it truly fair to expect him to raise the children as their predominant care giver? I can assure you, with children there are no breaks. If I'm having a day in which my anxiety levels are up, I have to try my hardest to work through it because my son needs me. And I don't have the added level of stress that having ASD brings on a person.

I think this is something that should be carefully considered. Would it be fair to bring children into a situation such as the one you're in right now? You have no home to provide them with. You have no money to pay for them. You and your husband have health issues that make caring for children even more difficult than it already is. I don't say these things to be unkind. I know how hard it is to raise a child with little income and with mental health issues. I think it's important that you really, really hold off on having children until your situation improves.

My husband is working on writing his second novel. He does work... just not in the normal way. Trusting God is not throwing common sense to the wind, in fact God has provided for us already, and we know he will continue to provide.

It is your type of opinion that I am trying to get away from in this post. We have thought all this out. I am fully capable of working and where we are planning on moving, my education can get me a better job than where we are now.

To us, it is better to trust God to provide for us than to say "Sorry God I can't trust you enough to provide so we'll block chances of having kids."


I KNOW this was not my own desires, before this came around I had absolutely NO desire to have children. That's why I was thinking of birth control to begin with, but I was prodded not to.

 

[katautumn]

I'm sorry if my response upset you. I tried to broach the subject delicately, because I know we don't know your situation. All we can go on is what you have been generous enough to disclose. I wasn't trying to pass judgment on your circumstances or insult your intelligence. Ultimately it is between yourself and your husband. I was simply stating that the people encouraging you to wait or consider the possibility of you and your husband being your family without children are speaking with an element of wisdom. Now, granted, coming from them it may be crass, cruel and judgmental; however, the bottom line is that it's crucial that children be born into somewhat stable conditions.

I think it's great your husband is an author. That is something he can do from home. In terms of having children, here again, that is between God, yourself and your husband. Just be careful and consult with your physician to discuss the potential physical aspect of it, since you do have PCOS. I do wish the best for you and your husband.

 

[HuntingMan]

So I was lying awake in bed one night (I'm staying with some friends of my husband's who have girls in their home) and contemplating birth control, and I heard a nearly audible voice saying, "why do you want to do that? I thought you said you trusted me! Do you not trust me to provide for any child I may give you?"

And I responded, "But Lord, you know that my husband has a hard time dealing with children, and I have had no desire before my marriage for any either."

Then I heard, "I will give you the desire, and the strength, to deal with any child I should give you."

Ive pretty much decided to stay out of the marriage forums, but I happened in today and saw this thread.

Sister, If God did speak to you then you have nothing to fear. He has given me instruction in the same way you describe a few times in my life.
One time long ago He did and I didnt obey and the consequences of not obeying will affect the rest of my life and the lives of others in my family. Its not a punishment from God, it was just that He knew best and what would happen if I made the wrong choice. Id do anything to go back to 1986 and do a 180.
It happened again in 1990. I had pretty clear instruction and let my flesh do something else. Once more there is a price being paid.

When I decided simply to trust Him regardless of how things seem, that is when my life changed. When I gave it all to Him and let Him be the captain I could see the immediate course change in my life and I can see in a very visible way now that He IS guiding me and leading me where He wants me to be.

Trust Him.
If you know it was Him speaking to you then you have nothing to fear. Even if it appears that you do at some point, just know that you dont. Our enemy will always try to put fear in there to destroy our faith, but dont ever let that happen.
We can trust God.
Even when it seems like everything is falling apart, we can trust Him at His word.