Passive/Agressive Behavior

[DaffodilFlower]

HI dandy mandy thanks for that! But it is because I have less then 50! So I can't post links! But nearly there so all is good!

Thanks for helping me out..

 

[DaffodilFlower]

Part of the equation is that manners seems to be reserved for people outside the family. Whenever I take "hedge clippers" to her, she treats me better. In a perverse way, I suppose I should take satisfaction with the abuse as it means I am considered family.

But still you should not take the abuse even if it means your considered family. It is just not right and it is not reflecting who Christ is by members of the family doing so. If a fathers smacks her girl real hard and then tell her that he is only doing it for her good and she will thank him for it. Is this right? You will scare the little girl for doing it. You do not build someone self esteem by negative reinforcement. It does not justify the fact that because some says I love you, I am caring for you, I am your husband! Etc that it gives them the right the say anything they like to you? We all know that this is wrong. If your being abuse in a relationship, even in a little way, the problem needs to be resolve, if not, for the sake of your health you need to walk away from it. Like for example, I should be submissive to my husband so whatever He says goes. This is a bunch of rotten tomatoes! You should quote to them, yes wives should be submissive but husbands should love and care for their wife as Christ loves the Church! Christ did not say to the husbands that they can treat their wives any way they want too.

So do not take the low position that because someone has a High authority over you and you need to act submissive or trying to be kind that you accept their abuse. When this happens they will just step all over you! Like the other girl explained, I want you do it now! And if you do not, she going to get mad and going to make you feel very guilt!! This is totally unacceptable.

No relationships can work well this way when some has control over you when you can't be free to say no. It is your 'right' to say no. It is called personal boundaries.

It is not a sin if you do not listen to what they tell you because of a particular situation. Or because you know they will abuse you if you do not listen.

You need to know and have the confidences of when to say no and when to say. I got a good book on this that will help you know this!

I am very sensitive on this issue because do not like seeing any one being abuse because they say they can. I especially am very sensitive when I see my sisters in Christ being treated like this..

I am blessed to have a father-in-law who supports me. There is only so much talking we can do---in fact, talking is limited mostly to acknowledgement of the other's situation---we each have our own path to walk.

I am blessed to have a husband who is striving for independence. There was an instance where he tore his mum to shreds for her inconsideration. That was not helpful. In fact, I insisted that he apologise for his behaviour and forgive his mother's misbehaviour. Being a man includes treating one's mother with patience while maintaining boundaries.

Would you wish you could talk more to your father-in-law? Or is because of language barrier? Glad to know that you have support from Him. Can I ask if others are giving support to you also?

To be like Christ then you can't go wrong!

Bless you heaps in your marriage! Bless you as you encourage your husband to be a Godly man!

Aren't you soooo proud to know this!

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Love in Christ
Daffodilflower

Here is a good link to look at
This is annoying that I can't post links at the moment
Type in cloudtownsend .com in google and press enter and the website should pop up.

book
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries in marriage

Here is a link to look at the book
Whoops I forgot! I will PM you this link!

 

[mkgal1]

I am going to add to Daffodil's book list. I also loved:

Books
9 Things You Simply Must Do by Dr Henry Cloud
Who's Pushing Your Buttons by Dr John Townsend

One thing that was mentioned in Dr Cloud's book that really made a light go off for me was that we should hate well. That almost shocked me. I was raised to not even use the word hate. We couldn't even say we hated our vegetables. But, we can't truly love without hating what is wrong. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis
Certain things, if not seen as lovely or detestable, are not being
correctly seen at all.

If we don't hate behavior that harms other people, and instead accept this behavior, we are causing this behavior to lead the relationship. That isn't good for anyone.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I've read many of the Cloud & Townsend books, and think they're all great. I definitely want to read Who's Pushing Your Buttons, I think it will be helpful.

 

[mkgal1]

I've read many of the Cloud & Townsend books, and think they're all great. I definitely want to read Who's Pushing Your Buttons, I think it will be helpful.

It was such a good book. It is really much more specific than Boundaries

 

[mkgal1]

I found a lot of information last night that made things even clearer to me. When I thought of Passive/Agressive before, I just thought of the under-handed actions. But really, there is a whole lot behind this. Here is what I found:

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

• Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
  
• Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
  
• Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
  
• Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
  
• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."
  
• Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
  
• Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
  
• Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
  
• Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

What makes it especially difficult being married to someone with these tendencies, is the fear of intimacy and fear of dependency. When someone won't open up and make themselves the least bit vulnerable, you end up having a one-sided relationship.

 

[mkgal1]

Okay, maybe this isn't very common. I just discovered a book on Amazon that seems to pull it all together. It is titled Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. I am going to post some of the reviews since they really cast light on the problem.

"Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

There is no way to please these people. Although the implication is always that your inadequacies are the reason for their discontent, their problem is so complex and ingrained it is virtually impossible to eradicate. Nothing anyone provides for them is ever enough to calm their fears, self doubt, and bolster their low self esteem. The 'cure' is a constantly moving target, partially because they often ask for the opposite of what they really want, if they bother to ask at all. Usually it's a guessing game: they let you know they're displeased in a covert and passive way, but you have to try to figure out why. They will deny their anger if directly confronted. Nothing anyone does for them is ever good enough. It is almost universal within a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex. That and deliberate action, or inaction, that denies pleasure to their partner when they do engage in intercourse is their ultimate expression of hostility and control.

Also...The definition included the following: the man/woman is seen as the "nice guy" by the outside world but within his/her spousal relationship is often verbally abusive or in conflict. One who procrastinates, one who blames others....

That is the most difficult part, the p/a is a master at "double-speak" and is very charming. Their main goal is to protect their *nice guy* image. That is what leaves the ones who love them so confused.

 

[klynnmiller]

My 15 year old step-daughter is extremely passive/agressive. She convenienty forgets things or "has too much homework" as she finishes one page of homework while watching 4 hours of TV. I ask her to do something, but she puts it off until she has to leave to go with her mother. (She lives with us.) If I say anything about it, she calls her mother and cries wildly about how unfair and horrible I am (which in turn starts WWIII), then turns around and expects me to pick her up from basketball practice.

My husband used to say I was taking things too personally ("she just forgot"). But I think he's actually starting to see it now too. It's just all too convenient. I've finally decided that I'm not doing anything extra for her that I don't absolutely have to do. Call it tough love, if you will. I love my SD but sometimes I don't like her very much.

 

[mkgal1]

Hi Klynn! For you, Boundaries with Teens by John Townsend may be helpful (if you like to read). It must be so frustrating when your step-daughter's mom gets involved. It sounds as if she enables your step-daughter. That seems to be a common tactic to involve others in the war...the more that are involved the more chaotic it is. That seems to be the goal, then the real issue won't be addressed.

 

[klynnmiller]

That's exactly what happens, her mother tells her that she doesn't have to listen to me or respect me. All I am is her father's wife and "nothing" to her. It's funny that she doesn't see it this way when my SD needs something. Her mother does NOTHING for her. Then it's, "Ask Kelly, she's rich," (no, not even close!) or "Tell Kelly to take you."

Well, all I have decided is that "Kelly" is now not doing a darn thing unless it's a life or death issue, well except feeding and basic caring for my SD.

My SS and I get along great! He's quite a sweetheart and helps his father and I with all sorts of things without even being asked.

I hate the idea of being the "wicked step-mother" to my dear SD, but at this point, I don't see another way. I have been in constant prayer over the situation, and the only thing I keep hearing is to not make it so easy for her to take me for granted. I guess even the Good Lord Above has to use tough love on occations.

 

[mkgal1]

Reading that, I would say it's your hubby's ex that is the passive/agressive one. It sounds as if she is very bitter and is feeding negative things to your step-daughter--causing her to act out. Since she does that, your stepdaughter knows she will be on her side when she sees something as unfair (which is probably any time you ask her to do something). She is using her own daughter to get back at you--at her daughter's expense. That is sad.

Does your hubby see things this way? It would be great if HE could sit down with step-daughter and tell her that you want what is best for her and that is why you want her to do her homework. He should be the one to lay down the rules. She should hear that you want to do things for her, but that when she is constantly calling her mom to get her involved, it makes it really difficult for you to do those things.

Is it possible for SD to live with her mom for a few weeks so she can live the difference?

I am praying God gives you clear direction in this. Raising a teen-ager is difficult enough, but then to have someone trying to sabatoge your effort, that is a huge burden.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

My 15 year old step-daughter is extremely passive/agressive. She convenienty forgets things or "has too much homework" as she finishes one page of homework while watching 4 hours of TV. I ask her to do something, but she puts it off until she has to leave to go with her mother. (She lives with us.) If I say anything about it, she calls her mother and cries wildly about how unfair and horrible I am (which in turn starts WWIII), then turns around and expects me to pick her up from basketball practice.

My husband used to say I was taking things too personally ("she just forgot"). But I think he's actually starting to see it now too. It's just all too convenient. I've finally decided that I'm not doing anything extra for her that I don't absolutely have to do. Call it tough love, if you will. I love my SD but sometimes I don't like her very much.

I can definitely sympathize. I had teenage stepchildren, too, and everything you are describing is very common in blended families. It's very difficult for all involved. Not to mention that children, especially teenagers, are naturally manipulative even in a nuclear family. They will work the system if they are allowed to - play one adult against another - anything to get what they want. It's vital that you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to setting household rules. DH especially, as the biological parent, needs to back you up, and not allow the children or the ex to undermine you.

 

[mkgal1]

I can definitely sympathize. I had teenage stepchildren, too, and everything you are describing is very common in blended families. It's very difficult for all involved. Not to mention that children, especially teenagers, are naturally manipulative even in a nuclear family. They will work the system if they are allowed to - play one adult against another - anything to get what they want. It's vital that you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to setting household rules. DH especially, as the biological parent, needs to back you up, and not allow the children or the ex to undermine you.

Absolutely!

 

[klynnmiller]

Reading that, I would say it's your hubby's ex that is the passive/agressive one. It sounds as if she is very bitter and is feeding negative things to your step-daughter--causing her to act out. Since she does that, your stepdaughter knows she will be on her side when she sees something as unfair (which is probably any time you ask her to do something). She is using her own daughter to get back at you--at her daughter's expense. That is sad.

Thanks, I didn't think of it this way, but yes, I think that her mother may also be passive/aggressive. She can really be mean and nasty when confronted and tries to make my husband feel guilty about everything!!!I'm not sure if my SD is learning this behavior from her mother, if it's inbedded in the genes, or if she's just trying to get what she wants by pitting one against the other as many kids will if given the opportunity. I think that we just have to take the opportunity away from her somehow.

Does your hubby see things this way? It would be great if HE could sit down with step-daughter and tell her that you want what is best for her and that is why you want her to do her homework. He should be the one to lay down the rules. She should hear that you want to do things for her, but that when she is constantly calling her mom to get her involved, it makes it really difficult for you to do those things.

My SD is a straight A student and very involved in her mother's church. She does seem to seek out a relationship with God although her church is one of those really big ones that seems more concerned with entertaining and conforming to society than it does with being concerned about individual relationships with Christ. (Just my humble opinion.)

My husband does try to lay down rules, but it's extremely difficult to enforce rules when my SD does not hang out with friends except for at church and doesn't do much of anything other than the computer (which could be taken away), basketball, and church activities (which we can't take away because it's not right to and her mother is involved).

Today, I took this big pile of her clothes that have been sitting in the laundry room for (no kidding) 5 months and put them in her room on the floor with the rest of the dirty clothes that I bought for her. (Like I said, her mother doesn't buy her any clothes). I know it will make her angry and might start a fight, but I don't need her clothes just piled on the floor in my laundry room either, especially after she has been told repeatedly. Was that wrong to do? Maybe, but I'm not going to continue to be stepped on and this may send her the message that I'm done with the games.

Is it possible for SD to live with her mom for a few weeks so she can live the difference?

She's been staying with her mom more often now because she just changed schools to her mother's school district, but like I said, her mother does NOTHING for her short of feeding her (usually). Her mother won't even buy her feminine hygene products. And I really wonder if her mother doesn't use the ones I buy for my SD because she seems to go through them too fast. All I know is that I start working on Monday and I won't be able to do all the things that I could as a stay at home mom for her, so maybe this is a good thing. I just don't want to put pressure on my husband. He tries to be superman too much as it is.

I am praying God gives you clear direction in this. Raising a teen-ager is difficult enough, but then to have someone trying to sabatoge your effort, that is a huge burden.

Thank you! I really appreciate your prayers!!!