Otherside

[EbonNelumbo]

I know this is going to sound morbid, but I really want to sleep and not get up. I don't want to die persay but I am tired, no, exhausted of dealing with everything.

So I started college 2 weeks ago, which I am already doing poorly in, it didnt help when my fiance` and broke up a week before school started, and prior to that he and I got very physical and I ended up being hurt pretty bad but he also got hurt from my defense. I don't understand anymore, this man was everything to me. I can say that there is someone in particular on this forum whom has helped me make it through from day to day and I have a couple friends. I was thrown away by a lot of my friends when my ex fiance` began lying about me and now it has progressed so that 90% of my *friends* hate me. I dont get it. I am depressed, and recently I was diagnosed with squamous cell melanoma which has metasticized already to my leg from my back, which is very bad for a prognosis. I have made the decision to not get treatment, just let God take me, but I fear that since I KNOW I will die from this, short of God sparing me, I feel it to be suicide and thus unforgivable and condemning to hell...


I am so tired. I hurt and I cry and I cannot keep going. I need some strength...

 

[servant4ever]

Hello OddBeani,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Just to let you know, I am here and if you ever need to talk to somebody, I will be here. First, I would recommend you get help for that melanoma you have. You need help or it is going to kill you, which I do think is considered suicide. Second, you need counseling. I would recommend going to your college counseling, you said you are a college student and most colleges I know of have a free (or low cost) counseling services at the school. I have gone to counseling (and going to stick with it for the long term) and I know it seems scary at first (I freaked out for the first half hour of the appointment, but I did calm down and my counselor is really cool. Oddbeani, I hope everything works out for you. PM me if you wish to talk to someone.

servant4ever

 

[Vegeta7286]

Please don't give up...no matter what happens or how bleak it looks...just don't give up.

 

[ukok]

You have so much to contend with right now, that it really isn't suprising that you feel so overwhelmed ! who wouldn't be?

Part of the problem, i think, is that often, we think that everyone else could cope much better and that there is something deficient about those of us who feel that life has become to much to 'cope with'..and yet, just look at all the things going on with your life...you have just started college, you have had a traumatic physical involvement with your ex boyfriend, you have lost a shedload of friends due to the lies that have been spread about you and you have been diagnosed with 'squamous cell melanoma'...

Is it really suprising that you feel the way you do? I don't think so, i think you'd have to be positively super-human to take all this on the chin, especially when you are only 18 years old!

what you really shouldn't do is to allow this suffering dictate how you feel about your life in terms of allowing your circumstances to defeat you...you are bigger than what this life is throwing at you right now...you just don't feel it...and that's natural...give yourself some time to work through these feelings of anxiety...and until you comprehend just how to get to grip's with it all, please get the treatment that your body need's, to keep it functioning in the mean time...don't deny your body the treatment that it need's ..because if you were to wait too long, thing's may become more complicated and what may have been a far easier problem to treat, could escalate to an extent that requires far more dramatic medical attention.


I will be praying for you.

God Bless

 

[Radagast]

... I have made the decision to not get treatment, just let God take me ...

I would beg you to get treatment. You have friends here on CF, and we would like to keep you with us.

And I hope you come to realise that God's love for you is a billion times greater...

-- Radagast

 

[LynneClomina]

oddbeanie,

i really feel for you. i've been so sick and thought i was going to die, and people's lives were going on without me and i felt so alone and pointless... but i learned in that time that each moment is truly a gift of God and to be cherished. even now, you don't know if you will be on earth for a short time or a long time, dont waste a moment. fight for every moment you can. realize that not wanting to fight for your life is most likely a facet of being pretty depressed, and not necesarily what God would have you do. even if you don't feel like it, fight. life is precious, hon. you are precious. im me or pm me or anything anytime, ok?

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I really appreciate everyone's comments here. I am doing a tad bit better and I am trying to get deeper into a church near my college. I am extremely discouraged, last night alone I stayed up until around 2am trying to finish some math and political science reading, but I fell asleep on the couch without setting my alarm and woke up after BOTH those classes were over! Gah! My life is so complicated and I have started over at this huge college of 20k people where only about 20 even know my name and only 5 know who and what I am and have been. I am tired of running from lies and not having anyone. My fiance and I finally broke up on the 24th which was after months of me begging to and him saying he might hurt himself if I did and then he would cry and hug me and I wouldnt go through with it. He has turned away from God completly and refuses to listen to me when I try and talk about the Lord.


I hate my life, I really do. I have no one, no, I have like 2 people and one lives in MN whom I have never and will never even meet! That is my best friend and yet I have only talked to him for 5 minutes once on the phone!!!

I am tired and I dont want to try anymore. I am NOT going to harm myself, no worries, at least not intentionally...

I have to go to Bio now, ttyl.

 

[Radagast]

Glad to hear things are improving Churchwise. And we'll all still be praying for everything else.

God bless,

-- Radagast

 

[FireRock]

Hi OddBeani

As much as you may not believe this, I do understand what you're going through, in a sense. I broke up with my fiance a little over seven months ago, and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I have finished college, but I'm dealing with three jobs right now to pay the bills and further my career. Life is incredibly stressful for me right now, and I honestly have no friends. No, seriously, I have no friends to talk to about what's going on in my life. It's a very, very hard place to be at.

I guess I don't have any great words of wisdom, because I'm in somewhat of the same boat as you are. I just know that I keep turning to God and try to get as close to Him as possible. I get a lot of grief for it and I've been labeled by people as a freak and whatever, but hey, I guess that happens too, right? Seriously though, God is like this rock, this steady unchanging piece of my life, and that makes all the difference.

I hope life gets better for you, I really do. We can keep each other updated. For some weird reason it always seems to help me get through things in life when someone's right there going through the same kind of stuff too. You rock, OddBeani! Take care!

 

[apadilla]

GOD bless you!!!
I will pray for you!!!
Please dont give up, that is what the evil one wants you to do.

I will also ask you to pray, pray, pray, especially when you get depressed or feel like you dont have anyone in your life.

Cry out to the Lord, He is there!!!

 

[FireRock]

I hope that life is doing good for you, Oddbeani. You've actually been an encouragement to me, in an odd way. (no pun intended!) Life is still stressful and complicated, but it is nevertheless good. God is so awesome!!!

I'm still dealing with people and situations myself, and have even missed at least two (going to be three now) deadlines on just one project! It's for my company, so it feels like I'm giving myself a bad reputation before I even get off the ground, you know? *sigh* It's a very frustrating thing right now, but it happens. I just need to get it done!

Take care of yourself, Oddbeani! Even if life doesn't seem to get better overall, there are parts that make it so worth getting out of bed in the morning!!!

 

[FireRock]

So yeah, it's been like a month since I last posted in this thread. I felt like posting again, even though it's Oddbeani's thread. Hope you don't mind! I haven't seen you on IM lately, but I have been on very recently myself I guess.

Life is very complicated and very frustrating right now. I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm tired all the time. I'm having some crazy messed up dreams too. My parents rock, that's all I can say! They have been there for me so much over this past month. It's been so great to have their support.

I've gotten yelled at by my pastor like three times in the past couple/few months. Well, not yelled at, but that whole "having the meeting in my office" thing, and everytime I came out feeling really bad...almost worthless sometimes. I've also talked to a few of my youth members about choices they're making and such, and now they are gossiping about me and talking behind my back and stuff. They've all but left the youth group. I feel like the ministry that I'm suppose to be kinda heading up is going down in flames right now, and I think it's time to close the doors on it, whether it's temporarily or permenantly. It's so incredibly hard because I was there since it started, and now I'm the one who ends it.

I'm moving on to a really good church that has a lot of people my age there and some small groups and ministries that really fit into what God has called me to do with my life. I'm trying to look at it that the good outweighs the bad, and the long term results will be better than the short term results.

I've been reading a lot in my Bible, and God has really been showing me that He has called each one of us to a very specific destiny, and we can't build other people's temples for them, or build a temple that God didn't call us to build. It's been very interesting, but it's still very hard.

I can't talk to anyone about this (besides my parents of course!) because everyone is involved in some way, and there's been some divition in my church and therefore gossip is crazy. I suppose once I move out of my current church I'll be able to talk to some people about some things, but never really everything.

Anyways, please pray for me if you could. Everything that's been happening over, well, the past four to six months has just been really building up on me. It's starting to affect my personal life (hobbies, recreation, relaxing, my company, etc.) and physically (weight, health, appearance, etc.) with all the stress and frustration and everything. I also feel like I'm not growing in Christ like I should because I have no real time of fellowship with other believers, except for a Bible study on Thursday nights which I love and an evening service I go to at another church sometimes which I also love.

Sorry for rambling on, but I really needed to talk/vent/whatever, and this isone of the only safe places I feel I have right now. The other is another message board based christian website as well with people I met in college. Thank you all. Take care.

 

[Glorianna]

I know this is going to sound morbid, but I really want to sleep and not get up. I don't want to die persay but I am tired, no, exhausted of dealing with everything.

So I started college 2 weeks ago, which I am already doing poorly in, it didnt help when my fiance` and broke up a week before school started, and prior to that he and I got very physical and I ended up being hurt pretty bad but he also got hurt from my defense. I don't understand anymore, this man was everything to me. I can say that there is someone in particular on this forum whom has helped me make it through from day to day and I have a couple friends. I was thrown away by a lot of my friends when my ex fiance` began lying about me and now it has progressed so that 90% of my *friends* hate me. I dont get it. I am depressed, and recently I was diagnosed with squamous cell melanoma which has metasticized already to my leg from my back, which is very bad for a prognosis. I have made the decision to not get treatment, just let God take me, but I fear that since I KNOW I will die from this, short of God sparing me, I feel it to be suicide and thus unforgivable and condemning to hell...


I am so tired. I hurt and I cry and I cannot keep going. I need some strength...

Oh wow honey, I can't imagine how hard that must be. It doesn't sound like you had the best of friends if they would turn against you that quickly. I'm so sorry that you lost them but I know that you can get more friends. And the ones who stuck by you are so incredibly valuable and precious. God is there to comfort you. You will get through this as hard as it seems right now. I know because I've been there. I was in the deepest pit of depression and am now out of it! Praise the Lord! Weep at the feet of your heavenly Father and pray. You will get through this! I will be praying for you and am here if you ever need someone to talk to.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

So yeah, it's been like a month since I last posted in this thread. I felt like posting again, even though it's Oddbeani's thread. Hope you don't mind! I haven't seen you on IM lately, but I have been on very recently myself I guess.

Hey, dont ever feel like you cannot post here...it is an open thing you know. So I want to let you know personally, Fire Rock that is, that i am a person whom you can talk to and devulge ANYTHING, trust me, a few other people, even on this very thread, have become my close personal friends. I have been going through a lot but I cam say that GOD ROX and I am doing better. So much has happened. I will post about all that later and I am sorry that I cannot do it now...

I am not suicidal, no, most assuredly not, I have a strong desire to live soley for God and serve Him, I have dreams now, big dreams.....

 

[Radagast]

... I cam say that GOD ROX and I am doing better...

Glad to hear it.

God bless,

-- Radagast

 

[EbonNelumbo]

So here is the update...since I cannot link to it because that is against some unwritten rule, just check out OtherThan the Otherside of Confusion in Struggles and recovery...

 

[FireRock]

I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well, Oddbeani! Praise God!

I'm still in the middle of everything here, but I've consciencely been taking time to read my Bible more (a lot more!) as well as other good books by christian authors. It's been helping quite a bit. Now if only real-live people would get their heads on straight...

Hopefully I can finish up what I need to here with my responsibilities at my current church, and then start out the new year in a new church. I now just kind of do the whole "blank stare" thing at life in general. It's really weird to explain, but I think things are starting to look like they're getting better.

Oddbeani, you are so right that God rox! It's great hearing from you again!

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Glad to hear it, OddBeani. I hope that you keep getting better.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

The irony in this all...my newest thread is entitled: FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT. When I wrote that I was not suicidal on here it was honest, but something sent me over the edge last week adn I wanted to die badly

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I failed btw, in case you didnt notice. That was after a couple bottles of pills though.