Other people revealing the sexual history of your partner to you...

[KrillBee]

What do you do when you are dating someone seriously, they haven't discussed all the details together about their previous sexual history, and then all of a sudden one of their friends spills the beans to you about their history?

I assume that the partner is willing to share about their mistakes when they are comfortable with doing so, but it makes it really awkward when the friend shares it first. What do you say? What do you do?

God obviously wants us not to focus on sins previously made, and he doesn't want us to gossip. I feel like I've already partaken in the gossip by listening to it and now feeling like I have to keep the information bottled up inside.

 

[Melethiel]

It sucks to find out from someone else, but you'll probably just have to find a good time and talk about it with your partner. Keeping it in won't help anything. No, you don't have to focus on the past, but you do have to get it out in the open and work past it.

 

[KrillBee]

It sucks to find out from someone else, but you'll probably just have to find a good time and talk about it with your partner. Keeping it in won't help anything. No, you don't have to focus on the past, but you do have to get it out in the open and work past it.

What if the friend who told you asked you not to tell them and you agreed?

 

[Melethiel]

You don't have to tell your partner who told you, but you're eventually going to have that conversation, otherwise it will eat away at you. Alternatively, you could choose to wait until she tells you herself, but if knowing is bothering you, you have to get it out into the open.

 

[KrillBee]

You don't have to tell your partner who told you, but you're eventually going to have that conversation, otherwise it will eat away at you. Alternatively, you could choose to wait until she tells you herself, but if knowing is bothering you, you have to get it out into the open.

If I told my partner what I knew they would immediately know who squeaked.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

If I told my partner what I knew they would immediately know who squeaked.

Maybe they shouldn't have squeaked then? Sin always has a consequence.

 

[The Nihilist]

Hush, SiyoNqoba. If you think of your actions as punishment for another's sin, you're assuming the role of a god. Go start the Inquisition, why don't you?

The friend could be lying or mistaken. Either way, I don't see how it's your problem.

 

[latteda]

I don't know, but if I were you I wouldn't assume any of it is true until I heard it from the horse's mouth.

 

[gzt]

This is slightly tangential, but I would like to say that I don't think it's a good idea to go into details of either partner's sexual history. Broad generalizations, sure, could be helpful, but going deeply into these things is, like, not a particularly good idea. I can't tell, from this post, whether you went into stuff that the two of you would and should eventually discuss or whether you went into stuff that you shouldn't know, but you probably got into stuff that you really didn't need to know. Well, I don't have advice for you, but at least you know a bit more about the quality of that friend of hers.

 

[Luther073082]

I think you need to get more details out of your partner.

Not unless the information you are being given is so detailed that its not something you really need to know. In which I would just tell the person that I don't want to hear about it.

But if your partner has been dating you for a while then you really should find out the whole story from them.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Hush, SiyoNqoba. If you think of your actions as punishment for another's sin, you're assuming the role of a god. Go start the Inquisition, why don't you?

The friend could be lying or mistaken. Either way, I don't see how it's your problem.

Haha, I think you misunderstood me. I'm not saying "Tell her, for the friend must be punished!" while punching my fist high in the air and marching forward valiantly

But because the friend gossiped, KrillBee is bothered by what he's heard and must deal with that in some way. If that way means talking to his partner, then the friend will experience some of the consequences of their gossiping. If he never tells his partner, then there will still be consequences, namely how KrillBee is feeling right now. It's why we're told not to gossip.

 

[JCFantasy23]

It would be uncomfortable to hear details from someone else. I don't need - or want to know - detail, details - general guidelines are fine.

 

[savvy]

If I'm going to learn about a partner's history, I'd prefer that the partner do the telling. The only thing I'd demand from them is info on their STD status. Beyond that, things that happened in the past aren't really that relevant to our current situation. I would not appreciate his friends going into details about it behind his back. Not cool of them to do such a thing. I expect my friends to keep details to themselves and my partner deserves the same. I think knowing every intimate detail of your partner's past isn't particularly healthy. My bf and I had STD tests together and know how many partners the other has had. That's it and the way I like it.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I would be angry at their friend, because it's not their blabbermouth buddy's business to tell me. And for what purpose? Obviously, to attempt to sabotage the relationship, right? I would flagrantly break any word I gave to their friend not to tell.

 

[bluelime2]

I feel for you, that could be really awkward. In some ways I think I'd be glad because what if the person 'accidently' forgets to share all the details because they're worried about what you'll think. You could find out some nasty stuff the hard way later on. But with a person who you know would be completely honest with you in time, I imagine it could just be an intrusion. You might not want all the details, but when someone's trying to wriggle out of something by being dishonest, sometimes 'friends' like that can actually save your bacon.

 

[Seaside Beauty]

Here's how I'd look at it:

When people look to expose the sexual history of others people to their significant others, their reasoning for doing so is often malicious. Either they're trying to hurt the significant other by sharing information that they assume the SO doesn't already have or has a problem with, or they're trying to sabotauge the relationship, or if they are a past partner they're looking to brag or gloat... I have a hard time thinking of a circumstance where a third party would discuss the private sex life of a person with their significant other where the purpose is positive or good or honest. That third party is certainly crossing lines that are of very questionable appropriateness, at best.

So knowing that this persons motivations are most likely far from wonderful, and they're speaking about somebody who you've chosen to have a relationship with... And therefore are announcing to that partner that you're choosing to put faith and trust in them... Try to take what the gossip says with a very large grain of salt. You don't know what they say or relate is true, or even if it is true, what the motivations and life was of your partner at the time these events occured. Nobody could know that, save for your partner, since your partner is the only one who can discuss and explain such a private matter as their sexual history with full context and knowledge and the only one to give you answers to the questions you may have.

Speaking entirely honestly, when you meet that person you love, I mean truly, honestly, with your whole heart and mind and body and soul, it's like you start all over again. The man that I love was not the first person I was with and before him I never thought I'd regret my sexual history. And I don't regret it now, persay... I just wish I could have known this is what love feels like and conducted myself accordingly, even before I met him. My sexual past has never been held against me, but I can honestly say that the purity of my mind and body now, knowing it all belongs only to him, and his knowing that my pledge and commitment is genuine and heartfelt, it brings me such an insane amount of happiness and pleasure and comfort that it totally erases anything that happened in the past for both of us. I'm so proud to be this way for him and to conduct myself in a way that makes him proud of me and nobody who chooses to drag old bones out of closets could ever change that for either of us. The past only matters in that they were just more steps along the stairway that brought us together.

 

[sekir]

This is slightly tangential, but I would like to say that I don't think it's a good idea to go into details of either partner's sexual history. Broad generalizations, sure, could be helpful, but going deeply into these things is, like, not a particularly good idea. I can't tell, from this post, whether you went into stuff that the two of you would and should eventually discuss or whether you went into stuff that you shouldn't know, but you probably got into stuff that you really didn't need to know. Well, I don't have advice for you, but at least you know a bit more about the quality of that friend of hers.

Exactly the point....what you really need to be interested is :-whether your partner really loves you,is sincere with you,is loyal to you and whether you arehappy with her...this friend cud be lying or exagerrating too

No nice person would talk like this abt someone else....moreover f you are that upset talk to ur partner ..but if her past really bothers you both need someone else

 

[K9_Trainer]

Personally, maintaining an open, honest relationship with my partner is more important than trying to keep a silly promise made to a friend, especially when it concerns my relationship and my partner. You shouldn't feel obligated to with hold information that YOU want to talk about just because some friend asked you not to share. Honesty is essential to a successful relationship.

As for the friend, if she gets upset because you told your girlfriend about it, well thats just too bad IMO. She should have kept her mouth shut, or at least realized that its something you need to talk to her about. That wasn't even her business to share. I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate the insight on what kind of friends she's keeping around too.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Personally, maintaining an open, honest relationship with my partner is more important than trying to keep a silly promise made to a friend, especially when it concerns my relationship and my partner. You shouldn't feel obligated to with hold information that YOU want to talk about just because some friend asked you not to share. Honesty is essential to a successful relationship.

As for the friend, if she gets upset because you told your girlfriend about it, well thats just too bad IMO. She should have kept her mouth shut, or at least realized that its something you need to talk to her about. That wasn't even her business to share. I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate the insight on what kind of friends she's keeping around too.

This.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

This.

I agree also