On The Freking Edge

[RJHarmony84]

hah, when I first came to this forum I though wow, I should just leave, this is for people who have real problems like MASSIVE sexual and pysical abuse in thier past. Not people like me who just had a bit of emotional abuse and a teeeny weeny bit of sexual abuse mixed in. But now I'm not so sure. My head feels like it's trying to devide itself, my mood swings all over the place, and I can't stop thinking about my husband(my abuser). My thoughts are, in order,

Oh man, I put him in jail...he's going to be so mad at me...well maybe the (edited!) will actually change in there, and then I can go back to loving him and holding him close like I used to. I miss him so much! *remembers the scent of him* OH he was so sweet to me so many times, he brought me roses AND THEN HE LIED TO ME, WHY DID I EVER THINK HE WOULD CHANGE, HE CAN'T, HE WON'T, HE NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT ME. HE IS A DISGUSTING PIG, I JUST WANT TO SPIT THE GUY ON A FREKING PITCHFORK IT'S A GOOD THING HE'S NOT HERE NOW. He's not here now... But I did love him once..wait, I still do love him! I love his eyes...and the way he holds me when he's happy..and how his eyes tear up when he looks into my eyes, because he thinks I'm beautiful...So I dress up really pretty so he'll cry some more because I love being beautiful for him... and then HE DOESN'T NOTICE AND IGNORES ME AND ASKS ME TO CLEAN UP THE RUG OR WASH HIS CLOTHES WHILE I'M ALL DRESSED UP. AND IF I SAY NO HE CALLS ME STUPID (EDITED) OR JUST RAGS ON ABOUT HOW I'M HELPLESS (AND MEANS WORTHLESS) AND THAT HE HAS TO DO EVERYTHING FOR ME.
.......
............
Well you get the idea. I'm about to either go call a lawyer and get a divorce or go tell the police that I was wrong, he's a saint and it was all my idea to put him in there. Or scream until I lose my voice(again). Which would probably be better than either of the other 2 things. I'm on the freking edge of something here

 

[DeaconDean]

Friend...marriage is a two way street, not one way! The Bible says to try and be reconciled to each other, but...if that can not happen then I say GET OUT! Once an abuser, ALWAYS an abuser. Like my dad for example, when I was younger, I took many a years of both physical and verbal abuse, always thought I deservered some of it but not all of it. Later on, my sister moved in with dad and had her first child. For the first few years he was ok, but later on my sister had a second child, (both out of wedlock) and the same things he used to do to me he was doing to my sisters first son. So it's possible he'll never change. You need to try and be reconciled with husband, but if that don't work, then find someone who will love and support you for who and what you are, preferably a Christian man. Good luck! BTW...If you just want to talk or someone just to listen to you vent out pm me, I work 3rd shift and am up all night. God Bless and good luck! Prayerfully yours.

 

[luv4godremains]

I don't have any good advice or comforting words, all I can say is that I'm praying for you, and I know God is gonna stay with you through this all, guiding you through your decisions and helping you see the truth and tell you that God has his arms wrapped around you and giving you lots of hugs, never letting go! he's proud of ya!

 

[Theresasjourney]

Sounds like he has some very serious issues going on that needs attention.
its always possible to try a temporary seperation with a goal of reconciliation upon the condition he seeks counseling and you both go to marriage counseling also....and only then reconciling when he has dealt with his issues and you have some input on issues you struggle with.
God wants our marriages to be loving and supportive and respectful..He does not exspect us to be in an abusive marriage. Abuse is not pure love...real love.
Praying for you....

 

[RJHarmony84]

Sounds like he has some very serious issues going on that needs attention.
its always possible to try a temporary seperation with a goal of reconciliation upon the condition he seeks counseling and you both go to marriage counseling also....and only then reconciling when he has dealt with his issues and you have some input on issues you struggle with.

Praying for you....

That sounds like a really really good idea...thanks. I'll talk to my pastor and others about it too, I know I have probably at least as many issues as he does. I don't know how long this is going to take, or have the slightest clue if it will work, but I need to do SOMETHING. lol.

 

[Theresasjourney]

That sounds like a really really good idea...thanks. I'll talk to my pastor and others about it too, I know I have probably at least as many issues as he does. I don't know how long this is going to take, or have the slightest clue if it will work, but I need to do SOMETHING. lol.

awesome...remember it won't happen over night...you both have deep issues to resolve...to be healed b/f you can rebuild on a healthy foundation of safe...trust...respect...and a healthier love.
It can be done and has been done many times b/f.....may God put the right people in your life and in your hubbies life to bring about healthy resolution...;o)

 

[Johnnz]

Be very careful. There are some very abusive, controlling, selfish people out there who have no desire to change. Sure, talk to your pastor, but always remember that most pastors have limited experience and knowledge about serious personality disorders and are really not qualified to make a call on some people.

From your post I think you have probably done the right thing, and unless and until he shows consistent signs overa period of real change you could be in for a repeat later on.

John
NZ

 

[RJHarmony84]

Be very careful. There are some very abusive, controlling, selfish people out there who have no desire to change. Sure, talk to your pastor, but always remember that most pastors have limited experience and knowledge about serious personality disorders and are really not qualified to make a call on some people.

From your post I think you have probably done the right thing, and unless and until he shows consistent signs overa period of real change you could be in for a repeat later on.

John
NZ

That's what I'm afraid of--he's been doing this to me for 5 years, and he always said he'd change, but never did. And now I have reprots from the Police and old friends of his that he's been like this even longer than I thought...

 

[RJHarmony84]

I just don't understand. I pray and pray, I get a quick release of pressure, and then it all builds up again. It just seems so hopeless sometimes!! I know God is there, and this is supposed to make me stronger, but that doesn't make it hurt less...And this whole post is so cliche...*pounds head on wall*

 

[Ssarl]

You're not a cliche, and neither are your problems trivial.
'A little bit of sexual abuse' is not some small thing that you should just get over.
I've never been physically abused to any significant extent, since my parent's rages didn't tend to have enough conviction behind them. But words were enough, and this has caused me many years of hurt. It's not something to try and pretend doesn't exist, because that never works...

You were mistreated. That is wrong, and it matters. It can seriously damage your life (though this isn't obligatory - you can, with help, deal with it). Don't buy into the lie that you should just up and get over it or that this is in *any* way deserved or something that you should take.

I know my flaws would always be pointed out and used as the blame for what was said about me. You're not perfect, but that doesn't make it ok to overreact to things you do, to hurt you, to make you feel threatened. That's criminal. You didn't put your husband in jail. He put himself in there by committing a crime. You are absolutely not responsible for this.

I hope that you will find relief for this turmoil.

Your brother in Christ,
Andrew

 

[RJHarmony84]

You're not a cliche, and neither are your problems trivial.
'A little bit of sexual abuse' is not some small thing that you should just get over.
I've never been physically abused to any significant extent, since my parent's rages didn't tend to have enough conviction behind them. But words were enough, and this has caused me many years of hurt. It's not something to try and pretend doesn't exist, because that never works...

You were mistreated. That is wrong, and it matters. It can seriously damage your life (though this isn't obligatory - you can, with help, deal with it). Don't buy into the lie that you should just up and get over it or that this is in *any* way deserved or something that you should take.

I know my flaws would always be pointed out and used as the blame for what was said about me. You're not perfect, but that doesn't make it ok to overreact to things you do, to hurt you, to make you feel threatened. That's criminal. You didn't put your husband in jail. He put himself in there by committing a crime. You are absolutely not responsible for this.

I hope that you will find relief for this turmoil.

Your brother in Christ,
Andrew

Thank you...

 

[RJHarmony84]

This is just so awful, I feel like I can only express myself when I'm not even there--like on these posts.
I can only type letters on a page, putting in my feeligns where they won't hurt me, where I won't have to see the people I'm talking to. I can't talk face-to-face about this to anyone.
If I try to I go into 'robot mode'--flat, emotionless voice, no facial expression, ruthlessly trimming down everthing that happened to me so that they won't react either...because I can't stand it when they do...
Or I turn on 'victim mode', where I start talking to someone, lowering my eyelashes, screwing up my face, and not only leaving in the biggest things, embellishing them to the greatest extent of proveable honesty, but adding all the littlest things and searching for more, more, more, until they do react, and violently, spewing sympathy and solace until they feel better. And I hook into thier emotions and feel calm, for a while.
Because I can't, I can't let myself react or I'll go insane, I'll be stuck forever in that hateful violence, and so I expect them to react for me...I'm a leech, I'm disgusting to myself, I hate myself more for wanting thier sympathy than I do for being stupid enough to let it happen in the first place.
But if I stop asking for thier sympathy, convince myself I don't need it, they give it anyway in excess, and I draw from it like a heroine addict unable to stop, and hate myself even more. And I hate myself for asking for your sympathy, too. Even tho I want it so badly...I have been trying so hard all my life to NOT become a sympathy addict that I wound up becoming one...how does that work??
I knew better! Why did I let this happen? How could I really think he loved me? Why do I still think he does, even when I know better? I switch back and forth between robotic and victimized...all acting, no feeling. Am I going insane anyway, despite all my trying to heal???? I've got to get out...out of here, out of whatever hell this is. I have to make this make sense...
Ok, God gave me this man, so He must have meant me to make it through this trial, too...To make me stronger, happier, a sharper tool for Him, something...I just can't see it now. I have to trust...And it's so hard to trust anyone right now... I can't and don't believe God would want me to suffer for no reason! Lord please lift me up, it's just so hard to see the end of the forest, from down here in this horrid rift...

 

[Johnnz]

God does not take away our pain. That would be to deny our humanity. He is there with us in our pain, with His love for us.

It will only as you make the right choices and move om from there that you will begin to feel better.

John
NZ

 

[RJHarmony84]

God does not take away our pain. That would be to deny our humanity. He is there with us in our pain, with His love for us.

It will only as you make the right choices and move om from there that you will begin to feel better.

John
NZ

Ah, yes, but what is a 'right choice'? Part of me wants to kill him, part of me is sickened by him, part of me is sorry for him, part of me loves him still, part of me wants to divorce him and move on, Part of me wants to snatch him back and love him forever, part of me wants to forget any thing with him in it ever happened, Part of me wants to toss him a set granade and stand back to watch, part of me wants to kill myself to releive the pain of simply thinking.
And they're none of them the RIGHT decision. I guess if I pick one and go with it, God will show me whether or not it's the 'right' one by giving me the strength to get through it, or making me weak so I have to choose something else. Ruling out killing him or myself, that leaves me with go back to him completly(and get arrested for making a false statement to the cops), divorce him, and separate from him but not divorce him. And the only one I can try that still leaves me both other options open to try is separate from him. So I really don't have much of a choice. Right or otherwise.
Whoopie.
I'm gonna be sick.... :o

 

[Theresasjourney]

God will give you wisdom and or put people in your life to give support and educated input.
1. You are a survivor..you are a wounded person yourself...you are a needy person...all are very normal for a survivor. You have low self esteem and a great fear of making choices..which is also normal for a survivor b/c we had those abilities stolen from us or there was a great fear of punishment.
2. B/c you are a survivor your perceptions are skewed about healthiness. All your God given healthy cognitive skills were twisted.
3. You are probably severly depressed and feeling lost and hopeless. Which is also very normal.
Even though all these survivor symptoms are normal...they are a skewed normal in that they are not what God intended for us. What God intended for us was stolen from us by our abusers. So we have to fight to take back our God given rights to healthiness.
And it stinks and its hard work and its very scary..so much so it does make us feel sick...b/c of fear. Fear is not of God...the enemy wants you to keep you bound in your isssues and he uses fear to keep in in emotional chains.
God wants you free....
You deserve to be free in healthiness...
You are worth it..you are worth the fight to be all you can be in healthiness in God...
Now you have to decide...fight to be free in healthiness...or stay in emotional bondage.
You should consider seeing a counselor....
You should consider seeing your Dr to get help with depression...depression is a bondage all its own and getting help with it helps us to help ourselves toward healthiness.
Don't feel you have to make big hard decisions quickly where your husband is concerned...just possibly at the very least decide to seperate..maybe get a restraining order for your safety..while you both get help and have time to process and come to some Godly decisions. But feel free to seek counsel on it....I know its hard and scary. Choose one person you feel you can trust and start taking some healing steps for you first..you are an important person....then go from there. Even talk to your Dr....they will offer resources.
Praying for you during this dificult time...

 

[RJHarmony84]

I can't go see a counselor or Doctor, the only way I could pay for it would be to ask my family/parents, who are in debt for me as it is, having taken on my car payments for me, moved my things out of the house that I'm losing, stored my things, and let me live with them. I can't even go see a free one, as I have no money for gas, and my car is illegal to drive.
I have 15 bucks right now, total, to my name. I need a job...There are so many decisions I HAVE to make now, and people are going 'buck up, you were brave enough to leave the guy, so you're brave enough to make a quick decision on car insurance, and apply at every business in town in a week'. And all I really want to do is shivel up in a ball and cry.

 

[Theresasjourney]

I don't blame you for wanting to curl up and cry...its a very hard time and its very ok to have time to cry....
Call your local rape crisis center...they provide free counseling.
Also call you local mental health..they might be able to give you some suggestions.
Do you have free clinics in your town?
Lots of time Lutheran social services does free counseling...
also there are some good natural depression [seritonin] out there that helps allot.
One step at a time...k
Its all very hard work....very hard..very painful...there will be many baby steps to take and greiving...its ok to feel your pain sweetie....k. Do lots of selfcare when you can...k

 

[Johnnz]

You really are in a difficult place. Your hostile feelings are very real and understandable. They willmake any relationship pretty hard to handle to say the least. Time out for personal safety and reflection may be the next step.

Do you have a chuch family where you can get some support and advice?

Some people need a 'bomb' before they even begin to think about changing themselves, if ever. Your police action may be such an opportunity for him to take stock. If that doesn't do anything for him then I think your decsion will be much clearer then.

Bless you

John
NZ

 

[Theresasjourney]

Hi Harmony...
Just stopping by to let you know someone is thinking about you and praying for you and caring...
Gentle hugs...

 

[thepianist]

Sweetheart, sounds to me like you already know what you need to do. This "man" doesn't really love you, not like what I will call 'true love'. I am awfully sorry for your situation, but you are young - that is in your favor. Any abusive state which we are in - God doesn't want that for us. He wants you to be with the man He made just for you - and that man does exist, somewhere. That fella, Mr. Right, will become part of you and you will become part of him. It will be a two way street - which is something that you have never experienced. It's wonderful - if only everyone could be patient and wait on the Lord to show us the 'right' one, this world would be a better place.

You will be in my prayers, dear. May God grant you the peace, comfort, and courage to deal with this mess - move on with your life and find that ONE made just for YOU!!!