Newly Wed - Wife Likely Has Borderline Personality Disorder

[Acedeck]

I made what is quickly appearing to be a hasty, life altering mistske. After returning from a long deploument, starved for affection and freedom, I eloped with my girlfriend of only three month . Everything seemed perfect, and this is from a person who never thought he'd feel love again. From an emotional perspective, I never felt so sure. However, I definitely did not know enough about my now wife.

I saw a few red flags early on, but the blissful, romantic, naive stage blinded me. She always came off as highly emotional, but that same emotion helped fuel our passion. I turned a blind eye. Each week found a way to contain at least a couple insanely volatile days. One day, the sweet, innocent seeming woman I married turned on me like a snake over something very petty. I noticed that her passion, regardless of the direction or emotion, always seemed to be peddle to the floor. Love, hate, anger, sadness, etc. It was always like a light switch, either on or off, and completely to the extreme. On this night, she overreacted in a negative way to the fact that I didn't laugh out loud enough to the YouTube video she played for me. Without even escalating the conversation, she began telling me how she has other men who she could call right then and there who would love to hear about how her husband wasn't pleasing her. She then screamed at me to get her a diet coke, and I resisted due to the harsh, cruel tone. She told me about how she had all of her orifices were filled when she had a four way with three men. Mind you, this is all news to me at the time.

Fast forward only 15 minutes, and she couldn't be more in love with me. She loves me more than everything in the world. She is highly dependent and clingy, to the extreme. Every emotion she experiences has the dial turned about 5 notches too far to the right, whether good or bad or neutral. She is highly unstable and narcissistic. She has no ability to even consider herself as contributing to any outcome in her life. For example, she got a DUI and blames her parents for being too overbearing and overprotective. My wife is 32.
She has a breathalyzer device in her car and the other day she woke up and blew a .06 into my bluetooth bac device I have. She knew she had an appointment at 8am to get the device checked, which is mandatory after her DUI. She had to make up lies to avoid violating probation and going to jail. Even then, she blamed the incident on not getting the device removed yet, despite being eligible to have it removed. Nothing is her fault. Everything is an outside factor, and her reckless behavior aligns perfectly with borderline personality disorder. She had dependency issues, instantaneous over reactions to everything, reckless behavior, narcissism traits, sarcastic and uneven temper, and she has a pattern of extremely volatile relationships. She's extremely attractive, so it comes as no surprise that she has been in some long term relationships, despite being volatile. But none of these traits were visible during the beginning stages.

At this point, I don't know.what to do. She had an emotional breakdown at the dinner table with her parents last night, and it all stemmed from is disagreeing about what breed of dog her parents should get. She has a highly self centered view, but it clearly enters into the personality order realm. I've been with some divas beflre, and my wife genuinely appears mentally ill. She can't help it, but at the same time, it makes our day to day life a nightmare. We are newlyweds, and I already feel like I'm in a failed marriage on a cliff.

Any help or advice? She refuses to get help and her parents are enablers because they think their daughter is just being their daughter. I have an objective view, and she desperately needs help. Do I nip this in the bud or do I seek help? Other factors that should be noted:

-I left for the army at 29 and now live several states away from home in order to be with my wife.
-I have a little over 1 year left in the area at my army duty station. Afterwards, I will get out and get a civilian job again. My initial intent was to move home with my loved ones, but that changed with this marriage.
-I have no friends here and my wife absolutely suffocates my calendar each week. I am lucky to have even 1 hour of alone time outside of work each week. She has severe abandonment issues.
-I've been miserable for the past two months since moving in together. I was happier I'm Afghanistan.
-I love this woman.
-This woman is an over the top, type A personality, and she is very demanding.

 

[bhsmte]

I made what is quickly appearing to be a hasty, life altering mistske. After returning from a long deploument, starved for affection and freedom, I eloped with my girlfriend of only three month . Everything seemed perfect, and this is from a person who never thought he'd feel love again. From an emotional perspective, I never felt so sure. However, I definitely did not know enough about my now wife.

I saw a few red flags early on, but the blissful, romantic, naive stage blinded me. She always came off as highly emotional, but that same emotion helped fuel our passion. I turned a blind eye. Each week found a way to contain at least a couple insanely volatile days. One day, the sweet, innocent seeming woman I married turned on me like a snake over something very petty. I noticed that her passion, regardless of the direction or emotion, always seemed to be peddle to the floor. Love, hate, anger, sadness, etc. It was always like a light switch, either on or off, and completely to the extreme. On this night, she overreacted in a negative way to the fact that I didn't laugh out loud enough to the YouTube video she played for me. Without even escalating the conversation, she began telling me how she has other men who she could call right then and there who would love to hear about how her husband wasn't pleasing her. She then screamed at me to get her a diet coke, and I resisted due to the harsh, cruel tone. She told me about how she had all of her orifices were filled when she had a four way with three men. Mind you, this is all news to me at the time.

Fast forward only 15 minutes, and she couldn't be more in love with me. She loves me more than everything in the world. She is highly dependent and clingy, to the extreme. Every emotion she experiences has the dial turned about 5 notches too far to the right, whether good or bad or neutral. She is highly unstable and narcissistic. She has no ability to even consider herself as contributing to any outcome in her life. For example, she got a DUI and blames her parents for being too overbearing and overprotective. My wife is 32.
She has a breathalyzer device in her car and the other day she woke up and blew a .06 into my bluetooth bac device I have. She knew she had an appointment at 8am to get the device checked, which is mandatory after her DUI. She had to make up lies to avoid violating probation and going to jail. Even then, she blamed the incident on not getting the device removed yet, despite being eligible to have it removed. Nothing is her fault. Everything is an outside factor, and her reckless behavior aligns perfectly with borderline personality disorder. She had dependency issues, instantaneous over reactions to everything, reckless behavior, narcissism traits, sarcastic and uneven temper, and she has a pattern of extremely volatile relationships. She's extremely attractive, so it comes as no surprise that she has been in some long term relationships, despite being volatile. But none of these traits were visible during the beginning stages.

At this point, I don't know.what to do. She had an emotional breakdown at the dinner table with her parents last night, and it all stemmed from is disagreeing about what breed of dog her parents should get. She has a highly self centered view, but it clearly enters into the personality order realm. I've been with some divas beflre, and my wife genuinely appears mentally ill. She can't help it, but at the same time, it makes our day to day life a nightmare. We are newlyweds, and I already feel like I'm in a failed marriage on a cliff.

Any help or advice? She refuses to get help and her parents are enablers because they think their daughter is just being their daughter. I have an objective view, and she desperately needs help. Do I nip this in the bud or do I seek help? Other factors that should be noted:

-I left for the army at 29 and now live several states away from home in order to be with my wife.
-I have a little over 1 year left in the area at my army duty station. Afterwards, I will get out and get a civilian job again. My initial intent was to move home with my loved ones, but that changed with this marriage.
-I have no friends here and my wife absolutely suffocates my calendar each week. I am lucky to have even 1 hour of alone time outside of work each week. She has severe abandonment issues.
-I've been miserable for the past two months since moving in together. I was happier I'm Afghanistan.
-I love this woman.
-This woman is an over the top, type A personality, and she is very demanding.

I have been through it and I feel for you.

You feel trapped, you feel like you are walking on egg shells (good book about borderlines) and in essence, no matter what you do or don't do, you will be at the mercy of their child like emotions.

I would seek support and try to get her to get help and the right type of help. The difficult part is, borderlines most often will just blame you and claim they don't need help, but the real problem is you.

 

[Starcrystal]

Acedeck, try HPD
Histrionic Personality Disorder

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

• Exhibitionist behavior
• Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
• Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
• Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat
• Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
• Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention
• A need to be the center of attention
• Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
• Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others
• Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
• Making rash decisions
• Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
• Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly
• Being overly dramatic and emotional

-------------------------------------------------------------
Pray for her, and get others to pray for her...I think only God can break such things....

 

[GraceDriven]

I find it interesting only "women" get these labels thrown at them. Men can do the exact same thing and not get a psychological term thrown at them. Why is psychology so biased? Why are more women labeled things? Why does psychology do so many flip flops?

To the OP what she did to you sounds horrible, but we only have your side to things.

I think labels are bad and they are supported by imperfect humans. Go ahead and throw a label at me. I am use to it.

 

[GraceDriven]

Why are there so few criticisms where the psychology industry is concern? And why doesn't anyone see how it is being used as an evil today? Why??????

 

[Starcrystal]

Why are there so few criticisms where the psychology industry is concern? And why doesn't anyone see how it is being used as an evil today? Why??????

I agree with you on that one. Please let me explain. The actual diagnosis may be right on as far as so called 'symptoms"
However the treatments psychology & psychiatry offer are very secular, atheistic, and the medications they push from big pharma are downright dangerous!

I also agree men can exhibit the same symptoms. Probably the only reason the statistics of that disorder I posted says it affects 4 times as many women than men is probably because men are less likely to go to a therapist for a diagnoses if such behaviors. If I think back over the years I have met some men who exhibited same. Those stats come from a book called "Abnormal Psychology" published in 1984 by the way...so we can probably throw out that 4 to 1 stat.

The truth is while the symptoms may be very real, God needs to heal such things. Many people get sidetracked and I believe many mental health conditions can be cured by Jesus..After all if he healed the Gadarene man in Mark 5 who was crying and cutting himself in a graveyard (who would be immediately sent to the mental ward today) why shouldn't he heal anyone with these 'disorders"?

Secular society and Big pharma have for many years now kept people enslaved to expensive medications and ongoing therapy sessions, largely because the church as a whole doesn't step up and take action in these areas.

The reason I posted the Histrionic Disorder is it seemed to fit as well as BPD, though if you read the details of both they are quite close in nature..it just seems the Histrionic are more higher functioning...
and problem with psychiatry is they break all this stuff down in their DSM manuals to create numerous 'disorders' based on a variance of small details.

It is still a real issue but I believe turning to Jesus is the key, as well as healthy lifestyle, right diet, etc... I have researched this and often found people can start having mental health symptoms just from eating junk food and having nutritional imbalance.
People also need to let go of the past and realize perfect love casts out fear as it says in 1 John 4.

 

[GraceDriven]

Psychology is full of crap, and so are people, and it is being used as an evil today.

 

[GraceDriven]

The DSM just assigns people a number. We are just becoming numbers.

 

[Starcrystal]

The DSM just assigns people a number. We are just becoming numbers.

True, and it is garbage..
that is why I said this at the end of my post

"Pray for her, and get others to pray for her...I think only God can break such things...."

Did you ever read "The Seduction of Christianity" and "Beyond Seduction" that were published back in the 80s?...totally exposes the evils of psychology, even the use of psychology in the church

 

[bhsmte]

I find it interesting only "women" get these labels thrown at them. Men can do the exact same thing and not get a psychological term thrown at them. Why is psychology so biased? Why are more women labeled things? Why does psychology do so many flip flops?

To the OP what she did to you sounds horrible, but we only have your side to things.

I think labels are bad and they are supported by imperfect humans. Go ahead and throw a label at me. I am use to it.

Well, borderline is much more common in females, while narcissist personality disorder is more common in men.

If a qualified therapists identifies the behaviors of any personality disorder, it will apply to anyone, regardless of gender.

 

[GraceDriven]

Well, borderline is much more common in females, while narcissist personality disorder is more common in men.

If a qualified therapists identifies the behaviors of any personality disorder, it will apply to anyone, regardless of gender.

Do you have many things I have been called? Today, people throw labels around like it's nothing. It's lost all validity with me.

 

[bhsmte]

Do you have many things I have been called? Today, people throw labels around like it's nothing. It's lost all validity with me.

That is why personality disorders are diagnosed by trained professionals.

 

[Acedeck]

Update:

My wife flipped out in the middle of our dinner at a restaurant last week. The trigger was me not wanting to eat any of the chips she ordered at chipotle.

Upon getting back home, it spiraled out of control. She threatened divorce, manipulation of the police if I called them, among many other things. I remained calm, but she kept escalating the incident. I attempted to get in my car to get away from the situation, but she physically stood behind the vehicle so I couldn't leave. She said she wouldn't move until I gave her my key to "her" alartment, despite it being both of ours legally speaking. She then removed herself from behind the car, but only after threatening suicide. I had to pick the lock to my own bathroom to save her from herself and the razor and painkillers she had in hand.

I have no idea what to do. Her psychiatrist says she just has anxiety. She has attempted suicide on at least 5 different occasions. Her behavior is routinely volatile to the most extreme imaginable levels. At this point, I am worried for my own safety. She is acting reckless and I take it minute by minute when in her presence.

 

[bhsmte]

Update:

My wife flipped out in the middle of our dinner at a restaurant last week. The trigger was me not wanting to eat any of the chips she ordered at chipotle.

Upon getting back home, it spiraled out of control. She threatened divorce, manipulation of the police if I called them, among many other things. I remained calm, but she kept escalating the incident. I attempted to get in my car to get away from the situation, but she physically stood behind the vehicle so I couldn't leave. She said she wouldn't move until I gave her my key to "her" alartment, despite it being both of ours legally speaking. She then removed herself fro. The car, but only after threatening suicide. I had to pick the lock to my own bathroom to save her from herself and the razor and painkillers she had in hand.

I have no idea what to do. Here psychiatrist says she just has anxiety. She has attempted suicide on at least 5 different occasions. Her behavior is routinely volatile to the most extreme imaginable levels. At this point, I am worroed.for my own safety. She is acting reckless and I take it minute by minute when in her presence.

Those are classic borderline behaviors. Some borderlines use self destructive behavior (suicide) and some don't. I would seek professional advice and it very well could be, her psychiatrist either is not skilled at diagnosing personality disorders, or he or she does not have all the information they need to do the same.

 

[Acedeck]

Those are classic borderline behaviors. Some borderlines use self destructive behavior (suicide) and some don't. I would seek professional advice and it very well could be, her psychiatrist either is not skilled at diagnosing personality disorders, or he or she does not have all the information they need to do the same.

During these episodes, she uses the most vile, rotten, hostile, low blow type of language. She can't stop once she starts. I can sit there and take it, like I'm a painting on a wall, but she still works herself up to a ridiculous level. Every possible issue she encounters in life is external in blame. She somehow comes out of this viewing herself as flawless and perfect. After she blew up on me a different night, causing me to isolate myself from her, physically treveling to a discrete restaurant for a couple hours to avoid the wrath, she demanded an apology the next day. Mind you, I never elevated my mood or behavior in a hostile way, I simply removed myself from the situation. She told me I was pathetic, a loser, piece of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], hopeless, I deserve to be cheated on, to name a few of the criticisms. She said my daughter deserves to die, she's ugly, and she can't believe I'm such a fool to be a father to such a piece of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] little girl.

I'm mentally trying to reconcile how I'm supposed to feel the same towards my wife after she says evil, horrible stuff like this. Is it hopeless?

 

[bhsmte]

During these episodes, she uses the most vile, rotten, hostile, low blow type of language. She can't stop once she starts. I can sit there and take it, like I'm a painting on a wall, but she still works herself up to a ridiculous level. Every possible issue she encounters in life is external in blame. She somehow comes out of this viewing herself as flawless and perfect. After she blew up on me a different night, causing me to isolate myself from her, physically treveling to a discrete restaurant for a couple hours to avoid the wrath, she demanded an apology the next day. Mind you, I never elevated my mood or behavior in a hostile way, I simply removed myself from the situation. She told me I was pathetic, a loser, piece of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], hopeless, I deserve to be cheated on, to name a few of the criticisms. She said my daughter deserves to die, she's ugly, and she can't believe I'm such a fool to be a father to such a piece of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] little girl.

I'm mentally trying to reconcile how I'm supposed to feel the same towards my wife after she says evil, horrible stuff like this. Is it hopeless?

I have been there.

The fact is, until you have a skilled therapist give a diagnosis and the person is willing to admit they need help, things will not get better. Borderlines are natorious for refusing to admit they need help and if they visit a therapist, they will seek a different one, as soon as the therapist points out the problem.

I recommend ths book; walking on egg shells.

 

[dayhiker]

I have a long distance relationship with a woman with 3 traits of BPD. So I can relate. Tho it sounds like your wife has it much worse.

Because my GF is a hour light away I could set some boundaries and she started as I wasn't going to put up with that behavior.

Also my GF had a counselor is is amazing with helping her deal with this stuff.

I would be good to get some help on your side. Sounds like her family is enabling her so don't look for help there.
I like that you leave ... much better than getting mad at her and hitting her.

So I'm thinking you need to find a counselor that hows BPD and can help you make the right choices.

 

[DaisyDay]

During these episodes, she uses the most vile, rotten, hostile, low blow type of language.

Yeah, the term is "emotional vomit". It's pretty gross and upsetting to the recipient.

Seriously though, you are at risk for PSTD if you don't get a handle on this. The stress can be through the roof. Obviously.

After she blew up on me a different night, causing me to isolate myself from her, physically treveling to a discrete restaurant for a couple hours to avoid the wrath, she demanded an apology the next day.

Isolating yourself during a tantrum is the right thing to do. That she would demand an apology the next day instead of proffering one, does not bode well. My bpd-husband was always embarrassed afterwards - he learned to manage his behavior/emotions because he wanted to. If your wife doesn't want to or doesn't see the need to, then you have to decide.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

Update:

My wife flipped out in the middle of our dinner at a restaurant last week. The trigger was me not wanting to eat any of the chips she ordered at chipotle.

Upon getting back home, it spiraled out of control. She threatened divorce, manipulation of the police if I called them, among many other things. I remained calm, but she kept escalating the incident. I attempted to get in my car to get away from the situation, but she physically stood behind the vehicle so I couldn't leave. She said she wouldn't move until I gave her my key to "her" alartment, despite it being both of ours legally speaking. She then removed herself from behind the car, but only after threatening suicide. I had to pick the lock to my own bathroom to save her from herself and the razor and painkillers she had in hand.

I have no idea what to do. Her psychiatrist says she just has anxiety. She has attempted suicide on at least 5 different occasions. Her behavior is routinely volatile to the most extreme imaginable levels. At this point, I am worried for my own safety. She is acting reckless and I take it minute by minute when in her presence.

Sounds like she needs psychiatric stay... Man I feel for you, idk why you jumped in this marriage so soon.... Idk maybe in this situation divorce is best... Like one user said.. Only jesus can heal these types of illnesses..and I feel for your wife BC she cant help it.

 

[bhsmte]

Sounds like she needs psychiatric stay... Man I feel for you, idk why you jumped in this marriage so soon.... Idk maybe in this situation divorce is best... Like one user said.. Only jesus can heal these types of illnesses..and I feel for your wife BC she cant help it.

Very difficult to force a psyche stay unless one can prove the person is a serious threat to themselves, or others.