So my OCD has found a new thing to focus on. This one is really killing me. I had been struggling with the whole "vow" thing for over a year now and was just starting to get a handle on it. I still have some "vows" I'm worried about, but right now that's not the main issue that I am worrying about.
I'm having a terrible time thinking that things are "cursed" or that I can "curse" things. The curse would be from the evil one.
The problem has really bothered me and has prevented me from doing certain things thinking they are "cursed". Here's what I'm currently dealing with....
Last weekend I was having some bad OCD, having tons of trouble with wanting to "vow" to the point where I was resisting it for literally hours, trying not to "vow" the same "vow" over and over again. I finally got myself to calm down and was laying around. You will need some background to understand this next part.
------------------------------
Now, for a long time I have worried that some new computer parts I bought were "cursed" and if I use them, everything that has to do with them will become "cursed". For example, I use the parts to build the computer, then maybe I put my photo library on that computer, now I'm worried the photos are cursed and must be gotten rid of. Very scary as it's years worth of photos. Then lets say I do some research for work on there, then I'm worried that everything I learned is "cursed", so on and so forth. So I've had these parts since last year, $800 worth of stuff going to waste because I'm too scared to use the stuff. Naturally, this has become a source of some different OCD. Recently, I had been doing better with this, and was almost to the point of putting the computer together and using it without worrying about this "curse" junk.
------------------------------
Ok, so back to last weekend. Somehow after having a ton of OCD I got this thought that if I did a certain thing that all those parts would actually be "cursed". Now, that was pretty clearly OCD, but at some point while worrying about that, I seemed to accept it all in my mind. So at this point, what was before just OCD, now became "real" because I actually accepted this "curse". There were two other times later that week that I worried I accepted the "curse". The solution to all this would be to get rid of the parts, either by throwing them away or giving them away. This is not the first time I've had to throw something expensive away because of OCD.
It ended up getting to the point where there were a bunch of things I could not do until I threw the parts away, and if I DID do those things, I would have to "reverse" them by getting rid of those too. For example:
1. I could not update the operating system on my MacBook, or I would have to either reformat it, or worse, throw it away.
2. I couldn't update any of the apps on my iPhone, or I would have to delete them and never use them again.
3. I could not add a third garage door opener to my garage door or I would have to throw it away. (My room mate still doesn't have a garage door opener)
4. I could not rebuild my computer at work or I would have to delete everything and start over and anything I did on it would be "cursed".
5. I'm not allowed to meet anyone online (online dating, I've been doing it for a while) or I will have to completely stop talking to them or it would be "cursed"
Somehow this and more was all related to getting rid of the original parts. Once I got rid of them, I could do any of this without issue.
The whole issue is that I have some OCD anxiety, and the solution/compulsion really sucks (for example throwing away $800 worth of computer parts), but if I don't do that, it will end up MUCH worse, like having to throw away $800 worth of computer parts and a $1200 laptop.
So tonight I'm having more bad OCD, worried I had cursed my phone and some other junk. Next thing I know, not only do I think I have to throw away those original parts, but I was worried I had to throw away my phone too. So I'm FREAKING out about all this stuff and then something really bad happened....
I was having anxiety about all this and seemed to say something like "bring on the curse" almost out of frustration or something. That one seemed like OCD, since it was out of frustration. But then, after that, I seemed to say it again for real, like I meant it. Now I think that all this stuff is actually real and if I don't start throwing all this stuff away, including my phone, it will all be cursed and it will "curse" other things. The second time I seemed to say "bring on the curse" I think I may have been trying to say to bring on the curse if I go through with all this (to counter it), but accidentally said it wrong. I have no idea if that's what happened or not, all I know is I seemed to say it a second time and I'm worried I meant it. I'm worried because I said that, that is must be true now.
What should I do? It would be horrible to throw all that away, but it would be much worse to have to get rid of everything I do for the next year or something because later on I freak out about this.
I call this a "progressive" OCD issue. There is anxiety, which leads to a really bad compulsion, but if I don't follow through with the compulsion, the compulsion gets much worse. I HATE this, I feel so trapped.
And it's not like this is all I'm dealing with. I have a "vow" that I'm worried about that happened literally last August, and I'm afraid that I "vowed" not to spend more than $499 in a month. That is very hard to do when paying rent and bills. If I do go over, then I have to spend another year not paying more than $499.
I am worried that if I start working out before some date in June that working out will be "cursed" and I will have to:
1. Stop working out
2. Let new muscle go away
3. Re-gain any weight I lossed
Or everything will be "cursed". Unfortunately not working out makes the OCD way worse.
I'm worried that I "vowed" not to drink for some time and if I did drink in that time then I would "vow" never to drink again. I've never had a problem with drinking and that whole thing started with OCD. The issue is now I am basically avoiding social situations because of this and that makes the OCD even worse.
It's like EVERYTHING has to do with the OCD. I'M GOING NUTS AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I feel like I need "proof" that something isn't "cursed" and that technically it could be. I'm so scared all the time, I'm afraid to think because I might "vow" something or say something will be "cursed". I literally can't do much of ANYTHING because of either a "vow" or "curse".
Then sometimes I get "combination" OCD, for example I will think I committed some terrible sin or something similar, then out of OCD "vow" not to do something because of the sin, then worry that if I break the "vow" then not only will I have broken the "vow" but I would also be committing the "sin" that I thought I committed which made me want to "vow".
Every time I turn around, there's something new I can't do. I basically just sit inside all day, me and my mother went to the park today and I was worried where we parked because I couldn't walk too far or that would be "working out".
I feel so trapped. I want to go out and have fun and get to know people but then BAM all these supposed "vows" and other crap get in the way. It's like a prison. I hate this.
Then I think "well a Christian won't be affected by something being 'cursed'" but then I have so much OCD about whether I really have faith that thinking that does not ease the fear that much. It's like no matter what I think of, I'm always scared.
How do I escape? I want to go through with the compulsions so bad because I'm so scared, but I know if I go through with them that makes them seem real and it will just happen again. I don't know what to do. Please pray for me. I need advice. This is affecting everything, even at work.
Thank you.
I'm having a terrible time thinking that things are "cursed" or that I can "curse" things. The curse would be from the evil one.
The problem has really bothered me and has prevented me from doing certain things thinking they are "cursed". Here's what I'm currently dealing with....
Last weekend I was having some bad OCD, having tons of trouble with wanting to "vow" to the point where I was resisting it for literally hours, trying not to "vow" the same "vow" over and over again. I finally got myself to calm down and was laying around. You will need some background to understand this next part.
------------------------------
Now, for a long time I have worried that some new computer parts I bought were "cursed" and if I use them, everything that has to do with them will become "cursed". For example, I use the parts to build the computer, then maybe I put my photo library on that computer, now I'm worried the photos are cursed and must be gotten rid of. Very scary as it's years worth of photos. Then lets say I do some research for work on there, then I'm worried that everything I learned is "cursed", so on and so forth. So I've had these parts since last year, $800 worth of stuff going to waste because I'm too scared to use the stuff. Naturally, this has become a source of some different OCD. Recently, I had been doing better with this, and was almost to the point of putting the computer together and using it without worrying about this "curse" junk.
------------------------------
Ok, so back to last weekend. Somehow after having a ton of OCD I got this thought that if I did a certain thing that all those parts would actually be "cursed". Now, that was pretty clearly OCD, but at some point while worrying about that, I seemed to accept it all in my mind. So at this point, what was before just OCD, now became "real" because I actually accepted this "curse". There were two other times later that week that I worried I accepted the "curse". The solution to all this would be to get rid of the parts, either by throwing them away or giving them away. This is not the first time I've had to throw something expensive away because of OCD.
It ended up getting to the point where there were a bunch of things I could not do until I threw the parts away, and if I DID do those things, I would have to "reverse" them by getting rid of those too. For example:
1. I could not update the operating system on my MacBook, or I would have to either reformat it, or worse, throw it away.
2. I couldn't update any of the apps on my iPhone, or I would have to delete them and never use them again.
3. I could not add a third garage door opener to my garage door or I would have to throw it away. (My room mate still doesn't have a garage door opener)
4. I could not rebuild my computer at work or I would have to delete everything and start over and anything I did on it would be "cursed".
5. I'm not allowed to meet anyone online (online dating, I've been doing it for a while) or I will have to completely stop talking to them or it would be "cursed"
Somehow this and more was all related to getting rid of the original parts. Once I got rid of them, I could do any of this without issue.
The whole issue is that I have some OCD anxiety, and the solution/compulsion really sucks (for example throwing away $800 worth of computer parts), but if I don't do that, it will end up MUCH worse, like having to throw away $800 worth of computer parts and a $1200 laptop.
So tonight I'm having more bad OCD, worried I had cursed my phone and some other junk. Next thing I know, not only do I think I have to throw away those original parts, but I was worried I had to throw away my phone too. So I'm FREAKING out about all this stuff and then something really bad happened....
I was having anxiety about all this and seemed to say something like "bring on the curse" almost out of frustration or something. That one seemed like OCD, since it was out of frustration. But then, after that, I seemed to say it again for real, like I meant it. Now I think that all this stuff is actually real and if I don't start throwing all this stuff away, including my phone, it will all be cursed and it will "curse" other things. The second time I seemed to say "bring on the curse" I think I may have been trying to say to bring on the curse if I go through with all this (to counter it), but accidentally said it wrong. I have no idea if that's what happened or not, all I know is I seemed to say it a second time and I'm worried I meant it. I'm worried because I said that, that is must be true now.
What should I do? It would be horrible to throw all that away, but it would be much worse to have to get rid of everything I do for the next year or something because later on I freak out about this.
I call this a "progressive" OCD issue. There is anxiety, which leads to a really bad compulsion, but if I don't follow through with the compulsion, the compulsion gets much worse. I HATE this, I feel so trapped.
And it's not like this is all I'm dealing with. I have a "vow" that I'm worried about that happened literally last August, and I'm afraid that I "vowed" not to spend more than $499 in a month. That is very hard to do when paying rent and bills. If I do go over, then I have to spend another year not paying more than $499.
I am worried that if I start working out before some date in June that working out will be "cursed" and I will have to:
1. Stop working out
2. Let new muscle go away
3. Re-gain any weight I lossed
Or everything will be "cursed". Unfortunately not working out makes the OCD way worse.
I'm worried that I "vowed" not to drink for some time and if I did drink in that time then I would "vow" never to drink again. I've never had a problem with drinking and that whole thing started with OCD. The issue is now I am basically avoiding social situations because of this and that makes the OCD even worse.
It's like EVERYTHING has to do with the OCD. I'M GOING NUTS AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I feel like I need "proof" that something isn't "cursed" and that technically it could be. I'm so scared all the time, I'm afraid to think because I might "vow" something or say something will be "cursed". I literally can't do much of ANYTHING because of either a "vow" or "curse".
Then sometimes I get "combination" OCD, for example I will think I committed some terrible sin or something similar, then out of OCD "vow" not to do something because of the sin, then worry that if I break the "vow" then not only will I have broken the "vow" but I would also be committing the "sin" that I thought I committed which made me want to "vow".
Every time I turn around, there's something new I can't do. I basically just sit inside all day, me and my mother went to the park today and I was worried where we parked because I couldn't walk too far or that would be "working out".
I feel so trapped. I want to go out and have fun and get to know people but then BAM all these supposed "vows" and other crap get in the way. It's like a prison. I hate this.
Then I think "well a Christian won't be affected by something being 'cursed'" but then I have so much OCD about whether I really have faith that thinking that does not ease the fear that much. It's like no matter what I think of, I'm always scared.
How do I escape? I want to go through with the compulsions so bad because I'm so scared, but I know if I go through with them that makes them seem real and it will just happen again. I don't know what to do. Please pray for me. I need advice. This is affecting everything, even at work.
Thank you.
