My daughter wants to become a boy

[GenetoJean]

While I dont post as much as Stephany and Cute Tink, I am here too and am happy to be PMed as well.

 

[Adelyn Woodcock]

The situation is difficult but pray for your child. Prayers can make you feel better.

What the child needs is understanding. The situation may be different but as parents, we should always put the welfare of our kids on top despite and inspite of what we really feel about the situation.

 

[UkuLadyPDX]

I know i may not have the most popular opinion, but I have grown up very tolerant of gay/bi/and trans individuals. My father is a transgender woman. I didn't find out until i was about fourteen but to me it wasn't a big deal emotionally anyways. I love my dad and i understand that he isn't a boy inside and pretending to be a boy has made him unhappy. As a mother i don't push gender stereotypes. My daughter is a beautiful person and loves Jesus, and the most important thing is that she is happy. If my daughter were to tell me that she is a boy inside, I would love and support her in every way i could. The transgender kids who end up killing themselves do so because they are unhappy not because they are trans but because the people who are supposed to love and support them refuse to support who they really are. They feel they are being forced to be unhappy to make everyone else happy. It isn't always the easiest life but its better then feeling like your forced to live a lie.

I hope this helps

 

[sickntired771]

Thanks for sharing your story UkuLadyPdx, I tend to agree with you and love trans people as my brother's and sisters in Christ no differently.

 

[razzelflabben]

Imagine you are at the pediatrician's office with your 13 year old girl. You brought her there because of depression and cutting. The female doctor asks you if she can speak to your girl alone. You leave the room and 20 minutes later the doctor has your girl leave and calls you into the room. Then she says that there are some big things going on. "okay", you say. You thought that there was something going on but couldn't put your finger on it. "Ellie wants to be a boy, she's transgendered". You go into shock as you kind of hear the doctor describe the latest hormone therapies to stop your daughter's period.

That's what I had to go through a couple of months ago. And I'll be honest, our home life hasn't been the best. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce and I'm bipolar. Still, we do our best to keep a happy and somewhat well-adjusted home for our two kids. Beyond that my 15 year old boy has Asperger's and both are homeschooled.

My daughter's best friend is who she confides to and both my husband and I told her that we love her no matter what, but God made her a girl for a reason and we don't want her to have a difficult life. Her best friend's dad is a psychologist and thinks we're crazy to send her to a Christian therapist. Beyond this, her best friend and dad (the psychologist) now call her Elliot.

My baby doesn't talk much about it at home. Dad tells her that she's such a beautiful girl and she doesn't look like a boy. He's criticized her hair for being ugly. That can't help. Beyond all this I work full time at home and I'm just exhausted. I really just needed to vent and see if anyone else has any advice. We could use prayers too. I think my daughter's goal is to go to school as a boy next year. We can't encourage that. But I don't want my daughter to end up like the transgender girl that killed herself last week.

I'm so lost and I really don't have any friends. The one friend I have doesn't have much to say on the subject but that she's sorry I'm going through it. Thanks for any advice, prayer and help you can give. I'm tired, hurting, on the verge of divorce and so confused.

Just after Christmas, our 21 year old son decided to tell us he was "agender" meaning without gender. To "prove" his point he decided to start hormone therapy to make him more female.

Our situation is a bit different since he moved out just before Christmas, but when I told him that he needed to talk to someone who was not happy with their gender but found peace through Christ, he decided he wasn't going to talk to me any more. Oh, and we are suppose to always use the pronouns they, their, them, when we asked about singular pronoun use, he flew off the handle.

It seems this is the new up and coming thing in our society to test the limits of God's words and truth in our society. That being said, about all we can do is pray that our kids find who they are in Christ before they do too much harm to themselves.

May you find truth, wisdom, strength and grace to endure. May you discover the God of Love in the midst of your struggles.

 

[Cute Tink]

It isn't always the easiest life but its better then feeling like your forced to live a lie.

This is so very true and I'm glad that you are open to be accepting. There are many who aren't open to realizing that there is more to human development than what can be seen.

We realize that trans people being visible and open about who they are is new and different and education takes time, but there is a big difference between someone who just doesn't know anything about something and those who refuse to learn anything about it.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies and suggestions. I have been away from the forum for a while because I've been so busy and have been mostly relying on my daughter's therapist to help her. Last week she decided she wasn't going to go to therapy because she doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. She has an online presence as a boy, she is incredibly artistic and seems to have a great online community that is accepting of her. I do have concerns about a boy that she is texting however. I do read her texts and I am concerned about whether he knows if she is a girl or not. On her online profiles she puts that she is FTM transgender male and is biromantic, asexual. So basically no preference either way, but not really interested in kissing, etc. I guess that makes me feel a little better. She ordered a "binder" and had it sent to her best friend's house, which leads me to believe that her best friend's father bought it for her without me knowing. He is a psychologist by the way. So my husband finally had a talk with her when we were in the car and he explained how he felt.

The takeaway:

He said that she is claiming we are judging her, but she is judging us as well, which isn't fair because this is difficult for us and it was so sudden.

We LOVE you NO MATTER WHAT.

We are worried about your future because people can be so mean and abusive.

You can't go to school as a boy next year because your not going to use the boy's restroom (I know certain school districts make accommodations).

If you were truly transgender we would have seen it when you were a little girl, not just springing up in the last 8 months.

You need to talk and share with us so we can help you.

Its not appropriate, if you do feel you are a boy, to spend the night at your friend's house (her best friend is a girl).

I know that this isn't what she wanted to hear, but he was honest and he asked for her patience and not to judge him for how he feels or believes, that this is really difficult for him and he needs time.

 

[Cute Tink]

If you were truly transgender we would have seen it when you were a little girl, not just springing up in the last 8 months.

No no no no no. Please don't make this assumption. Not everyone deals with this issue or comes out at the same time. Not every non-trans boy likes playing with trucks or playing/watching sports, so don't assume that every trans boy is going to follow male stereotypes. I don't know where you are getting your information that makes you think this, but this is not a fact you can base your decision on.

You need to talk and share with us so we can help you.

This. Definitely.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Okay Cute Tink- I think I agree with you but it's difficult for my husband to wrap his mind around. I think he needs to study gender identity. Its going to take a while for him to come around, however he will always love her and treat her or him good.

 

[Cute Tink]

Okay Cute Tink- I think I agree with you but it's difficult for my husband to wrap his mind around. I think he needs to study gender identity. Its going to take a while for him to come around, however he will always love her and treat her or him good.

I recently met the mom of a 6 year old trans girl. She accepted the idea pretty quickly, but she also immediately sought out help and advice from some local support groups, including PFLAG. Her husband didn't accept the idea at all at first, but he was willing to listen.

A couple months later, having kept his mind open and listened to his wife, his sister and his daughter, he has largely come around.

Studies like this one are a good start.

 

[UkuLadyPDX]

I think its great that she found a community that make her feel safe. The internet really does offer a safe place for people to be themselves. Especially when they are in a situation where they are not comfortable to be themselves. In a lot of ways i grew up prepared and tolerant because i live in a very tolerant city. Most of the US is still very bigoted and school can be a nightmare. Even in Portland most middle schools were pretty awful if you were gay/bi/trans, and again i was luck to have gone to a school that celebrated who we all were regardless of who that really was. The rest of the schools called us "the gay school" but really we just were tolerant and loving. We were also an art focus school.

 

[StephanieSomer]

Not having seen any signs of your child being transgender through the years is not indicative of anything contrary to what your child is telling you. I was aware of the incongruence when I was 3 years old. But, I couldn't fully explain it, or even understand it. As I got older, I developed the ability to recognize what was behind it. By that time, I had also learned how people who are so vastly different are treated. So, I hid it. Most do.

I came out to my mom via letter about 4 years ago. Although, there's really no reason she couldn't have already realized it decades ago if she had simply paid attention and put all the signs together. She was well aware that there was some kind of gender issue going on when I was a teenager. She even had me seeing a psychologist about it. But, her actually conversing with me about it was never done. She never asked anything. Never said anything. Just stuck her head in the sand and pretended nothing was happening. It must have worked for her, because she seemed surprised when I actually told her I was in transition, as if nothing had ever occurred to her concerning any gender issues.

Like many people, she assumed I was gay, which I'm not. I've found that most people won't actually do any study on the topic, and instead form their opinion about transsexuality based solely on how it makes them feel. They then grab anything they can to justify themselves so they won't appear ignorant. They'll jump on any opinion from anyone in the psychological fields that is against transition as though they are highly credentialed experts. However, the real actual data that has been mounting over the last 3 decades is pretty stiffly in opposition to such a stance.

Sadly, most Christians won't do any real search in the Scriptures regarding it either. Instead, they choose to simply google the topic and grab whatever they can find that justifies their lack of compassion. Well, I DID the work. I did study the Scriptures about this. I did so to prove that it WAS actually sinful, as many Christians will tell you. After 3 times through the entire Scripture, and numerous cross referenced studies in many commentaries, over the course of 4 years, I realized that the stance that transsexuality was sinful could not be demonstrated in any apologetically sound argument. It was AFTER that realization that I began to consider transition as a viable option for my own distress. And it HAS been efficacious. Tremendously so.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you Ukulady and Stephanie. I'm glad to hear that you still hold on to your Christian faith. It must be very difficult for you. The last thing I want to do is push my child away from God because of how she/he feels.

 

[sickntired771]

thaiboxgirl I know you mean well but the last thing trans people want is to be refered to as he/she etc. It makes them feel subhuman and alien, they want to be called by the pronouns of their gender identity and not a he/she or even worse an "it".

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Hey, Sick- I was referring to my daughter as she on this board, but then I thought maybe I should keep her wishes in mind and add he. So that's why I said she/he. But I can't yet call her "he" at 13. I'm not there that. Something I need to pray more about.

 

[jennimatts]

Praying for you and your child.

 

[ALEA40]

Hi Thaiboxgirl,

I am in a similar situation. I came on this forum to see if anyone else was dealing with this and was surprised to find your post at the very top. My DS just told us about a month ago. It's been pretty crazy ever since. I'm kind of exhausted since I don't think I can really even sleep anymore. PM me if you want to connect with other parents going through this. Sending prayers...

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thanks Alea40! I sent you a PM.

Just a quick update. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 (just like me). The clinic waited 3 months to send us the actual evaluation or even to tell us. She was started on bipolar medication last week at my insistence. I've read cases and studies where people who complain of gender identity issues completely changed their minds and no longer felt that way after becoming stable with bipolar meds. I'm not saying that this is what I'm expecting. I just want everything else to rule itself out.

 

[Cute Tink]

Do you happen to have a link to those studies? I've not heard of this before.