My daughter wants to become a boy

[thaiboxgirl]

Imagine you are at the pediatrician's office with your 13 year old girl. You brought her there because of depression and cutting. The female doctor asks you if she can speak to your girl alone. You leave the room and 20 minutes later the doctor has your girl leave and calls you into the room. Then she says that there are some big things going on. "okay", you say. You thought that there was something going on but couldn't put your finger on it. "Ellie wants to be a boy, she's transgendered". You go into shock as you kind of hear the doctor describe the latest hormone therapies to stop your daughter's period.

That's what I had to go through a couple of months ago. And I'll be honest, our home life hasn't been the best. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce and I'm bipolar. Still, we do our best to keep a happy and somewhat well-adjusted home for our two kids. Beyond that my 15 year old boy has Asperger's and both are homeschooled.

My daughter's best friend is who she confides to and both my husband and I told her that we love her no matter what, but God made her a girl for a reason and we don't want her to have a difficult life. Her best friend's dad is a psychologist and thinks we're crazy to send her to a Christian therapist. Beyond this, her best friend and dad (the psychologist) now call her Elliot.

My baby doesn't talk much about it at home. Dad tells her that she's such a beautiful girl and she doesn't look like a boy. He's criticized her hair for being ugly. That can't help. Beyond all this I work full time at home and I'm just exhausted. I really just needed to vent and see if anyone else has any advice. We could use prayers too. I think my daughter's goal is to go to school as a boy next year. We can't encourage that. But I don't want my daughter to end up like the transgender girl that killed herself last week.

I'm so lost and I really don't have any friends. The one friend I have doesn't have much to say on the subject but that she's sorry I'm going through it. Thanks for any advice, prayer and help you can give. I'm tired, hurting, on the verge of divorce and so confused.

 

[GenetoJean]

The advice I am going to give is to please continue talk and not try not to belittle your child. I will pray that God will help your family.

 

[Dari0]

pray diligently, people get to make their own choices, even if their your kids starting to grow up to become adults. Make an effort to read the bible daily, ask for God to change hearts of your family members, hes capable of doing anything.

 

[Cute Tink]

I'm sorry for what you and your child are going through. This is definitely not an easy or simple situation and yes it can be delicate as well.

I'm going to suggest, from experience, that your husband's approach is not constructive. Being trans isn't about already looking like the preferred gender or about being pretty/handsome. It's about the person's internal sense of gender and who they are. Insulting them or poking fun at them over it is just going to shut down communication between the two people.

What I would recommend, at this point, is to keep your child in therapy. I would recommend that you participate in therapy with your child as well. Look into some information about what it means to be trans and what it means for your child. This is a good starting point.

Lastly, I would encourage you to listen to your child. You may never be willing to embrace or throw yourself behind your child transitioning, but love your child and make sure that they know that you do.

 

[hedrick]

I'm not sure your daughter's desire to be a boy is what you should focus on. I see lots of reasons for concern: the divorce, homeschooling, psychological issues with you and her brother, use of a Christian counsellor, as well as the transgender issue. (I don't know quite how to read "Christian therapist." Are we talking about a qualified clinical psychologist who is Christian and consider faith an important part of someone's life, or are we talking about someone who rejects mainstream psychology?)

Some of these differences could be perfectly innocent. There are good reason to homeschool. There are fine counsellors who are Christian. But I worry about a kid who is in an unusual and stressed home situation.

Not knowing you and your daughter (and not being a psychologist) it's hard to have specific advice. But I'd consider getting a second opinion, from a different counsellor (and one who, Christian or not, accepts that being transgendered is a real condition). It might also be worth talking to her friend's father for advice. It sounds like he knows her. I'm not sure about using him as a regular counsellor, simply because if she spends time with him socially it might not be a great idea, but at least see if he has insight into the situation that would help you. Her doctor can probably also suggest someone.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you everyone for your responses and prayers. I agree that loving her no matter what and not breaking down communication is important. The plan is for her father and I to go into counseling with her, but the therapist wants her to be ready for that.

Hendricks-

We did at first take her to a licensed psychologist who works out of the local church. She said that what is probably more important is the fact that bipolar runs in the family. She thinks that based on what I and my daughter had reported to her that there is a great possibility for bipolar. Mine came about at the same age. Also, she said that the gender issue will usually subside after some time. I was unable to afford this psychologist so I took her to my behavioral health clinic. She has had three sessions with a therapist who is LDS (we are in Utah after all), but who is trained I such issues and is neutral. He will guide therapy on the families needs and our beliefs. The therapist before him (not the Christian psychologist) straight out asked her if she wanted help in exploring how to transition. That is why I asked for a Christian or LDS counselor. The LDS counselors are more conservative and believe that God made each of us male or female for a reason. Still I understand that she may actually feel trapped in her body. The thins is that none of this surfaced until last Oct. She never acted like a boy or gave us any idea that she felt like she was a boy. And yes, the family situation is stressful. My husband and I talked long about that today.

Again thanks for the help

 

[ananda]

You may like to look into testing her neurotransmitter balance, or methylation issues.

 

[Cute Tink]

The therapist before him (not the Christian psychologist) straight out asked her if she wanted help in exploring how to transition.

If that happened in one session, rather than after a series of sessions, then I would agree the therapist was rushing things.

The LDS counselors are more conservative and believe that God made each of us male or female for a reason.

Your aim should be to find a counselor who is looking out for the best interests of your child rather than someone who necessarily holds a specific viewpoint on the central issue. I'm just urging caution.

Still I understand that she may actually feel trapped in her body. The thins is that none of this surfaced until last Oct. She never acted like a boy or gave us any idea that she felt like she was a boy.

There is a concern that this is a reaction to the stress in your family, or this could be your child finally opening up. Either way, trans people are just like non-trans people - we don't all go through this the same way. Some kids these days come out early and some of us don't have the courage or even sometimes the understanding of what's going on until later in life.

 

[jennimatts]

...none of this surfaced until last Oct. She never acted like a boy or gave us any idea that she felt like she was a boy...

This does not surprise me. It can be difficult for a child to understand their feelings about gender, especially how to communicate that to others. It is also relatively common for transgender individuals to fear how others might perceive them, and they often overcompensate in acting as the gender they were assigned at birth so that people wouldn't notice.

It is very important to diagnose and treat any type of psychological issues first. There is a person I've read about online who had multiple personalities, and transitioned only to later realize that was a mistake, and then transitioned back (at least to the degree that is possible). So, I think it is good to encourage your child to take things slowly and to take time to learn and consider the ramifications of this decision.

Even though you don't support the idea of transitioning, it is preferable to the possibility of a child feeling there is no reason to live. I hope you can genuinely love your child unconditionally and work to maintain communication (even if she does choose to transition).

I will be praying for your family.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Cute Tink: thank you for your thoughtful response and effort in helping me understand what my daughter is going through. THank you everyone else as well, even if I don't name you. I don't feel so alone now.

 

[Cute Tink]

Cute Tink: thank you for your thoughtful response and effort in helping me understand what my daughter is going through. THank you everyone else as well, even if I don't name you. I don't feel so alone now.

Since you don't know me, I think I should disclose that I am transgender and I know many trans people, including children, so I do have a lot of experience dealing with these situations, which may also make me biased in how I suggest to handle trans issues.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Cute Tink, I'm so glad that you have entered the discussion. I'm also very happy to see that you participate in a Christian forum so those of us who are unsure about what being transgender means can understand a bit more. We will love our daughter regardless of who she is, who she feels she should be or who she becomes. We only worry that she may have a difficult road ahead of her as our world isn't so accepting of differences. No one wants to see their child suffer. And that goes for suffering because she isn't allowed to be who she feels she really is. Or, it could also be that she has other issues that need to be dealt with first. Anyhow, thank you for joining the conversation.

 

[Cute Tink]

I'm glad to be here. I do try to participate in discussions about trans people and trans issues here to help people understand that we aren't freaks or mentally ill just because we are different.

Yes, transition is a scary process and there are a lot of people who don't like us, so safety is a huge issue for us. Depending on where you are, there could be protections for your child or not. I don't want to pry, but if you are interested in that information, I'd be happy to give you links or PM you specifics.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Yes, anything that you'd like to PM me would be great. My biggest fear right now is that she is planning to go back to school next year and I'm not sure that she understands what that would mean to go as a boy.

 

[jennimatts]

...I don't want my daughter to end up like the transgender girl that killed herself last week...

It appears (very obvious to me) that Leelah was driven to suicide not as a result of being transgender, but by her parents overwhelming anger, hatred and punishment that left her hopeless and feeling like there was no reason to live. She said her parents told her that "God's going to send you straight to hell", so she concluded "that God hated me and that I didn't deserve to be alive".

The Living Bible has an interesting take on Ephesians 6:4 "And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful."

Be loving and gentle with your children to avoid crushing their spirit.

Please consider this... "57 % of Trans Youth with unsupportive parents have attempted suicide compared to 4% of Trans Youth with supportive parents. Source: Trans Student Educational Resources - Support for Trans Youth Infographic

I think you can be supportive without encouraging your child to transition. But I also must say that transition is not the unpardonable sin as some Christians believe.

You might want to look into the story of David Weekley. (I don't know him other than what I've read.) A few years ago, after decades as a minister he revealed that he is a transman.

I just came across Davids latest blog post about Leelah. It may help you understand your own situation better... Reflection On A Brief, Authentic Life | Believe Out Loud

Another blog post I recommend to learn more about David... Coming Out Of The Wilderness & Into The City | Believe Out Loud

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you for the information JenniMatts. We love our daughter so much and will always lover regardless of who she decides to be. I'll check out that article.

 

[sickntired771]

I can't imagine how hard it is on a parent but it's even incredibly harder on the child who is very distraught since who they feel on the inside (gender) doesn't match with their physical sex.

The trans suicide numbers are alarming, the most important thing you can do is show love and support so they know they aren't alone in this struggle. I don't think reinforcing the female name, or saying beautiful daughter is the way since this will just make him feel more alienated from you for not understanding his gender identity.

I wish you the best of luck. There are so many sources of support out there for parents with trans children and many christian sources too so I hope you will all get to a good place.

 

[StephanieSomer]

Cute Tink, I'm so glad that you have entered the discussion. I'm also very happy to see that you participate in a Christian forum so those of us who are unsure about what being transgender means can understand a bit more. We will love our daughter regardless of who she is, who she feels she should be or who she becomes. We only worry that she may have a difficult road ahead of her as our world isn't so accepting of differences. No one wants to see their child suffer. And that goes for suffering because she isn't allowed to be who she feels she really is. Or, it could also be that she has other issues that need to be dealt with first. Anyhow, thank you for joining the conversation.

Cute Tink has good advice for you. And, she isn't the only trans person here. There are several of us, and all of us would be more than happy to help you to understand what may be going on with your daughter.

Your statement earlier that "none of this surfaced until last Oct." may be true from your perspective. But, if your daughter is truly trans, she's known it for a long time. I realized I had a problem when I was 3, even though I was not yet able to articulate it or even fully understand. MOST transsexuals realize the existence of their issue at a very early age. So, don't think this is something new. And, if it HAS been going on for so long, odds are that it will NOT simply pass as one counselor told you.

My own advice is to not rely on a single therapist; at least 2, or even 3 would be better. Including a "Christian" therapist is not a bad idea. You need all perspectives to be able to understand what's going on. Therapists are people too, with their own ideas and opinions. Scripture says that "in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom". I realize therapy isn't cheap. Neither is your child.

In terms of your family dynamics, you and your husband need education, education, and education. If you fail to make the effort to understand this issue as fully as possible you will have great difficulty in holding your child's trust. Without that trust, the relationship isn't going to be of much help, and could actually be damaging to your child. You need to study, and study hard the Scripture and the science behind the issue to be in a frame of mind to be helpful to your daughter. Do these things, and your daughter won't be like the poor child who recently died.

Just prepare yourselves that things may not go as you would like them to. If they do not, keep in mind God's statement that "your thoughts are not my thoughts, and your ways are not my ways." I AM a Christian. I dearly love my Lord more than I could ever describe. And I am also transsexual, and in transition. I am firmly persuaded from the Scripture and God's own Spirit that my transition is not out of His will. So, don't be too quick to judge your daughter's direction.

If you have any further concerns or questions please don't stumble around in the dark. ASK! There are several of us here for you.

 

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you so much Steph- I really appreciate your offer of help and your insight. I will have questions so please don't go far.

 

[Cute Tink]

Thank you so much Steph- I really appreciate your offer of help and your insight. I will have questions so please don't go far.

Stephanie and I tend to get involved whenever we can with topics about trans issues. We will be around. You can feel free to PM me as well if you have questions you don't want to ask publicly.