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moving in together?

Discussion in 'Engagement and Wedding' started by Snowy, Oct 2, 2004.

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  1. Snowy

    Snowy Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

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    not sayign I'm even thinkign about this..but just want to know what others think.

    whats wrong with an enagaged couple moving in together before they marry...if they sleep in different bedrooms?


    jsut so they can get used to each other and each other's habits?
     
  2. Melbelle

    Melbelle Loving my life!

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    What is wrong is that the temptation is there, yes you can be tempted even not living together but liveing together is asking for trouble.
     
  3. LiberatedChick

    LiberatedChick Contributor

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    I think that's it's wise if folks at least move out of their parents home and into a place of their own before marriage. Then moving in with your husband once married won't be such of a shock to the system as you've already gotton used to standing on your own two feet and taking care of yourself. I moved in with my husband when we were still engaged and we did have sex before marriage...neither of us were Christian at the time though and so it was not an issue for us. I became Christian after our marriage and I don't regret the pre-marital sex at all because everything worked out fine and we tied the knot. If, for whatever reason, we hadn't have got married then I would have regretted it. I agree with sethsmommy that the temptation will be very strong if you move in together...I've been there and experienced it albeit I wasn't a Christian at the time. So whilst I don't advise that you move in together before marriage it will pay off if you move into your own place (or share a place with some other girls even) so that you get a taster of the responsibilities involved and get used to them. Then once you're married you've only got to deal with getting used to living with your new husband rather than getting used to living with your husband AND getting used to living without your parents.
     
  4. ps34_18

    ps34_18 Randomly Thinking

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    good advice starelda...

    to echo them, there isn't technically anything wrong per se with moving in together, but it is setting yourself up for a lot of temptation. When you live with someone you spend a lot of time alone, and I know from experience that time alone with a significant other can quickly lead to problems.
     
  5. 97trsgl

    97trsgl Colonel Sanders

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    I'm waiting til after I am married
     
  6. Sascha Fitzpatrick

    Sascha Fitzpatrick New Member

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    Hey Snowy,

    First of all, let me just say, I understand the whole entire reasoning - on the surface, it's a sensible idea. Get rid of all those hassles moving in together has (learning how each other live 24/7, coping with being a permanent dweller of the house together, learning how each other work domestically, etc etc) before the marriage starts - in some ways this DOES solve a lot of the dramas newly marrieds all have - I just have to look at a secular newly marrieds forum to see how true that is!

    However, you have to understand the temptation you are getting yourself into. I am nowhere near getting married, but my flatmate has become my boyfriend. All of a sudden, what seemed pretty easy (and pretty sensible), has become a major conflict in my heart. I WANT to stay pure, I WANT to keep everything above board (especially when I am leadership in a church), but living together has upped the temptation factor more than I expected (I thought, won't be any different, we've lived together for 2 years without it being a major hassle, it won't change now)... ha ha ha.

    Do you know how easy it is to think, oh I could just cuddle up in bed with him for a little while, before I move to my bed? Oh, ok so I'm in my pyjamas, not that revealing (do you know how much a pair of pyjamas actually reveals - quite a bit, especially since I doubt you go to bed wearing a bra!), not that much of a deal? Oh, he's/she's in the shower - that can be a huge temptation, believe it or not. I've managed to keep out and keep dressed since we started dating, but EESH - I would never have thought of these extra temptations happening.

    I know a lot of people who would say these temptations happen even when you don't live together, but think of having the temptation there EVERY day of the week, not just the day you see him. It is a constant battle between what is 'almost but not quite ok' (ie cuddling up in bed when you are about to go to your bed/wake up in the morning, wandering around in your pyjamas, racing around in a towel to pick up the towel in the linen cupboard you use for your hair that you forgot when you were going for your shower, etc etc) and what is 'completely above board' (waiting til immediately before bed to get changed into your pyjamas, getting ALL your stuff ready before shower, getting straight from your bed to the lounge, without saying good morning to him, etc etc).

    Some of that stuff I said up there might sound a bit ridiculous, but believe me - they are temptations I've found, and had to fight through, and it's respect thing for my boyfriend - if I'm so determined not to have sex before we are married, then I shouldn't be doing anything that causes him temptation and 'desire' to have it...

    I know this was a hypothetical thing for you Snowy, but those reasons up there are reasons I'm wanting to move out - I'm not even going to get into what it shows others in our church, especially those younger or more impressionable than myself.

    The problem I'm having now is finding a new home, with or without flatmates. I'm being pretty strict about it - I don't want a flatmate that might tempt me to sin with my boyfriend. I've even had to ve-to a Christian girl because her idea of what a boyfriend can and can't do with you is different to my idea! :sigh:

    Sasch
     
  7. LadyBird

    LadyBird Dance Me to the End of Love

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    More like, what isn't wrong with the situation.

    You are not married and you living with the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    You're playing house...acting like a married couple without actually being married.

    The temptation will most likely be a lot worse.

    You could cause others to stumble.

    And people most likely will get the wrong idea, even if you are not having sex and are sleeping in seperate rooms...I don't think many people would believe that.


    If you date long enough, this eliminates the need to live together to see what your S.O's living habits are like. You will know each other well enough that you won't have to shack up.

    I am all for people moving out of their mommy and daddy's house and living on their own before they get married just so they can learn more about themselves and so that they become more independant.
     
  8. sculpturegirl

    sculpturegirl New Member

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    As Christians we are called to live holy lives and to avoid even the appearence of evil. (1Th 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.)

    To many you may be the only Christian they know. It is important to live a life that is above repraoch. Let no one say anything bad about you. Do not mar your reputation. Do not cause your weaker brothers to stumble.

    No one will believe that you two are not sleeping together, and with all of that temptation you will likely not be ble to withstand itm I know I couldn't,

    Encouragement, my dear! God calls us to live holy lives and empowers us, by His Holy Spirit to do so.
     
  9. Cright

    Cright Veteran

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    John and I will have our WHOLE lives to "get used to each other and each other's habits" no need to move in early to get pratice! It's part of the fun of being newlywed's! Don't take away those precious married moments.

    Hugs,
    Carina
     
  10. Maeyken

    Maeyken Senior Veteran

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    If people are going to live together, why don't they just get married? My bf's brother and sister-in-law wanted to both move into their house at the same time, but she needed a new place a couple months before he did, and a couple months before the (planned) wedding. So, they had a small ceremony with parents and siblings, were married, and moved in together to start their married life. Then, a couple months later, they had their "wedding". They had the church ceremony with friends and family, and they had the reception. My bf's mother said it was the least stressful wedding she's ever been to! They just had a lot of fun. Anyway, back to my original point... what's the point in moving in together before marriage? To me, it just doesn't make any sense! If you know you want to marry the person, why not now instead of later? (as you can probably tell, I am also an advocate for short engagements!)
     
  11. LiberatedChick

    LiberatedChick Contributor

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    My husband and I moved in together before we got married. At the time we were engaged, no wedding planned, not enough money to plan one and both non-Christians. Hence living together before marriage wasn't an issue for us. We were both living at our parents houses before moving in together and we couldn't afford to get places by ourselves and neither did we want to. Our parents were driving us crazy and it was just time to fly the nest...so we did. Two years later we'd saved for our wedding, we'd figured that since we were only going to do this once in our lives me might as well take the time and effort to make it a once in a lifetime experience for us. After 9-10 months of planning and booking things we got married. The reasons for it though will be different for everyone and the situations that those reasons were based on will be different for everyone.
     
  12. *heidi*

    *heidi* Member

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    You can move out from living with someone, but you can't move out of a marriage. I think it's to do with the "try before you buy" concept. Personally, I'm for doing things in the order God intended. I cannot understand why people would want to start things off on a poor note.
     
  13. LiberatedChick

    LiberatedChick Contributor

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    For some people yes this may be the case...but not all. I think many non-Christian couples see moving in together as just a natural progression of the relationship or at least they do in the UK. I can't speak for anywhere else but here it's viewed as a natural next step in a relationship. Here it's common for people to be girlfriend/boyfriend for a while, move in together, then one of them pops the question and then they get married. In a Christian relationship though it is not advisable since the temptation for sex before marriage would be huge.
     
  14. sunshinejennii

    sunshinejennii Pierced, Purple, Hippy, Happy, Laughing Lass

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    There are other ways to get to know each others habits and things before you marry.

    A young couple came to univeristy engaged at 18, they'v started attending our church. The first year they lived in halls but now they've moved out and our living in houses just down the road from each other. They spend time together like they will when they are married but actually live apart and therefore sleep apart. Because both the houses are single sex chrisitan houses it was easy for them to set a no-bedroom rule. yeah i know stuff can still happen but because there is always someone else in whatever house they are in they can hang out and nothing happens. so one of them will be watching tv and the other one is working in a different room but by doing this and eating together they know what living together will be like.
     
  15. im1sweetlilangel

    im1sweetlilangel New Member

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    I agree with doing things in the order which God intended. There are many ways to know your fiances habits and such. I know my fiance to the T. When i am married then we will live together. its part of how special it all is. Experiencing all the other new things. The excitment and joy. I want to be married coming back from my honeymoon and have him carry me through the door like tradition. I want it to be a new thing going to bed at night and sleeping in the same bed. waking up in the morning and having it be a new thing, and thinking to myself that i waited til marriage. I say if you are going to move in together then you should get married. Because if you get engaged then you should be ready to be married, such as you get engaged then plan on your wedding date. You can get married in Gods eyes and not have it cost a fortune. you can get married in Gods eyes and have it cost barely nothing. I am.
     
  16. laura-ann

    laura-ann jonno's girl

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    As much as I cant wait to move in once Im married, the more I feel I have grown as a christian the more I feel it would be so, so wrong to do so without being married. Like someone said, we have our whole lives to enjoy together why rush it now. In our situation more than likely my fiance will be moving out of his house a couple of weeks before we get married or whenever we find our first flat so that we can decorate it etc, and I will still be at home - it is going to be so fun coming to a new house with him for the first time! All by ourselves!! Im so excited :)
     
  17. Bowling Pin

    Bowling Pin New Member

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    My fiance and I are moving in together this month. We feel there is nothing wrong with it, it isn't un-Christian or a sin. We are getting married about 50 days after we start sharing our apartment. We are not rich people, we live in a very expensive city, and our leases are up and we cannot afford to maintain our new place and a 2nd one.

    We prayed about it and we know that God is blessing our union and it would be a very bad misuse of our resources to waste over $2000 dollars just so we can be old fashioned.

    We are thrilled to live together, we are so ready!:) We are not moving in together as a trial run or because we're afraid of the commitment of marriage--we are just being financially responsible and practical.
     
  18. sculpturegirl

    sculpturegirl New Member

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    I don't think that it is a matter of being old fashioned as much as it is living an upright Christian life. You could always go to the JP before you live together and have a ceremony later.
     
  19. Bowling Pin

    Bowling Pin New Member

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    I think we are living an upright Christian life. I think it is very legalistic to go to a JP and get "married" before we have it in a church just to conform to a societal norm. Interpret the bible in whatever manner you see fit, but there is no black and white admonition against engaged couples living together in there. It is all based on cultural interpretations over time. We are being honest, devoted to each other, very active in our church, and it is really not anyone's responsibility or right to tell us what to do within our relationship. Our own pastor said she knows us and knows we're serious and no one should have a problem with our living arrangements. We are adults and we made our decision prayerfully.
     
  20. sunshinejennii

    sunshinejennii Pierced, Purple, Hippy, Happy, Laughing Lass

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    I THINK all sculpture girl was trying to say (correct me if im wrong!) was that your use of the term 'old-fashioned' was probably a little incorrect. A LOT of people still hold the view that living together before marriage isn't ideal. Obviously in your specific situation it has been approached prayerfully, its a practical response to a situation and 50days isn't long. Enjoy your wedding day!
     
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