Mental Illness

[mtwyo]

Hi, newbie here but really hoping to gain insight advice and prayer. Sorry this is long.

My wife of 7 years and I have been struggling for a while now. She was diagnosed with depression almost 20 years ago, and I knew this going in to our marriage.

After our first child was born the post-pardom depression got really bad, suicidal bad. Her mother, stayed with us for several weeks, at my request to help with the baby and get things straight. I thank God I have the mother in law i have, a wonderful woman whom I feel closer to than my own mother.


Intimacy has always been a problem in our relationship, she has a very low drive, often a side effect of the anti depressants and depression. She has also had hormone problems, IE, her cycle will last for weeks. We had a heck of a time getting pregnant and keeping the child.

We then had a second born, unexpected but not unwanted, we got pregnant the first time we did it after the first was born 8 month later(February of 2013). We were the .01% that birth control failed. After that we had not been intimate until this last summer, she would assist me but nothing else, she grew more depressed and I grew agitated.We went to counseling with our pastor, and I go to see him on my own often, he has really become a mentor for me. As things progressed they seemed to be getting worse, over Christmas week I was ready to through in the towel

My wife has a very short fuse, often flying off the handle for seemingly minor things, she has been violent, hit me with a car, slaps me, threatens me with all kind of terrible things, tells the children she hates them (lucky they are only 1 and 2) , etc. Then doesn't remember doing these things. I, in my heart now this is not her but an illness, and have treated it as such. And tried to do what I can to get her help, leaving and taking the kids is not an option, do to the femi-Nazi, who runs the Family services here, the kids would be with her alone with out me around. She has never been violet with the kids but they don't need to be yelled at.
I vowed to care for her in sickness and health, and see this no different than if she had diabetes. But going at this alone has been a challenge.

Normally when her folks visit, she is happy and calm, this past week she showed them the "dark" side, and with help from her mom we were able to convince her to get help, we got her to the family Dr, Monday the 29th and he was able to get her to a psychiatrist immediately(Wednesday the 31st). We were to the point of intervention, the psychiatrist is trying to control the depression and anxiety, and OCD, things in her mind have to be perfect. but has not ruled out bi-polar as of yet. They changed her meds, and put her on Xanax, twice a day until she is off the old med and fully on the new stuff.

What a difference, Normally she is so high strung we are up at 6 and I go to bed around midnight finishing chores to keep her from getting angry, she would go to bed around 9. so far, since that first xanax dose two days ago I haven't been yelled at, this is the longest stretch since before children. As i said intimacy has always been and issue, Thursday morning she, was in the mood, and calm, then she made the family breakfast, and we did nothing unnecessary, she worked on a little arts and crafts project, something she hasn't done in years, and I played with the boys, we all went to lunch. It was like what I thought having a family should be like. I'm not letting my guard down yet, but she texted me after I left for work telling me she loved me and thanked me for getting her the help, she has never texted me "I love you"

Thanks for listing and please keep me in your prayers,

MT

 

[Inkachu]

Mtwyo, what a roller coaster you've been on! I agree that you should not let your guard down just yet; this has been happening for 20 years, and while Xanax may force your wife's body to chill out and be more calm, it's only a band-aid on whatever underlying issues have caused the mental illness that she's been suffering all these years. I hope she can find a good, long-term therapist who can help her dig down and peel back the layers of her life, and find out where this all started, and how she can begin recovery.

 

[LinkH]

If I were in your situation, I might try to find someone who is gifted in in deliverance ministry, or at least healing.

 

[Odetta]

I am 46 years old, married 17.5 years, with two boys, ages 13 and 11. And about 5 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. Before that I was misdiagnosed in my early 30s with depression. My mental illness started when I was in my teens. So I know a bit about living with mental illness and the impact it can have on my family. And I can tell you, the proper medication makes a world of difference.

I'm all for praying for miraculous healing (as defined by having no more of the illness) in any ill-health situation - and I've seen it happen - but please keep in mind that just because you pray for it doesn't mean God is going to give it. He's not a vending machine. He is sovereign. He can and does definitely heal (again as defined as having no more illness), but to think that He HAS to heal just because you ask can lead to some really bad negative thinking if He doesn't, things like maybe you just aren't praying hard enough or confessing your sin enough (all legalism), or can even lead to a loss of faith. I just mention that because I spent a lot of years praying and thinking that way, which just made my symptoms worse. I could have gotten professional help sooner if I'd listened to what God was trying to tell me, instead of just trying to get Him to listen to me.

In my book, the fact that my medication is working like it's supposed to, I consider myself delivered from my illness, which is good enough for me.

In terms of medication, it can take a while to find the right stuff. I was very blessed in that the first meds worked, with one minor tweak of an additional med within a few months of the first two. For some people it can take several tries of different meds to got to the right one or the right combination of several. If this is the case for your wife, please do not lose heart. It sounds like you have a doctor that is on top of things, and that is a blessing for you.

Also, I mention this next part because I experienced it. Initial relief from symptoms from getting the proper diagnosis and the right medications can be euphoric, but that is temporary. I kind of see that in your wife, based on what you shared of her recent behavior. For myself, after the euphoria went away, I spent a period of time being angry with God, upset that I had a life-long illness, why did he burden me with this, etc. It took some time for me to come to terms with things, and it very definitely affected my walk with God. I am so thankful that God is patient and meets me where I am. Perhaps your wife will skip this phase - I hope so, it's not fun. But I wanted to mentioned it so that you have a heads up if you see this in her.

Please keep us posted so that I know how to pray for you and your family.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

If I were in your situation, I might try to find someone who is gifted in in deliverance ministry, or at least healing.

Sounds to me like they are already started on that road. Prayers for the OP.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Tough situation. God be with you and yours.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I've dealt with mental illness my entire life. Not myself per se, but family and loved ones. Most recently, my wife had dealt with some very serious depression related to an extremely difficult medical condition. When I say "depression" I mean that she struggled with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis during the worst of it. Obviously, this was a major concern for me...as my work responsibilities required me to be out of the house for roughly 50 hours a week, and we live very far from any sort of family or friends to keep her company. I was resistant to the idea of her taking drugs because I knew the depression to be caused by her medical problems. It's not as if it were some aspect of her personality or her past that she needed to work through...it was the result of being in agony every waking moment. To me, she had a legitimate reason to be depressed...but I didn't want to lose my wife either.

I relented to the doctor's advice and she began taking a mood altering medication that was also a pain suppressor. Like your wife, I had noticed a difference in her mood within probably the first 48 hours. She was acting much like her old self. She would continue to take this medication for the next two months before calling it quits. Now, we had read the list of potential side effects and we knew that starting or stopping this medication could cause mood swings...including suicidal thoughts. We both figured that since she was already suicidal before taking it...what was the worst that could happen?

It was basically like a living nightmare. She was ten times worse on the first three days coming off that medication than she ever was before taking it. She had the shakes, muscle twitches, the inability to focus her eyes, hallucinations, and probably the worst depression imaginable. She described it as feeling like the world was ending...only worse. I had to stay home with her that week to care for her. Luckily, she had only been taking it for two months...so after about 4-5 days it seemed all out of her system. It's hard for me to accurately express though, just how bad this was.

The reason I'm sharing this is to help give you an idea what to expect if your wife ends up stopping these meds at some point. Also, you need to make sure she has and takes her meds as prescribed. It can only take a day of missing them or not being able to get them before she's in big big trouble. I hope it's something that if you ever have to deal with...you're prepared for. I wish you the best of luck and hope she continues her recovery.

 

[Ana the Ist]

D p

 

[mtwyo]

She had a huge fall both Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday we got a babysitter, and had a date night, every thing went really well, until..
We got home, paid the baby sitter, and got ready for bed. She asked me "Are you hoping to get lucky? I should have know it was a baited question, but figured we had a good evening, so I said, "sure, i'd like to" and she exploded saying I don't respect her and can't read her body language. Granted I probably can't read her body language but, why ask me, had she said something like I know you want to but I'm just to tired, it would have been left at that. I only wonder what she would have said no I don't want to, would she have gone in to a rage accusing me of thinking she ugly or something?

Then yesterday morning she wanted it, I was very cautious but proceeded and we had a good day, then evening rolls around and she started getting angry with the kids and decided I didn't support her, and screaming at me witch turned into a two year old mimicking her and making the situation worse. And a two year old scared of his mommy.

 

[ValleyGal]

I hope your wife is going for therapy, and maybe even parenting skills classes. Between the two, maybe she will learn to regulate her emotions and respond differently to them especially with her children. No child should grow up afraid of parents. Living in that kind of fear is traumatic for children, and it will affect them all their lives....but this can be minimized by your wife going for therapy and making changes in how she responds to her emotions. If your children live in persistent fear, then it becomes a child welfare issue... even if they are "femiNazi."

 

[DZoolander]

Personally, I wouldn't be able to deal with that type of thing. It would be one thing if it was just me - but if there were kids involved - they take precedence over her (IMHO). In my eyes, there's a hierarchy to relationships. Kids trump spouse, spouse (conditionally) trumps you.

If I found myself in a position where I thought the spouse was unhealthy to the well being of my children - she'd have to go. I'd wish her all the best - hope she found the right medication/etc - but I would not put my children's well being into the shaky hands of someone that might forget a day and then become an unpredictable tyrant to them again.

But that's just me.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

She had a huge fall both Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday we got a babysitter, and had a date night, every thing went really well, until..
We got home, paid the baby sitter, and got ready for bed. She asked me "Are you hoping to get lucky? I should have know it was a baited question, but figured we had a good evening, so I said, "sure, i'd like to" and she exploded saying I don't respect her and can't read her body language. Granted I probably can't read her body language but, why ask me, had she said something like I know you want to but I'm just to tired, it would have been left at that. I only wonder what she would have said no I don't want to, would she have gone in to a rage accusing me of thinking she ugly or something?

Then yesterday morning she wanted it, I was very cautious but proceeded and we had a good day, then evening rolls around and she started getting angry with the kids and decided I didn't support her, and screaming at me witch turned into a two year old mimicking her and making the situation worse. And a two year old scared of his mommy.

All of this (the mood changes) is information the Dr. will need to know. If you can get an urgent appointment, do it. Meds might need to be adjusted if there are is an urgent need for it. For sure there is a need for intervention, especially with everyone at risk. She sounds to be at a stabilisation point in her treatment, but is not there yet. Praying for everyone concerned.

 

[Odetta]

It can take a while for medication to stabilize. It can even take a while to find the right medication. You and your wife need to be in constant contact with her doctor as you work through this. It's a process, not a light switch, unfortunately.

That being said, if the children are ever in danger, then arrangements should be made to protect them.

 

[mtwyo]

deleted

 

[mtwyo]

I finally was able to talk to her doc yesterday, and they are going to make a "random" follow up phone call, and get her on lithium or abilify, if she will come clean as to what has been going on. Then to top it all off she started her cycle, the hormone birth control, taken primarily for hormone imbalance was suppose to eliminate the monthly cycle but it didn't, so some of the recent stuff may be a factor of PMS.
Living in a small town can be a good thing, the pharmacist called me before I had talked to the doc, to check on everything with her and the new meds, I explained to him what was going on so he was going to see what our insurance would cover and let the Dr know, that is service.

 

[Inkachu]

Hang in there, Mtwyo... as others say, stay in constant contact with her doctor as well as the pharmacist about everything. Also, I don't recall if you've answered to whether she's in counseling or not? You can't just "cure" depression with drugs. There's an underlying cause that needs to be addressed, and often therapy in cooperation with medication is required. Drugs should never be viewed as a lifelong cure-all for depression, they should be used as a last resort, and only until the person can function without them (granted, it may take years, but that should still be the goal).

 

[mtwyo]

Hang in there, Mtwyo... as others say, stay in constant contact with her doctor as well as the pharmacist about everything. Also, I don't recall if you've answered to whether she's in counseling or not? You can't just "cure" depression with drugs. There's an underlying cause that needs to be addressed, and often therapy in cooperation with medication is required. Drugs should never be viewed as a lifelong cure-all for depression, they should be used as a last resort, and only until the person can function without them (granted, it may take years, but that should still be the goal).

she is very resistant to the idea of counseling, but I'm afraid if some of this stuff doesn't stop it means hospitalization, the Dr said if there is not significant improvement in two weeks that they will take more drastic measures, and I'm not sure what is meant by drastic measures.

 

[DZoolander]

The laws of what they can/will do generally differ from state to state.

 

[DZoolander]

For example - I grew up in California. My dad had been married to a woman prior to my mom that began to exhibit schizophrenic tendencies after giving birth to their first child.

The situation got progressively worse. She began to seal off the house when he was at work by putting blankets on the windows, called his friends making wild accusations about this or that, and (in retrospect) he believed that she started slowly poisoning their child (she inexplicably would get violently ill as a baby).

Finally - one night when he was asleep she attacked him with a frying pan. Thankfully he wasn't fully asleep and heard her approaching - happened to open his eyes - and caught her mid-swing with an old style heavy iron skillet aimed at his head.

There was quite the commotion as he wrestled her to the ground - the police came - and she was institutionalized. Immediately after she was gone - the baby got better - and didn't get sick again.

A couple of years later - she started to show progress - so they released her into my dad's care again. Immediately she got pregnant again - and immediately the same behaviors came back. The state took control of her again and put her back into a home where she remained institutionalized for a number of years (during which my dad divorced her).

The 70's came - and Reagan became governor of California and cut funding to all the state institutions/etc...so she was just simply released. My sister/her daughter was in college at the time - and took pity on her/gave her a place to stay. After she set fire to the building my sister was living in - she just kinda disappeared one day...but would reappear in my sister's life every couple of years to bring some new drama or other into it until the day she died.

So - like I said - what "drastic measures" means is contingent upon the individual state and it's laws. Some probably will institutionalize if they find that there's sufficient risk to the family...some might do other things. Who knows?

 

[Inkachu]

Ezoo, what a sad story