Macho Married Men

[Hetta]

I've always thought this was kind of a rude question which not-so-subtly implies said person doesn't belong here. This may be a Christian forum, but it is open to and encourages people of all faiths to join and participate so any non-Christians participation is not inappropriate or unexpected. Besides which, concern of marriage and faith isn't limited to just Christians and despite a difference in faith, there is a lot of commonality in values.

Having a good marriage, wanting to share about your marriage, offer advice, or brag on your spouse is not an exclusively Christian desire or mindset.

Well said. I didn't read TW's response before I posted, and she puts it far better than me.

 

[Hetta]

In those circumstances, I would hope that my husband would firmly put those men in their place. No, I wouldn't want him to give explicit details of our marriage/sex life, but there would be nothing wrong in him saying that theirs was not his experience of marriage, and/or reminding that they should talk about their wives with respect, and that it might actually improve their marriages if they treated their wives with more respect and love.

 

[Inkachu]

I for one am glad that Ana posts here. We have no shortage of Christian input in the married couples forum, and it's good to have a fresh voice. I also think it is good that people are getting a marital perspective from a non-Christian, because it seems that many of us don't get much of that IRL. It's also not against the rules for him to post here. So.

Agreed. Anytime I can have a pleasant, respectful, positive conversation with a non-believer, I'm all for it. They're people just like us, after all Not some strange breed of alien that we can't relate to.

 

[mkgal1]

Frankly, I'd like to see it change. I'd like to be able to tell "the guys" that I had a good time this weekend taking my wife out to buy some new shoes without being laughed at.

In thinking more about this.......some groups we just can't share things with (beyond the superficial stuff......void of our opinions/emotions/desires). This may be one of them. To just get their twisted humor to stop, I think, would be great progress (and that may happen from the responses you've been giving them already).

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Your not alone Ana The 1st. I got asked if I was gay once because I don't act like a typical macho man. Talking about sex, sexy women, sports, beer...etc. Even more so when I say I hate machoism. Its why for most of my life I have had more female friends then male ones.

I overheard my uncle saying to my other uncle (both are married) he enjoyed the playboy magazine the other one had. My uncle responses "Yeah, I love these issues I saved. THe women in this have nice **** like <aunts name) does. Its why I married her!". UGH. I wanted to grab them by their gonads and throw them into the sun. LOL Sorry if thats extreme.

So many I talk to simply view women as pieces of meat or trophies. Even christian men can do it. I can't tell you how many "christian" mens computers I have fixed and I so some snooping and they are looking at inappropriate content or sexy pictures of woman or messing others guys about their wifes "rockin' body". Even a pastor!

Don't even get me started on the old men that marry the young women in my wifes country and "show them off". >.<

Agreed. Anytime I can have a pleasant, respectful, positive conversation with a non-believer, I'm all for it. They're people just like us, after all Not some strange breed of alien that we can't relate to.

I did notice he was atheist but I have no problem with him. We are all humans after all. Although I do realize the topic will be shutdown of course because of the rules.

 

[mkgal1]

Although I do realize the topic will be shutdown of course because of the rules.

What rule is being violated?

 

[Ana the Ist]

Not to redirect the thread too much, but as for the wives on here, what exactly do you prefer your husbands to say in the OP's situation?

I was thinking about it, and personally, I wouldn't want him to gush about our marriage. To be perfectly honest, we have a really great marriage and have for a long time. But I kind of consider that personal, you know? It's one thing to talk about marriage on an anonymous forum. That's a fitting place to discuss marriage, brag or complain about a spouse. But in terms of what my husband shares with colleagues... honestly I'd prefer the humor. Obviously not the degrading level of humor the OP's coworkers share, but something light-hearted.

My husband once shared a conversation he had at work, in which he was sort of "gushing" about how I'd taken care of him during a recent illness. I know it was a compliment to me and came from a place of gratitude. But I feel weird having people know that. It's personal. And especially knowing that some people there are struggling with their marriages, how would it feel to hear that? I guess I just don't know that anything is gained. Now if he complained about something I did - even exaggerated - and there was a degree of real humor in it, that to me seems more appropriate to share. Maybe I'm just backwards.

This is a good point, and I'm a bit curious about it myself. I know how my wife feels, what she wouldn't want me to discuss and what she's comfortable with me sharing. There's a line she has and she doesn't want me crossing it...and the same goes for me. For example, if a coworker was talking about his marriage, complaining he doesn't get as much sex as he'd like...my wife wouldn't have any problem with me volunteering how often we have sex. However, she'd have a big problem if I were to go into details about her like "what she likes during sex or what turns her on and gets her in the mood" she would be mortified.

There are times when I brag on her, but it seems like I do it more to save face than anything. For example, a group of guys ask if I want to join them after work for drinks...I tell them that I'll be going home to hang out with my wife. Saying that would usually get a laugh from the guys or a weird look followed by them advising me that I could just tell her I'm working a little late (this happens fairly often at my work, extending a 12hr day to 15-16 happens a lot). In that situation I'd say something like, "sorry...I told her I'd play some Diablo 3 with her and she wanted to give me a backrub afterwards." Maybe that's not directly bragging...but you get the idea. I've had several coworkers' mouths drop open like the catch of the day when I tell them she's something of a gamer...she pretty much defies all the stereotypes associated with female gamers.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I'm still a little curious about the reason for an atheist posting in a Christian marriage forum in general. I belong to other forums besides this one. I've been on forums for parents, working moms, college students, creationists, and etiquette. Each of them reflected a lot of different backgrounds and opinions. But usually everyone posting had some tie to the forum. Forums for parents were frequented by parents or prospective parents, or occasionally someone with a question involving children in their lives. That's why they sought that forum. If that forum contained a thread about bikes, we'd never see posts from a childless bike enthusiast, because he wouldn't have been in the audience to begin with.

You're married, you seem to have a good marriage, and you can probably offer a lot of input on marriage. But... you didn't arrive here seeking a marriage forum, right? You had to have signed up for Christian forums specifically before you even found the Married Couples subforum. And I know there are lots of atheists who seek Christian forums, to understand or debate some social or scientific issue with a major demographic. But marriage isn't really one of those topics. So I'm a little confused why you specifically chose a Christian marriage forum to share on. Any marriage forum is bound to have a diversity of posters, both Christian, secular and many other faiths and creeds. I see this diversity on other forums. So you wouldn't need to come here for diversity.

I'm not criticizing. I'm just really curious what prompted you here. I guess it would be like me going to a Muslim marriage forum to exchange advice. I mean, I could. I think I have a great marriage and I'm sure some of them do too, so maybe we'd benefit. But I wouldn't be getting diversity really, just a very random audience. So... it seems more like I'd do that if I was an agnostic exploring Muslim beliefs and lifestyle specifically, or if I had an agenda there. Plus, to be honest, they probably went there specifically to get advice from other Muslims, and would have joined a more general marriage forum if they wanted to read diverse opinions.

Aha! I'm afraid I didn't understand the question before, so forgive me. No, I didn't come here seeking a marriage forum. I typically lurk and post in the Philosophy, Ethics/Morality, Politics, and Current Events areas. I simply enjoy those types of "deep" topics and conversations. It's just a fun way to pass the time during lulls at work.

However, once you've been in those areas long enough the threads become less and less original and more commonplace. I got a little bored there so I looked around at some of the other topics that aren't "christian only" and since I feel like I have plenty to share/say on the topics of marriage and relationships in general...I decided to check it out. No hidden ulterior motives here I'm afraid lol.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I for one am glad that Ana posts here. We have no shortage of Christian input in the married couples forum, and it's good to have a fresh voice. I also think it is good that people are getting a marital perspective from a non-Christian, because it seems that many of us don't get much of that IRL. It's also not against the rules for him to post here. So.

Thank you thank you...

For the record though, I didn't take any offense to the question...it seemed she posted it out of curiosity more than anything else. I'm not going to debate any aspects of christianity here...nor will I go into any great detail about my personal beliefs regarding non-marriage topics. However, I'd gladly answer any questions about how my beliefs (atheistic, ethical, moral, or just personal) as they regard to marriage.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Your not alone Ana The 1st. I got asked if I was gay once because I don't act like a typical macho man. Talking about sex, sexy women, sports, beer...etc. Even more so when I say I hate machoism. Its why for most of my life I have had more female friends then male ones.

I overheard my uncle saying to my other uncle (both are married) he enjoyed the playboy magazine the other one had. My uncle responses "Yeah, I love these issues I saved. THe women in this have nice **** like <aunts name) does. Its why I married her!". UGH. I wanted to grab them by their gonads and throw them into the sun. LOL Sorry if thats extreme.

So many I talk to simply view women as pieces of meat or trophies. Even christian men can do it. I can't tell you how many "christian" mens computers I have fixed and I so some snooping and they are looking at inappropriate content or sexy pictures of woman or messing others guys about their wifes "rockin' body". Even a pastor!

Don't even get me started on the old men that marry the young women in my wifes country and "show them off". >.<


I did notice he was atheist but I have no problem with him. We are all humans after all. Although I do realize the topic will be shutdown of course because of the rules.

lol I can tell this really bothers you...

With the exception of the third example I gave in the OP, I can't really think of a coworker who angered me with what he said about his wife. It's their wife, their marriage...if they want to verbally trash them...it's their choice. What gets under my skin is the subtle implications that I must feel the same way about my wife...or that my situation must an similar. A lot of times it seems they don't even realize it's insulting. A generic example would be something like this....

"Man, I can't stand it when I get home and my wife doesn't have dinner ready (or "asks me to take out the trash" or "tells me she didn't get the laundry done cuz her head hurts" or "starts asking me about my day before I even get my shoes off"). All I want to do is sit down with a beer and watch ESPN but I always have to deal with that b-word! You know what I mean?!!"

If the guy left off the "You know what I mean?!?"...I would probably say, "wow.. that's a shame man, sounds tough." Even though I don't really think that...that's the sort of tactfully vague reply he would get from me. However, with the inclusion of "You know what I mean?!!" I would reply with, "No...I don't get what you mean. I don't have that problem." said with enough change in tone to let him know I'm not joking at all.

It's more of an annoyance, a pet peeve, or a "button" that gets pushed rather than something that could cause me to lose my temper.

Thanks for the response though...glad to know others see/deal with it too.

 

[seeingeyes]

With the exception of the third example I gave in the OP, I can't really think of a coworker who angered me with what he said about his wife. It's their wife, their marriage...if they want to verbally trash them...it's their choice.

This is how I feel about it, too. Though there have been rather extreme cases in which I've said, "Well, you're the idiot who married him/her." Why is it that so few realize that trashing your spouse is the same as trashing yourself?

 

[Ana the Ist]

This is how I feel about it, too. Though there have been rather extreme cases in which I've said, "Well, you're the idiot who married him/her." Why is it that so few realize that trashing your spouse is the same as trashing yourself?

IMO, it's because they haven't ever really accepted the idea that their spouse is a part of their life. Instead, they look at their spouse as an accessory to their life. My sister-in-law is one of those....and she isn't even married yet. She has a fiance now, but when she was single if you asked her what she wanted in a husband...it was a pretty simple list. She wanted a tall guy with male-model looks, he had to be wealthy...like a Dr or lawyer, and he had to have a nice car. I wish I was joking. There's a lot of words you can use to describe her. Shallow. Gold-digger. User. In the time I've known her, she has dated two lawyers, a male model, and some multi-millionaire who was about 15 years her senior. They all treated her awful...all of these relationships ended quickly.

Now she's engaged to a cop, they've bought a house together, he's bought her a big ring...he buys her all kinds of stuff. Whenever my wife asks her what she loves about this guy, she gives her a list of things he's bought for her. She talks about her things...not what a great guy he is or what's so wonderful about him. My wife and I feel bad for him, he seems nice enough, but we know that once his money runs out so will her interest. It won't matter if they're married or not. I think everyone knows a woman who's this way, but most guys know at least a few guys the same way. They may not be after purchasing power, but they compare how much work she does around the house, how much money she brings in, the size of her breasts, etc etc. It's as if their spouse is a possession and they compare theirs to everyone else's to determine how successful they are.

 

[seeingeyes]

IMO, it's because they haven't ever really accepted the idea that their spouse is a part of their life. Instead, they look at their spouse as an accessory to their life. My sister-in-law is one of those....and she isn't even married yet. She has a fiance now, but when she was single if you asked her what she wanted in a husband...it was a pretty simple list. She wanted a tall guy with male-model looks, he had to be wealthy...like a Dr or lawyer, and he had to have a nice car. I wish I was joking. There's a lot of words you can use to describe her. Shallow. Gold-digger. User. In the time I've known her, she has dated two lawyers, a male model, and some multi-millionaire who was about 15 years her senior. They all treated her awful...all of these relationships ended quickly.

Now she's engaged to a cop, they've bought a house together, he's bought her a big ring...he buys her all kinds of stuff. Whenever my wife asks her what she loves about this guy, she gives her a list of things he's bought for her. She talks about her things...not what a great guy he is or what's so wonderful about him. My wife and I feel bad for him, he seems nice enough, but we know that once his money runs out so will her interest. It won't matter if they're married or not. I think everyone knows a woman who's this way, but most guys know at least a few guys the same way. They may not be after purchasing power, but they compare how much work she does around the house, how much money she brings in, the size of her breasts, etc etc. It's as if their spouse is a possession and they compare theirs to everyone else's to determine how successful they are.

Yeah, I know a few like this. I really only feel bad when someone with a soul marries someone without one. That's a lesson learned the hard way, for sure.

 

[akmom]

I for one am glad that Ana posts here. We have no shortage of Christian input in the married couples forum, and it's good to have a fresh voice. I also think it is good that people are getting a marital perspective from a non-Christian, because it seems that many of us don't get much of that IRL. It's also not against the rules for him to post here. So.

I haven't been offended by Ana either. It's kind of nice to have all the new topics. I guess I have a different background than most CF posters, because most of my IRL friends and peers are not Christian. Even most of the other forums I'm on have more of an academic crowd, mostly secular input. There is the occasional Christian voice, often attacked relentlessly for it, and then a general hostility toward Christianity in general. It doesn't really bother me most of the time, because I like to discuss topics, not "sides." But CF is like the one place I can go where I can actually hear just the Christian perspective - where biblical authority is a given, where I don't have to justify my beliefs, where I can trust that the advice at least intends to promote Christian values.

There was recently a poster in the Parenting section who went there to mock Christian parenting for the purpose of "diversity," and I guess that's what prompted me to realize that there are some places diversity actually doesn't belong. But of course this is not directed at Ana, nor Ana's conduct on the forums. It just made me curious how he got here, and the explanation he gave answered that for me just fine.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Diversity is one of those things that belongs everywhere...

 

[Lollerskates]

.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Not according to most people in the world...

Well that is unfortunate for them, but it's nonetheless still true.

 

[mkgal1]

Diversity is one of those things that belongs everywhere...

True.

A bit of an aside comment, I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but this thread has been one of the most amiable ones that CF married section has had since......uh....forever.

 

[Inkachu]

Quick, everyone knock on wood!

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Oftentimes the biggest tough talkers are the dudes who are the most whipped - and I'm talking shared-Facebook-accounts levels of whipped. But all in all I would chalk it up to nothing more than a case of "guy jokes". Women joke like this too.