Love Languages, Loneliness, and self-harm thoughts: a bit of help

[linux.poet]

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

Recently, I’ve had to help a couple of friends with self-harm and suicidal ideation, and after dealing with some self-harm thoughts battering my brain over touch deprivation for the past couple of days, it’s given me a window into loneliness and what causes these thoughts.

The thing is, I don’t think that being surrounded by enemies is a cure for loneliness. They might be a convenient target for your feelings of violence and a distraction from your internal pain, but I don’t think they make you feel less lonely. It’s definitely true for my friend, who tells me “Every day I see you is great, and every day I don’t see you sucks.” This person isn’t clingy and demanding more meetings, but just stating facts.

That left me to think more about this. Usually how we distinguish between enemies and friends is our love languages: people who meet our love language needs. People who spend time with us, who do things for us, who hug us and so on. If I think about myself, I need to spend time with people almost every day, even if it’s only online, otherwise I feel deprived and disconnected. This could explain the suicides that seem to come out of nowhere, like a recent pastor’s wife suicide in my community.

Someone who has an unmet love language need (like my unmet need for a hug) the temptation is to beat yourself up for having that need. Look! Everyone else around you loves you (using their love language, not yours)! Why are you so ungrateful? Self-harm thoughts lead to self-harm actions, when it’s just a need that the people around you aren’t meeting. Perhaps you just need to communicate your need to your people, or if you need someone new in your life to meet the need, find someone who will meet it.

The key, I think, is to look for love language needs that aren’t being met. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be wary of manipulators who threaten suicide on people just to try and push them around, but that we should try for those who are genuinely in pain. The application for this advice I believe is most applicable is for the reader who may be suffering from self-harm thoughts: what love language needs are not being met in your life, and who can you call upon to meet them?

 

[Emptyvessel]

Regarding love languages, a giver will seek to speak your love language, a taker will expect you to speak theirs. Choose your circle of friends wisely. Believers of Christ choose to serve like Jesus does.

Regarding loneliness, being with friends, even with true friends, you can still feel lonely. Yet, on the other hand, some can be alone yet not lonely. So, you see, what fill your days matter. Some stuff will not fill you. Not money, not material, not number of people, not even love. It is a mission to walk the days on this earth till we meet His face. Focus on it and be fulfilled that way. Then, we have a meaning here. That said, Jesus is a loner in some way.

 

[Faith over Fear]

Recently, I’ve had to help a couple of friends with self-harm and suicidal ideation, and after dealing with some self-harm thoughts battering my brain over touch deprivation for the past couple of days, it’s given me a window into loneliness and what causes these thoughts.

The thing is, I don’t think that being surrounded by enemies is a cure for loneliness. They might be a convenient target for your feelings of violence and a distraction from your internal pain, but I don’t think they make you feel less lonely. It’s definitely true for my friend, who tells me “Every day I see you is great, and every day I don’t see you sucks.” This person isn’t clingy and demanding more meetings, but just stating facts.

That left me to think more about this. Usually how we distinguish between enemies and friends is our love languages: people who meet our love language needs. People who spend time with us, who do things for us, who hug us and so on. If I think about myself, I need to spend time with people almost every day, even if it’s only online, otherwise I feel deprived and disconnected. This could explain the suicides that seem to come out of nowhere, like a recent pastor’s wife suicide in my community.

Someone who has an unmet love language need (like my unmet need for a hug) the temptation is to beat yourself up for having that need. Look! Everyone else around you loves you (using their love language, not yours)! Why are you so ungrateful? Self-harm thoughts lead to self-harm actions, when it’s just a need that the people around you aren’t meeting. Perhaps you just need to communicate your need to your people, or if you need someone new in your life to meet the need, find someone who will meet it.

The key, I think, is to look for love language needs that aren’t being met. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be wary of manipulators who threaten suicide on people just to try and push them around, but that we should try for those who are genuinely in pain. The application for this advice I believe is most applicable is for the reader who may be suffering from self-harm thoughts: what love language needs are not being met in your life, and who can you call upon to meet them?

Amen