Hi,
I was raised in a charismatic family/church where God and Christianity played a big role in our lives. My sister and I were brought up in a way of understanding our religion as to the difference between wrong and right, and each one of us having an individual relationship with God. I would say that we were somewhat pressurised into living this lifestyle as kids, and since every child undergoes some or other form of rebelliousness, I think the pressure that we were undergoing played part in what I am today.
At the age of 16 I was so to speak released into the big world by starting a part time job at a restaurant and was only then really introduced to the lifestyle of those who weren't living the gospel, which is round about the time that I turned rebel. Throughout my schooling years, I was always obedient because I never wanted to be any disappointment to my parents. My father and I never really got along very well, however my mother had the most amazing individual relationship with every one of us, and was also the core of keeping the rest of us, including my father, focussed on God. I will be 26 this year, and I don't think that I've ever changed back to what I would call my roots. Most of my life has been hidden away from my family because I know what disappointment it would bring to them. I have experimented with drugs like most other teenagers would. Ive gone drinking and partying with friends since the age of 16. Im a regular smoker and social drinker. Today I believe that I am a drug addict (based on the fact that I've been using nasal ingested chemicals for the past 3 weeks non-stop), and have been living in the drug world for over 7 to 8 years. Ive been around the chemicals that I use today, for the past 2 years. It's never been a problem, it was for fun, but I think what's triggered it was my mother's death on the 1st of November 2002. Amongst my family, I was the only one who took her passing away as well as I did. I didnt really understand it at the time, and my sister kept on asking why I am not going through as much emotions as them. Fact is that Ive been ignoring it, because I suddenly felt that my mother could now see the type of person I have turned into. We all loved her with a passion. I remember a conversation I recently had with my sister, and I told her that if our mother had to be given back to us now, I can see her (my sister) running towards my mother with open arms and in tears. If I were in that same room, I would not know where to look and would probably want to get away from her. I have not dealt with the grief for the past year and a half, but because of my regular drug habits, Ive become extremely emotional, insecure, depressed and alone. Due to this, Ive been playing songs of my mother singing (My father is a drummer who owns and runs a Recording Studio for a living), and viewing pictures from the past, and realised something very interesting about how all of this is falling into place.
My father, sister and myself were always encouraged by my mother to be the Christians that we were. My mother knew that I werent living the correct lifestyle, but she didnt know about how bad it really was. She always wanted me to start going to church again, and just to keep her happy; I would join her at church occasionally when I visited. My father would dwell off the road once in a while, and then my mom would get him back on the right path again. He always said that you dont need to go to church to be a Christian. My sister also turned rebel in her day, we used to socialise together at nightclubs and pubs, but today she has a happy family, and theyre not living the perfect Christian lifestyle, but theyre living a good life. In conclusion, God knew that aside from my mother, we werent living our lives the way that he would have wanted us to. After my mothers death, my dad has willingly turned into a complete Christian. Goes to church every day, and leads the church band and maintains the sound equipment and quality. After reading an email from him earlier today, he told me that he was playing a drum solo in church that was so much influenced by God, that he lost complete control. The last time that happened was in 1989 when he was drumming in a church of over 4000 members; his body couldnt handle it and he passed out due to heart problems he had suffered since the age of 29. My sister is showing signs of wanting to walk the path my mother walked her whole life, and want to work on her relationship with God. Im sure I dont need to spell it out here, but God has taken something very precious from all of us, in order to take control of our lives. A year and a half later, I am starting to hurt very much about my mothers passing away, and I dont know how to deal with it. The rest of my family still undergoes the occasional soreness, but theyre over most of it. None of them know about my drug habits, which is why I would never run to a family member. I need to be surrounded by the right people, to start to enjoy that lifestyle, and work on my relationship with God. I dont know how to get to God by myself. Ive been away from him for almost 10 years. I cant stop drugging, I cant stop smoking. I tend to get myself drunk almost every night on top of that, just to fall asleep on the chemicals that Ive taken, and at least be in some acceptable frame of mind to handle work the next day. My life is slowly but surely collapsing on me, and even though I know what I should do, I dont know how.
The reason that I've come here is to look for guidance, and perhaps prayer, even though I have a fair understanding of what I've been taught as a child, I find myself clueless and no where to turn to. I don't have any Christian friends or connections. I have a very introvert personality, which makes it difficult for me to stand and speak up. I dont believe that a narcotics anonymous system would be the right way, and I dont think psychology is the right way either. I believe that turning back to my roots and God is the right way, but once again I dont know how. I would personally prefer some Christian counsellor (one on one discussion) to help me work through my issues, but do not know how to approach a church and/or its leaders without being scared away.
Perhaps you could advise the direction I should take.
My apologies for the long message, but there was quite a bit to tell.
