Is this a potential problem?

[MERCY@GRACE]

my two cents...based on some past expereince..
I disagree with a lot of you, sex, frequency of sex in a marriage is a HUGE thing I beleive! Don't get me wrong, loving your spouse, being kind, etc, etc, is paramount but you can't discount the importance of frequency of sex in a marriage and two people being compatable in that arena. I think that part of life shows up in how affectionate your significnt other is in dating.
I have been divorced about 3 years and I can tell you from expereince that sex wasn't the main issue that broke us up (there were many...) but it was a big one. Ladies...seriously, if you have a man that really loves you, thinks you are beautiful and desires you in a sexual way, and you spurn a fair amount of his advances, how do you think that makes him feel?
Like a worthless, undesirable piece of trash...trust me, I know from experience. We men just don't want sex for the sake of sex, speaking from my own expereince, it's intimacy to us. A way to express it and a way to give it. I think the whole notion that "only love counts" and frequency of sex doesn't is very naive and dangerous. It's like Dr. Dobson says...when the sex is good, it's 10% or the marriage, when it's bad it's 90%. I just think the christian community at large doesn't want to address the issue of "sexual compatability" because it us uncomfortable and seems inappropriate to talk about.
I disagree with this notion..it NEEDS to be talked about otherwise one or both people end up feeling frustrated and feeling worthless...
Of course that's just my opinion...I could be wrong...

I Think your post offered some balance to this thread, and I must say hubby shares the same views!

 

[TheListener]

Speaking only for myself, at age 53, a nice hot homecooked roast is fine, but it doesn't hold a candle to nice hot homcooked sex with my husband.

I withdraw my comment.

 

[GirlieGirl]

If you marry a woman who loves Jesus passionately, she'll put your needs including sex at a high priority because it's how God would have a wife to act.

So you just gotta be a real stand up Christian guy who will attract such a high quality Christian gal. There's the tough part.

 

[jazzbird]

my two cents...based on some past expereince..
I disagree with a lot of you, sex, frequency of sex in a marriage is a HUGE thing I beleive! Don't get me wrong, loving your spouse, being kind, etc, etc, is paramount but you can't discount the importance of frequency of sex in a marriage and two people being compatable in that arena. I think that part of life shows up in how affectionate your significnt other is in dating.
I have been divorced about 3 years and I can tell you from expereince that sex wasn't the main issue that broke us up (there were many...) but it was a big one. Ladies...seriously, if you have a man that really loves you, thinks you are beautiful and desires you in a sexual way, and you spurn a fair amount of his advances, how do you think that makes him feel?
Like a worthless, undesirable piece of trash...trust me, I know from experience. We men just don't want sex for the sake of sex, speaking from my own expereince, it's intimacy to us. A way to express it and a way to give it. I think the whole notion that "only love counts" and frequency of sex doesn't is very naive and dangerous. It's like Dr. Dobson says...when the sex is good, it's 10% or the marriage, when it's bad it's 90%. I just think the christian community at large doesn't want to address the issue of "sexual compatability" because it us uncomfortable and seems inappropriate to talk about.
I disagree with this notion..it NEEDS to be talked about otherwise one or both people end up feeling frustrated and feeling worthless...
Of course that's just my opinion...I could be wrong...

I think this is very important. We struggled with frequency in the beginning, and I was the one that was actually feeling turned away. I agree that it can cause huge problems when one spouse starts feeling rejected, which leads to feelings of inadequacy. I can say that it is very disheartening. I guess from my experience I have learned that if the couple is striving to be God honoring and honoring to each other, the frequency issue can work itself out. Perhaps that is a bit naive, but if both parties truly are seeking the happiness of the other, I think it's going to work. Sure there are times when someone with a very low drive is paired with someone with an unusually high drive, but I think most couples fall more to the middle of the spectrum.

My concern over the worries expressed in the OP is that there seems to be this general idea in our society that married women don't like sex - it's a chore and the less the better. I think that is what a lot of young guys think (obviously, I'm a woman so I could very well be wrong). But if a man intends to enter marriage as a virgin, I can see how this fear could be blown out of proportion. Obviously he's been waiting for this for some time.....what if his bride isn't that interested? What if they only have sex once a week....or less? The thing is, I don't think it has to be an issue, and I think we get a lot of wrong impressions about the roles men and women play in the bedroom. I don't know...just thinking out loud I guess.

 

[mlukas]

I think this is very important. We struggled with frequency in the beginning, and I was the one that was actually feeling turned away. I agree that it can cause huge problems when one spouse starts feeling rejected, which leads to feelings of inadequacy. I can say that it is very disheartening. I guess from my experience I have learned that if the couple is striving to be God honoring and honoring to each other, the frequency issue can work itself out. Perhaps that is a bit naive, but if both parties truly are seeking the happiness of the other, I think it's going to work. Sure there are times when someone with a very low drive is paired with someone with an unusually high drive, but I think most couples fall more to the middle of the spectrum.

My concern over the worries expressed in the OP is that there seems to be this general idea in our society that married women don't like sex - it's a chore and the less the better. I think that is what a lot of young guys think (obviously, I'm a woman so I could very well be wrong). But if a man intends to enter marriage as a virgin, I can see how this fear could be blown out of proportion. Obviously he's been waiting for this for some time.....what if his bride isn't that interested? What if they only have sex once a week....or less? The thing is, I don't think it has to be an issue, and I think we get a lot of wrong impressions about the roles men and women play in the bedroom. I don't know...just thinking out loud I guess.

I agree, that is the perception of most unmarried people, but I also come at it from someone who was married and I know that things like that can be devastating to someone. But I also think that that notion has somewhat been suported by some (not all!) comments on this thread.
Just for everyones info..I am getting married to my fiance at the end of December! I love her dearly and, you can bet your life, one of the things I looked at and we have discussed is the issue of sex, frequency, etc..
Fortunatly, my girl has a really high sex drivehttp
But again, it IS something we discussed once things started getting serious.
Her phiilosophy (and I quote, seriously, I'm not making this up!) is that "if you have time to brush your teeth, you have time for sex." I'm just thinking out loud to a lot of the comments about time constraints, etc. It doesn't always have to be some bg production, like I think the common misconception in Christandom are. It's a man and wife loving each other, it doesn'tt always require a bed full or rose petals and hours of foreplay...
Anyway, just a few thoughts...not solely my own, some of it is Dr. Laura influenced...

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I agree, that is the perception of most unmarried people, but I also come at it from someone who was married and I know that things like that can be devastating to someone. But I also think that that notion has somewhat been suported by some (not all!) comments on this thread.
Just for everyones info..I am getting married to my fiance at the end of December! I love her dearly and, you can bet your life, one of the things I looked at and we have discussed is the issue of sex, frequency, etc..
Fortunatly, my girl has a really high sex drivehttp
But again, it IS something we discussed once things started getting serious.
Her phiilosophy (and I quote, seriously, I'm not making this up!) is that "if you have time to brush your teeth, you have time for sex." I'm just thinking out loud to a lot of the comments about time constraints, etc. It doesn't always have to be some bg production, like I think the common misconception in Christandom are. It's a man and wife loving each other, it doesn'tt always require a bed full or rose petals and hours of foreplay...
Anyway, just a few thoughts...not solely my own, some of it is Dr. Laura influenced...

Congrats on your upcoming wedding Is your fiance a christian also?

 

[mlukas]

Thanks And, yes, she is!

 

[Nanee5]

LOL

Been there done that left it in the past & now trying to fix up the wreckage mate, sorry if I misunderstood you. I just didn't want someone going down the road I did when I could at least say what I think about it.

Get the book "Sheet Music" & "The 5 love languages". Just do a google search on them. They are the 2 best books you can read while you are engaged.

And please don't take premarital sex lightly. It causes more problems than it solves and is just disobedience to God.

God Bless.

I agree,, I got caught up in the whole, "I'm gonna marry him anyway,, it's ok!" Scheme of satan. God protected me in my stupidity though...

Oh,, there is a book called "The Act of Marriage".. excellent book by Tim and Beverly LaHaye

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I think it's damaging to think we're going to be completely sexually compatible with the person we marry.

It sets you up for a fall - not one person is ever COMPLETELY compatible sexually with another partner - and that's what, I believe is half the fun of learning about each other's sexual needs/desires.

Maybe I just speak from naivety (I have had sex before, but there were never problems with desires or anything), but I don't expect my FH and I to be absolutely positively 100% sexually compatible with each other (from our talks, we so aren't! and that's fine with me!), and it worries me to hear people say they expect to be completely compatible with their partners day in and day out - especially from the first time.

I'll talk about this more, once I'm married, and thereby don't feel stupid for talking about how I feel about sexuality, before I'm even married!

Sasch

 

[stonehands]

You know, after reading a lot of these replies it got me thinking when was the last time I turned my wife down for sex? The only time I can think of is when I was deathly ill and felt like I was going to vomit any minute. I was wondering if any of you women have had there husband turn you down for sex, and if any of you men have ever rejected your wife's advances for sex?

 

[Egghead]

When you find the right person, most of the time even if they arent in the mood, they will understand that sex is ALSO a PHYSICAL need with men at least, and will help you out even then.

With my wife even in our circumstances (a very rare and peculiar one) she is most helpful in this department and any time I ask her, if she is physically capable of doing so, she helps.

You arent going to find anyone ever who wants sex exactly when you do, or just as much as you do.
Some women want it more than men do....some want it much, much less.

The thing is marrying a very caring person who you can talk to openly so she can understand how you feel and be there when you need her to even when she may not be in the mood.

My wife asks me everyday, in the mood or not, if she can take care of that for me.
I ask my wife everyday, if there is anything she needs from me....anything, be it physical or emotional.

One thing for sure, if you want her to be giving in this department, then you had better be ready to give to her in every other department.

One sure fire way to make a woman not care much for your needs is to ignore HER needs

Okay, I have a question. As men and women we are created with sexual desires. Some people have stronger desires than others, right? Now one thing that has me paranoid is when I do get married, what if my wife does not have the same sexual intensity as I do? Can this cause problems? Obviously having sex before marriage is not an option for me and her (even though a lot of couples do have pre-marital sex to see if they are compatable in that area)

Also, can it ever be appropriate to talk about sexual desires between two unmarried people? If not, what about if engaged? See sex is a huge part of marriage (at least it will be for me) and I want to make sure that on top of every other wonderful thing about my lovely lady sex will be something to get extremely excited about. I want my sex life to be rich with lots of variations and I want to please her sexually in every way I can just as she will do the same for me.

 

[EmSchmem]

I too disagree with a lot of the posts on here. I think sex is a pretty big deal but then I don't see it as "just sex" Sexual intimacy is a source of companionship, fun, joy, affection, comfort, healing, tension release, and about a million other things. I wholeheartedly disagree with just accepting not having time for sexual intimacy. It is entirely important to come to some sort of frequency agreement based on the drives of each in the marriage and the chapter in life you find yourself. It is of upmost importance that there is time set aside for sexual intimacy in all marriages (save for those who may be healing from either sexual abuse or sexual infidelity fo a period of time). Now does that mean taht for all the years we are married that it's number one our the list? No, but it is important. Bliz was right, no two couples are just automatically sexually compatible. Sexual intimacy is hard work, a lot of communication, a good bit of failure, and a LOT LOT LOT of joy when God blesses a couple with victory. My husband and I are almost never on the same wave length when it comes to the how much and the when. I could go into labor anytime and want to fit as much as possible in before we have to take a medical hiatus. HE however is exhausted from his new job with more hours, more responsibility and a lot to learn. It's probably going to be a rough go for a while but it is only one chapter in our life and we'll get past it and onto the next chapter.

 

[IrishGob]

I am MLukas's fiance' And YOU BET we talked about sex. I think is is really, terribly naive to just assume that you will be sexually compatible just because you are Christians and you "did the right thing" by waiting. I have seen to many couples (YES, Christian couples) fight over this issue.

I'm digging what alot of you women have to say on this thread, however, I am so sick and tired of hearing some women whine about how tired they are and how they don't have the energy after working, or a day with the kids, blah, blah, BLAH! GET OVER IT! Your husband is working his tail off all day too. I feel so sorry for these guys. No wonder so many men have issues with inappropriate content. DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU ALL START SHOOTING ME DOWN: I DO NOT CONDONE the use of inappropriate content. HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side. You can make excuses and say, "Well if he REALLY loved me, he'd understand that I'm tired" and "He shouldn't be tempted, etc, etc ..."

Well ladies, how about an analogy for you - Some of you are, or have been on diets - right? What happens when you go a long time without chocolate? Or carbs? Or soda? Or whatever else you love and CRAVE ? .... You do the math. And sex is MUCH more exciting and wonderful that any of that stuff!!

Seriously though, if you are tired, WAKE UP! I mean, really, how long will it take? You can't take 20 minutes out of your night for the man who loves and adores you? When I get married, I hope to have sex every night! Perhaps I've got a suprecharged sex drive, but even if I didn't, I'd be considerate enough to please my husband if I was tired. And, I know he'd do the same for me. Don't have time? MAKE TIME! Shower together at night or in the morning and make that a sexy, scrubby fun event ;-)


You women know who I'm talking about: ENOUGH with the lame excuses. JUST DO IT! ;-)

 

[Autumnleaf]

I am MLukas's fiance' And YOU BET we talked about sex. I think is is really, terribly naive to just assume that you will be seually compatible. I have seen to many couples (YES, Christian couples) fight over this issue. I'mm digging what alot of you women have to say on this thread, however, I am so sick and tired of hearing some women whine about how tired they are and how they don't have the energy after working, or a day with the kids, blah, blah, BLAH! GET OVER IT! Your husband is working his tail off all day too. I feel so sorry for these guys. No wonder so many men have issues with inappropriate content. DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU ALL START SHOOTING ME DOWN: I DO NOT CONDONE the use of inappropriate content. HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side. You can make excuses and say, "Well if he REALLY loved me, he'd understand that I'm tired" and "He shouldn't be tempted, etc, etc ..." Well ladies, how about an analogy for you - Some of you are, or have been on diets - right? What happens when you go a long time without chocolate? Or carbs? Or soda? Or whatever you love? .... You do the math. And sex is MUCH more exciting and wonderful that any of that stuff!! Seriously though, if you are tired, WAKE UP! I mean, really, how long will it take? You can't take 20 minutes out of your night for the man who loves and adores you? When I get married, I hope to have sex every night! Perhaps I've got a suprecharged sex drive, but even if I didn't, I'd be considerate enough to please my husband if I was tired. And, I know he'd do the same for me. Don't have time? MAKE TIME! Shower together at night or in the morning and make that a sexy, scrubby fun event ;-) Women: ENOUGH with the lame excuses.

MLukas, you lucky guy! Why can't so many women understand this relatively simple concept.

 

[EmSchmem]

MLukas, you lucky guy! Why can't so many women understand this relatively simple concept.

Becuase all too often, the man who is tired from working all day sits down in front of a TV while his wife continues to work. Still taking care of the kids, still working on dinner, still cleaning up. He has rested, hasn't paid a lick of attention to her and can't get why she's not rearing and ready to go. He probably also didn't get up so soothe or feed any kids in the middle of the night so he's working on a full nights sleep.
No not all men are like this. In fact I know plenty who aren't My husband would never dream of this which is why we have a pretty full sex life. He also understands that especially in the beginnning of my pregnancy after a days work and my part of the housework I in fact was too tired. Just as I understand right now with the job change he's sometimes just too tired. It's interesting that an unmarried person is making a judgment call about the sex lives of married people. It's not just setting aside 20 minutes as sex is not just about laying down and giving your body to someone. Sex is intimacy and true intimacy takes more than 20 minutes most of it psyching up, cleaning up, and relaxing before the actual event.

 

[gracefaith]

This may be a bit late to add, but if one spouse continually and habitually rejects the other's advances, chances are it has less to do with sex drive and energy than it does with something else going wrong in the marriage. I mean, if a man has been cold and inattentive to his wife's emotional needs or otherwise not doing his job elsewhere in the marriage, he shouldn't be surprised if she's not in the mood when he asks. Does he then have the right to say that she's to blame when he turns to inappropriate content or another woman? I don't think so.

 

[EmSchmem]

This may be a bit late to add, but if one spouse continually and habitually rejects the other's advances, chances are it has less to do with sex drive and energy than it does with something else going wrong in the marriage. I mean, if a man has been cold and inattentive to his wife's emotional needs or otherwise not doing his job elsewhere in the marriage, he shouldn't be surprised if she's not in the mood when he asks. Does he then have the right to say that she's to blame when he turns to inappropriate content or another woman? I don't think so.

Bravo!!!

 

[IrishGob]

I knew it - here come the excuses. See what I mean?

 

[IrishGob]

It's interesting that an unmarried person is making a judgment call about the sex lives of married people. It's not just setting aside 20 minutes as sex is not just about laying down and giving your body to someone. Sex is intimacy and true intimacy takes more than 20 minutes most of it psyching up, cleaning up, and relaxing before the actual event.

Typical.

And remember, I'm 40 - not a kid, but someone with experience.

 

[EmSchmem]

I knew it - here come the excuses. See what I mean?

Could you do us all a favor and just be a tad bit more rude? From what I know from the women on here, we rise to the occassion most of the time. ANd it's not just rising to the occassion, it is genral desire for our spouses. Also it's not just women who make the "excuses" you so "knowledgably" speak of. Yet it's only the women who get blamed. I would love to see how you respond after a year or more of real married life sets in. After the arguments, after the honeymoon phase, after morning sickness and kid sickness, and the million other things that married (NOT ENGAGED) life is really about. I wonder what your "excuses" will be. You know SOOOOO much don't you? If you only knew how much you have to learn.