Is this a potential problem?

[EmSchmem]

Typical.

And remember, I'm 40 - not a kid, but someone with experience.

Married experience? Successful married experience?

 

[IrishGob]

Could you do us all a favor and just be a tad bit more rude? From what I know from the women on here, we rise to the occassion most of the time. ANd it's not just rising to the occassion, it is genral desire for our spouses. Also it's not just women who make the "excuses" you so "knowledgably" speak of. Yet it's only the women who get blamed. I would love to see how you respond after a year or more of real married life sets in. After the arguments, after the honeymoon phase, after morning sickness and kid sickness, and the million other things that married (NOT ENGAGED) life is really about. I wonder what your "excuses" will be. You know SOOOOO much don't you? If you only knew how much you have to learn.

You sound defensive, did I strike a nerve?

Please realize that I am talking about woman who are in the habit of turning away their husbands more often than not. Or did you not read that part of my post? Also, how do you know I haven't been married? Did you ask, or are you just assuming? I think YOU are the one who has alot to learn. I am 40 and have much more experience than you do, and that is what I am basing my posts on. That and conversations with others. I'm not a 20-something virgin who is coming here spouting off with no facts to back me up. I'm just tired of hearing all the resons why women can't (WON'T) be intimate with their husbands, and are ALWAYS using excuses. I'm not talking about the women who occasionally are too tired, had a bad day etc.

 

[IrishGob]

Married experience? Successful married experience?

Does being a widow count?

 

[EmSchmem]

I re read your post to give you the benefit of the doubt and you only make generalizations, you say nothign about ALWAYS. And that being said there are PLENTY of women who get no attention from their husbands unless they "want some." Not only are they actually tired but they have NO true incentive coming from their husbands to do anything. I think I made it pretty clear that these were the women I spoke of. And you fire back with "here come the excuses" and see what I mean. You came off as a snide 12 year old so your 40 years of all of this vast experience doesn't show tons of maturity, frankly.. Yes you struck a nerve. It is responses like yours that help sex still be viewed as this thing women are duty bound to give to their husbands regardless of what went on that day or the state of their marriage.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

You know, after reading a lot of these replies it got me thinking when was the last time I turned my wife down for sex? The only time I can think of is when I was deathly ill and felt like I was going to vomit any minute. I was wondering if any of you women have had there husband turn you down for sex, and if any of you men have ever rejected your wife's advances for sex?

I thinks some men won't admit to turning their wife down for fear of being teased or ridiculed! I have a friend-her dh turned her down ALL the time-to the point she stopped initiating. They go a WHOLE yr and only have sex ONCE! Meanwhile he would tell all the guys at work that he was getting it on a reg basis, and talked about sex like any other red blooded American man would-but it was all deception. I know all this cuz dh would come home and tell me.....and I'd think "Oh reaaalllllly".....

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I am MLukas's fiance' And YOU BET we talked about sex. I think is is really, terribly naive to just assume that you will be sexually compatible just because you are Christians and you "did the right thing" by waiting. I have seen to many couples (YES, Christian couples) fight over this issue.

I'm digging what alot of you women have to say on this thread, however, I am so sick and tired of hearing some women whine about how tired they are and how they don't have the energy after working, or a day with the kids, blah, blah, BLAH! GET OVER IT! Your husband is working his tail off all day too. I feel so sorry for these guys. No wonder so many men have issues with porn. DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU ALL START SHOOTING ME DOWN: I DO NOT CONDONE the use of porn. HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side. You can make excuses and say, "Well if he REALLY loved me, he'd understand that I'm tired" and "He shouldn't be tempted, etc, etc ..."

Well ladies, how about an analogy for you - Some of you are, or have been on diets - right? What happens when you go a long time without chocolate? Or carbs? Or soda? Or whatever else you love and CRAVE ? .... You do the math. And sex is MUCH more exciting and wonderful that any of that stuff!!

Seriously though, if you are tired, WAKE UP! I mean, really, how long will it take? You can't take 20 minutes out of your night for the man who loves and adores you? When I get married, I hope to have sex every night! Perhaps I've got a suprecharged sex drive, but even if I didn't, I'd be considerate enough to please my husband if I was tired. And, I know he'd do the same for me. Don't have time? MAKE TIME! Shower together at night or in the morning and make that a sexy, scrubby fun event ;-)


You women know who I'm talking about: ENOUGH with the lame excuses. JUST DO IT! ;-)

Hey there. I have 6kids myself and have been married 10yrs, and I agree w/ what you said 100%. BUT the way you delivered your message....in an almost preaching/yelling style is going to cause ppl to be defensive. Hey-I'm pleasing my man, chasing him, him chasing me........and yet I still got defensive reading your post, and neither of us are denying one another-so it aint conviction

Congrats on your wedding tho

 

[EmSchmem]

we'd both have to be comatose to go a year. We're dreading the 4-6 weeks after the baby comes (which had better be REAL DARNED TOOTIN SOON!!!). It's funny that he was still talking about it though. Reminds me of the average teen boy theory: The amount of sex talked about is inversely proportionate to the amount of sex had.

 

[IrishGob]

I re read your post to give you the benefit of the doubt and you only make generalizations, you say nothign about ALWAYS. And that being said there are PLENTY of women who get no attention from their husbands unless they "want some." Not only are they actually tired but they have NO true incentive coming from their husbands to do anything. I think I made it pretty clear that these were the women I spoke of. And you fire back with "here come the excuses" and see what I mean. You came off as a snide 12 year old so your 40 years of all of this vast experience doesn't show tons of maturity, frankly.. Yes you struck a nerve. It is responses like yours that help sex still be viewed as this thing women are duty bound to give to their husbands regardless of what went on that day or the state of their marriage.

In my post, I said: "HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side."

I'm just telling it how I see it - that's what this forum is for, yes? Just because you disagree does not mean I am wrong - it does not mean that you are wrong. I am stating MY OPINION on what I have seen and heard and experienced. Your experiences may be very different.

You said: "And that being said there are PLENTY of women who get no attention from their husbands unless they "want some." Not only are they actually tired but they have NO true incentive coming from their husbands to do anything." I wonder whay they would pick a man like that to marry? Why do their husbands not have incentive? Maybe the wife has stopped caring about herself, let herself go? Maybe she nags him to death the minute he comes home from work? He feels overwhelmed? There are many reasons. and AGAIN, let me reiterate, these are from my experiences in speaking with men and women about these challenges.

 

[EmSchmem]

Hey there. I have 6kids myself and have been married 10yrs, and I agree w/ what you said 100%. BUT the way you delivered your message....in an almost preaching/yelling style is going to cause ppl to be defensive. Hey-I'm pleasing my man, chasing him, him chasing me........and yet I still got defensive reading your post, and neither of us are denying one another-so it aint conviction

Congrats on your wedding tho

Exactly. I miss chasing . Danged pregnant belly that is way too big to chase anything!

 

[IrishGob]

I agree w/ what you said 100%. BUT the way you delivered your message....in an almost preaching/yelling style is going to cause ppl to be defensive.

Sorry For that I apologize. Maybe I'm cranky because I have to wait 6 more months til I get to make love to my amazing fiance'

 

[IrishGob]

Exactly. I miss chasing . Danged pregnant belly that is way too big to chase anything!

Congrats on the pregnancy It will all be worth it

 

[EmSchmem]

In my post, I said: "HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side."

I'm just telling it how I see it - that's what this forum is for, yes? Just because you disagree does not mean I am wrong - it does not mean that you are wrong. I am stating MY OPINION on what I have seen and heard and experienced. Your experiences may be very different.

You said: "And that being said there are PLENTY of women who get no attention from their husbands unless they "want some." Not only are they actually tired but they have NO true incentive coming from their husbands to do anything." I wonder whay they would pick a man like that to marry? Why do their husbands not have incentive? Maybe the wife has stopped caring about herself, let herself go? Maybe she nags him to death the minute he comes home from work? He feels overwhelmed? There are many reasons. and AGAIN, let me reiterate, these are from my experiences in speaking with men and women about these challenges.

Opinions aren't wrong. Ways we choose to convey them can be. Why do you insist on it always being the woman's fault? Does it ever fall on the man? It's always what to woman is doing wrong.

 

[EmSchmem]

Congrats on the pregnancy It will all be worth it

That's what people keep telling me but if he doesn't get his butt out soon, I'm making like that woman in Mexico that took a shot of whiskey and gave herself a c-section. Little cowboy's drivin his mommy nuts. A whole 11 days of worthless contractions now.

 

[gracefaith]

I guess, I just have a hard time believing that there are many marriages out there that are actually busting up just over the frequency of sex. Surely, a suffering sex life is usually symptomatic of a more systemic problem in the marriage. It's not a simple as he's a jerk, she's a slob - a loss of regard and self-sacrifice lie at the heart of a far more complex disease infiltrating marriages in crisis.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Sorry For that I apologize. Maybe I'm cranky because I have to wait 6 more months til I get to make love to my amazing fiance'

No worries, I think you are just passionate on the topic, and got caught up in the moment (no pun intended )

Are you 2 long distance?

 

[Mom to 5]

I am MLukas's fiance' And YOU BET we talked about sex. I think is is really, terribly naive to just assume that you will be sexually compatible just because you are Christians and you "did the right thing" by waiting. I have seen to many couples (YES, Christian couples) fight over this issue.

I'm digging what alot of you women have to say on this thread, however, I am so sick and tired of hearing some women whine about how tired they are and how they don't have the energy after working, or a day with the kids, blah, blah, BLAH! GET OVER IT! Your husband is working his tail off all day too. I feel so sorry for these guys. No wonder so many men have issues with porn. DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU ALL START SHOOTING ME DOWN: I DO NOT CONDONE the use of porn. HOWEVER, when a man is turned away over and over and over ... some men have strong desires, and you women who are denying your husbands may be pushing him closer to the dark side. You can make excuses and say, "Well if he REALLY loved me, he'd understand that I'm tired" and "He shouldn't be tempted, etc, etc ..."

Well ladies, how about an analogy for you - Some of you are, or have been on diets - right? What happens when you go a long time without chocolate? Or carbs? Or soda? Or whatever else you love and CRAVE ? .... You do the math. And sex is MUCH more exciting and wonderful that any of that stuff!!

Seriously though, if you are tired, WAKE UP! I mean, really, how long will it take? You can't take 20 minutes out of your night for the man who loves and adores you? When I get married, I hope to have sex every night! Perhaps I've got a suprecharged sex drive, but even if I didn't, I'd be considerate enough to please my husband if I was tired. And, I know he'd do the same for me. Don't have time? MAKE TIME! Shower together at night or in the morning and make that a sexy, scrubby fun event ;-)


You women know who I'm talking about: ENOUGH with the lame excuses. JUST DO IT! ;-)

By the way. . .that goes for the MAN in the relationship too! I am the one who initiates right now in our marriage. . .and the one who gets the excuses. . .after I have made the effort (getting kids in bed and quiet, room clean and inviting, myself clean and inviting, spending time with him doing what he wants (computer game usually), making sure he had a good dinner and had time to relax after work, taking care of his physical needs (he has a bad back), etc etc. . .and I am the one getting turned down. It is so not only men who get rejected.

The fact of the matter is that BOTH husband and wife are supposed to be there for each other. BOTH need to be sensitive to the others needs. When I was the one doing the excuse making it would have been so easy to "win me over" with just a TAD bit of forethought. If my dh had come home from work and instead of "decompressing" in front of the tv or computer or in his bed until I finish dinner he would have actually asked what I needed help with THAT would have spoken volumes to me. I have always been honest with him about this too. The book "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" is so true.


Now that I am "on the otherside" I now have the job of making sure I am sensitive to him and his needs. If I am totally in the mood and he is not, then sometimes I just need to get over it and wait until morning or later. Neither one of us will die if we go a day or two without sex. Even though sometimes it feels like it. I have been tested a lot over the past year in regard to our sex life. I have gotten a small glimpse at how I treated by husband over the years when I was not interested in sex as much as he was. Now even he will admit that over the years when I was in that place I very rarely turned him down even when I was tired from taking care of the house and kids. But I hardly ever initiated either and that is important for men, that their wives show interest in sex not just a willingness to participate.

I guess I can jump off my soapbox now, huh? I hope I did not get too carried away. I have learned a lot this past year as I have embraced our sex life and sometimes I get a bit carried away when people generalize and assume things. . .


www.themarriagebed.com is an AWESOME website for married christians. It has lots of biblical advice on sex and imtimacy.

Dawn

 

[Mom to 5]

we'd both have to be comatose to go a year. We're dreading the 4-6 weeks after the baby comes (which had better be REAL DARNED TOOTIN SOON!!!). It's funny that he was still talking about it though. Reminds me of the average teen boy theory: The amount of sex talked about is inversely proportionate to the amount of sex had.

a great friend of mine who has 7 children and will be the first to admit that she could take or leave sex, surprised the HECK out of me when she told me that the first thing she did when she knew she was in labor with the last baby was tell her husband they should have sex first before they went to the hospital since it would be awhile since they could again! With my last 2 babies we did not wait until the 6 week check up. . .we waited about 2 weeks postpartum! I am not recommending that though!

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm cranky too. 38 weeks pregnant having contractions for 11 days now. Bright and cheery went out the window LONG ago.

 

[IrishGob]

Good points, all. And true, guys make excuses too, I was only commenting on the women. I have talked to a fair share of women who are denied because "the game's on" or because they are up til 2am trying to get to the next level of a video game. tsk, tsk. GUYS!! Your wife wants you - put he game away! ;-) I have a married friend who donned a cute cheerleaders outfit (pom poms and all) and did a strip for him at half time. Needless to say, he never watched the 2nd 1/2 of the game, but I'll bet he had a lot more fun.

And again, I'm sorry if I came across all preachy. I'll blame it on my Irishness.. Ireland is where Mark and I will be married by the way With a 2 week honeymoon there. We are so excited. I promise I'll come back nicer and less agitated ...

 

[Mom to 5]

I'm cranky too. 38 weeks pregnant having contractions for 11 days now. Bright and cheery went out the window LONG ago.

The last month is so hard anyway. . .11 days. . .WOW!!! Praying that everything goes well for you, Dad and baby!