Is it wrong to bring the past evils into a relationship?

[Cyax]

Ok well, to better say this heres a little background:

Spent most of my youth near a church community and got tried of the way most younger christian women were, and their expectations. After yet another built me up and shot me down. I begun to do lots of silly worldly things to try and find self satisfication, and I did find myself a worldly woman, Miranda was her name. We dated for a long time, got engaged. During this time there was no edification, only selfish desires, fornication, empty emotions. Eventually I broke the engagement because she cheated on me.

Four years ago since I have never attempted to date again.

I moved straight out of college so far away from home. Recently met this nice girl from a church community who also moved very far from home, and am looking to get serious now that I know what is to be expected through dating and my position as a man of Christ.

My question being: is it wrong to bring all my past evils and lay them upon her? The fact my virginity is lost and I cannot give her this.

 

[Nanopants]

As far as virginity is concerned? I don't think so. In fact, it's not even her business, unless that's something you want to share with her for some reason.

But, when you have some baggage that needs to be put in order before you get into a relationship, loading that on her just because you can't wait isn't the best move.

 

[avi8tor]

I most definitely would NOT bring it up initially. However your relationship with her may develop to the point where she may ask about it. Just be careful, it is a fragile situation. You want to be honest but the past is the past and sometimes it is best to leave it at that.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

Yeah, I've gotta go with the running theme as well... if you bring it up, kinda sounds like you're throwing it on her to fix; now, if it was brought up by her, I'd explain to her about why you think or have acted a certain way perhaps. Other than that, though, it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

[avi8tor]

Also don't make such a big deal about not being a virgin. Unless you're getting married straight out of high school, as opposed to going to college and starting a career first, chances are you will not find a virgin anyway. I'm just being straight up honest with you. Most people have someone in their past by the time they hit their 20s.

It's really sad the way the world looks at virginity:

If you are a guy and still a virgin, then you are an incompetent loser

If you are a girl and still a virgin, you can sell it for $5,000 on ebay

 

[Nom De Guerre]

lol, selling it on ebay... that happened, didn't it? Pretty sure I remember that story... didn't hear about any follow-up on it however.

 

[Rose of Eden]

Ok well, to better say this heres a little background:

Spent most of my youth near a church community and got tried of the way most younger christian women were, and their expectations. After yet another built me up and shot me down. I begun to do lots of silly worldly things to try and find self satisfication, and I did find myself a worldly woman, Miranda was her name. We dated for a long time, got engaged. During this time there was no edification, only selfish desires, fornication, empty emotions. Eventually I broke the engagement because she cheated on me.

Four years ago since I have never attempted to date again.

I moved straight out of college so far away from home. Recently met this nice girl from a church community who also moved very far from home, and am looking to get serious now that I know what is to be expected through dating and my position as a man of Christ.

My question being: is it wrong to bring all my past evils and lay them upon her? The fact my virginity is lost and I cannot give her this.

Okay first of all, you're still REALLY young! And if you say that it's been four years since your last "serious" relationship, then that means you were 18 (and younger) when all of these events you described occurred. You were young and the girls you knew back then were young too. (Just like how teenage boys are stupid and immature but then often grow out of it as they grow older, we young ladies are the same.) So first, forgive those who hurt you in the past and forgive yourself, because you are only human. And then remind yourself of Christ's love and mercy!

Personally, I believe that as a Christian, it's wise to take relationships (and potential relationships) rather slow. So really get to know this girl you're talking to now! And as far as bringing up your past, I think honesty is best! I personally believe that it is SO important to be able to be completely open, honest, and comfortable with someone you're dating (especially if you might end up marrying them one day! ) Even though it may not be easy, it'll be better in the long run to have a conversation about both of your pasts (because she has one too, everyone has a past) at some point, just not right away haha! Get to know her pretty well and then, when you're both feeling ready and comfortable to talk about it, have that conversation!

Best of luck to ya!

 

[avi8tor]

lol, selling it on ebay... that happened, didn't it? Pretty sure I remember that story... didn't hear about any follow-up on it however.

Yes it really happened, although I'm not sure if it was in the states since that might not be legal.

 

[Keri]

Honestly I prefer not to talk about my past with new relationships. One serious relationship, he didn't want to know any of it. He was okay with not knowing. And the ones who I did tell, ended up using it against me later on when they were angry. So now, I just tell them, "Yes, I have a past but it is in the past." Details are not necessary and I'd rather just focus on the future. The only exception to this would be if the individual withholding information has an STI. I do not, but if I did, I would inform them of course. So besides something like that, the past is in the past.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

Yes it really happened, although I'm not sure if it was in the states since that might not be legal.

Ah yes, people certainly are interesting

 

[Blank123]

this might be because i prefer to start relationships with friends, but i would want to know the good and the bad going into a relationship. with my ex, i knew about his past with sex and drugs, etc... before we even admitted our feelings to eachother. I never asked or even wanted to know the specifics about those things because i really didn't need to. The fact that he was open with me that he had a past... thats all i needed.

so be upfront with her, but don't feel like you have to tell her *everything*. There is such a thing as sharing too much.

 

[Cyax]

Thanks everybody, you're right. The past is the past. It wouldn't be something I bring up dilberately but it also isn't something I'd avoid. Its sad that I thought I had to find myself what I needed, when that should be the last thing I should be looking for when starting a relationship.

The woman of my dreams would be steadfast, and a faithful companion. With the Love that eminates from God, for one another, through absolution there will be peace and servitude.

Every bit of advise keeps pointing me back to hey you're a dummie, God is all that matters, he has pulled me through worse in the past. It saddens me that our culture is so wicked. Save the trees and kill the babies, forget the abundance of evidence that prooves the existance of true Love.

 

[Hadassah_]

I tell my future beaux I am a virigin. They usually like that.

Then I tell them my kids are too.

I have no clue why they run after that. Apparently they think I'm opressing them or something???

 

[Nanopants]

 

[twnsrkr]

I don't think there is any need in giving her a sob story until you guys are well acquainted. But don't hide your indiscretions from her indefinitely, as some here are suggesting you do. Marrying/dating a virgin may be important to her.

 

[Nanopants]

Sorry m8. I've got to disagree there. If virginity, a clean record, etc, is that important to her, then that really just shows how conditional her attachment and/or commitment is.

Marriage is tough, and things can happen which will really rock the boat. My question would be, is this relationship strong enough to weather the storms?

So there appears to be at least two different ways we are looking at the situation. On one hand, we might ask ourselves: is this person good enough to make this work? On the other, we may ask: is this relationship strong enough to overcome our weaknesses?

Granted, we shouldn't be fools and marry people who are already heading down a path of destruction, and their histories may give us clues about that, but obviously there's a balance to be had. Perhaps this is just something I've arrived at through age and experience, but if a woman asked me if I'm a virgin then that would be a huge red flag.

 

[Sketcher]

"Boundaries In Dating" by Cloud and Townsend would benefit you I think. Among other things, they have examples of how they think is a good way to broach this with prospects. Given your relationship history, there's probably more than just that which you could pick up from it.