Is it Biblically wrong for my wife and I to move away from the in laws?

[Kyle16]

My wife and I have been married for 5 months now. My wife's family has a tight relationship and they are also Christians. My wife and I warned them 3 months ago that we could be moving. There recitations were awful especially from the mother and law. She started to be mean, selfish, and manipulative and would make me feel like I am doing something terribly wrong. She would also try and make the both of us feel bad for her. Come 3 months later I got a job that is two hours away from them. The mother in law in doing the same thing again. I have honestly never been this stressed or hurt.
They claim that I don't know my wife and that I am not thinking about her. They also said that she will just tell you what you want to hear. When they said that it tore me right open.

As a Christian I am suppose to do what I believe is best for my Family and be able to provide for my Family. The bible warns us if we don't. The bible also talks about departing from your family when your married. I don't see anything biblically wrong for what I am doing but they make me feel like I am some awful person. My wife is supporting me through this entire thing but it has been extremely hard with the in laws. My prayers have been clearly answered that it is okay to move but overcoming the in laws it extremely challenging.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Your wife is your first priority. Move.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi Kyle, I see you are brand new here, so first off, WELCOME TO CF ..

Now, as to the matter at hand, I don't envy you in this decision I can tell you that Genesis 2:24 is not meant as a prescription for breaking the first commandment with a promise (Exodus 20:12), so you need to be careful how you wade through all of this.

I assume your wife is aware of everything that's happening and what is being said, yes? Beyond that, I would follow the Lord's admonition in Proverbs 15:22. I would definitely add up the pros/cons and talk to your pastor or elder board and your folks (especially if they're Christians).

The first year of marriage is a particularly rough one as a lot of adjustments have to be made (and parents are included in that mix, BTW). Moving, changing jobs, and the like are really big deals, so if you can avoid doing much of that during your first year of marriage, that would be preferable (though sometimes it can't be helped .. especially if you can't find work where you're living now).

I imagine that your mother-in-law is extremely close to your wife, and that's normally a very good thing. I can also tell you that once you have kids, you are going to wish they were still nearby. Big-time I would also say that extra compassion is called for on your part in this, but again, not knowing you or any of your family personally makes giving you advice tough (again, this is why seeking the counsel of those who do know you, your wife and her family, is your best bet).

That said, if you (and your wife) are sure that this move is of the Lord, then it would be extremely hard to tell you to do otherwise. Just make sure that you don't rush into anything that you don't have to.

Yours and His,
David

 

[All4Christ]

Hi Kyle, I don't envy you in this I will tell you that Genesis 2:24 is not a prescription for breaking the first commandment with a promise however (Exodus 20:12).

I assume your wife is aware of everything that's happening and what is being said, yes? That said, I would follow the Lord's admonition in Proverbs 15:22. I would definitely add up the pros/cons and talk to your pastor or elder board and your folks (especially if they're Christians).

The first year of marriage is a particularly rough one as a lot of adjustments have to be made (and parents are included in that mix, BTW). Moving, changing jobs, and the like are really big deals, so if you can avoid doing much of that during your first year of marriage, that would be preferable (though sometimes it can't be helped .. especially if you can't find work where you're living now).

I imagine that your mother-in-law is extremely close to your wife, and that's normally a very good thing. I can also tell you that once you have kids, you are going to wish they were still nearby. Big-time I would also say that extra compassion is called for on your part in this, but again, not knowing you or any of your family personally makes giving you advice tough (again, this is why seeking the counsel of those who do know you, your wife and her family is your best bet).

That said, if you (and your wife) are sure that this move is of the Lord, then it would be extremely hard to tell you to do otherwise. Just make sure that you don't rush into anything that you don't have to.

Yours and His,
David

There are some times where it is more appropriate to have some distance between parents and the family. Not following their every wish and whim is not dishonoring them.

It is not right for the parents to do what they are doing - and there is a healthy balance between closeness with parents and closeness to your spouse. Also, depending on the situation, there are times where having in-laws close to grandchildren can cause more problems than help.

@Kyle, as I don't know the type of relationship your in-laws have with your wife, I can't say what is best. You did describe some potential problem areas with the in-laws, yet David has some points to keep in mind as well. I agree that talking to a pastor would be a wise move. Just know that what may be right in some cases may not be right for every situation.

Your wife and future children should you have any are your top priority (other than God), and your in-laws also need to accept that their relationship is not the same as it was prior to your marriage. That's not dishonoring them. Rather, it is one of the goals of parenthood to prepare children to enter a life with another person and to start their own family. Doing that doesn't mean abandoning parents (far from it!), but it is a very different dynamic.

 

[ValleyGal]

If your wife's family is close, then your wife moving with you will likely cause all kinds of pain that is being expressed in angry and hurtful ways. Two hours away is not a great distance. Some people commute almost that long just to get to work every day. I live 3 hours away (and a mountain range or two) away from my family of origin, and now that I'm here, I wish I had done this two decades before I actually did move, especially when my son was born.

If your wife is supportive of this move, then move. Let your in-laws know that you are not moving to hurt them or your wife; you love them, and support their close relationship, but you are now a family with your wife, and need to detach and become as one with her. Then let them all have time to adjust to the changes. If your wife gets homesick, plan a weekend back home - and stay with your in-laws if you can. Staying with them will show them that you really do care about them. And invite them to stay with you as well, and make sure to include them in your lives especially around holiday times, etc. Also make sure that the relationship is supported with phone calls, skype visits, emails, etc. All these things... really 2 hours away is nothing. And if your wife's family is that close, they will not let a short move away affect the family fabric.

 

[St_Worm2]

...Not following their every wish and whim is not dishonoring them.

Hi All4Christ, I'm glad you mentioned that because I would certainly not want him to think that's what I meant

 

[Verve]

Your wife is your first priority. Move.

This.

 

[mmksparbud]

(Gen 2:24) Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 

[SirKenin]

It's pretty weird, but something came to me as I was eating dinner (maybe it was my wife's lasagna that was as close to the Divine as a food can get).

Why are you asking what the Bible has to say about it? I believe it's because you want to use it as ammunition to back your position. Hey, they're not listening to any other "reason" so you might as well hit them over the head with a Bible. At the risk of sounding "anti-Christian" I'm going to step outside the box here. Forget about it. Forget the Bible even exists for the time being. The Bible is a very holy book that was NEVER intended to be ammunition for anyone's spats, wars, disagreements, temper tantrums, manipulations or power grabs. The Bible has been misconstrued, mistranslated, misinterpreted, manipulated, twisted and abused to the point of being virtually meaningless and this travesty needs to end.

To try to use such a holy book to solve your childish spats is disrespectful, the same as the churches should be disgusted with themselves for using such a sacred law to create such division and hatred amongst all brothers and sisters to keep their own collection plates full.

Ok. So, from a strictly logical point of view. Why did you get a job two hours away? You knew that it would cause a problem. What did you think, you'd get the job and then throw a Bible at them to manipulate them into seeing things your way?

Why did you marry this woman? You have a short list. You also have a compatibility ratio of what you like/don't like. You did do your homework first, right? You didn't marry because you were afraid to stand on your own two feet without a Bible, right? You knew what she was like prior to being married, right? It's not like it was an arranged marriage where you didn't see her until the day of the wedding, right?

So you KNEW these things to be true and you married her anyways. You KNEW the dynamic with her parents. You KNEW that you were marrying the parents. And you should KNOW there's a very precious relationship between a mother and a daughter that you have no business messing with or you will pay a heavy price.

So with that said, forget hoping the Bible is going to save your bacon. That's not its purpose. You chose her the way she is and you chose her parents with her. If you thought everything was going to change and you'd get your way by putting a ring on it and getting a job two hours away, you've just made a very expensive error. Keep it up and it will cost you 50%.

Remember. What she does after you get married is none of your business. She can do whatever she wants. You will give her irrevocable trust. You will stop trying to manipulate and control. You'll be the man that you want to be. You will not make her choose between her mother and you (because you will ALWAYS lose). You have to be prepared to live with what you don't like about her 100% of the time or your marriage will never survive. Stay focused on your short list.

See how simple life is? It really isn't complicated. Now I would recommend that you go buy them some roses, apologize for being a jerk and let your lovely wife work out her issues with her mother without you getting involved.

Good luck.

 

[ValleyGal]

Respectfully, the OP does not seem interested in beating his in-laws with a game of biblical whack-a-mole. This is a man genuinely looking for practical ways to help his family deal with the decision he and his wife have made about his career development. He seems more interested in how hard it will be to deal with the fallout, not how he can throw the Book at them. He is married; her business is his business, especially when it comes to dealing with how to function as their own family unit within the larger now extended family (of both origins). He has nothing to apologize for.

 

[Odetta]

SirKenon - what in the world?! Good grief. Take your venom elsewhere.

Kyle, I don't think that you are being the selfish jerk SirKenon is implying. Accepting a good job that has you moving 2 hours away is not unreasonable. You are not tearing your wife away from her family so that she never ever sees them again. In my city, 2 hours is just across town.

This situation does bring up a good point in that you and your wife together need to decide now, this early in your marriage, how to deal with in-laws - both yours and hers. No one should force their will on the other. At the same time, lines need to be drawn to protect your marriage from toxic influences. Learning how to deal appropriately with in-laws/parents who behave inappropriately is going to be a key skill for the success of your marriage. I do think that your wife should take the lead on dealing with her parents (with your support), and I pray that she has the strength and wisdom to understand, put in place and enforce healthy boundaries with them.

 

[Bluecheese]

I couldn't stand my in-laws, and we lived a good distance from them. My husband didn't like his parents much either. No one should have to put up with relatives they dislike, imo.

 

[dysert]

My wife is supporting me through this entire thing

Given this, then
>Is it Biblically wrong for my wife and I to move away from the in laws?

No.

 

[Dave-W]

No - in fact it is alluded to in the first mention of marriage:

Gen 2.24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

That applies to wives leaving their parents as well.

 

[SirKenin]

No - in fact it is alluded to in the first mention of marriage:

Gen 2.24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

That applies to wives leaving their parents as well.

That's a nice twist and not what it means at all. This is why sometimes you need to keep the Bible out of it, for stuff like this. A man needs to cut the cord and strike out on his own, the completion of the parental duties and the beginning of his path as a successful warrior (if the parents did their job right). Nothing to do with a woman.

 

[Dave-W]

That's .... not what it means at all.

What do you base that on?

This is why sometimes you need to keep the Bible out of it,

What? As a believer one should keep the Bible IN everything.

 

[SirKenin]

Kyle, I don't think that you are being the selfish jerk SirKenon is implying. Accepting a good job that has you moving 2 hours away is not unreasonable.

Odetta is missing the context and got their ego engaged. That's ok, it's their stuff and they're entitled to do so. Their perceptions and whatever have you are also not my problem. So...

Nobody is saying accepting a job two hours away in and of itself is a bad thing. The next breath is "ok, we're moving". Context. You knew, before you ever got that job, that it would cause a problem with the in-laws. You said so yourself:

"My wife and I warned them 3 months ago that we could be moving. There recitations were awful especially from the mother and law. She started to be mean, selfish, and manipulative and would make me feel like I am doing something terribly wrong."​

You chose to proceed. SURPRISE! Your mother in-law thinks you're a jerk. Gee, I wonder why? Is this really rocket science? Do you need a Bible to spell it out? You have to accept those consequences. What difference does it make what the Bible says about it if you didn't want to use it for leverage? If the Bible said "For this reason a woman shall stay close to her mom" would you pout, stomp your feet and quit your new job?

I'll mention it again... If you get between your wife and her mother, you'll regret it. I promise. Your wife may even go along with you for now but it's going to rear its ugly head when you least expect it (usually in an argument five years down the road about something COMPLETELY unrelated). However it manifests itself you can mark my words. You'll pay for it.

 

[Dave-W]

Finally shall we look at honouring your father and your mother (Ephesians) as well. Or does that not suit your context?

According to the rabbis from Jesus' time, (and HE seems to agree with this) honoring Father and Mother means supporting them in their old age.

I am now doing that with my widowed mother.

I try to research what these passages meant in the first century and how that can apply today.

 

[SirKenin]

Hi All4Christ.

I appreciated reading your post. That's what happens in an ideal world. I don't disagree at all, it's what it should look like. You're talking about a lot of things that when the stars line up just right, when you've done your homework and due diligence prior to the marriage, this is how things look.

The problem is when we don't do that. Then what? One example:

"Both can happen when healthy boundaries are in place. However, both parties need to respect those boundaries!"
​

That may be true, but that's not happening in this case. And the OP has zero control over that (he only has control over himself). So yes, he's free to make the decisions that suit him. But at the same time he must also accept those consequences, whatever they look like.

You can't make a person bend to your will. You can't control them, manipulate them or force them to see things from your point of view. His mother-in-law doesn't, plain and simple. That's what he married. That's his choice. That's the consequences he'll have to deal with. It doesn't matter one iota what the Bible says or doesn't say.

So now it's too late to go back. Since he only has control over himself he has two options. Leave the marriage or deal with it in its entirety. Either way there will be consequences.

He needs to survive a woman's alien territory and thing called relationship or get slaughtered. What does he need to do to win? To cite "well, in an ideal world then this" is pointless. It's not ideal and not a thing he can do, not a single worry, not a single extra grey hair, not a single Bible verse, is going to change that if his mother-in-law doesn't want to.

Does his wife accept it? Maybe, maybe not. On the surface she might. But you can't argue a woman's bond with her mother. A healthy woman has a healthy relationship with her mother and has cleaned up all unresolved issues with her father. I would never get in the way of my wife and her mother. Otherwise guess what? I get to take on the role of her mother and her father. Yeah. No thanks. Do you think that my wife really wants to have sex with her parents? There's a sobering thought because that's exactly what it boils down to.. And why the sex breaks down and why the relationship ultimately gets murdered..

I could go on.. but wrong thread. Put simply these are first world problems. They're inconsequential. Small potatoes. Not worth fighting over. There's a much bigger picture, much bigger fish to fry. Focusing on stuff like this means not focusing on the bigger things. It means not having a greater context. It means being low on the "world sucks chart" and we all should be striving to climb our way up that ladder. That is, after all, why we're on this planet.

I stand by what I say. In this circumstance. With these parameters. If he gets in the way of his wife and her mother, he'll pay a heavy price.

 

[Kyle16]

What do you base that on?

What? As a believer one should keep the Bible IN everything.

Thank you!