Inappropriate behavior from bf's married female friend

[freedom4all]

I am asking this question in the married section because it involves a married couple. My bf and I have been dating for 9 months. He is friends with a married couple; he was their best man. He was friends with “V” before he was friends with her husband, although they never dated. He has told me that they are active in their church and Christians, but they used to be involved in drugs and a bad lifestyle before they turned their lives around.

Since my bf and I have been dating, he has gone out to lunch with V a couple times, both times she called him. I didn’t think much of it before, but as we have gotten closer, it has started to bother me. I have been reading about boundaries, and I think she is stepping over the line. Well, last week, she called my bf, and wanted us to go out to dinner with them. When we got there, those two started talking, and no one introduced her husband or myself, so we had to introduce ourselves to each other, which was awkward. Then, I sat down in the booth, and my bf sits down next to me. V sits down in the booth across from me while her husband went to the restroom. When he came back, V gets out of the booth so her husband sits across from me and she sits across from my bf. That made me uncomfortable. Then, V and my bf started talking about Dr. Who (sci-fi show), and she mentioned there is a convention, and he said he hadn’t heard of it. Then, she said “I’ll come with you if you want, I’ll be happy to come with you” to my bf. I felt like a crumb, and basically sat there making sure my mouth was really full so I couldn’t say what I felt like saying. I wanted to leave. (I might mention that she wore one of those off the shoulder tops, so a lot of skin was showing.) Anyhow, my bf has told me that she talks to him about her and her hubby's fertility issues , vasectomy reversal, confessed that at one point she wanted to cheat on her husband, previous lifestyle antics, etc. I don’t feel this is appropriate behavior for a married person. I tried to give him a quick smooch, but he acted like he didn’t want to, which was weird for him.

When it was finally over, I told him that she is behaving inappropriately, and that going forward, I don’t think they should hang out alone together without her husband or myself present. He was really hoping that we would hit it off and be great friends, but no dice. And being a Christian, I feel she is pushing the limits, and disrespecting me. I asked my bf why he wouldn’t kiss me and he said he thought I was doing it to spite her, like he is more concerned with offending her than me. He agrees to not spend time with her alone, hopes we can get together with them again, because they are all friends, but to be honest, I don’t want to. If the time comes that I absolutely must, should I say something to her, since obviously my bf won’t? Am I overreacting?

 

[Vilnius]

I think you feelings are appropriate given the facts as you have described them.

 

[okiemommy26]

I would feel the same way.

 

[HeatherJay]

I think that you're focusing your hurt and anger toward this women when you maybe should be far more concerned with your boyfriend's lack of concern for you and your feelings. I understand that it's somewhat female instinct to direct your wrath toward the competition (the other woman), but the real source of your insecurity in your relationship is not V. If you truly felt that you could trust your man, V and her antics wouldn't be an issue.

I think you need to have a long talk with your boyfriend. If he's not respecting you and if he seems unwilling to change, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Better to figure out where he stands on this sort of issue now than after marriage, right?

 

[gracefaith]

What HeatherJay said.

I mean, I would caution you against getting on a soapbox saying, "This behavior crosses BOUNDARIES! Married women shouldn't do this sort of thing!!" I really REALLY don't think you BF or his female friend are deliberately marginalizing you or making you uncomfortable. They have been friends for a long while and have shared a lot together. I don't think you are completely off-base with the thought that their relationship probably needs to change a bit since their lives have changed too, but this may take some time and adjustment to get just right.

Your BF seems to want this all to work out and for the 4 of you to be friends. I know you are feeling a little miffed right now, but if you love him and he cares for her, she must be one swell lady, don't you think? Seriously, if you want to be with this man, I would attempt to make friends with this woman. Your BF seems to agree with your assessment of appropriate boundaries, he obviously supports their marriage and isn't going to running off with her or anything, so I really have to stress that I think it is in your best interest, and the best interest of you relationship, to forget this little incident and give it another shot.

 

[Leanna]

I think that you're focusing your hurt and anger toward this women when you maybe she be far more concerned with your boyfriend's lack of concern for you and your feelings. I understand that it's somewhat female instinct to direct your wrath toward the competition (the other woman), but the real source of your insecurity in your relationship is not V. If you truly felt that you could trust your man, V and her antics wouldn't be an issue.

I think you need to have a long talk with your boyfriend. If he's not respecting you and if he seems unwilling to change, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Better to figure out where he stands on this sort of issue now than after marriage, right?

What she said.

I wouldn't be okay with her and him going out alone either.

 

[alwaysyoung]

I would definetely say something and not brush the issue aside. You're not overreacting.

Lots of love,

Lisa

 

[Argent]

I think you need to reconsider your boyfriend, and only because he seems ill-mannered.

I'm not talking about what fork to use. I'm talking about the foundation of good etiquette: Concern for the feelings of others with us.

I mean, he didn't introduce you to a long-time friend? He left it up to you and her husband to introduce yoursleves? Maybe his mom and dad didn't know to teach him this, but after we're adults we are responsible for know what to do socially to make the people we're with feel good and comfortable. This is an important indicator, believe you me, of how a person will behave in the marriage and all that that involves. If they understand the social graces, they are usually a gracious spouse. It might sound like a stretch, but it isn't.

At the dinner table it is usually boy-girl-boy-girl. But this is suppose to encourage conversation. It does not give your bf and V the right to hold a buddy conversation across the table from each other. That's rude and ill-mannered. Everone is supposed participate and include everyone else. This is social skill.

If they are old friends they might be very comfortable discussing anything, including fertility treatment and sci-fi conventions. Now, if she starts asking your bf to "stand in" as a sperm donor, or is asking him to go to a convention to put the moves on him, then she's sinning and trying to pull your bf into it. If you really think this is the case, is your bf naive about such things? I doubt it if he knew her in her pre-christian days. I imagine he's been around the block too.

I'm wondering. What sort of vibe did you get from the husband when this dinner was going on. Did he seem cool with his wife going off to a convention with another man. Did you discuss his vasectomy reversal at dinner? Is he flaky and oblivious. Some people are by nature and some are by choice.

I just think you need to be looking at your bf's character more so than this woman's. If you can't live with his behaviour now, you won't be able to as his wife.

 

[freedom4all]

As far as being friends with her, not at this point in time. I can't predict how I will feel in the future. As far as her being a "swell lady," I don't automatically assume that type of thing, I guess. Should I? I don’t know what to do if she does/says something in front of me that I feel is inappropriate. I won't sit there and keep my mouth shut again, but I'm not the type to flip out and cause a scene, either.

I have issues with this kind of situation because it has happened before with another woman and my bf. We were at a club, and this woman comes up to him and hugs and kisses him on the lips and says “It's been so long since I 've seen you, I miss you, I love you,” etc. and then he turns to me and says, “This is my new girlfriend,” and she says, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend!” I just stood there confused, like wha...????(BTW, she is married to one of his friends.) Another time, she sat next to him and put her hand on his thigh. The next time after that, she said she wanted to dance with me, and he said that wouldn’t be a good idea (he knows I don’t like her), and she admitted that she got off on the “wrong foot” with me. Um, yeah, you could say that. Why would I want to be friends with people like that?

They already have husbands, why do they need to act this way? I'm not trying to be "holier than thou," but I apply the same standards to my own behavior, so it's not like I am doing all this stuff and then telling my bf that he can't.

It bothers me that it seems he is more concerned with offending them than not hurting me, and I don't know what to do about that, either.

I'm really not as uptight as I must come across. I like to socialize, and am a fun person. I have met many of my bf's friends and their SO's, and for the most part, we all get along, and I like them.

 

[Leanna]

Another woman, same boyfriend? Sounds like the problem is that your boyfriend is okay with this kind of behavior. If it were me, I'd stop dating him and find someone who believed in the sacredness of the marriage relationship.

 

[gracefaith]

Hmmm, I'm getting a bigger picture here. Apparently, you have issues with his relationships with several women, not just one. You don't particularly care if they are nice or not, you just don't like the nature of their interactions with your BF. Period.

Well, I guess you and this guy need to have a serious talk. Either you are just being paranoid or he is incredibly insensitive (and likes to keep extra honeys around) or there's some sort of lesser confluence of both going on here. Really, you need to stop worrying about why these women act that way and start asking why this has become such a problem in your relationship. This isn't about the other married women - this is about you and your boyfriend.

 

[freedom4all]

"Now, if she starts asking your bf to "stand in" as a sperm donor"

Argent, you are reading my mind. That idea popped into my head earlier this morning.

Her husband was kind of quiet, and seemed nice. I got no negative vibes from him, but I felt strong feelings from her that made me uncomfortable. Kind of like she was trying to impose some sort of authority over me. I can't even explain the feeling. I know that sounds nuts, but I have gotten these feelings from people in the past and been correct, so to ignore them would be stupid.

At times, I think my bf is just naive, however, other times I think he likes getting attention from girls just a bit too much.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Kind of like she was trying to impose some sort of authority over me.

I completely understand what you mean by this! I have seen women do this before. I think your intuition is probably correct.

In my opinion, you should not move forward in your relationship with your boyfriend. That thing about not kissing you because he thought you were doing it to "spite her" is just crazy. If there were no inappropriate feelings between them, how would the two of you kissing "spite her"? That's a huge warning sign to me.

I don't think he's honouring you and his relationship with you. And I think (in agreement with a previous poster) that he has bad manners in general. I think you should say goodbye to him, because it would be horrible to be married to a man like that! There are better men than that out there. You deserve better.

 

[Jill Ann]

Freedom, trust your feelings!!! You are absolutely right to be having reservations about your boyfriend and his "friend's" relationship with each other. It does sound like this girl was maybe trying to stake her claim on her friendship with your boyfriend, or at least trying to let you know where she stood with him.

If you had about 5 hours, I could fill you in on the NIGHTMARE that I have been living since I first met my husband 5 years ago concerning his relationship with his "best friends" (a man and his wife). I won't even try to go into all of it, but let's just say I had the SAME, EXACT feelings you are having when I first met them...even down to them seeing nothing wrong with my H attending events alone with the wife (which in my book is considered a DATE!). It has been a painful, constant struggle to finally get to the place where he and I agree on what's appropriate and smart for our marriage (which for us involved me supporting his friendship with the male, not the female except for normal, "hi, how are you" type conversations).

The bottom line is that I don't believe marriage has room for an opposite-sex best friend....there are just too many consistent stories of "friends" that end up crossing the line at some point, especially when their own relationships are in crisis or struggling. Satan loves taking advantage of this scenerio because this is how marriages are getting destroyed again and again.

I would suggest you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.....you will understand why you are having all of those bad feelings about this other friend. After reading this book you will have a better idea of what you require in a relationship to feel "safe and secure" and you will then be able to tell your boyfriend what you need. The way he chooses to handle your feelings and needs about this will be very revealing to you about where you really stand with him!!!!

 

[Argent]

"Now, if she starts asking your bf to "stand in" as a sperm donor"

Argent, you are reading my mind. That idea popped into my head earlier this morning.

Her husband was kind of quiet, and seemed nice. I got no negative vibes from him, but I felt strong feelings from her that made me uncomfortable. Kind of like she was trying to impose some sort of authority over me. I can't even explain the feeling. I know that sounds nuts, but I have gotten these feelings from people in the past and been correct, so to ignore them would be stupid.

At times, I think my bf is just naive, however, other times I think he likes getting attention from girls just a bit too much.

Great minds think alike!

Seriously now, go with your instincs. When your "sixth sense" is telling you something, it's actually your unconcious mind picking up on things that your conscious mind is overlooking, although I'd say your conscious mind is pretty on target here too.

Guys like a lot of attention from women. It's an ego thing. My concern here is his commitment to the Lord. Is he a Christian? When people have a strong commitment to their faith, they usually have drawn very clear boundies for tolerating behaviour in others. It doesn't sound like he's done this, or at least his boundries are nowhere near mine.

Just curious, I don't see a symbol near your screenname indicating your faith. Is this unsettled at this time? Are you still exploring? Nothing wrong with that. I've been there myself. I do know that when such a matter is settled, it puts everything else into place, including the behaviour of others that we are willing to let into our lives, and what were not.

 

[Argent]

Freedom, trust your feelings!!! You are absolutely right to be having reservations about your boyfriend and his "friend's" relationship with each other. It does sound like this girl was maybe trying to stake her claim on her friendship with your boyfriend, or at least trying to let you know where she stood with him.

If you had about 5 hours, I could fill you in on the NIGHTMARE that I have been living since I first met my husband 5 years ago concerning his relationship with his "best friends" (a man and his wife). I won't even try to go into all of it, but let's just say I had the SAME, EXACT feelings you are having when I first met them...even down to them seeing nothing wrong with my H attending events alone with the wife (which in my book is considered a DATE!). It has been a painful, constant struggle to finally get to the place where he and I agree on what's appropriate and smart for our marriage (which for us involved me supporting his friendship with the male, not the female except for normal, "hi, how are you" type conversations).

The bottom line is that I don't believe marriage has room for an opposite-sex best friend....there are just too many consistent stories of "friends" that end up crossing the line at some point, especially when their own relationships are in crisis or struggling. Satan loves taking advantage of this scenerio because this is how marriages are getting destroyed again and again.

I would suggest you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.....you will understand why you are having all of those bad feelings about this other friend. After reading this book you will have a better idea of what you require in a relationship to feel "safe and secure" and you will then be able to tell your boyfriend what you need. The way he chooses to handle your feelings and needs about this will be very revealing to you about where you really stand with him!!!!

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[alwaysyoung]

It doesn't sound like he is ready for a commited relationship. If this is hurting you now, it will continue to hurt you and you will feel worse if you stay with him. Is this relationship healthy for you?

 

[freedom4all]

there are just too many consistent stories of "friends" that end up crossing the line at some point, especially when their own relationships are in crisis or struggling. Satan loves taking advantage of this scenerio because this is how marriages are getting destroyed again and again.

Do have a verse that deals with this? I am writing a letter to him, explaining my feelings and why I think the way I do, and would like scripture for that. I agree that that is the reason for so many failed marriages. I personally believe that to put oneself into a situation like that [my bf and her talking about her intimacy issues with her hubby] is to be a fool.

 

[Jill Ann]

How about Proverbs 4:23-

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

or 1 Peter 5:8-

Your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour

 

[Jill Ann]

You can also find some good info. and clinical facts on Shirley Glass's website. She has found that over 80% of affairs get started with people considered "just a friend".