in love with someone unavailable. what to do?

[the_man]

Put your friendship with her on probation (i.e. limit your interaction so you can heal/get over her). When you are ready, have moved on, go back to being a friend.

 

[Krysstian]

I find myself in a predicament once again with someone I call my best friend. I am very close to her and a few months ago realized that my feelings were more then friends and tried to sort myself out.
Thing is she has been dating a guy for years and they have been engaged and un engaged a couple of times. I am friends with the guy also, but she is my best friend.
She tells me she is unhappy with her boyfriend and wants to leave but she never does anything about it. I keep telling her to speak to him about it and to try to work it out, but secretly I want them to break up so I can be with her.
When I first realized that I had strong feelings for her, I spoke to her about it and she said she had an idea I felt like that and said she didn't want it to change our friendship and I kind of got over it. I guess I am kind of always waiting on the sideline so that if anything happens I would be there.
I keep trying to tell myself that I can never be with her and want to stop thinking about her but she is always in my head.
She has recently said again that she wants to break up with her boyfriend and once again I have told her that she should try to work it out with him but once again I want them to break up so I can be with her. I guess I have been telling myself that as long as I don't actually break them up myself then I can feel fine with myself.

I guess the underlying problem is that I have feelings for my best friend that I cant get rid of and I don't know how to get rid of the feelings, or if I want to because there may be a chance that she does break up with her boyfriend.
I feel myself getting depressed a lot about it and jealous when she does things with her boyfriend which is wrong because they are together and it shouldn't effect me, whatever they do!

Anyone been in a situation like this or have any suggestions as to what to do?
I don't want to stop talking to her or not see her as she is my best friend and we talk about everything together.

Thank you.

Rhys

You can be like me and wait almost 7 years....to find out that the person just want to be friends. Or you can tell her how you feel and what you want. If you did and that didnt change the status of your friendships. That is a huge hint. If you still want to pursue it. Just show her the man you can be for her...she might have a change of heart.

 

[jency3]

If you have been in this type of situation before then you might be in the type of situation in which you are experiencing these feelings due to the fact that she is unavailable and that is "safer" than having feelings for someone who is available. The bottom line is you said she is not a Christian she is not the person you should be with at this time. You need to go look for someone who is available to love, and who will love you back. Yes it is scary and you will very possibly get hurt, but if you keep trying to have a relationship with this friend of yours you will get hurt. If you always have feelings for unavailable people you might need to talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings and discover why this is a pattern in your life.

 

[Sleak]

I have been told by a couple of people on here that due to her NOT being a Christian, I shouldn't be with her. I can understand the reasons why you shouldn't cross that path (intimacy, sex before marriage ect), but I find it very hard to dismiss any non Christian girls just because they aren't a Christian. Sure a lot of people have done a lot of things in their past, but I believe that as long as each person in a relationship knows the others beliefs and respects them, then there shouldn't be a problem.
Just doesn't seem right to me that Christians can only have relationships with other Christians. That really narrows the amount of people down a lot! God has chosen someone for you, I dont believe that he would only chose a Christian partner for you!!

Rhys

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Knowing and respecting another's beliefs is not quite the same as understanding their beliefs.

 

[Silver-winged Flyer]

I have been told by a couple of people on here that due to her NOT being a Christian, I shouldn't be with her. I can understand the reasons why you shouldn't cross that path (intimacy, sex before marriage ect), but I find it very hard to dismiss any non Christian girls just because they aren't a Christian. Sure a lot of people have done a lot of things in their past, but I believe that as long as each person in a relationship knows the others beliefs and respects them, then there shouldn't be a problem.
Just doesn't seem right to me that Christians can only have relationships with other Christians. That really narrows the amount of people down a lot! God has chosen someone for you, I dont believe that he would only chose a Christian partner for you!!

Rhys

I'm just going to give my honest opinion. I don't believe that Christians should date non-Christians. I also don't believe that God would choose a nonChristian for a Christian. The verse in the bible about not being unequally yoked was out there for a reason.
As Christians we should not be indulging in activities that nonChristians take part in and by being in a relationship with an unbeliever it is too easy to start doing some of those things. There is also no accountability or growing together in the faith.

 

[Krysstian]

I'm just going to give my honest opinion. I don't believe that Christians should date non-Christians. I also don't believe that God would choose a nonChristian for a Christian. The verse in the bible about not being unequally yoked was out there for a reason.
As Christians we should not be indulging in activities that nonChristians take part in and by being in a relationship with an unbeliever it is too easy to start doing some of those things. There is also no accountability or growing together in the faith.

Joyce Meyer and her husband were definitely not equally yoked. Joyce Meyer was an atheist when her and her husband married. Her husband was a Christian though. Majority of people always love to use certain scripture in the bible so they don't have to deal with someone that might be a challenge. Look at her today, all because of true agape love. I know her husband had hard times lol I can see it in his face when they talk about it. They are funny and beautiful....

I don't put God in a box, God can do whatever He please, He can uses whomever He pleases....He is a God that do things that we might not understand...

 

[Argent]

Bro, I'll be frank: It's a case of all or nothing.

You're miserable now because you can't have what you want (her as a girlfriend), and unless she becomes your girlfriend (which doesn't seem likely) then you're going to continue to be tormented by your feelings for her and by her unavailability. Sure, she's your friend and no one wants to end a friendship, but the only way for this to improve is this: You sit her down and tell her you want her to be your girl because you're in love with her, and if she doesn't feel the same way toward you, then you have to stop spending time with her, because even though there are great moments within your friendship, your love for her is making you miserable and you need to let the love die, and that can only happen if she is no longer a part of your life.

If she says she feels the same about you and wants to be your girl, then your friendship with her boyfriend will certainly end, so be prepared to gain her, but lose his friendship. He will be very mad at both of you, and he'll get over it, but he'll never be your friend again.

You're in a tough spot, but you're not a kid anymore.

You're a man and you've got to take the lead, as a Christian man is required to do in love, dating, courtship and marriage, and move this thing forward or back out of it completely so you can move on to finding a woman to be your wife.

Don't stay in the status quo.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Bro, I'll be frank: It's a case of all or nothing.

You're miserable now because you can't have what you want (her as a girlfriend), and unless she becomes your girlfriend (which doesn't seem likely) then you're going to continue to be tormented by your feelings for her and by her unavailability. Sure, she's your friend and no one wants to end a friendship, but the only way for this to improve is this: You sit her down and tell her you want her to be your girl because you're in love with her, and if she doesn't feel the same way toward you, then you have to stop spending time with her, because even though there are great moments within your friendship, your love for her is making you miserable and you need to let the love die, and that can only happen if she is no longer a part of your life.

If she says she feels the same about you and wants to be your girl, then your friendship with her boyfriend will certainly end, so be prepared to gain her, but lose his friendship. He will be very mad at both of you, and he'll get over it, but he'll never be your friend again.

You're in a tough spot, but you're not a kid anymore.

You're a man and you've got to take the lead, as a Christian man is required to do in love, dating, courtship and marriage, and move this thing forward or back out of it completely so you can move on to finding a woman to be your wife.

Don't stay in the status quo.

 

[Balugon]

hmm.. funny, cause Ive been getting taught lately how to be just friends with a girl. And i can guarantee u if i lived near by so we could visit, i would be a dead man. thankfully she lives too far away. As for ur situation, i would say not only pray, but get a group of at least 6 people to prayer with u like maybe 4 or 5 times in the next six months. U may think thats overkill, but it really isnt. U wonder why it takes some people 30 years to get saved, maybe there is only one person praying for them (as in, not just general "God, please save the whole world prayers). Also from my experience with prayer, and a situation as strong as urs, i really dont think its overkill at all.

Second, i know she's ur best friend, but dont let the fear that God doesnt have someone even better out there that he could be getting ready for you. I mean, i think thats probably what it is. Cause i guarantee, that if u knew without a doubt that there was someone better, and that they would be a lot more fulfilling for ur life, that u wouldnt have trouble waiting maybe a year or so to meet them, would u? I think ud be willing.

The bible says it flat out, dont marry unbelievers. Its a command. Yea, ur always gonna hear crazy success stories, but how many stories do u hear about the bad ones, or even two christians who got married cause they thought they were perfect for each other and werent? I bet u a lot that there are tons more bad stories than there are good ones.

As for ur friends relationship, yea, id probably just stay out of it. I mean, imagine the best, what if they did get married? I mean, if she cant make up her mind while their engaged, i would hate to see her in marriage. And there might be things that could carry over if she ever dated u. U might know better than i would, but everyone has their stuff.

And is she having sex with the guy? I mean, i know they are engaged, or were a few times, thats a pretty close relationship if she is willing to be engaged, she very well could be willing to go further, and if shes willing with him, she might be more willing with u, not saying u would, but just the fact that she might means u would have to be careful about that.

Oh, and if they did break up, i would wait at least a year before going out with her. Im really serious. She, especially after being engaged to the guy, would need that time to unload some stuff from the last relationship and help to clear her mind and help get her life back in focus. I mean, if u outright dont listen to not going out with her, then might be a good idea to give her a good amount of time to take a deep breathe, get her life focus back in shape, and then take a chance at it.

As for problems as to why God wouldnt want us to be with unbelievers. Well, if u have different religions, what happens with the kids? Who are they raised under? Or are they raised under both? Is she willing to cuss, not care if u look at inappropriate content, does she smoke, does she drink? stuff like that. And what happens if she's into psychic and fortune telling stuff? I wouldnt want a girl bringing even the aura of that stuff into my house to stay. Not to mention if she is an agnostic, meaning not really any religion, then she could pick one up that isnt christianity along the way, and u could be in real trouble. Or if she chooses to use sinful escapes to help get away from her problems because the strong relationship with God isnt there.

I think thats a lot of the downside, but now u have to look at the non-existant positive side u would be missing out on. Count all those prayers that a possible christian spouse would be benefitting u, especially if they prayed for u every night? What about all the sacrifices the christian spouse would be willing to make because they really wanted to have an honorable and successful marriage before God? Or what about tithing? Will she even let u tithe, especially her money? And there is the joy knowing that u guys have the same beliefs, and that u can show her off in church, and u know that she is working on trying to become a more godly person.

And u could always stretch it and talk about the people that a christian spouse would be keeping close relationships with that could benefit u, and all sorts of other stuff probably.

I hope this helps, and dont be afraid to ask the prayer request board and us for prayers if u would like them.

tl,
bl.

 

[Silver-winged Flyer]

Majority of people always love to use certain scripture in the bible so they don't have to deal with someone that might be a challenge.

Where do you get off saying something like that? In life the best place to go to see if something is right or not is the bible. It is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, rebuking...

That's how I interpret the bible verse, I'm not hiding behind it by any means. I don't see him as a challenge, I'm just saying that dating a non-christian, in my opinion, is not right and therefore he shouldn't even be considering the possibility.

I'm glad that Joyce Meyer became a christian but I think more often then not the christian partner will backslide.

I might sound very rigid in my view of the situation but as christians we are called to not go along with the secular world but to stand strong in our beliefs.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Oh, and if they did break up, i would wait at least a year before going out with her. Im really serious. She, especially after being engaged to the guy, would need that time to unload some stuff from the last relationship and help to clear her mind and help get her life back in focus.

Quoted for truth. I was a non-believer who had been in a long term relationship with someone, was engaged, and was living with them, and after we broke up the last thing I wanted to do was get into another relationship. Then, when I became a Christian later on, the changes in my life did not happen overnight. That was in 2002 that I became a Christian and I still feel like I have TONS more to learn and lots of changes to continue working on.

Also, when I was an athiest, I was not interested in dating Christians. Christians pretty much freaked me out, to be honest.

In regards to dating people with different beliefs and then marrying them. Here is an example of the result of what can happen with that..

[EDIT]

Ok, I posted a link to a thread on a different forum, but the link didn't seem to work. Here's a quote from what the guy said:

And supremely frustrating was the religious split in my family. My father believed in Allah, my mother in Jesus. My father insisted that my mother was a Muslim because it's somehow tranmissible by marriage (), but my mother attended church from time to time. I remember believing in Jesus, but hoping Allah was the true God. If Allah is God, he's going to be displeased with my mother. If Jesus is God, I rationalized, he's going to send my dad to hell. Were the Bible true, no matter where I ended up in the afterlife, I could only take one parent with me.

 

[Sleak]

You all make very good points there. Its great to hear the views of other Christians when you feel stuck in a rut.
I now have a lot of thinking to do regarding this, but thankfully to your help, I should be able to make a more educated decision!

thank you all again,

Rhys

 

[Silver-winged Flyer]

You all make very good points there. Its great to hear the views of other Christians when you feel stuck in a rut.
I now have a lot of thinking to do regarding this, but thankfully to your help, I should be able to make a more educated decision!

thank you all again,

Rhys

I hope that everything works out for you. Remember the best thing to do is pray and ask for God's guidance.

 

[Sleak]

Seems the feelings I have for her are not returned.
I am totally lost right now and feel there is a huge hole in me. I have no idea what to do now. the right thing would be to not see her again, but that isnt possible as she is part of my circle of friends and I dont have a choice in seeing her. I should stop talking to her so much but that hurts too much.

I guess its good I have an answer now though, just that I dont want to move on.

Rhys

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

man why do we do this to ourselves as humans. Really makes me wonder what God thinks as he did create us this way after all.

Sorry for what you are going through. I've been there before myself.

 

[Silhillian]

Hi there, sorry to hear that things didn't work out. I'm in the same position myself, so I know it's tough. Unfortunately life doesn't stop for a breather, so I'm afraid that you're going to have to grit your teeth and keep going.

It hurts for you to talk to her less, but it may also help you so that you're not torturing yourself talking to her and saying "if only..." - maybe less time with her would help your feelings to settle down until you are comfy to be just friends.

Have faith and pray, and remember "time heals all wounds"

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Seems the feelings I have for her are not returned.
I am totally lost right now and feel there is a huge hole in me. I have no idea what to do now. the right thing would be to not see her again, but that isnt possible as she is part of my circle of friends and I dont have a choice in seeing her. I should stop talking to her so much but that hurts too much.

I guess its good I have an answer now though, just that I dont want to move on.

Rhys

Maybe give yourself about 60 days of limited contact. That is what I did in 2005 when I went through a situation somewhat similar to yours (I had feelings for my best friend of 6 years and I found out they were not reciprocated and that he was getting into a new relationship). It was pretty rough not talking to him at first because he had been a daily part of my life for several years, but I got to sort through my emotions (and not take it out on him, since we weren't communicating). Also, during that time, I picked myself up by making myself spend time with other (female) friends, doing volunteer work, concentrating on school, reading my Bible, and getting out more. I learned that I could be happy without him and that it was possible to move on. I decided not to try and keep talking to him after the 60 days were through. It still took about a year to really be able to look back on that situation and not be sad.

 

[Balugon]

Like said I. Get some buddies to pray for ya. U dont have to tell them what its about, probably better not to. Just say ur down and would like a pick me up from the Lord, it could help a lot.

And God may have allowed her to say no on purpose because it was in ur best interests. So on down the road when/if u do meet mrs. right, ull be mighty thankful she didnt let u have a relationship with her.

But yea, i would just take some time off of the friendship for a bit. And i would probably tell her in advance, in an email would probably work best. Just tell her ur just a little down because of some hopes that fell through, but that u still appreciate her as a friend, but need some time to recoup ur thoughts.