I'm confused about this polyamory

[andre30000]

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend because she wanted me to become polyamory.
According to them:
"If my partner really loved me, there would not be any desire for an intimate or sexual relationship with anyone else.

This is based on the scarcity model of love, in which a partner's emotional or love interest in somebody else means that I will be loved less. It is as absurd as the idea that to have a second child is an indication that you don't love your first child enough. It also presumes that sex and love are the same thing and meet the same needs."


Now I know there's something terribly wrong with the definition of love in these people mind.


Apparently,loving someone and telling them they'r the only ones is selfish because it is possessive by nature.Being faithfull and expecting faithfullness is selfish act.I dont understand anymore.These people always come up with arguments to justify theyr needs.According to them ,one person can't fullfill all my needs.


I see these people as narcissistic and childish and self destructive.I always thought that when I trully love someone I commit to them ,not out of obligation,but because I want to.Why would I be interested in running around like selfish dog.This is not even manly.


And all they're silly arguments,to me they sound like some people fishing for reasons that support theyr lifestyle.Recently I had to hear how homosexuality and sado masochisim is natural and healthy.And all this coming from a person who was quoting a Chinese proverb"One must show things for what they are".


In the end what I'm tryng to say is,WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

How can they be so serious with theyr beliefs,am I crazy or are they crazy.Or mainly we're all crazy.For the past 4 months I ve been loosing my mind.And I ve considered living alone for the rest of my life.

The fact is I'm only 19 and I'm terribly afraid that one day I too will become one of these poly people.It frightens me enormously.

So far all the advice I've been getting is that I should understand that I'm an animal and like all animals it is natural for me to be like that.

Can anyone explain to me,why love between 2 people isnt selfish.I know it isnt,i just dont get why.On the other hand I know for sure that this polywhatever is complete bull.It's incredibly obvious.Love for a child or a friend is not the same as love between man and woman.And sex is not a seperate thing.

Thank you all for listening.(reading)

 

[childofGod31]

You are right. Love between a man and a woman is a sacred union of two hearts and two bodies into one. They pledge themselves to be faithful forever to each other. They become a part of each other. They become ONE.


Whatever else people say is not of God and is not God approved. And of course most peolple don't seek God's approval and come up with all kinds of perverted ideas.

MAT 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

MAT 19:5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh

Here are the people of the world (with exceptions)

ROM 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.
27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
28 Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.
29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,
30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;
31 they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.
32 Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

 

[freeport]

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend because she wanted me to become polyamory.
According to them:
"If my partner really loved me, there would not be any desire for an intimate or sexual relationship with anyone else.

This is based on the scarcity model of love, in which a partner's emotional or love interest in somebody else means that I will be loved less. It is as absurd as the idea that to have a second child is an indication that you don't love your first child enough. It also presumes that sex and love are the same thing and meet the same needs."


Now I know there's something terribly wrong with the definition of love in these people mind.


Apparently,loving someone and telling them they'r the only ones is selfish because it is possessive by nature.Being faithfull and expecting faithfullness is selfish act.I dont understand anymore.These people always come up with arguments to justify theyr needs.According to them ,one person can't fullfill all my needs.


I see these people as narcissistic and childish and self destructive.I always thought that when I trully love someone I commit to them ,not out of obligation,but because I want to.Why would I be interested in running around like selfish dog.This is not even manly.


And all they're silly arguments,to me they sound like some people fishing for reasons that support theyr lifestyle.Recently I had to hear how homosexuality and sado masochisim is natural and healthy.And all this coming from a person who was quoting a Chinese proverb"One must show things for what they are".


In the end what I'm tryng to say is,WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

How can they be so serious with theyr beliefs,am I crazy or are they crazy.Or mainly we're all crazy.For the past 4 months I ve been loosing my mind.And I ve considered living alone for the rest of my life.

The fact is I'm only 19 and I'm terribly afraid that one day I too will become one of these poly people.It frightens me enormously.

So far all the advice I've been getting is that I should understand that I'm an animal and like all animals it is natural for me to be like that.

Can anyone explain to me,why love between 2 people isnt selfish.I know it isnt,i just dont get why.On the other hand I know for sure that this polywhatever is complete bull.It's incredibly obvious.Love for a child or a friend is not the same as love between man and woman.And sex is not a seperate thing.

Thank you all for listening.(reading)

Huh? Sloooow down.

1. She confused you. Why, I do not know. It does not make sense.
2. A relationship between a man and a woman is 'for godly offspring'. This is about having a *relationship*. Raising the kids. Getting along while doing so. Sharing the love each one has for the kids. Kids are a product of a loving union, a sacred union.
3. Christian love, "charity" is a word I like to use because people get confused is apart from the flesh. It is related to romantic love. It is related to love one has for one's children. It is related to love has for one's family or good friends. But, it is not of the flesh. The flesh is invariably selfish. There is a reason to have love for one's wife, family, friends, kin and kind which benefits a person's fleshly needs.
4. Like love between a man and a woman, love from God, through the Spirit of Love, the Spirit of God... is intensely jealous. That jealousy is not from selfishness but is because everything of God is good for you. Eternally.

Love between a man and a woman is jealous because it jeopardizes the children. A woman who sleeps with another man puts the children possible or with that other man equal with the children of the husband. This hurts the children. The husband would not want the children to be hurt.

As a "for instance".

Likewise, with husbands.

Further, when two people union they share their will. Now, the man must think of the wife's will and the wife must think of the husband's will. If one of them commits adultery they break that will. They break or start to break that union.

You see this in movies (and in true crime shows), where someone in a couple sleeps with someone else... and then turns against the husband.

It is therefore horribly selfish to break loyalty with someone you have united with simply to go and fulfill fleshly desires.



No wonder, then, of course, they would falsely condemn you. That is what hypocrites do. They project their own sins onto others -- even while not seeing that these are their own sins.

Hypocrites reveal the secrets of their own hearts when they falsely accuse.

One could say this is because they think everyone else is like them. Or, that they are blind to their own sin yet see through the filter of it.

(If they truly saw their own sin, they would repent of it.)


Uncomfortable place to be, but that is the nature of sin.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she used you royally, then she falsely accused you in such a way that it has even made you confused.


They are completely crazy and total fools. Such people have unbridled lusts and burnt out consciences. They have no concept of the meaning or depth of a real relationship.

They are dividing what God united.


Does this make them happy? Not any more then a heroin addict is happy. Brief buzz of happiness which flutters away. No loyalty, no shared goals, no life together. No living a life together looking towards the future. Together. And working towards that.

So, what would happen to the kids -- even if they ever had any?

That is a very shallow existence.


Christian love, which is real love, is about commitment to God which we show to those who share that love or will share that love. It is the expression of God - who is love - to each other. Sex is not doing anyone that anyone then shooting someone up with some heroin is. In fact, it ruins it.

Maybe you had a happy family growing up. If not, I am sorry. But, a happy family is an awesome thing... and the way things are meant to be. The husband and wife work together as a team towards consolidated goals. Jobs, houses, kids, food, entertainment... they share their lives together.

For people to run around is to destroy all that. And it sends out a message to society that is against happy families. It contaminates happy families. It is a message of destruction, not one of creation. The Devil's name is "The Destroyer". Those who do evil... and those who have created evil... send out a message that "God is not good". They are created by God. God owns them. And they abuse His Name. People who have problems believing in God do so because of such wicked people (and angels).

 

[heron]

Don't ever agree with someone just because they are a stronger intimidator. It will eventually make an intimidator out of you.

And you do not have to fear becoming poly. Fear opens doors, and you know that's one you don't want to open. So close it! Find some new friends, and let your old friends figure it out over time.

Polygamists die from sharing diseases. That is reason enough. Terminally ill or putting up with intimidation... hm let me think.

Love between a man and a woman is jealous because it jeopardizes the children. A woman who sleeps with another man puts the children possible or with that other man equal with the children of the husband. This hurts the children. The husband would not want the children to be hurt.

Building this situation closer to daily life, what if your girlfriend got pregnant? Who would take care of the baby... go for the DNA test... pay for day care, braces, college, weddings.

You might not be planning for children, but surprise surprise, that's what intimacy leads to. Even if birth control works 98 percent of the time, that means two out of a hundred times it doesn't.

Polyamorists are dreaming if they think there are no consequences.

 

[heron]

I'm an animal and like all animals it is natural for me to be like that.

Some animal monogamy goes with the breeding seasons. Some pairs mate for life. Some species limit their mates to a few close ones. It is not true that all animals are polygamous.

Many animals have an infrequent estrous cycle -- are drawn to each other when the female is in heat.

This idea of entertainment pleasure and cross-pollination is just a social excuse for people to carry on irresponsibly and break with sensibility. There are laws of nature like gravity, that do not heed what people dream up for their own convenience. They can philosophize all they want, but it doesn't change the fact that new humans arise from procreation.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

you don't sound confused about it at all. you sound like you've got your head on straight.

 

[andre30000]

Yes ,thank you everybody.I think I'm gonna stop talking to these people.
I guess what bothers me most is they're confidence in theyr speech.How can someone be that confident when it's painfully obvious that they're wrong.Marriage existed long before Christian times I think.
I don't really unnderstand this thing about being selfish to think that asking someone not to have sex with someone else while in a relationship with you.Or the idea that we should all love the same way.

Isn't everyone scared of where the world is going?The future looks very scary:homosexuality,pedophilia and polygamy all these things are becoming the norm.

Anyway thank you all again,you've helped me much.

 

[heron]

You're old enough to have confidence in your own beliefs too. They are just pushier about it. Some people just have strong personalities, and are good at talking other people into things. That doesn't make them right... I'm sure you know that.

When figuring out what love is, let the word "consideration" float around in your mind. You already have your head on straight.

 

[andre30000]

Yeah,I guess I should.In the past 1 year I kinda strayed a bit from my believs and become unconfident in myself.I guess it's because I was trying to be open minded about what everyone says,and by trying to understand these bizarre people I kinda became lost in my mind.

Anyway thank you all for answering,you've all really helped and if you anymore advice to give me keep me psoted.

thanks again.

 

[Quasicentennial]

God's love is family and friendship in spirit, not in flesh. Love in the flesh is between an adult man and woman only as God intended. But what messed up that love was Satan's sneaky attack on Adam and Eve, deceiving them into biting the fruit that would open their minds to freedom love with anyone. God created the global flood in Genesis to destroy lust-mindedness. The global flood would not happen again because God knows our future and that many people will become Christians, judging by the many Christian television channels coming from United States to the world, such as Benny Hinn, Life Today and also Australia's Hillsong TV.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Polyamory is another word for promiscuous, ie I just want to tell you up front that I am polyamorous (a [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]). Since lots of people aren't really sure about what it means it is more socially acceptable. They use the 'people are animals' rationalization and a few others to rationalize their lifestyle. Most of these people appear confident but inside they are not which is why they seek validation externally by being polyamorous. They don't have the trust and self confidence to put all their eggs in one relationship basket, so to speak.

 

[Sketcher]

You're not the one who is crazy or maladjusted.

Have nothing to do with them. Pray for them maybe, but do not feel guilty about keeping away from them and their perverse lifestyle. It destroys the people who indulge in it sooner or later. Only God can free them.

 

[GQ Chris]

The way I think about it... lets see... she wants to be with me and some other chaps? Yeah, nuh uh, that isn't gonna work. Real easy decision for me.

 

[Serendipity37]

I understand, you're only 19. That's just a very young age to be trying to understand the complexities of romantic love, on top of the deep devotion that comes with religion and spirituality. And then to have those two feel conflicting with your human nature on top of all of it! No wonder you're confused!

First of all, understand that Polyamory is not for everyone. Jealousy isn't a product of God, its a product of human nature. The same way that sexuality is a product of human nature. Jealousy is actually a number of feelings all balled into one, it begins with our efficiency as a species, for example, those with the natural tendency to BE jealous when their mate is interacting with another attractive possible mate, tend to react possessively and do everything in their power to make sure that their partner is doing what's best for their own offspring, preserving their own lineage and genetic material. That's just how an efficient species behaves.

On TOP of that, we've got the insecurity of being afraid that if our loved ones love others, they'll leave us. And even still, we have our culture telling us that its GOOD to feel jealous, when really jealousy is a petty and kind of angry bad feeling. No one likes to feel jealous, its just not a good thing.

Polyamory isn't all about sex, and not even about just romance either. Its about understanding that all relationships are unique, and indeed no ONE person can fulfill all you'll ever need to grow as a person. It recognizes that love comes in many forms. The way you love God is not the way that you love you parents, and its not the way you love your boyfriend or girlfriend, which is not at all like the way you would love a child, and not the way you love your friends. But we are allowed to have love lots of children, and love lots of friends, and love lots of people. For some, its even right to love lots of gods.

You need/want the love of friends, the love of your family, and the love of a romantic partner in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. And there's also nothing wrong with understanding that no ONE of these people in your life will fulfill all the other roles. That's why we have different rolls like friends/lovers/family. All loves are different and all of them are valid and important if they bring positivity to your life and help you grow as a person.

Polyamorous people extend this to understand that the romantic love of one person isn't like the romantic love of another person, and one cannot replace the other. And so long as this holds true, its not wrong to love multiple people romantically. Yes, sometimes sex is involved, because sometimes that's where romantic love leads us.

However, don't let anyone tell you that you should be polyamorous. Don't feel like you should have to be just to keep someone's love. That's forcing yourself to do something you're not ready for and not happy with and maybe its just not what is right for you as a person. But do understand that for some people, that's what fits into their lives, and that's what helps them grow in love. If someone you love tells you that they need to be Poly to be happy, respect that, and tell them that its just not for you, and that you hope that they find happiness that way. Its sad to leave them, and you may still love them, but if your ideals and needs to match up, then it would be too painful to stay close to that person.

As to some of the comments about it being an excuse for promiscuity or being insecure on the inside. Its not all about the sex, sometimes its about just being free to love lots of people. It doesn't have to be sexual. It requires SO much self knowledge to accept that you as a person are happy and fulfilled of your own power (of if you're Christian of God's power) and not by the power of other people. Its a faith in yourself and your ability to make life work for you, and that the uncertainty of love, or mortality, or growing apart from people is not overwhelming. That no matter what comes, you CAN survive and be a happy person. Whether that facility is in you, or in the Love that God gives you, it means you must have faith.

Yes, some people us it as an excuse to have sex or flounder or flip flop from person to person without repercussion. But there are ALWAYS repercussions to being that careless with people's (and your own) heart. Not all people who claim to be Poly are like that. I can tell you that for sure.

 

[andre30000]

I understand, you're only 19. That's just a very young age to be trying to understand the complexities of romantic love, on top of the deep devotion that comes with religion and spirituality. And then to have those two feel conflicting with your human nature on top of all of it! No wonder you're confused!

First of all, understand that Polyamory is not for everyone. Jealousy isn't a product of God, its a product of human nature. The same way that sexuality is a product of human nature. Jealousy is actually a number of feelings all balled into one, it begins with our efficiency as a species, for example, those with the natural tendency to BE jealous when their mate is interacting with another attractive possible mate, tend to react possessively and do everything in their power to make sure that their partner is doing what's best for their own offspring, preserving their own lineage and genetic material. That's just how an efficient species behaves.

On TOP of that, we've got the insecurity of being afraid that if our loved ones love others, they'll leave us. And even still, we have our culture telling us that its GOOD to feel jealous, when really jealousy is a petty and kind of angry bad feeling. No one likes to feel jealous, its just not a good thing.

Polyamory isn't all about sex, and not even about just romance either. Its about understanding that all relationships are unique, and indeed no ONE person can fulfill all you'll ever need to grow as a person. It recognizes that love comes in many forms. The way you love God is not the way that you love you parents, and its not the way you love your boyfriend or girlfriend, which is not at all like the way you would love a child, and not the way you love your friends. But we are allowed to have love lots of children, and love lots of friends, and love lots of people. For some, its even right to love lots of gods.

You need/want the love of friends, the love of your family, and the love of a romantic partner in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. And there's also nothing wrong with understanding that no ONE of these people in your life will fulfill all the other roles. That's why we have different rolls like friends/lovers/family. All loves are different and all of them are valid and important if they bring positivity to your life and help you grow as a person.

Polyamorous people extend this to understand that the romantic love of one person isn't like the romantic love of another person, and one cannot replace the other. And so long as this holds true, its not wrong to love multiple people romantically. Yes, sometimes sex is involved, because sometimes that's where romantic love leads us.

However, don't let anyone tell you that you should be polyamorous. Don't feel like you should have to be just to keep someone's love. That's forcing yourself to do something you're not ready for and not happy with and maybe its just not what is right for you as a person. But do understand that for some people, that's what fits into their lives, and that's what helps them grow in love. If someone you love tells you that they need to be Poly to be happy, respect that, and tell them that its just not for you, and that you hope that they find happiness that way. Its sad to leave them, and you may still love them, but if your ideals and needs to match up, then it would be too painful to stay close to that person.

As to some of the comments about it being an excuse for promiscuity or being insecure on the inside. Its not all about the sex, sometimes its about just being free to love lots of people. It doesn't have to be sexual. It requires SO much self knowledge to accept that you as a person are happy and fulfilled of your own power (of if you're Christian of God's power) and not by the power of other people. Its a faith in yourself and your ability to make life work for you, and that the uncertainty of love, or mortality, or growing apart from people is not overwhelming. That no matter what comes, you CAN survive and be a happy person. Whether that facility is in you, or in the Love that God gives you, it means you must have faith.

Yes, some people us it as an excuse to have sex or flounder or flip flop from person to person without repercussion. But there are ALWAYS repercussions to being that careless with people's (and your own) heart. Not all people who claim to be Poly are like that. I can tell you that for sure.

Lol,did you just come on this site out of nowhere to justify something that is very stupid.
You can't be romantically in love with more then one person.
It involves using people to fulfill your needs.
Why would you fall in love with more then one person.What you say has no meaning.
You can't compare love of a child or a family member with romantic love.
If I spend a long time analyzing polyamory ,and I went to the library and read a lot of books.I've realized that is based on a childish narcissistic need to have people fulfill the roles in your life.

 

[Sketcher]

First of all, understand that Polyamory is not for everyone. Jealousy isn't a product of God, its a product of human nature.

God is a jealous God.

The same way that sexuality is a product of human nature.

Human sexuality was created by God for a purpose. Promiscuity and cheating are way outside that purpose.

 

[andre30000]

God is a jealous God.


Human sexuality was created by God for a purpose. Promiscuity and cheating are way outside that purpose.

What do you mean God is jelous.
I personally think that when you know the person you love is leeping with someone else or having "romantic" connections.You don't really feel jelous,you feel used.
It's one thing when you love someone entirely and only them for everything they've got and different when you "love" someone and your open to new relations.
I think the man who loves his wife and is faithfull to her because he feels like it loves more then the man who "loves" his wife and yet he is open to loving others.

Besides,"falling in love" is not love.
A person can fall in love multiple times at once if she doesn't understand what love is.

 

[andre30000]

On TOP of that, we've got the insecurity of being afraid that if our loved ones love others, they'll leave us. And even still, we have our culture telling us that its GOOD to feel jealous, when really jealousy is a petty and kind of angry bad feeling. No one likes to feel jealous, its just not a good thing.

Speak for yourself.lol

 

[Sketcher]

What do you mean God is jelous.

Exodus 34:14 and Deuteronomy 4:23-24 say it outright.

 

[freeport]

First of all, understand that Polyamory is not for everyone. Jealousy isn't a product of God, its a product of human nature.

I did a quick search at Bible gateway...

Exodus 20:5

1. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
   Exodus 20:4-6 (in Context) Exodus 20 (Whole Chapter)
2. Exodus 34:14
   
   Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
   Exodus 34:13-15 (in Context) Exodus 34 (Whole Chapter)
3. Deuteronomy 4:24
   
   For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.
   Deuteronomy 4:23-25 (in Context) Deuteronomy 4 (Whole Chapter)
4. Deuteronomy 5:9
   
   You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
   Deuteronomy 5:8-10 (in Context) Deuteronomy 5 (Whole Chapter)
5. Deuteronomy 6:15
   
   for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land.
   Deuteronomy 6:14-16 (in Context) Deuteronomy 6 (Whole Chapter)
6. Deuteronomy 32:16
   
   They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols.
   Deuteronomy 32:15-17 (in Context) Deuteronomy 32 (Whole Chapter)
7. Deuteronomy 32:21
   
   They made me jealous by what is no god and angered me with their worthless idols. I will make them envious by those who are not a people; I will make them angry by a nation that has no understanding.
   Deuteronomy 32:20-22 (in Context) Deuteronomy 32 (Whole Chapter)
8. Joshua 24:19
   
   Joshua said to the people, "You are not able to serve the LORD. He is a holy God; he is a jealous God. He will not forgive your rebellion and your sins.
   Joshua 24:18-20 (in Context) Joshua 24 (Whole Chapter)
9. Ezekiel 8:3
   
   He stretched out what looked like a hand and took me by the hair of my head. The Spirit lifted me up between earth and heaven and in visions of God he took me to Jerusalem, to the entrance to the north gate of the inner court, where the idol that provokes to jealousy stood.
   Ezekiel 8:2-4 (in Context) Ezekiel 8 (Whole Chapter)
10. Nahum 1:2
    
    [ The Lord 's Anger Against Nineveh ] The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies.
    Nahum 1:1-3 (in Context) Nahum 1 (Whole Chapter)

There are exceptions to every rule. We are not under Law, or any static Law, but in a fluid, dynamic situation.


For instance, was it wrong for David to have a lot of wives, or Solomon? I don't think so.

That is contextual. 'All things are permissable, not all things are beneficial'.


We have to think on the will of God... and as James points out though the Spirit in us 'is intensely jealous, He gives grace to the humble'.

I think the main thing in this guy's situation is he doesn't deserve the slights. A regular guy doesn't want some woman he can't depend on. Who would have time for multiple wives (or husbands) or even want it -- as if sex is the main component, the reason, for relationships.


In my opinion, the real ecstasy of sex comes from what it stands for: a sort of compounded looking ahead to the children it potentially creates. A brief, profound taste of the future of a child... but the joy which comes from a child is far, far more then that.

That is daily, static, continual.