I Really Need Guidance - Social Dilemma

[xDoglate]

I'm hoping that I can get some Christian guidance about a big problem I am facing. It may sound silly, but I think it's causing me so much stress that I've become ill, and I don't know how to resolve it or where to go about it.

I am eighteen years old, female, senior in high school. This is my very first year-- and also my last-- in public school, and it is quite a transition from private Christian schools. I've been getting along fine until recently, but I am going to start at the beginning of the problem, so just hear me out, please.

I've never dated before. (This is not quite a dating question, again, just hear me out.) I try my best not to be envious when I see couples together. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't find the right person, or too often, someone who I believe could be a good guy to be with doesn't take a liking to me at all. So, I prayed about it. I mean, Adam asked God for a mate when he was lonely, why couldn't I? A month or so afterwards, this guy in my art class began speaking to me, and it's obvious that he likes me. I enjoy his company and am thankful for a friend in this foreign place, but I don't know if I like him back. I kind of feel like I want to, and I feel like it is no coincidence that we've developed a friendship.

One of the problems is, I don't know if "we" would work. He doesn't seem like someone I could marry, and problem two, I do have my eyes set on another guy, so I don't want to say "no, I'm not ready" and then go get with someone else.

Finally, problem three and the main reason for this thread, the other day the guy from my art class told me that he's a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I don't know what to do or think about this. As I mentioned before, I feel like God's hand has started the situation and I may be here for a reason, but I also feel completely on my own for how to solve it. I don't want to say that God has abandoned me, but. . .

Now, I don't want to turn the kid away, if I was put here to help him. He's said he's not as bad as he used to be. This also affects the previous problems I mentioned above. Now if I do like him and we were brought together, how can I manage this in the future? I don't believe that being a "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" is a pure psycological disorder. I believe that hurting oneself is sinful, so why would God give someone a disorder to sin? I mean, he's fully functional, engaged in social activities and the like-- I believe such a thing as this is a choice.

I genuinely care about the guy, I don't want to hurt him or for him to get hurt; I wish the best for all people I come across. But I don't know how to go about this situation or what do to for God. Every time I think about this situation, I shake (even now), and I can't express how unprepared I am for such a challenge. I'm just a lonely, teenage girl who seems to make a mistake in everything I do. Now I'm in another deep situation and I don't know if I can cope with it.

Thank you.

 

[USCGrad90]

I'm a dad of a daughter in her second year of college, a son who is a Junior in HS, and a daughter in 8th grade, so I hope I can give you a decent perspective. I've also been married for 22 years, so I hope that counts for something.

First - Have you talked to your parents? I'm not sure of how your relationship with them is, but if it's pretty good, they will give you a perspective that is centered around your best interests. If you feel like you can't talk with your parents, you should try to talk with a guidance counselor, teacher, minister or another adult that you trust for advice. Some of us on here definitely care and will offer advice - but it is not the same as you talking with someone face to face.

Second - Realize that you don't have to feel responsible for "fixing" this guy's problems. God may have put you there to be a friend, allow him to open up to someone about his problems, and allow you to help him get the help he needs. So be careful that your compassion for his situation does not override your feelings that you may not necessarily be right to date each other. If you can't see yourself marrying this guy, then there's likely something there that you are sensing is not right.

Third - Make sure you are NOT dating - just to date. My daughter dated a couple of guys in HS that turned out to be real jerks. I never stopped her from dating them, but made sure I was there for her when they were gone. She wanted a good relationship, but most guys were into their own interests and were not looking at the long term. I finally explained to her that she would likely find someone serious in college, because he would have similar goals and motivation for his life. She now is dating someone I believe will one day become her husband. He is a Christian and understands putting her before himself. He also is her best friend and is career oriented in his path.

Fourth - Understand that even though it feels hard, God will place the right person in your path at the right time. My son has really wanted a girfriend for a few years now. Everytime he gets close, he finds out that they don't have the same view on life or love of God that he does. He is a nice looking, athletic guy that has lots of girls interested, but they have turned out not to be the girl that is right for him. One girl called him while she was drunk - before they even had a first date - so he told her they shouldn't even bother. Another that he dated a few times wanted to get physical, so he broke up. She ended up pregnant by some guy this year. He just can't seem to find a girl who is interested in a meaningful relationship. Realize that you may be lonely, but are not alone in how you feel.

I think you should be honest with the guy and tell him you consider him a friend, but are concerned about what he has told you.

You can try to find out what he is doing to address his problems and whether or not his parents know or are involved in helping him. He may deny the issue or your attempt to help, but it sounds like he needs a qualified therapist to help him. Some of his problem may come from his childhood experiences, or family, but that is not for you to determine.

Not sure if all of this makes sense or answers everything, but I hope it helps

 

[skypair]

xDog…

First off, it is a bit early to start "pairing up" forever. What you should be looking for is a stable Christian who has an actual future in life — like college, career, spiritual life. Until then, you are learning how to pick the right guy so take this as "lesson #1."

That he is a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] tells me that he either a) doesn't like himself (so how is he going to love you rather than just "lust" you) and/or b) that he simply wants attention (like the boy who threw himself into the fire in scriptures).

These are both problematic and call for him to understand that God loves him and wants to save him out of his sin. I know from experience that you cannot love others the way you should unless you love God and love yourself. And wanting attention, when it comes to masochism, seems like it could be demonic. Either way, he needs counseling, IMO.

What you might do is invite him to go to your church or even go with you to church or teen ministry events.

skypair

 

[miamited]

Hi xdoglate,

I agree pretty much with the previous posters but...

While the world does seem to be all about pushing boys and girls to 'date' as soon as they are out of diapers, my encouragement would be that you want to be careful that envy of the world isn't at the center of your heart.

I cringe when I hear parents of toddlers saying how their little Beth or Johnny has a girlfriend or boyfriend. You have a lot of life ahead of you and your goal right now should be to study and learn and hopefully seek a good college major somewhere. It's ok to just have friends and to be a friend. Yes, I know that's not what most of your friends would say, but keep in mind that they are just as young and inexperienced about life as you are.

Secondly, as a believer, we are not to be unequally yoked. The very first rule for you to measure a prospective date or husband by is whether or not they are also strong in the faith that leads to the one true and living God. More problems in 'christian' marriages come about because one or the other did not follow this simple but hard command. Do not be unequally yoked! So, for your [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] friend, if you want to be a friend to him that's fine, but don't even consider anything beyond that. Just write down on a piece of paper: This guy is not equally yoked with me.

Will you have lonely days? Yes, probably. Will you feel like you don't fit 'in'? Yes, probably. But 'fitting in' isn't what being a born again believer is about. We are different. We think differently and we believe in a different truth than most everyone else. It just is!

These days of school can be so very, very difficult for young people, but they also can make mistakes that will effect the rest of their lives. Be careful and prayerful.

God bless you.
In Christ, Ted

 

[miamited]

Hey USC grad,

My son will graduate Clemson this coming spring. GO TIGERS!!!!! Did you donate blood for the blood bowl?

God bless you.
In Christ, Ted

 

[Rhamiel]

I will keep you in my prayers my dear sister in Christ

you ask a lot of interesting and deep questions
you sound like a very thoughtful young lady and that is a good thing

I might just be latching onto something, and maybe you will not find this helpful

you used the term "envy" to describe the source of your problems
envy is a subtle form of idolatry
it is to make yourself your own lord
to tell God "I know what is best for my own life"
in the ancient Garden, envy was what the Enemy used to tempt Eve
"you will be like God"
to see what others have and to want it is how the Enemy tricks us
because we only see so little but we think we understand so much

oh my
I hope my words to not sound to harsh
I do not think you are a horrible person
I struggle with envy, and that is how I am able to speak on how it can twist a person up

I will also pray for the young man who is a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
you say " I believe that hurting oneself is sinful, so why would God give someone a disorder to sin?"

is not all temptation a disorder to sin in some way?

people who lust
people who have wrath
people who are slothful
people who are greedy
all of these are "disorders" of a spiritual nature that lead to sin

1 Corinthians 1:27
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

all of these disorders bring glory to God
because though being faithful to Him, allowing Him to work though us
we can join with Christ in the victory over sin and death, to become co-heirs with Jesus
to show the world that we worship the God who saves, that we are weak, and that He has done great things for us, He has overcome our fallen nature, our sinful inclinations, He has defeated death and sin

does he see his masochism as a problem or does he "accept it" as "part of him"?

If he sees this as a psychological problem and He asks the Lord for healing and forgiveness, well that is one thing
we all have temptations
some people get drunk
some people sleep around
some cut themselves

all of these are unhealthy and sinful
but Jesus came to save sinners
so does your friend understand that self harm is sinful?
we all have sins, we all need to be forgiven
but if he does not seek Jesus and forgiveness, that is far more serious a problem then even masochism

 

[food4thought]

Hi XDoglate;

Lot's of good advice here, but when I read the responses to your post it seemed to me that there may be a bit of a misunderstanding... the boy in Art class might have been trying to make a joke about himself, not literally meaning he hates himself and likes to cause himself pain. I could be wrong on that, and if he is a literal [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] it's definitely a big "NO" in the boyfriend front (but you already knew that). I would just try to be sure he was actually serious before I go talking to the school counselor about it.

Just in case your parents haven't told you, the High School social atmosphere is nothing like real life... for the most part, people grow up and stop being so petty and mean toward others, and the whole cliques thing tends to wind down after high school. What matters in the long run is that you learn to be a good student (you will always be learning new things), to relate to people (people skills are a wonderful asset in adult life), stay out of major trouble (obviously), and try to represent the love of Christ.

Oh, and if you really have your eyes on another guy, it's wrong to lead the art class guy along... being friends is cool, though.

Hope this helps.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Sounds like you have a lot of doubts and it may not be a good match. I don't know if you tend to overthink and let anxiety rule you though, especially at that age (it's common), so I can't say for sure.

 

[98cwitr]

Whatever you do, take it slow!

 

[GeorgiaGuyinAtlanta]

You really shouldn't date a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. This is a form of unhealthy sexual behavior. It is perversion. It is not of God.

I don't think that a Christian boy would be into masochism. Furthermore, sex before marriage is not right, for the Bible says that it is better to marry than burn (with passion).

What you should do is be nice, but don't accept a date from Him. Kindly decline and explain why as a Christian you cannot. You don't want to get into trouble with an ungodly relationship. Christians are not to be unequally yoked.

 

[JLR1300]

My two cents is simply this. The devil never says to us, "Date a non-believer who doesn't love God and who will hurt you in the long run." Instead he says, "Maybe this person isn't perfect for you but if you are really a loving Christian then you have a duty to help this poor boy... so go ahead and go on a few dates." Don't listen to him.