I need some prayer and some advice over Cheating boyfriend...

[Mr.Cheese]

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[BenevolentB]

five years with you and he's fooling around with a married woman and he plays in a praise band?
this guy is a disgrace and is a capsule of all that disgusts me about contemporary christianity.
you can break up with him and move on or you can stay with him while he fools around with other women from church for another five years and still remain unmarried. that's a whole ten years of dating a scumbag! maybe by the time he's forty he'll pop the question and give you a ring to keep you on the hook for another ten years.

Whoa there Over-reactive Oscar...

First of all, what part of my posts did you not get where I made it very clear to him that we were never getting back together? I'm in a good place and even accepted a job offer in the nearest city two hours away.

What he does from this point on is his business. If he wants to fool around with whomever then guess what...not my baggage anymore. What he did was wrong...very wrong. But he can learn from his mistakes if he chooses that path and really has regrets and wants that. If not, like I said...not my problem anymore either way.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

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[Windmill]

Okay,
I've never posted before so here goes.
My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years (I'm 25 and he's 26). When we got together I was not a church going person. I wasn't a bad person by any means, I really didn't do much to get into trouble but I hadn't been to a Church steadily since childhood. However, He had been raised in a Christian home his entire life and was very involved in it. He got me into going to Church, learning about God, learning to trust (I didn't really have good experiences when I took a crack at going in High School) and I found a wonderful church family that I finally felt welcomed and comfortable with. He convinced me that I needed to stop MY bad habits and I was convinced that I had the man that I was going to marry.

One week ago I found out that I was being cheated on. I found very explicit sexual texts between him and a married woman he met at one of his shows (He plays in a Praise and Worship band) and I never thought a situation like this would be as hard as it is. I am wrecked. I broke up with him immediately.

The last texts did end with them discussing their guilt over it and their mutual decision that it needed to stop. He tells me that if we get back together all contact with this woman will cease. If I choose to move on he'll "probably still be pretty good friends with her." Not only do I think that is innappropriate to her young son and clueless husband even though they are seperated but how can you really be "just friends" afterthis? They both were well aware that the other was involved with another person. I felt the comment to be painfully insensitive.

He told me that he was sorry, needed to get back to focusing on God, even told his friends what he had done and was met with their shock (They never took him for that type of guy). He told me that if I chose to work things out then that's what he truly wanted because he still hopes to marry me someday. Yet, I have had aquaintences tell me that he has messaged them on facebook asking them to text and hang out (as in hitting on them). It isn't bad enough that he wrecked everything that we had planned, but does he need to mess with my head too?


I apologize if this is long and I ranted...but I wanted to give a good idea of my situation and would just really appreciate some prayers and advice on how to handle this. This is really taking a toll on me right now...

My concern in reading this is do you want to share him?

Lets face it. We're kinda jealous individuals. I don't even need to stop for a moment to answer "I would not be happy with that" if someone asked me if I would be fine with my boyfriend having feelings for another. No I really would not be fine with it. That in itself has absolutely nothing even to do with whether its right or wrong. Basically, we don't like to share our SO's. We like to be theirs. Wholly theirs.

If he is still going to be "very good friends" with her isn't that a strong indication he still has feelings for her??? He only stopped the texts because he felt "guilty"? If you had been cool with it, would he have liked to continue? Was it purely a sexual thing, or was there some intimacy involved?

Think about it carefully. You don't want to share him, you want to have him to yourself. Its OK to want that. But right now it seriously looks like you wouldn't. Who cares if he stops seeing her? If the feelings are still there that still hurts.

 

[Windmill]

I know you aren't a Christian, but for what it's worth God doesn't want anyone to settle for anything but the very best.
Actually, I am. That's probably one of the few positive things I pulled out of this relationship.

Thank you all for your advice. It really helped me.

I went through a week of being a wreck and then I thought I wanted to forgive him and work it out. Then he decided he needed to fast and pray about it and that he didn't know if we'd get back together but he hadn't ruled it out (For the record, when did he become in control? I'm an idiot) and I decided that I needed to do the same.
Yet it has only been a week and a half and he's already trying to see other people. I made it clear that I didn't want to be friends and he got upset talking about how he was trying to change to maybe fix us someday and what a Glorious end to a 5 yr relationship that we can't even be friends. My apologies, I thought the glorious end to a 5 yr relationship was when you cheated but maybe that's just me. Just sayin' haha

So, I decided he likes to play head games and cut off all ties. Facebook? Deleted. Cell phone? Deleted. You don't try to date anyone you can while trying to decide what to do about another relationship (and supposedly when your focus is God and taking this time to himself as he says). It kind of defeats the purpose. Awesome thing is...I don't even miss him like I thought I would and I really do wish him the best. I pray that he does change because I would hate for the next girl to have to go through what I've been through with him. God bless her heart whomever she is.

Thank you all!

Oh I am so glad to see this. I only read the OP at first. Good choice

 

[lalacait]

BenevolentB,

I was googling "cheating Christian boyfriend" because my boyfriend recently cheated on me. I read your situation, and it's identical to mine. Everything is the same...from the fact that you weren't a Christian before you met him, he's in a band/a ladies' man, to talking about marriage, down to his fasting. It's a little eerie.

The only difference between our situations is that he (claims?) doesn't have contact with the girl he cheated on me with. They do, however, attend the same college (a Christian college, nonetheless!). I'm currently living 2,000 miles away, but will attend the school in January. (Oh, just think about the hesitations and worry clouding my mind!)

I'm struggling with everything, as I'm sure you understand. My heart and mind are riding a crazy emotional rollercoaster -- one day, I want to exercise forgiveness and try to work things out with him, the next I'm ready to leave him. He keeps telling me that he's changing and feels horrible about the man he allowed himself to be, and that he'll never stop fighting for me. I can't trust his word. However, I'm harboring a naive little seedling of hope that he will change.

The night I found out about his cheating, I opened the Bible (for what was the first time in months) and prayed to God for guidance. I opened to Proverbs 2:12-22:

12 Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse,
13 who leave the straight paths
to walk in dark ways,
14 who delight in doing wrong
and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
15 whose paths are crooked
and who are devious in their ways.
16 It will save you also from the adulteress,
from the wayward wife with her seductive words,
17 who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant she made before God.
18 For her house leads down to death
and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
19 None who go to her return
or attain the paths of life.
20 Thus you will walk in the ways of good men
and keep to the paths of the righteous.
21 For the upright will live in the land,
and the blameless will remain in it;
22 but the wicked will be cut off from the land,
and the unfaithful will be torn from it.

I think it's very clear what God was trying to communicate with me. I've been battling with the message for a while, trying to skew the translation into something that will lead me back to my boyfriend. But, I know I need to give in to God. I need to give up on my boyfriend. My heart still feels a strong connection to him, and I fear that I'll be alone while he galavants around town with other girls. I just have to take a leap of faith. I have to put all of my faith in God, however hard it may be.

I believe that me discovering your post is another sign from God. He's speaking to me on all levels, and I need to listen to him. Thank you, for being part of that discovery.

♥ God bless you in future relationships and life.

 

[MLEN]

Please let the relationship go for good (no turning back) and spare yourself anymore agony.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[BenevolentB]

lalacait,

I promise it does get better sweetie. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that it will be soon because it is almost 4 months in for me and I still struggle and I still hurt...but I am better the more that time passes.
I still go through phases where I want to work on it, but I know in my heart that I can't do that. If my boyfriend is sincere about changing then I am thankful for the next girl but to me it was just too big of a risk to marry a "maybe" scenario. I don't want to end up wrong and have my children see the way their father cheats on their mother and have a daughter who believe that is an okay way to be treated, or a son who thinks that is an acceptable way to treat a girl.

I know how it feels and I know what you're going through...I will be praying for you. *hugs*

 

[Kembomani]

sorry to hear that but your best bet is to do what everyone else has suggest and leave.

 

[robinhelm]

You should forgive him, because Christ forgave you for all your sins. However, that doesn't mean that you should take him back. The two are separate things.

 

[margail1009]

I was googling "cheating christian boyfriend" and found this forum. Almost the same thing happened to me.

I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago, he is a very committed Christian. He goes to cell group and church every week.

we were having long distance relationship and we visited each other 3 to 4 times a year until Oct last year I finally decided to quit my job and went to Australia to be with him.

One day, I accidentally opened his email and realized that he has been cheating on me with other girls. And one of them got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I kept silent for two weeks because I have no friends at all in Australia. But then I couldnt stand the pain anymore so I had a big fight with him finally. I even confronted with the other girl asking her why she interferes someone else' relationship. Now I regretted for treating the other girl this way because apparently she thought my boyfriend was single.

Anyhow, I was kicked out from my boyfriends place and moved into a youth hostel for sometime before I fly back home.

After all these incidences, i was still in touch with my boyfriend, trying my best to fix the problem. I am still trying to fix it now but I am getting more and more hopelesss everyday. I cannot forget what happened and I cannot accept that my boyfriend is still in touch with the girl that he cheated on me with. He told me that I was not respecting his right to have friends and he will keep in touch with the girl because she is his friend.
He told me that Christians will trust and be patient with people. Thats why I am not a godly girl because I didnt understand their friendship.

I just hope God can forgive my sin. After I found out what happened, I caused a lot of drama and made everyone suffered.

Please pray for me so that I can see God's sign and let go and move on.

I wanted to love him so much but I just couldnt live in a lie anymore.

 

[Johnnz]

You are forgiven. That was a nasty time. But Jesus is there to continue with you on your life with Him. Don't despair.

John
NZ