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I need some prayer and some advice over Cheating boyfriend...

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by BenevolentB, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    Last edited: Dec 20, 2014
  2. Digit

    Digit Senior Veteran

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    I'm sorry to say but that situation sounds terminal.

    It sounds very much like someone got his hand caught in the cookie jar, and has vowed never to do it again - but only if he can have his cookie back. If he can't, then he will just keep sneaking some crumbs.

    I really don't think you want that or more importantly, deserve that.

    Part of what the Bible says about relationships is that husband and wife build each other up. The wife is sacred, precious and cherished as the person most dear to the husband, and the husband is respected, honoured and loved by the wife too. Obviously I know you are not married, but as a Christian I look towards what God has laid out for me. In respects to a relationship, I look towards how God believes husband and wife should act and treat each other and from what you have described, he was taking you for granted and has only realised that because you are no longer there now.

    I see nothing wrong with trying to help him, but I would not suggest entangling yourself in that relationship again unless there is significant steps made on his behalf to rebuild the trust.

    Corinthians talks about love in the Bible - which is not actually love as we understand it, it's sacrifice. It's about how husband and wife sacrifice of themselves to meet each other's needs. In our culture we often seem to think love is all roses, and if there is fighting, or arguments, then we might not be in love as we thought - but Biblical love is about how you handle those parts of the relationship - real love, true love - gives of itself, to conquer any negative aspects. That's what Christ did for mankind as a whole on the cross, He overthrew sin, through his sacrifice so we had a clear passage back to God.

    Only you and your ex boyfriend will obviously be able to sort through this, but certainly I would suggest great caution. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, whereby her boyfriend was always a bit of a ladies man, and was never willing to restrain himself or work on it for her, or to show her respect or reinforce their trust. She didn't act on it, and unfortunately two years later she discovered he had cheated on her several times.

    I know you aren't a Christian, but for what it's worth God doesn't want anyone to settle for anything but the very best. Christ's sacrifice wasn't so we could live mediocre lives with cheating partners, constant trust issues and a lot of stress - it was so we could live as God intended us to in a perfect loving relationship with a partner who returns everything we give into the relationship and more.

    My equally long two cents. :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2009
  3. Mrs. Luther073082

    Mrs. Luther073082 Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

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    I would cut off all contact with him. I can't believe he thinks it is OK to continue a friendship with her. I'm so sorry this happened to you :hug: I know it is hard to let go of a long term relationship. But I am proud of you for breaking it off immediately. A lot of people seem to struggle with breaking things off right away even when it is obvious that they should. Take some time to heal from this and don't worry, there are plenty of good men out there.
     
  4. Beauty4Ashes

    Beauty4Ashes All that I need, is a song in my heart. . .

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    Hi :wave:

    The fact that he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with remaining good friends with this lady, shows a huge red flag for me. If he was truly intent on restoring his relationship with you and changing his ways, he would understand he needs to leave the relationship with that woman behind, on all accounts. It certainly doesn't sound like he is making you his first priority. You did the right thing by breaking it off with him. Better now, then marry him and have him do something like this again, it will only hurt and devastate you more after marriage.

    My advice, cut off all contact with him and move on. Don't allow yourself to entertain the thought of getting back with him. He obviously makes poor judgement, and is still doing so if he's contacting random people online. Maybe he enjoys the attention but it doesn't sound like he is someone who you can trust to keep a commitment to you. You certainly deserve better. :hug:
     
  5. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran

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    The previous posters pretty much said it all. He has a lot of rethinking to do. Unfortunately that situation is not too uncommon within Christian circles. There are some long standing, very deep seated doctrinal issues behind such behaviour within sections of the Christian community.

    You need to find someone who has convictions and values more akin to your own.

    You will have a lot of pain for a while. That was a massive let down.

    John
    NZ
     
  6. wrestlinglife

    wrestlinglife New Member

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    I'm going to go against everyone on here so I can give you some perspective on both sides of the spectrum .


    June... of this year.. yea .. I got cheated on. I found out my girlfriend was sending rather sexual e mails and of course PICTURES to top it all off to another guy. The guy was from another country and she thought it wasn't a bad thing. I left her . I left town and moved away from her. She tried talking to me and I , angry <staff edit> , tried to process all of this in my mind but what came out of my mouth was the worst cussing that anyone could ever say to another person. I was torn. How could my girl do this to me ? I mean.. wow. I prayed to God , so badly and asked him why he had let her do this to me , and what was I to get of this. I don't know what happened but God told me... to forgive. I thought about it hard and long and I forgave her. I took her back and she regrets what she did. Am I proud of letting her back in my life ? A part of me always says " you shouldn't have done that" , but another side says " you're doing good , forgiveness is always a good thing." Now you can forgive without bringing them back in your life but my girlfriend is really working on herself and being a better person because of it. We all make mistakes. Talk to him and seriously have a conversation on why he did what he did. If you don't like whats coming out of his mouth then you know what to do. Its really up to you. Good luck , God Bless.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2009
  7. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    Last edited: Dec 20, 2014
  8. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran

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    You have done so well.

    Bless you
    John
    NZ
     
  9. Make like OchoCinco and drop kick him through the uprights!!! This dude has no plans to change and even if he will break it off with her, his messages via facebook are indications that he is basically PLANNING his next cheat!
     
  10. LJSGM

    LJSGM Senior Veteran

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    Sorry to say this, but, you should be grateful that you discovered who he was before you married him. It's a blessing.

    Also, after five years, he probably wasn't planning on marrying you.
     
  11. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

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    First of all let me say that you should try to not let this destroy your faith. Some people are fake, and everyone screws up, thats why you have to trust God and not in any human. Because every human will let you down, although not necessarily to the level that this guy has let you down.

    Now in terms of him remaining friends with this person. . . That to me says he isn't even really serious about working things out so its good that you broke up with him and you should avoid contact with him. I think then you need to work on one of the most difficult processes which is to forgive him.

    Now by forgiving him I don't mean "forgetting" and I don't mean getting back together with him either. You don't need to talk to him again to forgive him. But forgiving him is letting go of the anger in your heart associated with what he did. Carrying around your anger is going to hurt you more then it hurts him in the long run. So letting go of it is the best thing for you.

    In terms of your decisions, you've made pretty good decisions. But I hope you can on your own look at some differerent churchs (that he doesn't attend) and try to build up your faith.

    God's blessings.
     
  12. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    I know that. It is really hard though. I have my moments where I feel really good about things and then I feel a lot of anger and as if my heart literally hurts. I feel I have made pretty good decisions but I have my moments like telling all of my friends what happened and then feeling bad because I think...what if he really is trying to change and get closer to God? That shouldn't hang over his head if he is. But then I get that anger and wonder why it should bother me because he made his decisions and this isn't the first time that he's lied to me about other women. People tell me not to lie for him but I have bouts of guilt about it and I feel immature for how I handle it in those times...

    It is also hard because he really was the "nice guy" and nobody would ever have expected this out of him. He wasn't always like this. I don't know. It messes with my head. I also feel guilty for announcing it because I don't want my friends who don't go to Church to think that's how most Church people are. They already think it is weird that I started going in the first place although they respect it.

    He was my best friend. We had good times and minus this cheating thing(That's a big thing. I am aware I cannot go back after that) he was a great boyfriend by all standards. He wants to be friends eventually and I am confused on how I feel about that. I also miss his family they were already like in laws and they considered me a daughter in law without the ring haha they miss me too. He just created one big mess with a moment of weakness...
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2009
  13. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

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    He betrayed you and lied to you. This is the result of betrayal like that. Even if he is trying to get better you have done no wrong in breaking up with him. It would be good for you to pray that he is working on it and getting better. But that doesn't mean that you should be involved in his life.

    Well I don't think you really have to give them details necessarily. You can leave those details on need to know basis. You could say that you don't really want to get into details but he betrayed you. It may be good to do that anyways, it helps prevent gossip. When someone sins against us I belive God wants to keep it on a need to know basis. (Basically only tell people who might be in a position to actually help. And definatly don't tell people that are gonna run off and tell all their friends). I've done stuff that I'm not proud of in the least.

    I don't think you should try to be friends any time soon. 20 years down the road when this has completly emotionally blown over. . . maybe then, maybe. But really I don't think you need to be friends with him. Especially if he's a person that likes to play with people's minds (as it sounds like he is.)

    This is a tough situation obviously and it doesn't just get better overnight. Forgivness won't come overnight either. However forgivness is something you should work towards. It would be ridiculous to carry the anger from this 5 years down the road. It stops you from being able to love him in a Christian way, and it really only hurts you.

    You are making smart, mature, and well thought out decisions though so I commend you on that.

    You've been smart and logical enough that you were able to say, "thats it, its over" and not let him play you further.

    At the same time you haven't expressed any thoughts or desires of running out and trying to get revenge of some sort.
     
  14. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    Oh, believe you me I have had those thoughts of revenge. I think that is only natural to go through that phase of wanting to get him back and make him hurt the way you hurt. The thing to do is supress those feelings and pick up the acoustic. Music is my outlet and it always helps :)

    I really do appreciate the feedback, especially Luther (you're pretty good at this advice thing). I know I will get over this regardless of how it feels right now and I will find something better when the time is right and I'll have a new lesson to take with me.

    P.S. What is your opinion on staying friends with the ex's mother and sister? He says it doesn't bother him, but what his opinion aside. Is it smart?
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2009
  15. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

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    Thats a hard one, its really difficult because contact with them is going to indirectly lead to contact with him. But at the same time they have been supportive of you and havn't done anything to you.

    Its hard for me to answer that. I would say if you are going to do that you should try to keep some amount of distance between you and them. At least intially speaking. Like you might want to keep in touch with them via E-mail or phone, but I wouldn't be running out and hanging out with his sister right away.

    But thats a really tough judgement call I would think.

    Sorry I don't have a real good answer for that one.
     
  16. eatenbylocusts

    eatenbylocusts Senior Veteran

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    That sounds like a pretty good answer.
    Benevolent-you have made some pretty good decisions and I would suggest you don't entertain the thought of keeping him as a friend anytime in the near future.

    I have been in your shoes several times and haven't followed through with good decisions. The last time though, I was sincere in wanting to do and seek God's will. I had several moments of disquiet which led to some down on the knees prayer, thoughts and images that led to a break up. I sent him an email that included what I pictured the right relationship would look like. That included a man getting to know me as a friend, sharing lots of compatibility, recognizing my value and then acting on that realization by not wanting to date anyone else and pursuing me and respecting me because he had found a jewel. That guy came back into my life a few weeks later telling me about him trying to find a male mentor, blah, blah. It was all talk. He started to talk serious, it still didn't feel right and I sought out an elder for prayer after church. Within 2 hours this guy called and confessed he had been living with someone and she had just moved out a few days earlier. Over the next few days he let me know he was finally going to meet with that mentor and anticipated going on a fast from all contact with non-family women for a period of time. We haven't talked since he started that fast, but he tried to contact me by email before the 60 days were up. That feeling of mistrust came up again and just his words in another email seemed to be telling me that slick, talking liar was still at work.

    But, it's all good. I was done with trying to find someone. I needed a rest and was sick of the non-Christian Christians I was meeting online and also the nice ones who didn't have a clue where they were going. I started looking for friends to ride with and got re-aquainted with an online friend I'd been running into for 3 years. I was eating my "we can only be friends" words within 2 months. And the email that I'd sent to the liar about what I visualized the right relationship should look like finally came true.

    There is such a difference in the way my fiance treats me compared to all the other men. Several have been respectful, but my fiance got to know me as a friend with only quick kisses on the cheek and hugs until he was about to burst and sent me a text message asking if there were any mutual feelings beyond friendship. He's been involved with women who lied and cheated or just didn't share his values and he recognized what he was looking for in me. He stopped conversing with other women well before our first kiss. I realize my fiance is spectacular and most men can't compete with him because of the great example of his parents and his age that has helped him gain wisdom, but the right one doesn't come with a bunch of red flags and question marks.
     
  17. bluelime2

    bluelime2 Guest

    Could I also suggest letting his pastor and the leader of the praise and worship team know, because that kind of hypocrisy shouldn't be allowed in any setting.
    This guy is walking in bad territory, he didn't just stick his toe in, and it needs to be brought to the attention of the appropriate people before the damage can become more widespread and public.

    (PS that doesn't mean that anything will necessarily be done in the sitation, but I think that those in charge of the ministry should be aware of exactly what's been going on.)


    And congrats on being so level headed in this. He has behaved so badly but you've done the right thing. I would suggest not being friends again with him either. To me he just doesn't sound trustworthy enough.
     
  18. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    Bluelime, the situation was not okay, but I chose to forgive. Does that mean I need to take him back or have a close friendship? No. But truth be told even good people screw up big sometimes.
    He is working on that without me advertising it. It isn't my place anyway. He has already confessed to the people that can help him get back to where he needs to be and all said and done he's a good guy that got himself in a bad place. Crazy for me to say that, I know. I shocked myself.
    I've known him for a very long time, and he wasn't always like that. He is working on his relationship with God and I've moved past the bitterness. We all fall short. I wouldn't want my screw ups advertised either especially if I'm trying to work on it. Christians aren't perfect and even though I had a very hurtful thing happen to me I don't think he should be demonized for mistakes that even our mutual friends recognize that he's genuinely working on.

    I appreciate the input though. I apologize if I came off in a negative way I really wasn't trying to I just wanted to give an update on how I am doing and viewing the situation. I am healing up nicely I think :)
     
  19. SmileAndAHandshake

    SmileAndAHandshake Senior Veteran

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    Contrary to popular opinion, I believe that not all cheaters are "cheaters for life", and that some people simply get themselves into a bad place, as you've stated here. For instance.. my husband has cheated on someone (not me) in his past. And I have cheated on someone (not him) in my past as well. Neither of us has ever cheated on another person, nor is it even a stray thought that ever enters my mind. It was a stupid situation that came and passed. Stupid choices. It happens.

    So for me, it's not so crazy. Some people really do simply get themselves into bad places. They make stupid decisions that they later realize were absolutely crazy, and they move on. They heal. They make better decisions in the future.

    No one is perfect. Sometimes, we make mistakes that are a lot bigger than we ever could have imagined. For some people, these mistakes can be characteristic of future behavior... for others, they are simply a single mistake they will never repeat. To judge someone on past behavior as an indication of all future behaviors is something I can't stand to see happen.

    I'm glad you're doing well. I hope you are able to work past this. Remember though: If you do find additional warning signs from here on out that there is something wrong with the relationship, don't hesitate to demand full attention to them. It is your right to do so.

    One thought for instance.. if it were me? I wouldn't tolerate my partner being friends with the individual or anyone related to that individual. It's just not appropriate. He should be doing everything humanly possible to regain your trust, and that should include cutting off any friendships tied to this disastrous event.

    And inability to do that, could be a terminal warning sign that you should heed. While I do believe in human fallibility and forgiveness, I also believe that signs a problem is repetitive need to be carefully monitored, and acted on accordingly (ie: relationship ending). Forgiveness and attempting to work it out, does not mean allowing yourself to be a doormat for future issues.
     
  20. BenevolentB

    BenevolentB Newbie

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    BeyondAshes, thank you. I agree, not everyone should be pigeon holed as a typical stereotype for something.

    No, he actually has cut off contact with her after he had about a month to think about things. I made it clear that the relationship is never again going to happen not because I judge him but just because I know it may be hinder a healthy relationship. I'm not sure I won't have it in the back of my head and that's not fair to either one of us. I let him know I needed to do what is right by me and that may exclude a friendship as well, but I'm not ruling that out in the future.