I need some advice from married couples who have been married 20 plus years...?

[Neogaia777]

I need some advice from married couples who have been married 20 plus years...?

What happens when the passion that you originally had gets cold, what happens when that initial "spark" just isn't there anymore, but you know, YOU KNOW you still are in love with this person and want to stay committed to them for life, what happens when you stop having sex, maybe feeling and wondering if that is all the initial relationship was the only thing it was built upon, what happens when you need to find an older, more mature form of intimacy, like intellectual or spiritual intimacy (is what I see is the only thing my wife and I now have) is needed...

Help!

God Bless!

 

[mmksparbud]

The world does not fall apart--I know of many sexless couples. Most are that way because of health issues, it happens more often than you think. They all survived just fine. They said that being celibate actually drew them closer emotionally. Where before they would have sex, now they talk, and cuddle more. They don't have to worry about not being in the mood when the other one is! One couple I know were celibate because he had severe back issues and other health issues that happened when they were in their late 20's! They are together after 35 years. It was definitely harder on her, but she said she prayed that God would remove her "needs" --she said it wasn't that hard after the 1st year. She never strayed.They'd had their only child just before this happened. Love takes care of many things.

 

[Neogaia777]

The world does not fall apart--I know of many sexless couples. Most are that way because of health issues, it happens more often than you think. They all survived just fine. They said that being celibate actually drew them closer emotionally. Where before they would have sex, now they talk, and cuddle more. They don't have to worry about not being in the mood when the other one is! One couple I know were celibate because he had severe back issues and other health issues that happened when they were in their late 20's! They are together after 35 years. It was definitely harder on her, but she said she prayed that God would remove her "needs" --she said it wasn't that hard after the 1st year. She never strayed.They'd had their only child just before this happened. Love takes care of many things.

Thanks, but what held them together? that they talk and cuddle more and are more intimate in that way?

I also need to hear from retired or couples who are both on social security and no longer work, couples that are around each 24/7 and how they do it, cause my wife and I don't work anymore and we run out of things to talk about and cuddling only lasts so long until your sitting there staring at each other in silence, wondering "what now?"

 

[mkgal1]

cause my wife and I don't work anymore

I'm confused...your profile says you're single (and only 37)?

 

[Neogaia777]

I'm confused...your profile says you're single?

My ex-wife and I are now living back with each other and were working on things, like the questions posed in this thread, I haven't updated my profile in awhile...

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I need some advice from married couples who have been married 20 plus years...?

What happens when the passion that you originally had gets cold, what happens when that initial "spark" just isn't there anymore, but you know, YOU KNOW you still are in love with this person and want to stay committed to them for life, what happens when you stop having sex, maybe feeling and wondering if that is all the initial relationship was the only thing it was built upon, what happens when you need to find an older, more mature form of intimacy, like intellectual or spiritual intimacy (is what I see is the only thing my wife and I now have) is needed...

Help!

God Bless!

Hubs and I have only been married 18 years but we're both retired...he's disabled and I quit working (for now). I never felt that "spark" with my husband. Sex was never the basis for our relationship. We started as friends, it grew into a more intimate relationship (sex) and we got married. We always had our own hobbies and interests besides just each other. He does woodworking, drawing, painting and I do the car shows, car cruises, getaways with girlfriends. He's active in men's ministry and I'm active in women's ministry and we're both active with Celebrate Recovery. At times, we spend 24 hours a day with each other, but there are times to get OUT of the house for both of us.

If you've been operating under the idea that sex is the ONLY form of intimacy, I'd have to say you're going to run into trouble in your marriage/relationship. I've always been of the opinion that too many people think those "butterflies in the stomach" mean love when they don't understand that love is a verb. Love is an action, not a feeling. Love means sometimes putting myself aside for my husband and sometimes him putting himself aside for me.

I feel the current emphasis on sex is what is KILLING marriages and bringing an entire generation to ruin by thinking that the minute they don't feel that "spark" anymore it's time to start looking for the next one.

 

[mmksparbud]

I'm confused...your profile says you're single (and only 37)?

I was just about to ask the same thing, however, as I mentioned, that one couple were in their 20's when they went celibate.

Thanks, but what held them together? that they talk and cuddle more and are more intimate in that way?

I also need to hear from retired or couples who are both on social security and no longer work, couples that are around each 24/7 and how they do it, cause my wife and I don't work anymore and we run out of things to talk about and cuddling only lasts so long until your sitting there staring at each other in silence, wondering "what now?"

You're obviously not comfortable with each other. My husband and I have been both on disability for over 5 years now. Why do you feel the need to talk?? You just can't hang out together? So you have to be together all the time? We don't like the same TV shows, he goes to the bedroom to watch what he wants, I have a TV in the sewing room and also one in the living room--he likes junk that I do not. No big deal, he does his thing I do mine. Not everything has to be done together. Every one needs their own space, no matter what, nobody ever agrees on everything all the time. It sounds like you haven't gotten past the having to be talking and doing together stage. We're not Siamese twins---just enjoy whatever you are doing, with or without each other at your elbow. We don't wonder "what now." We've been together 25 years. I hope you get more responses.

 

[ValleyGal]

I need some advice from married couples who have been married 20 plus years...?

What happens when the passion that you originally had gets cold, what happens when that initial "spark" just isn't there anymore, but you know, YOU KNOW you still are in love with this person and want to stay committed to them for life, what happens when you stop having sex, maybe feeling and wondering if that is all the initial relationship was the only thing it was built upon, what happens when you need to find an older, more mature form of intimacy, like intellectual or spiritual intimacy (is what I see is the only thing my wife and I now have) is needed...

Help!

God Bless!

Umm, the marital status in your profile says you are single:

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ETA - oops. Someone already commented on that.

 

[rose dahlia]

I think a sexless marriage is possible with a Christian couple who have agreed to do so and they pray about it. I don't think it can work without God's assistance. Marriage has so many aspects to it with raising a family and being a member of your extended family and community. In 28 years we have been through some tough moments and only by the grace of God and prayer have we gotten through them.

 

[mkgal1]

what happens when that initial "spark" just isn't there anymore, but you know, YOU KNOW you still are in love with this person and want to stay committed to them for life

I don't know what you mean by "initial spark".....but what comes to my mind (especially since the word "initial" is used) is when a couple has first met (and BEFORE they've really gotten to know each other). I don't believe that's what a marriage is built on. I believe that is "infatuation" and more about what we HOPE that person is (which isn't based on reality---most of the time).

What DO you mean by "spark"? Can you describe that?

 

[mkgal1]

I've posted this quite a bit in the past---but I love this explanation of "levels" of intimacy (this is a short summary of a whole book):

 

[dysert]

You didn't say you only wanted positive testimonies, so hang on... My wife and I have been married for over 35 years. We were high-school sweethearts and got married when I graduated from college. The past several years, though, have been a real struggle. It's been a sexless marriage for quite a while, and we've been distant (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, etc.) for quite a while. Personally, I think the two are related, but it takes two to tango.

My wife does not have a degree and hasn't worked for several years. I'm still gainfully employed, thank God. We are civil roommates and not much more. We've been to lots of counseling over the years. I think we've gotten to the point where we'll just put up with things until one of us is dead. We don't talk about divorce because (1) as Christians we think it would be wrong, and (2) it would put a financial strain on both of us if we did it.

I'll be watching this topic with interest.

 

[mkgal1]

To piggyback on my previous post.....this article describes (in a bit of a different way) stages of intimacy ("intimacy" meaning "revealing of self"):

http://www.familylifecanada.com/2014/05/the-five-levels-of-intimacy/

True Intimacy
It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time. But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy. In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.

To bring that all back to the OP---"intimacy" isn't about activity---it's about sincere vulnerability shared (and acceptance).

 

[mkgal1]

Every one needs their own space, no matter what, nobody ever agrees on everything all the time. It sounds like you haven't gotten past the having to be talking and doing together stage. We're not Siamese twins---just enjoy whatever you are doing, with or without each other at your elbow. We don't wonder "what now."

I completely agree. I cannot imagine being joined at the hip with ANYONE all the time (no matter how much I love them). The OP described what sounded like a long date....not a life with another person (at some point, practical things need to be done like grocery shopping......cleaning bathrooms.....meeting with other friends, etc). It's important to have your own things.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I completely agree. I cannot imagine being joined at the hip with ANYONE all the time (no matter how much I love them). The OP described what sounded like a long date....not a life with another person (at some point, practical things need to be done like grocery shopping......cleaning bathrooms.....meeting with other friends, etc). It's important to have your own things.

I love my husband DEARLY...however...occasionally, it's time for me to take off. A weekend with the rest of the fam in CO, with the girls in Tahoe, SOMETHING...ANYTHING that does not involve being with the hubs. And...he will take off too...PIR with the guys, Men's Ministry events, retreats/conferences...where I get to plop my behind at home and binge watch stupid sci-fi flicks and blast Styx until the windows rattle and eat junk food (I'm sure he does the same, only instead of sci-fi and Styx, it's horror flicks and Metallica). We are not attached at the hip. Right now, he's crashed out on the couch and I'm watching Criminal Minds and posting here.

Then there's reality...the green cloud of funk coming out of the bathroom, "discussing" who's going to do dishes, take out the trash, pump gas, you know, real life. Marriage is messy, sometimes not fun, there are times when you barely tolerate your spouse for whatever reason, but if you're looking for some stupid "spark", then you have been deluded. Sorry...but marriage is WORK. Love is a verb. Sparks are baloney.

 

[mkgal1]

Sorry...but marriage is WORK. Love is a verb. Sparks are baloney.

The other side of this, though, is that marriage shouldn't ALWAYS be "work" and always be about suffering for the "greater good". I've also recently read a lot in that slant (especially from conservative Christian literature) and how "joyous" and "abundant" of a life is *that*?! Relationships in general shouldn't be about drudgery and "carrying a cross". There certainly are times that reflect something like that---but if that describes the whole marriage, then *something* is off kilter (especially when one person is feeling as if they are always the one doing the suffering and the other person is skipping through life without a care in the world....dismissing the other person's agony). How is that a depiction of "two being one"?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

There certainly are times that reflect something like that---but if that describes the whole marriage, then *something* is off kilter (especially when one person is feeling as if they are always the one doing the suffering and the other person is skipping through life without a care in the world....dismissing the other person's agony). How is that a depiction of "two being one"?

I can see I thought longer than I wrote here...what I mean by marriage being work is that there are times where marriage is not all sunshine and roses. Like...someone getting very ill, having to part out time to care for parents (or kids) or not enough money to go around, getting older...a marriage is a relationship that is constantly changing. At the beginning it's the whole sunshine, roses and violins playing in the background. 20 years later it's weight gain, being the "sandwich generation", career changes, life changes. If, at that point, you're still believing in the sunshine and roses, then there's a problem. Sure, there are still times when it's sunshine and roses but then real life intrudes and it's down and dirty, hard, sometimes enough to make you want to "drive into the sunset", but you don't do that and realize that loving that other person is more than just a feeling.

I DEFINITELY don't agree with being a martyr through a marriage...but then again, from some blogs I've read...that "martyr" thing is because some people are just plain stupid.

 

[mkgal1]

I can see I thought longer than I wrote here...what I mean by marriage being work is that there are times where marriage is not all sunshine and roses. Like...someone getting very ill, having to part out time to care for parents (or kids) or not enough money to go around, getting older...a marriage is a relationship that is constantly changing. At the beginning it's the whole sunshine, roses and violins playing in the background. 20 years later it's weight gain, being the "sandwich generation", career changes, life changes. If, at that point, you're still believing in the sunshine and roses, then there's a problem. Sure, there are still times when it's sunshine and roses but then real life intrudes and it's down and dirty, hard, sometimes enough to make you want to "drive into the sunset", but you don't do that and realize that loving that other person is more than just a feeling.

I DEFINITELY don't agree with being a martyr through a marriage...but then again, from some blogs I've read...that "martyr" thing is because some people are just plain stupid.

Oh....I knew you didn't have that philosophy of marriage being about one spouse being a martyr---I just wanted to clarify since that's something I've recently been reading and I can't stand that it's presented as "how it should be" and that a person is selfish for expecting more out of marriage than to be suffering for it every day.

With so many of us that didn't have parents to model for us what a healthy marriage even looks like---it is sometimes difficult to determine what is selfishness and what is having realistic expectations. It's hard to figure out where that line is....you know what I mean (especially if the other spouse is adding to the confusion by saying how selfish the other is to have their own feelings and needs)?

But...what you're saying about needing to realize how LIFE changes---and our marriages have to be flexible enough to adapt to those changes? Very true. Having an attitude of teamwork and being proactive and open to figuring out how to deal with life in general are all helpful traits (IMO) to a successful marriage.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I just wanted to clarify since that's something I've recently been reading and I can't stand that it's presented as "how it should be" and that a person is selfish for expecting more out of marriage than to be suffering for it every day.

Like this blog? http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/

 

[Goatee]

Waw, i have been with my wife 30 years this year. The last year and a half has been really hard!

Long story short...........No love between us for last 10 years or more. She like an ice block. No love for me..........I had an affair! Yikes.........Big mistake...........Still together, just. Only for child