I have a big problem.

[designer mom]

Hi there. So, I have a big problem. A big, big problem. I've been married for nearly 6 years now. A couple of years after my husband and I got married I started noticing that there were some issues. Here's a brief history; my husband would give me the silent treatment literally every time I would try to discuss anything in our lives that needed to be mutually resolved, or anything that would lead to any level of emotional intimacy what so ever. He would just literally refuse to talk and not say a word. Aside from that, he would never (I know I'm not "supposed" to use words like "never" but it was literally never) finish chores, or complete tasks that he agreed to do. He was always leaving things around the house and constantly doing little things that were just so unbelievably irritating to me, it nearly drove me crazy. Then, one day, I came to the realization that he had allowed me to marry him while believing a huge lie (that he wanted to become a missionary with me - something I had my heart set on). At that point, I was starting to realize that something was wrong and I sought some help. Some wonderful ladies on this forum suggested that my husband might be passive aggressive, so I confronted him on this theory, and he insisted from here to the moon that it wasn't the case and that he would never in a million years do anything to purposely hurt me. Well, that was another lie, but I believed it. He was just SO convincing and so "innocent". *MY* therapist (part of the help I got) labeled him with dependency issues (based on what I told her) because he was constantly following me around the house spying on me, which he still does, but I guess I've just learned to live with it. She reasoned that the reason he couldn't finish any of his chores was that he couldn't do it without me sitting there holding his hand the whole time. That just helped me buy into the lie that he wasn't doing any of this on purpose, and I instead believed that he was simply incapable, and I just sort of did my best to cope and accept his behavior.

Fast forward a few years. After trying every thing under the sun to try to get my husband to stop "shutting down" (that's what we were calling it at that point, because he insisted he "couldn't help it") I decided that *I* was obviously the one with the problem and set out to try to become more "safe" for my husband so that he could finally be able to connect with me on a deeper level. I read the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggrichs and "safe" I became. Something went horribly wrong at this point, though. Instead of becoming more loving towards me, my husband felt "safe" to openly criticize my every move. He followed me around the house and belittled me for things like using an ice cube directly from the ice cube tray instead of the "ice cube bag" that he made, or how the gas mileage is always lower after I've driven the car because I must be using the air conditioner too much. Every word that left my lips was wrong for one reason or another.

Then, a few weeks ago, it happened. I stumbled upon an ad for an erotic novel right on my KIDS Kindle, confronted him about it, and he admitted to being addicted to inappropriate contentography. Obviously, I was not happy with this.

Now, all of a sudden, he flipped a switch and became capable of talking to me. In a rare moment of honesty, to my horror, he described what he believes the problem is. Without really knowing what he was actually describing, he explained that when he doesn't communicate his needs to me, he secretly resents me for not meeting them (for not reading his mind, I guess), and then behaves in a hostile way (punishes me). In other words, he's PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I was right the first time, FOUR years ago!!

Now, I don't even know which way is up and which way is down. I've been dealing with this man's crazy behavior for so long that I can't even think straight. There are no boundaries in our home. He follows me everywhere, and if he goes anywhere outside of the home, he's constantly "checking in" with me. I'm obviously angry at him for all of the lies and "punishments", but in response, HE tries to act like the victim. I got upset with him the other day because he wouldn't keep his hands off of me (in an intense kind of way I've never even seen from him before) right after all of this went down, and all of a sudden he's perfectly capable (for the first time in the history of our relationship) of telling me how "deflated" this made him feel. WHAT? And so I'm sitting there feeling like *I* did something wrong!

My husband is quite honestly going to drive me crazy. What can I do? I reached out to my pastor the first time I started to see all of these problems (years ago) and the guy called me and told me that I was exaggerating, and that he's been doing this for 20 years, so he knows what he's talking about. I left that church after that and I haven't been able to find another one since because I have a child with special needs and that greatly complicates the process. Aside from that, I'm homeschooling him and have a toddler who's in early intervention, so I have his therapists in the house 5x per week working with him on top of everything. I don't exactly have a lot of free time or options at moment.

Now, my husband absolutely INSISTS that he is "trying" to improve himself. He put some kind of a block on our router which prevents him from being able to look at any "adult" websites. Of course, when I asked him if he could just use his phone's 4G, he admit that he can't block that, and he won't throw the phone away. So I guess it's worth more to him then our marriage. He said "it's a heart issue", which is obviously true but COME ON.

I asked him to pull a weed earlier today. A pretty simple request, but he made a big huge deal over it POSSIBLY being poison ivy, and how horrible it would be if he got poison ivy, and this whole huge drama, until I was so annoyed that I went to just pull the thing myself, and then he went and did it. I later found myself apologizing to HIM for getting annoyed about it!! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME!

Anyway, I really need some help. I've been feeling unhealthy (mentally) since the beginning of our marriage, and now I understand why, but I really do not know what to do about it. I see myself slipping deeper and deeper into this foggy hole, but I can never quite put my finger on what is happening to me. I see that I'm isolated, depressed, anxious, etc. but I just don't know what I can possibly do to get myself out of this mess.

Thank you :/

 

[johndoo]

You are right. He is passive-aggressive.
It sounds like he is controlling also.
Is he willing to go to marriage counseling?
The hope would be that he could develop some insight into all of this.
In the end, it will be mostly you.
You getting help for you with counseling, medications or both.
You changing your behavior and thinking to deal with extreme PA behavior.
You could leave, separate temporarily, ask him to leave --to get the point across that a change must happen.
God bless you for caring for your children.

 

[Farine]

I think you need to know that I read your courageous story from top to bottom. It would be a disservice to read your poured out heart and not 'sign the guestbook.'

I wrote my story last night.... here... http://www.christianforums.com/threads/hit-badly-by-witchcraft.7957849/#post-69909014
mentioning my experience with domestic violence. There must be something in the water to write out testimonies right now.

Your heart and mind have been worn down through all these intrusions and lack of care. Kudos for getting a therapist involved. Yeah, there are some things that occurred to me after reading your truth. What will really help you are relationships and relationships like say yours with me will take some time to develop. Hello! Good to meet you!

 

[Observer]

Everyone will say just keep going, keep praying, have faith he will change. In rare cases, someone does change. In the majority of cases, if someone has an in built way of interacting and it's their personality type, they may not change no matter who tries to help. They have free will and many people deep down don't want to change.
I waited 12 years of a relationship and 7 years marriage for change.

 

[designer mom]

You are right. He is passive-aggressive.
It sounds like he is controlling also.
Is he willing to go to marriage counseling?
The hope would be that he could develop some insight into all of this.
In the end, it will be mostly you.
You getting help for you with counseling, medications or both.
You changing your behavior and thinking to deal with extreme PA behavior.
You could leave, separate temporarily, ask him to leave --to get the point across that a change must happen.
God bless you for caring for your children.

Thank you for the validation. He is controlling, but it's also like he practically begs ME to control HIM and his every move. He basically asks me for permission to do anything at all. Everything from taking a shower to mowing the lawn. I am honestly surprised that he hasn't asked me if it is okay for him to eat or use the bathroom yet. He rarely goes anywhere that he doesn't absolutely have to go, and I am pretty sure it is because he feels like he's going to get in "trouble" with me for it. This is particularly crazy making for me because, again I am constantly evaluating myself, thinking that *I* am the one with the control issues, when I am almost certain that what I truly want is for him to just leave me alone. So, he will behave in this way, and then resent and "punish" ME for it, like I somehow required him to ask permission to use the shower.

I think that he would be willing to go to marriage counseling. He has before, and the therapist adamantly told me right in front of him that I am not trapped in this situation and that I do not have to stay and put up with this. At the time, I felt that the therapist was too quick to push for separation and/or divorce, and I stopped attending because of that - but in retrospect, I see that he probably saw that I was in a pretty bad situation and wanted me to understand that I am not powerless. He probably also quickly saw that it would take drastic measures to get through to my husband.

That being said, I'm honestly not sure that *I'm* up for marriage counseling. I've been working constantly on trying to fix our marriage since day one with absolutely no return effort on my husbands part. In fact, he was working against my efforts in the background the whole time. I think I'd like to see him go to individual therapy for awhile first, and if I see some kind of evidence that he's going to honestly TRY in couples counseling, then maybe I'll muster up the energy to go with him. I'm just SO TIRED of trying. I need to know that he's trying too before I pour any more of myself into this.

I think that this time, with the inappropriate contentography issue surfacing, and the natural consequence of my not wanting him anywhere near me, he's at least starting to realize that he's done something wrong. I did explain to him that what he described to me as being his "problem" is called passive aggression, and he has been able to agree that the descriptions seem accurate to him, and that this is a mental illness, and he's amazingly also been able to accept that his behavior is abusive. It is clear to me that he still doesn't see the magnitude of what he's done or 'what the big deal is', but I think that the very fact that he's not completely submerged in denial any longer gives us some kind of glimmer of hope. I would think that most people with his degree of dysfunction would not even be able to ever see it to any extent.

He's at a church service right now, something that he has not taken the initiative to do on his own for as long as I've known him. I am not going to get my hopes up too much, but at least he is there now. If he reverts back to his previous behaviors, I think I probably will consider asking him to move out for a period of time, as he does seem to respond to serious threats to the stability of our relationship. I will certainly demand that he leave if he ever begins abusing our children. There was a brief period when he suddenly became very critical of our son, but I made it extremely clear that I will not put up with that for even a second, and he did take me seriously and stopped it as quickly as it started.

I would like to get myself some help in dealing with his specific behaviors. The problem really is that I'm just SO TIRED. My life basically revolves around my children's various needs, and of course I always have my husbands issues in the background sucking away whatever energy I have left. I can probably slowly work my way through some self help books, but I just do not feel like I have the time or energy to sit through therapy right now doing any kind of serious work on myself. It's not that I'm unwilling, it's just that I have so many other priorities right now. I'm sure a part of it is depression/lack of motivation, but in all honesty I am very busy and tired. I find support forums to be very helpful and manageable for me at this time, so if you (or anyone) knows of one that would be a good fit for me, or of any specific self help books that would be good for me to read, please let me know.

Thank you.

 

[designer mom]

I think you need to know that I read your courageous story from top to bottom. It would be a disservice to read your poured out heart and not 'sign the guestbook.'

I wrote my story last night.... here... http://www.christianforums.com/threads/hit-badly-by-witchcraft.7957849/#post-69909014
mentioning my experience with domestic violence. There must be something in the water to write out testimonies right now.

Your heart and mind have been worn down through all these intrusions and lack of care. Kudos for getting a therapist involved. Yeah, there are some things that occurred to me after reading your truth. What will really help you are relationships and relationships like say yours with me will take some time to develop. Hello! Good to meet you!

Thank you for the encouragement! I read your story as well!

 

[designer mom]

Everyone will say just keep going, keep praying, have faith he will change. In rare cases, someone does change. In the majority of cases, if someone has an in built way of interacting and it's their personality type, they may not change no matter who tries to help. They have free will and many people deep down don't want to change.
I waited 12 years of a relationship and 7 years marriage for change.

I agree with you. I was raised in an abusive home, so my marriage is not my first experience with abuse. What you are describing is my experience with my family of origin. I just pray for them and keep my distance. Of course, marriage is much more complicated, as you know.

 

[Farine]

Thank you for the encouragement! I read your story as well!

And you let me know! I'm deflecting the glory to God. I'll accept the enthusiasm from one person to another. AWESOME!

 

[Farine]

... I find support forums to be very helpful and manageable for me at this time, so if you (or anyone) knows of one that would be a good fit for me, or of any specific self help books that would be good for me to read, please let me know.

Thank you.

Alright. I'll take you up on that.
Short book. Easy read. #1 on my list for those in emotionally hurting places. Non threatening. Very comforting.
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hubbard.

 

[ValleyGal]

I did explain to him that what he described to me as being his "problem" is called passive aggression, and he has been able to agree that the descriptions seem accurate to him, and that this is a mental illness, and he's amazingly also been able to accept that his behavior is abusive.

Being passive-aggressive is not a mental illness. There can be a lot of causes, but it is usually a trait that is part of a person by the age of 6. Part of therapy might include finding out who he was really angry with (typically a parent figure) and then work that anger out. Or it could be the result of intense self-shame (such as the inappropriate contentography) and then the anger is towards self, but displaces that anger on you. No matter where it's from, it is not a mental illness.

I think part of your own healing will have to include boundaries. You know how he responded so well to your reaction when he was being critical of your son? That is how firm you will have to be regarding your own boundaries. He treats you the way he does because he thinks he can get away with it, and the truth is, he does for the most part... and it sounds like you resent him for it. It is time for you to set firm boundaries for your marriage and for yourself within your marriage. Keep out the bad; let in only the good. And that includes his stuff.... only let him bring in good. Help him to keep out the bad. Hold him accountable when he lets in the bad (like inappropriate content). For example, rather than a parental control on his phone, he might agree to you checking his phone periodically throughout the day at random and unannounced times.

I know your hands are full with your children, but it seems to me that your husband needs to be re-socialized in what healthy, respectful relationships are supposed to function like.

 

[WolfGate]

I have little wisdom in this area, unlike others (such as ValleyGal), so I cannot offer direct advice. Instead I said a prayer for you.

 

[DZoolander]

What does your husband do with the kids? Does he help there at all?

 

[designer mom]

Being passive-aggressive is not a mental illness. There can be a lot of causes, but it is usually a trait that is part of a person by the age of 6. Part of therapy might include finding out who he was really angry with (typically a parent figure) and then work that anger out. Or it could be the result of intense self-shame (such as the inappropriate contentography) and then the anger is towards self, but displaces that anger on you. No matter where it's from, it is not a mental illness.

I stand corrected. I shared that with my husband, so he would have a correct understanding as well. He said he didn't really think it made much of a difference either way. I didn't want him to be misinformed though.

I think part of your own healing will have to include boundaries. You know how he responded so well to your reaction when he was being critical of your son? That is how firm you will have to be regarding your own boundaries. He treats you the way he does because he thinks he can get away with it, and the truth is, he does for the most part... and it sounds like you resent him for it. It is time for you to set firm boundaries for your marriage and for yourself within your marriage.

I guess I do resent him for it. To be honest, the concept of boundaries has become very foggy for me. I'm kind of having a hard time putting my finger on which of my boundaries he's even violating at this point, and he's looking to me to define his own boundaries for him. I'm confused, so it's hard for me to do anything about it. Furthermore, I've noticed that I have a compulsion to apologize after being firm with him (or anyone.) I think I feel like if I can "own" some part of the responsibility for whatever happened, then I have some control over resolving it. I'm sure this is just enabling him. Another part of the problem, though, is that I'm also confused about how to be firm in a loving and respectful way. I feel like I'm not behaving in a Christian way when I'm firm with my husband. On the other hand, I do recognize that enabling him to mistreat me is not loving either.

My husband told me that he was surprised to learn that I don't want him to like the same things that I like (assuming he doesn't genuinely like them.) He also seemed kind of surprised when I told him that he doesn't have to go to the same dentist as me if he doesn't want to (he was kind of annoyed that I switched dentists - and actually told me about it for once.) I think that it might actually be news to him that we're supposed to be different people.

He agreed to go through that book "Boundaries in Marriage" with me and discuss it in sections. It might not clear up my current boundary confusion, but maybe I can at least redefine them and start over. With any luck, my husband will stop looking to me to define who he is. That would be incredibly freeing for both of us.

Thanks for your help, by the way.

 

[designer mom]

Alright. I'll take you up on that.
Short book. Easy read. #1 on my list for those in emotionally hurting places. Non threatening. Very comforting.
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hubbard.

Thank you, I will take a look at it!

 

[designer mom]

I have little wisdom in this area, unlike others (such as ValleyGal), so I cannot offer direct advice. Instead I said a prayer for you.

Thank you. I've heard a lot of times in my life that someone will "pray for me", but for some reason, I actually really thought about you taking the time out of your day to say a prayer for me, and I was really touched by that.

 

[designer mom]

What does your husband do with the kids? Does he help there at all?

He does help, and this is the area of least concern to me at the moment. He is responsible and loving towards them. He's not great with discipline (he just kind of looks the other way) - which is consistent with his personality, and he does leave all of their developmental/special needs related issues and education to me to handle, but he will take care of them while I take care of those kinds of things and take breaks, which helps tremendously.

 

[tall73]

Hi there. So, I have a big problem. A big, big problem. I've been married for nearly 6 years now. A couple of years after my husband and I got married I started noticing that there were some issues. Here's a brief history; my husband would give me the silent treatment literally every time I would try to discuss anything in our lives that needed to be mutually resolved, or anything that would lead to any level of emotional intimacy what so ever. He would just literally refuse to talk and not say a word. Aside from that, he would never (I know I'm not "supposed" to use words like "never" but it was literally never) finish chores, or complete tasks that he agreed to do. He was always leaving things around the house and constantly doing little things that were just so unbelievably irritating to me, it nearly drove me crazy. Then, one day, I came to the realization that he had allowed me to marry him while believing a huge lie (that he wanted to become a missionary with me - something I had my heart set on). At that point, I was starting to realize that something was wrong and I sought some help. Some wonderful ladies on this forum suggested that my husband might be passive aggressive, so I confronted him on this theory, and he insisted from here to the moon that it wasn't the case and that he would never in a million years do anything to purposely hurt me. Well, that was another lie, but I believed it. He was just SO convincing and so "innocent". *MY* therapist (part of the help I got) labeled him with dependency issues (based on what I told her) because he was constantly following me around the house spying on me, which he still does, but I guess I've just learned to live with it. She reasoned that the reason he couldn't finish any of his chores was that he couldn't do it without me sitting there holding his hand the whole time. That just helped me buy into the lie that he wasn't doing any of this on purpose, and I instead believed that he was simply incapable, and I just sort of did my best to cope and accept his behavior.

Fast forward a few years. After trying every thing under the sun to try to get my husband to stop "shutting down" (that's what we were calling it at that point, because he insisted he "couldn't help it") I decided that *I* was obviously the one with the problem and set out to try to become more "safe" for my husband so that he could finally be able to connect with me on a deeper level. I read the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggrichs and "safe" I became. Something went horribly wrong at this point, though. Instead of becoming more loving towards me, my husband felt "safe" to openly criticize my every move. He followed me around the house and belittled me for things like using an ice cube directly from the ice cube tray instead of the "ice cube bag" that he made, or how the gas mileage is always lower after I've driven the car because I must be using the air conditioner too much. Every word that left my lips was wrong for one reason or another.

Then, a few weeks ago, it happened. I stumbled upon an ad for an erotic novel right on my KIDS Kindle, confronted him about it, and he admitted to being addicted to inappropriate contentography. Obviously, I was not happy with this.

Now, all of a sudden, he flipped a switch and became capable of talking to me. In a rare moment of honesty, to my horror, he described what he believes the problem is. Without really knowing what he was actually describing, he explained that when he doesn't communicate his needs to me, he secretly resents me for not meeting them (for not reading his mind, I guess), and then behaves in a hostile way (punishes me). In other words, he's PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I was right the first time, FOUR years ago!!

Now, I don't even know which way is up and which way is down. I've been dealing with this man's crazy behavior for so long that I can't even think straight. There are no boundaries in our home. He follows me everywhere, and if he goes anywhere outside of the home, he's constantly "checking in" with me. I'm obviously angry at him for all of the lies and "punishments", but in response, HE tries to act like the victim. I got upset with him the other day because he wouldn't keep his hands off of me (in an intense kind of way I've never even seen from him before) right after all of this went down, and all of a sudden he's perfectly capable (for the first time in the history of our relationship) of telling me how "deflated" this made him feel. WHAT? And so I'm sitting there feeling like *I* did something wrong!

My husband is quite honestly going to drive me crazy. What can I do? I reached out to my pastor the first time I started to see all of these problems (years ago) and the guy called me and told me that I was exaggerating, and that he's been doing this for 20 years, so he knows what he's talking about. I left that church after that and I haven't been able to find another one since because I have a child with special needs and that greatly complicates the process. Aside from that, I'm homeschooling him and have a toddler who's in early intervention, so I have his therapists in the house 5x per week working with him on top of everything. I don't exactly have a lot of free time or options at moment.

Now, my husband absolutely INSISTS that he is "trying" to improve himself. He put some kind of a block on our router which prevents him from being able to look at any "adult" websites. Of course, when I asked him if he could just use his phone's 4G, he admit that he can't block that, and he won't throw the phone away. So I guess it's worth more to him then our marriage. He said "it's a heart issue", which is obviously true but COME ON.

I asked him to pull a weed earlier today. A pretty simple request, but he made a big huge deal over it POSSIBLY being poison ivy, and how horrible it would be if he got poison ivy, and this whole huge drama, until I was so annoyed that I went to just pull the thing myself, and then he went and did it. I later found myself apologizing to HIM for getting annoyed about it!! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME!

Anyway, I really need some help. I've been feeling unhealthy (mentally) since the beginning of our marriage, and now I understand why, but I really do not know what to do about it. I see myself slipping deeper and deeper into this foggy hole, but I can never quite put my finger on what is happening to me. I see that I'm isolated, depressed, anxious, etc. but I just don't know what I can possibly do to get myself out of this mess.

Thank you :/

There is the possibility at least that this is a lot simpler than you are making it.

He is a sexual addict. He didn't discuss intimate things with you because he was pouring his energies into his sexual addiction. He didn't finish tasks because he was focused on his sexual addiction. He didn't actually follow through on being a missionary, because he knows it would be a double life if he has a sexual addiction.

Now that he has been discovered he opens up, because he has been holding this secret in and it has eaten him up. The idea about you not meeting his needs may just be his way of justifying his going beyond the legitimate outlet of meeting his needs.

His following you around may be projection of his own paranoia at his double life, or simply a way to involve himself in your thoughts to see if you were catching on to his double life. His asking you to make decisions might be an excuse to keep tabs on you as well.

When he says he is trying to improve himself, and it is a heart issue, this is probably true. He probably realizes that now his secret is out and he needs to carry through on the change he always wanted. But that does not mean he has the resources to do it.

Ask him to go with you to a Christian counselor to deal with his sex addition, because it may be at the root of all of this.

 

[designer mom]

Well, I feel like I'm just absolutely losing my mind over here tonight, and I have no one under the sun that I can talk to about these things as they're happening. Our son was dipping his finger in table salt and licking it off repeatedly at dinner time, so I told him that I didn't want him doing that because salt isn't healthy. My husband then started informing us both that salt is actually healthy and that your body needs it. I got annoyed and then referred to the times when he claimed that butter, oil and mayonnaise is also good for you. (He has also told me that eating yogurt is the same thing as eating ice cream, but I didn't bring that specific example up tonight.) I let it go and moved on with my night. To my shock, my husband actually confronted me on this issue, claiming that he's attempting to deal with his anger in a more healthy way, which is good, in theory. He then went on to explain to me that our body does in fact need sodium, I was wrong, and he felt that I owed him an apology. He also told me that he felt the other foods that I brought up were unrelated.

I immediately felt like I was losing my mind, and I still do. First I was shocked, then I tried to apologize, but it was very obviously insincere, so I started asking myself if I'm unable to be wrong and unable to apologize if I've done something wrong. Then I started getting confused and angry at the same time because I was feeling like if anyone should be apologizing, it is my husband for being argumentative over the technicalities of salt when I was just trying to keep our kid from eating it straight off the table.

So I went in our room, shut the door and basically just bawled my eyes out for a few minutes (he was outside in the yard with the kids at this point.), and then I came on here because I didn't know what to do.

I know that this sounds like some stupid fight, but this is literally one of the first times that my husband has actually TALKED to me about anything emotional, and this is how it went. I think that it might literally be the second time that he's confronted me, ever. Is THIS how our relationship is going to be now that he's talking?

Honestly, I need to know if there is seriously something wrong with me. It feels like a load of bricks fell from the ceiling on to my head. I'm losing my mind over here.

Help!

 

[Waterwerx]

Well, I feel like I'm just absolutely losing my mind over here tonight, and I have no one under the sun that I can talk to about these things as they're happening. Our son was dipping his finger in table salt and licking it off repeatedly at dinner time, so I told him that I didn't want him doing that because salt isn't healthy. My husband then started informing us both that salt is actually healthy and that your body needs it. I got annoyed and then referred to the times when he claimed that butter, oil and mayonnaise is also good for you. (He has also told me that eating yogurt is the same thing as eating ice cream, but I didn't bring that specific example up tonight.) I let it go and moved on with my night. To my shock, my husband actually confronted me on this issue, claiming that he's attempting to deal with his anger in a more healthy way, which is good, in theory. He then went on to explain to me that our body does in fact need sodium, I was wrong, and he felt that I owed him an apology. He also told me that he felt the other foods that I brought up were unrelated.

I immediately felt like I was losing my mind, and I still do. First I was shocked, then I tried to apologize, but it was very obviously insincere, so I started asking myself if I'm unable to be wrong and unable to apologize if I've done something wrong. Then I started getting confused and angry at the same time because I was feeling like if anyone should be apologizing, it is my husband for being argumentative over the technicalities of salt when I was just trying to keep our kid from eating it straight off the table.

So I went in our room, shut the door and basically just bawled my eyes out for a few minutes (he was outside in the yard with the kids at this point.), and then I came on here because I didn't know what to do.

I know that this sounds like some stupid fight, but this is literally one of the first times that my husband has actually TALKED to me about anything emotional, and this is how it went. I think that it might literally be the second time that he's confronted me, ever. Is THIS how our relationship is going to be now that he's talking?

Honestly, I need to know if there is seriously something wrong with me. It feels like a load of bricks fell from the ceiling on to my head. I'm losing my mind over here.

Help!

So who was right? You for being concerned about your son's salt intake or your husband in being correct about the body needing salt?

Diplomacy is a learned skill that you both need to work on. One of the absolute WORST things you can do to someone when having a disagreement is bringing something up from the past that has no bearing on the present situation. It's like as if one is storing up ammunition to use on a later day.
And he should've been honest enough to point out that while the body does need salt, too much of it is not healthy and from there conceded the point.

If you both get bent out of shape over trivial things of being right or wrong, you both need professional counseling. Otherwise, similar to the above example, your children will be getting caught in the middle of it. Not to mention the probability that when one of you tells them "no", they will go to the other for a "yes", and then another argument of who's right or wrong arises.

 

[ValleyGal]

Questions. Did your husband "confront" you in front of your children? Was he argumentative in front of them? Is your husband a very black-and-white thinker? How is his impulse control? Does he have any developmental diagnoses (such as autism spectrum disorder or anything like that)? Does his mood swing very quickly from pleasant to upset/angry?

What happened today undermined your parental authority in your child's eyes. It does not matter if you were right or wrong about salt. What matters is that your husband dismissed your correction of your child - in front of your child. A better way for your child, and more respectful towards you would have been if he had agreed with you that child should not be dipping fingers in and licking the salt off. Then later, the two of you could have looked up whether or not salt is healthy and how much a body needs before it is too much - or you could even do that with your child, depending on their age. For the record, what your child did was too much. In fact, the body needs very little sodium because we usually get more than enough if we eat even one prepared food in the day (such as canned soup or store-bought bread or anything like that).

My point is, you are not on the same page, the same team. While sharing himself emotionally with you is a good thing, it is not good if it causes division in front of the children, and it is not good if it is done disrespectfully.

I wonder if there are any family workers available to you through a community service agency near you. As well, maybe the two of you could visit your local public health department and ask them about a healthy diet plan (butter is healthier than margarine, but it is still not "healthy" unless you minimize it to a tbsp a day or some small amount; yogurt is good for you because it has probiotics which aid in digestion, and ice cream does not; some oils are better for you than other oils, but none of them are actually "healthy", etc).

Rather than get upset next time, I wonder if you could ask him where he is getting his information from, and invite him to research it with you. As well, maybe you could have a frank talk with him about when it is appropriate to talk about certain things - undermining you in front of your children is not okay. The thing he really needs to understand is that you are not in a competition about who is right and who is wrong. It's about supporting each other. Is your husband a team-sport fan? Maybe you could talk to him about how teams work - one player who has the ball may not be in the position to score, but he will support the one who is in the best position by passing the ball and blocking the other team. He needs to support your parenting efforts and you need to support his. Disagreements need to be resolved together away from the children, unless you are skilled at problem-solving and involve the children in the problem solving process.

I think much of your stuff can be resolved by mutual respect. My suspicion is that this is the general, all-encompassing "boundary" you feel violated by, since you have a hard time pin-pointing which one(s) he is violating. But here is a little reminder about boundaries:
- let in the good; keep out the bad
- know where you end and he begins (he also needs to know where he ends and you begin)
- boundaries are not about limiting him or his behaviour. It is about how you respond to his behaviour. Boundaries are for you, not for him. If you set boundaries on how he treats you, then you are just simply trying to control him and/or the situation. If you set boundaries on YOU, then you will know how to respond to his disrespectful behaviours by respecting yourself.

For example, today when he disrespected your parental authority, you can't control that he disrespected you, but you can control how you respond to that. A respectful response might sound like this "yes, our bodies need salt, but we get enough in the foods we eat; we do not need to dip our fingers in and lick the salt off." Then you can use this as a teaching opportunity for your child by explaining that our fingers have germs, and when he sticks his finger into stuff people eat, he is spreading his germs, and that's not okay.

I hope you are able to access a parenting program with your husband so that the two of you can work to get on the same page. If you can't, remember the one thing that is most important over everything: Do not do anything that damages the attachment your child has with you both as parents. Your child needs to know that family respect is expected, and they will learn that by how much respect the two of you have towards each other.