I have a big problem.

[Farine]

Well, I feel like I'm just absolutely losing my mind over here tonight, and I have no one under the sun that I can talk to about these things as they're happening.... Help!

I really like what Waterwerx said. Like man, that's accurate. Now, I do remember what you said about needing some investment from your man because up until this point you've been supplying most of the emotional energy for the relationship and that you are so very tired. There are some positives in this last situation. Putting some focus on that all is not a mess.. there's some growth to celebrate will help balance your emotional state.

There's the serenity prayer right? Wisdom to know the difference? Yeah, if you don't brush your teeth, there is pain. I've yet to hear about a miracle where God replaced lost teeth especially those lost because someone didn't practice good hygiene. And there are some situations where human effort isn't appropriate. A good example would be believing God for the new creation. Wisdom here would be sorting out who is response-able for your emotional survival. What's your portion. What's God's portion. What's your husband's portion. And maybe, what's a shared burden between you and your husband. You are so incredibly tired that all that figuring is just too much. So, when we get so bone-weary that we can't figure anything out, do you believe that God will carry you? That God does things in our day.. that you are worth sending His Son to earth to rescue you?

Sometimes a mess is an opportunity. I think this dispute is one of those situations.

 

[unfinishedclay]

I reached out to my pastor the first time I started to see all of these problems (years ago) and the guy called me and told me that I was exaggerating, and that he's been doing this for 20 years, so he knows what he's talking about. I left that church after that and I haven't been able to find another one since because I have a child with special needs and that greatly complicates the process.

designer mom, I understand trying to reach out to pastors/leaders who just do not understand much more than their own credentials. In fact, it this pastor found it necessary to tell point out he's been doing this for 20 years as a way of knowing what he's talking about, I have to wonder if his 20-year experience includes his experience of boasting like this in order to get a point across. That would still be 20 years of ineffectiveness. I could definitely be wrong.

When dealing with a difficult husband, judging from what I'm going through now as a wife of 21 years who has truly tried (with my own faults to consider), I can honestly say it is imperative that you belong to a church that focuses on God's Word, interactive Bible Studies/Sunday Schools, small group discussions, encouragement of Q&A, and members/leaders who are loving enough to help care for or welcome in adult settings special-needs children.

Even though my husband and I are on a very, very difficult road of reconciliation with struggles in so many different angles, we are finally at a church where the pastor is humble PLUS knowledgeable about the Word, where he and leadership are not at all stuck on themselves/their credentials which could risk them being unable to be quick to hear/slow to speak (about years of experience doing ????????), where Q&A plus open-floor Bible discussions are the norm, and members/leaders welcome an autistic boy there. Loving, understanding, and caring more about God's Word than anybody and everything - which would enable them to love people the way they do. (And they're not perfect in the least. Like everywhere, growth is needed in areas.) But in order for us to experience this, I had to be willing and ready to leave first, a small fellowship that operated like the pastors (husband and wife) were on thrones and then, a large fellowship that cared more about structure than people.

Don't restrict yourself to any criteria for finding a good church except God's Word alone being taught and practiced. If your husband can be in a place like that, where he can be discipled, that would help your relationship tremendously. In the meantime, considering that good teaching needs to be heard (even within his earshot) in your home and also considering what you said here...

There are no boundaries in our home. He follows me everywhere, and if he goes anywhere outside of the home, he's constantly "checking in" with me.

...listen to good bold Bible teachers on your phone or computer. My favorites on Youtube are the following: Paul Washer, Santosh Poonen, Sandeep Poonen, Zac Poonen, Sanjay Poonen, David Ravenhill, and Tim Conway of Grace Community Church. Your husband needs the seed of God's Word planted into him. He sounds like he has what my pastor told my husband he had: "a wondering spirit" (which is beyond having a wondering eye). Unstable. Unable to process right and wrong with a matured outlook. In need of male guidance and mentorship in the faith of Jesus Christ. Nothing else can set a man free from the strongholds that you're up against except God's Word being imparted with wisdom and prayer while standing on It.

With preachers like the ones i've mentioned playing on your phone while you're walking around the house, your husband may either stop following you around because that spirit that he embraces does not want to hear it or the seed of God's Word can begin to work. don't have a phone that will play good preaching? Sing praises or praise God. You are in spiritual warfare. Don't be afraid to quote Scriptures out loud around that house and pray that the Lord intervenes by casting out demonic spirits from your household. Ask God boldly in the Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth - whether hubby hears you or not.

My husband repents during those times. But there have been the hardships of journeying through many lies and deceptions and my leeriness of his change. But I don't go through what I used to by any means. Here are passages that may help:

Luke 8:5-15
Pray and ask the Lord to give increase to the seeds of His Word in your husband's heart and ask that He prepares and sends the right male laborers into your husband's path to plant/water God's Word into him. Communicate this passage back to the Lord, because He honors His Word so much that He responds to It. Isaiah 55:11 (Good to read the whole chapter.)

I Peter 3 (A wife's silence does not mean to shut up. It actually works in our advantage and exercises wisdom. A wayward or unethical husband has a harder time dealing with what is said than an honorable husband can deal with it. A man who is willful about accomplishing self-interest - even in the form of not having to contribute as he should - is likely to not hear much from those whom he offends. Ask any angry coach and angry referee in the heat of the moment. Face to face, yelling, all they care about is that respect be shown to them whether earned or not.)

Having said that concerning being silent for your benefit...

Without being the type of wife who would keep important details from her husband, ask the Lord what is necessary that you conceal from your husband. Your husband does not need to know that he is passive aggressive or anything else that someone would label him if telling him will not change him. If you notice him being passive aggressive, exercise wisdom on how to communicate effectively with passive aggression. Again, try communicating with him indirectly through sounding through your house or space teachings from Godly speakers or vocalized praises/prayers in sincerity (not in the spirit of trying to be seen as mentioned in Matthew 6:5 but in the spirit of letting your light shine before your husband as mentioned in Matthew 5:16)

If your husband knows everything going on in your mind, it can empower him to act up more. Be selective about what you will communicate.

Concerning his unreasonable confrontations...
Communicate God's Word to him. Choose your battles and don't worry about majoring on minor things. Let him win trivial arguments. If he demands an apology, immediately say, "I apologize." to release you of the stress of the moment. Saying, "I'm sorry" doesn't have to be said if it isn't true. "I apologize" is an action that doesn't have to require your agreement. (And don't tell him that.)

Buy less salt. Replace a lot of bad foods with good foods and present them so well that even he'll want repeated recipes. (That's the battle being won from underground. Try to apply in all other areas as God leads you and gives you wisdom.)

 

[unfinishedclay]

And if he's spying on you or trying to check in on you, enjoy the outcome.

When he keeps calling, give him another testimony about God's goodness and how God was good to you again.

If he spies on your phone, have some stored up Scriptures for him to come across.

Take the wheel.

 

[sparkle123]

Well, I feel like I'm just absolutely losing my mind over here tonight, and I have no one under the sun that I can talk to about these things as they're happening. Our son was dipping his finger in table salt and licking it off repeatedly at dinner time, so I told him that I didn't want him doing that because salt isn't healthy. My husband then started informing us both that salt is actually healthy and that your body needs it. I got annoyed and then referred to the times when he claimed that butter, oil and mayonnaise is also good for you. (He has also told me that eating yogurt is the same thing as eating ice cream, but I didn't bring that specific example up tonight.) I let it go and moved on with my night. To my shock, my husband actually confronted me on this issue, claiming that he's attempting to deal with his anger in a more healthy way, which is good, in theory. He then went on to explain to me that our body does in fact need sodium, I was wrong, and he felt that I owed him an apology. He also told me that he felt the other foods that I brought up were unrelated.

I immediately felt like I was losing my mind, and I still do. First I was shocked, then I tried to apologize, but it was very obviously insincere, so I started asking myself if I'm unable to be wrong and unable to apologize if I've done something wrong. Then I started getting confused and angry at the same time because I was feeling like if anyone should be apologizing, it is my husband for being argumentative over the technicalities of salt when I was just trying to keep our kid from eating it straight off the table.

So I went in our room, shut the door and basically just bawled my eyes out for a few minutes (he was outside in the yard with the kids at this point.), and then I came on here because I didn't know what to do.

I know that this sounds like some stupid fight, but this is literally one of the first times that my husband has actually TALKED to me about anything emotional, and this is how it went. I think that it might literally be the second time that he's confronted me, ever. Is THIS how our relationship is going to be now that he's talking?

Honestly, I need to know if there is seriously something wrong with me. It feels like a load of bricks fell from the ceiling on to my head. I'm losing my mind over here.

Help!

Salt is not even REMOTELY the issue here, and engaging him or your child on ANY level about diet, etc, would just be further playing into his manipulation. His manipulation may or may not be conscious, but it is a manipulation and it is making you crazy as a result. Your husband is not talking to you about his emotions, by the way. He's still playing control games, now couched in therapy-like terms. As someone else pointed out, your parental authority was undermined here. It is perfectly reasonable not to want your child to eat salt off the dinner table. It's bad manners and potentially unsanitary. Any REASONABLE person would not object to this. Your husband is not being reasonable. This kind of behavior comes out of anger. He's finding an apparently rational way to make a dig at you, to undermine you. He's angry with you. Passive aggressive behavior-- the root is aggression. He is passively, politely, quietly--to himself even--behaving aggressively. Hence the salt argument. He just really upset you. He confused you. And he came out the winner with the kids, even. I am not saying this to make you angry, I am saying this to help cut through your confusion. Everything you felt in response makes perfect sense.

You made it clear that his old ways of using silent treatment would not be acceptable so now he's moved to this. Please look up the term gaslighting. I think you will find much there that applies to your situation with your husband. No one can tell you what to do about it, but I think you should at least know that you are not going crazy. Your constant apologizing for things that aren't your fault... that's just part of the game that is being played. Your husband has a lot of work to do if he wants to stop being emotionally abusive and there's no telling how deep in denial he is about his own motivations and actions. If you two are in therapy that could help but if he's not willing to take a good look at himself it wont matter. Maybe the best advice anyone could give you is to take care of yourself right now: go do something for you. Find a new church on your own. Do something to build yourself up. Pray. Good luck. My husband can be like this too, and I grew up in a home with a mother like this, so I know what it's like to question your sanity. I am praying for you. Hope all is well.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that your husband developed his "shutdown" passive aggressive tendencies as a result of the problem you're experiencing when he opens up to you. He's abusive, controlling, lazy, manipulative, narcissistic, etc. These are all things that people typically run from...so he learned to hide them inside and only interact in a very superficial manner.

Why did you marry this guy? Was he totally different back then? Was it just about the missionary thing?

 

[mkgal1]

Anyway, I really need some help. I've been feeling unhealthy (mentally) since the beginning of our marriage, and now I understand why, but I really do not know what to do about it. I see myself slipping deeper and deeper into this foggy hole, but I can never quite put my finger on what is happening to me. I see that I'm isolated, depressed, anxious, etc. but I just don't know what I can possibly do to get myself out of this mess.

I've not read the other posts in this thread, but one thing that I know is necessary is to have some sort of support of friends that can help you keep your feet sort of "anchored" in reality. This is one site that may be helpful for you: http://southlakecounseling.org/blog/ (sometimes just reading the stories of others can give one hope and a sense of not being alone).

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

work my way through some self help books, but I just do not feel like I have the time or energy to sit through therapy right now doing any kind of serious work on myself. It's not that I'm unwilling, it's just that I have so many other priorities right now. I'm sure a part of it is depression/lack of motivation, but in all honesty I am very busy and tired. I find support forums to be very helpful and manageable for me at this time, so if you (or anyone) knows of one that would be a good fit for me, or of any specific self help books that would be good for me to read, please let me know.

Thank you.

You are in a really hard place! The Lord has used this book to save my marriage over and over again.. and it's an easy read, with practical scenarios/examples - "The Excellent Wife - A biblical perspective" By Martha Peace. These verses come to mind.. Maybe you can meditate or memorize them. Find you strength in the Lord and His Word!

1 John 4:4New American Standard Bible (NASB)
You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

Mark 8:35(MSG) Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self.

Psalm 55:22 New International Version
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Phil 4:6-8
6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.…

 

[akmom]

Well, I just read the original post, and not much more. I have to say, it sounds like the OP has a tendency to over-react. Perhaps she has a lot of stressors. But she acts like being passive-aggressive is some unthinkable disorder and there has been some grand epiphany in finally being able to assign that label to him. Passive-aggression is just one coping style. There's outright aggression, being whiny (I'm guessing the OP falls into this one), matching the opponent, etc. We all have our style of conflict. So what? She is interpreting every little action on his part as clues toward some greater condition that she can blame for her feelings of dissatisfaction with the marriage (or maybe life in general - for some it's hard to distinguish). Maybe just take one day at a time instead of looking for some larger cure-all. Gosh, my husband is passive-aggressive too, but I've learned how to deal with it, and he's learned how to deal with me, and we're very happy. No one is perfect. It does no good to keep blaming the other person for everything, or to cherry-pick their faults so you can tally them and prove to yourself that person is "bad." I bet he does a lot of good too, and doesn't appreciate a spouse that is always looking for fault.

 

[mkgal1]

Well, I just read the original post, and not much more. I have to say, it sounds like the OP has a tendency to over-react.

I would really urge you to do some reading about emotional abuse. Chances are there are people within your circle of influence that you will come across that are also dealing with this, and one of the most offensive ways you can respond is to say, "I think you may have a tendency to over-react." That's not what this is. Abuse is subtle and ongoing. It's like a Chinese water torture. You wouldn't think "just a few drops of water" would drive a person insane....would you? But there's a reason why it's called "torture".

Passive-aggression is just one coping style. There's outright aggression, being whiny (I'm guessing the OP falls into this one), matching the opponent, etc. We all have our style of conflict. So what? She is interpreting every little action on his part as clues toward some greater condition that she can blame for her feelings of dissatisfaction with the marriage (or maybe life in general - for some it's hard to distinguish).

Why the need to put the OP down like that?

Gosh, my husband is passive-aggressive too, but I've learned how to deal with it, and he's learned how to deal with me, and we're very happy. No one is perfect. It does no good to keep blaming the other person for everything, or to cherry-pick their faults so you can tally them and prove to yourself that person is "bad." I bet he does a lot of good too, and doesn't appreciate a spouse that is always looking for fault.

I doubt your husband fits this description of passive/aggressive (or you'd be more understanding). From a book review:

>>>"Living With a Passive Aggressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistance. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.<<<


From this page:

Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:

• Acting sullen
• Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
• Being inefficient on purpose
• Blaming others
• Complaining
• Feeling resentment
• Having a fear of authority
• Having unexpressed anger or hostility
• Procrastinating
• Resisting other people's suggestions

A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another's wishes and may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:

• Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
• Perform it in a way that is useless
• Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words

**The thing is--this is deliberate. It's the way the person has chosen to express their anger (instead of communicating it---just as Designer Mom's husband actually expressed). IOW....he knows just what he's doing and why. Her letting him know how much it gets under her skin most likely will only make him continue doing it (because that's often their goal---to "punish" the other person....to cause them pain). That's not "being whiny" to have a problem with that!

 

[mkgal1]

Designer Mom (if you're still checking in on this thread)....you may want to look into any of Leslie Vernick's books (and even check out her FB page, if you use Facebook). She has a pretty interactive page. Here are some of her books:

https://www.google.com/#q=The+Emoti...rJd8rPz_bPy6kEAOf7w8ouAAAA&tbs=kac:1,kac_so:0

I wanted to add this about what Vernick writes about the distinction between and "emotionally destructive marriage" and a typical marriage where both spouse wants the best for the other:


>>>Emotionally Abusive Marriages follow a pattern

In every marriage people may say cruel things during a fight. They may act inappropriately and harshly. I’ve yelled at my husband (though I haven’t called him names). He’s yelled at me.

But this isn’t typical of our marriage. Leslie Vernick says that a good marriage is one characterized by mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. We each try to make it better. If a rule applies to one person, it applies to both (for instance, if one person has to make account for the money they spent, then both do. In abusive marriages, often one person forces this on the other without any reciprocity at all). And both spouses feel free to express opinions, make decisions, and choose how to act–even if in bursts of anger we may occasionally do the opposite.

On the other hand, Leslie Vernick says,

An emotionally destructive marriage is one where one’s personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes, and misusing the Scriptures…

It’s characterized by repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting her growth. This behavior is usually accompanied by a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility, and a lack of change…

Emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused.

Eventually the emotionally abused spouse (and either spouse could be abused) no longer feels like “me”.

Emotionally Abusive marriages make you sick
The stress from living in an emotionally destructive marriage takes its toll.


Emotionally Destructive marriages make you crazy
Abusive spouses seek to control their mates through manipulation, anger, rage, and deceit. They play mind games. And then, every now and then they perform acts of kindness to keep their spouses ambivalent about leaving.

But when our personhood is systematically denied and we aren’t allowed to express, or even have, feelings, we feel as if we’re going crazy.<<<


~http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/03/emotionally-destructive-marriages-10-truths/

 

[akmom]

I sure hope the OP didn't feel like I was "putting her down" based on that little snippet that mkgal1 quoted and bolded. I really wasn't trying to make it an insult. I was trying to compare her type of reaction to conflict with her husband's. Some people's reaction to conflict is to vocalize their feelings continuously, and that can be very stressful to the other person (who apparently uses passive aggression). It's hard to feel constantly nagged. If my terminology was offensive, I'm sorry. "Shutting off" to perceived nagging isn't necessarily emotional abuse.


People like to pick up self-help books and note how much the author's criteria for this-or-that disorder characterizes someone they know. That's easy. There's a finite number of coping strategies and personality types, and people are going to fall into one or another of them. Those kinds of resources are completely worthless if all they offer is an "Aha!" diagnosis and no strategies for improving the dynamics in the relationship. Not "everyone" in a failed or failing relationship has some terminal fault! According to my Facebook news feed, 80% of my friends are/were married to sociopaths. Imagine that! Either my social group is seriously unlucky or we live in a scary world. Or... people over-react to negative relationship dynamics.

Can you imagine if we took that approach to workplace dynamics? If you determined that a co-worker was simply "emotionally abusive" and not fit for working with others? What are you going to do, quit your job? Demand he/she be perpetually unemployed? No, chances are that you'll find a way to deal with them, and after understanding their strengths and limitations, even learn to appreciate what they do have to offer (even if it's very little compared to others). That's life. But people get on these forums and act like marriages are completely disposable. People rarely even discuss the repercussions of broken homes.

"I'm an expert because my ex had this problem" is such a tiring phrase. I've known too many divorced couples who characterized their exes with various psychological diagnoses, which is hard to hear when you know both of them and love both of them and watch both of them move on to functional relationships. To me, it usually looks like they were working out the quirks of marriage during their immature years and nothing was significantly wrong with either of them... but because it was their first experiment in commitment, they perceived it that way. If you're seeing "emotional abuse" everywhere, in every post, with pretty vague descriptions and only one side of the story, you're probably jumping to the conclusion that you want to reach.

 

[Goatee]

Is your husband crying out for something from u?

 

[mkgal1]

I sure hope the OP didn't feel like I was "putting her down" based on that little snippet that mkgal1 quoted and bolded. I really wasn't trying to make it an insult.

I think MOST people take offense to being told they are overreacting and are "whiny".

People that have never experienced living in an emotionally/psychologically abusive marriage or family of origin would be doing a service to others (any their own selves) to read more about it. When it's covert control....that's yet another way to keep the person isolated (which adds even MORE pain, confusion, and hopelessness to the whole situation).

 

[All4Christ]

I sure hope the OP didn't feel like I was "putting her down" based on that little snippet that mkgal1 quoted and bolded. I really wasn't trying to make it an insult. I was trying to compare her type of reaction to conflict with her husband's. Some people's reaction to conflict is to vocalize their feelings continuously, and that can be very stressful to the other person (who apparently uses passive aggression). It's hard to feel constantly nagged. If my terminology was offensive, I'm sorry. "Shutting off" to perceived nagging isn't necessarily emotional abuse.


People like to pick up self-help books and note how much the author's criteria for this-or-that disorder characterizes someone they know. That's easy. There's a finite number of coping strategies and personality types, and people are going to fall into one or another of them. Those kinds of resources are completely worthless if all they offer is an "Aha!" diagnosis and no strategies for improving the dynamics in the relationship. Not "everyone" in a failed or failing relationship has some terminal fault! According to my Facebook news feed, 80% of my friends are/were married to sociopaths. Imagine that! Either my social group is seriously unlucky or we live in a scary world. Or... people over-react to negative relationship dynamics.

Can you imagine if we took that approach to workplace dynamics? If you determined that a co-worker was simply "emotionally abusive" and not fit for working with others? What are you going to do, quit your job? Demand he/she be perpetually unemployed? No, chances are that you'll find a way to deal with them, and after understanding their strengths and limitations, even learn to appreciate what they do have to offer (even if it's very little compared to others). That's life. But people get on these forums and act like marriages are completely disposable. People rarely even discuss the repercussions of broken homes.

"I'm an expert because my ex had this problem" is such a tiring phrase. I've known too many divorced couples who characterized their exes with various psychological diagnoses, which is hard to hear when you know both of them and love both of them and watch both of them move on to functional relationships. To me, it usually looks like they were working out the quirks of marriage during their immature years and nothing was significantly wrong with either of them... but because it was their first experiment in commitment, they perceived it that way. If you're seeing "emotional abuse" everywhere, in every post, with pretty vague descriptions and only one side of the story, you're probably jumping to the conclusion that you want to reach.

It is equally dangerous - if not more - to shrug off a possibly dangerous or unhealthy situation. If a person is in an abusive relationship, it reinforces their self-doubt and makes them think that it is their fault. We should all be very cautious before judging a situation. I'd much rather err on the side of protecting someone over making someone who is abused to feel like it is their fault. It is very different when you know both people - but even then, you don't know what happens behind closed doors. As you said above - "to you" it seems like there isn't anything seriously wrong...key words "to you". Of course marriage is very important, and not every small conflict means that a marriage is doomed. However, there is a big difference between normal conflict and abusive behavior, no matter what kind of abuse.

Personally, I don't think any of us truly know the situation well enough to judge the nature of her situation. A licensed Christian marriage counselor would be helpful I think. Prayers also are critical.

 

[mkgal1]

If a person is in an abusive relationship, it reinforces their self-doubt and makes them think that it is their fault. We should all be very cautious before judging a situation. I'd much rather err on the side of protecting someone over making someone who is abused to feel like it is their fault.

This is SO important. Re-quoting for emphasis.

 

[All4Christ]

...

 

[mkgal1]

There's a finite number of coping strategies and personality types, and people are going to fall into one or another of them

Yes....there are also "healthy" people and toxic/disordered/unhealthy people. Have you (AKmom) read anything about abusive people (not people that exhibit 'mean' behavior every now and then). Abusive/toxic people do NOT want what's best for others. They truly live for themselves.

 

[mkgal1]

If you're seeing "emotional abuse" everywhere, in every post, with pretty vague descriptions and only one side of the story, you're probably jumping to the conclusion that you want to reach.

Why would I benefit (or *want* to reach any sort of conclusion at all) to conclude Designer Mom is being abused? People come here for help....assistance....guidance. I believe it was me that suggested (years ago) that her husband is passive/aggressive. There are ways to attempt to live in an emotionally destructive marriage---but putting the blame back on the person with good will isn't one of them.

 

[mkgal1]

This is Designer Mom's thread from 4 yrs ago. Things are still the same---so we have about 6 yrs history to go by. When a marriage is characterized by more IMbalance than healthy exchanges---I would call it "destructive" at least.

http://www.christianforums.com/threads/starting-to-resent-my-husband.7651790/page-2

 

[mkgal1]

This is what stands out the most to me:

When we were dating though, he wasn't really like this. I felt like I had finally found someone "normal" who wasn't stirring up a bunch of drama all the time. His family even seemed normal. Then as soon as we got married it made my head spin how quickly the tables turned.