- Mar 21, 2018
- 27
- 9
- 28
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi, I am new here. I made my introduction post and decided to come to this area to vent, seek advice and guidance from fellow Christians. This might be long, but this needs to be said and talking to other people who believe, and god himself only seem to be the only things to help.
I feel so ashamed as a man. I feel like I have lost the love of my life, Sarah. She had so much assurance that we were meant to be together and god put each other into each others lives. I pushed her and god away at every turn.
I knew her starting in 2017 and we met on a dating app. We actually never met for the longest time because she was nervous. We were really good friends for a while. We finally met and it was the happiest day of my life. I never ever saw a woman so beautiful and full of love in my life. We went to the zoo with her friend, had icecream, sat in traffic for hours talking, and I knew then that this girl was the one for me. The way she looked at me, her values of god, family, her character, everything about her made me know.
Over the next month and half we hung out a bunch due to free schedules. I was heading to Afghanistan so I had alot of free time. We did have sex, and that wasn't the best idea, but it happened. During this time before I left I expressed to her I wanted to quit inappropriate content, because of the psychological effects. Thats when I figured out that she did not like inappropriate content at all and viewed it as cheating. Back then I didnt view it that way. However, the thought was certainly in my mind on if it was, or how I should go about quitting.
I left to Afghanistan and it was of course a tearful goodbye, but we were very confident that it would work. Days went by in by and Afghanistan and problems started to arise. inappropriate content was brought back up again somehow and was discussed. At that time I defended inappropriate content, tried to defend my actions, and made her feel like her opinion didnt matter. Not that I insulted her, but because of my behavior and arrogance when talking about the subject. I messed up so many times... going back to watch it. The longest I ever went was 3 weeks, and then I relapsed, not because I was addicted, but because I chose to and didnt care. I thought it was stupid and didnt need the help. Sarah made it very clear that every step of the way she would support me and I could tell her when I messed up. The only thing she wanted was honesty. I didnt give it to her. I hid when I messed up and watched inappropriate content. There were times I would watch it out of spite and didnt truly care because I was so selfish. Another reason due to spite was when she would say we werent having sex if I struggled with inappropriate content when I got back, and at the time I felt she was hanging that over my head as a tool or bargaining chip. I was angry at one point when she told me inappropriate content made her feel like she wanted to hurt herself, and how could I choose other women over her. I was surprised, that she said it made her feel that she wanted to hurt herself. To me, that was not okay and that was manipulative, but it still didnt make my actions okay. I was ashamed when I would touch to other women. I was ashamed I kept messing up and didnt tell her. My pride or sorrow I didnt swallow... I rejected her love and support at every turn and I am so ashamed of myself as a man because of it. I rejected gods love, and support that he gave to her for me.... and I rejected him. I am so ashamed.
The 2nd problem that emerged very quickly was the fact that I had cheated on my girlfriend. One night I was very sexually frustrated, and this selfish, disgusting part of me went onto a website to talk to a girl. She sent me a picture, and I could tell it was a fake, but she still sent me a picture. It was from a computer screen, pixelated and such, but I still sexted a girl online. I cheated on my girlfriend. I never thought I would be capable of doing such a disgusting thing. Well, heres the thing... I actually did it once to my first girlfriend I dated for 3 months or so. Twice I had cheated on girls I had dated. What the hell was wrong with me?! Do I have any self control?? I felt so disgusting and selfish. I told Sarah the next day, and I was prepared for her to leave, and she didnt. SHE FORGAVE ME. She forgave me because she loved me and she told me that.
During the beginning when inappropriate content was the only struggle another problem emerged that we faced. At that time I asked a female friend I had known for years for relationship advice. Her name was Summer. I had a crush on her in highschool back when she dated one of my highschool friends. I am 22 now. So, this was years ago. Before Sarah and I met in person I flirted with Summer. Summer is in Las Vegas living as a flight attendant... I am stationed in Alaska. Now, sexual conversations were had and such. This was when I was rejecting god for years and engaged in hook ups, constant flirting and so forth. We stayed friends, but nothing happened while I was in the relationship. Sarah got insecure that I had a female friend like her. I didnt talk to her constantly, but talked once in a while. The first time we had the conversation she felt uncomfortable when I talked to her. However, she didnt want me to prevent talking to someone I have known for years. So, I took it as that it was okay to talk to her. When having these issues at the time I didnt talk to my parents that much and I am not close with my mom. So, I went to my friend Summer for relationship advice. I told Sarah I talked to Summer for some help and perspective, and she felt that I was valuing my friends opinion over hers, when Summer was defending Sarah on points and never once talked bad about her. Sarah was under the assumption that I had stopped talking to her, so she felt lied to. I wasn't expecting that reaction since I thought it was okay. However, the 2nd time the discussion was had I brought up the fact that Summer and I flirted before Sarah and I started dating. I didnt disclose that the first time we had this conversation, because the way she acted on me mentioning her alone worried me. So, I didnt say anything. Well, she felt I had hid that from here as well and lied saying nothing happened, and I did. This was something that pushed her away even more and felt her trust in me starting to die. You know, months later I actually started doing something very dumb. I was masturbating to the thoughts of Summer. Summer knew because I would screenshot her photos. The amount of stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness was abhorrent. Summer literally told me, " You cant do that. If you continue this you are going to ruin your relationship. You need to control yourself. I wouldnt care if you were single, but you aren't and involuntarily involving me in something I dont want to be invovled in. I dont let my friends mess up their relationships " I stopped masturbating to her and obviously apologized. My friend Summer was literally sticking up and trying to save my relationship from my idiotic selfish self. She put aside everything and tried to look out for me. Summer was a true friend when the only thing consuming me was a selfish self fulfilling lust feeling due to masturbation, and I let it get way too far. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, but Im glad my friend helped me. I never told Sarah about this. Im so embarrassed and ashamed to. The only thing Sarah would probably feel positive about is that Summer obviously was looking out for me and saying that I needed to stop putting my relationship at risk.
Now, my friendship with Summer was a double standard that I blatantly look back on and regret. Sarah had a friend named Austin. Before she met me her and him hooked him once when they were drunk, and she regretted it. She had no desire to ever do that again. Austin didnt treat her with the most respect. He obviously wanted to be more than friends after she started telling me he would send her sexual images and texts. She would ignore them, and delete them, but didnt tell him to stop once we started dating. Sarah asked me if it would make me uncomfortable if she was to go hang out with him alone and smoke weed. Yes, she recreationally smokes, and is not a pothead. I said that it wouldnt as long as he didnt try anything, but she obviously saw I was uncomfortable and she asked me again. I said, " Yes, it would me uncomfortable if you went to hang out with a man alone that had intentions of being more than just friends." Not that I didnt trust her, and maybe I should have let her go, but that doesnt seem like a situation anyone should put them in. So, she didnt hang out with him. However he kept trying to reach out to her inappropriately and she didnt stop him. I asked if she tried to tell him to stop, but she said no. She said that is who he is.... an ass, and I felt that she was letting him walk all over him. I told her she needed to stand up for our relationship, because that was not okay. So she did, and she blocked him according to her. This would later come back to be a problem later on. Looking back on it I should have done the same thing, because Sarah had the same feelings towards Summer and I being friends, and I was selfish, wrong, and arrogant for feeling that it was okay for me hold myself to an exception at an obvious double standard.
The third problem that arose over deployment was the conversation of marriage and such. At a certain point I expressed that I felt very rushed into getting married. I had no problem talking about it, but I felt the expectations were very short. She is a Canadian immigrant and has to get her student VISA or leave the country once shes 21. So, she naturally is on a timeline regardless of how she feels. At a point I felt very overwhelmed and wanted to get married for the right reasons and not due to a time constraint. We argued about it so much because we were stubborn that I didnt want to hear about the subject of marriage anymore due to problems we were having that I wanted to solve first. I told her I wasn't even sure if she was the one for me. This hurt her so much and I was so selfish and dumb because deep down I still felt that way. She felt so hurt and upset that she knew for sure that god was telling her we were meant to be together and I wasnt. I was pushing her and god away with every step and I didn't even realize it before it was too late.
After all these issues that kept on being brought up over a few months another thing arose regarding abstinence. She told me that she wanted to be closer to god and abstinence was one thin she did and felt like she needed to do. Instead of her being embraced with love and support she was met with shock, frustration and confusion. The only thing she asked from me was love and support and I didnt give it to her. I made her feel that like her opinion and decisions didnt matter. It didnt help when she didnt view oral sex as sex at all and was okay with it all. I felt she wasn't being intellectually consistent and I told her that. She felt criticized when I should have just listened. I didnt.... I was being stubborn, selfish, and so full of myself and I am so ashamed.
Over the course of these problems alot of my friends saw that every night that her and I argued I would cry. I am a crier. When I hurt the people I love most I feel so ashamed of myself that I hurt them. So, crying was an emotion of apology. Them not being religious told me I was putting myself through alot and what she was asking was really unrealistic. They told me there were plenty of girls not like this and grass is greener on the other side. So, I saw female friends I knew from back home, and a few I tried to talk to and flirt with. Even though nothing happened, and they didnt reciprocate, I still had lust in my heart and was committing adultery, because my intentions were not pure. I simply wanted the attention because I was selfish and insecure.... thinking that this was okay to even consider in my heart. I was embarrassed. There were some female friends I knew that I wanted to flirt with, but I didnt actually try, but I wanted to. The girl tried flirting with me however, and I played it off and ignored it, but it got worse so I actually stuck up for my relationship and told the girl, Tomi that I was taken. This was the first feeling of hope from me because I knew I did the right thing even though I wanted to so bad. I told Sarah about the girl, Tomi, a week later and she wondered why I didnt tell her sooner. I didnt think it was a big deal because I did the right thing. So, the next time this happened I told her the next day. Now, the 2nd time this happened was not with Tomi. Tomi stopped doing that immediately because she had been cheated on by her ex husband and didnt want to include herself in that which is admirable. The 2nd time this happened.... a girl actually sent me a sexual photo that was totally unexploited and unwanted. This girl I had known for 15 plus years since she was my childhood best friends sister. I lost my virginity to this girl years ago. This girl tried sending me photos randomly when Sarah and I met the first day, and I told her to stop because I liked Sarah alot and felt there was a serious future with her. Well... fast forward to two weeks before breaking up I asked if her brother and her were coming up to visit us for the Summer when I came back. She randomly sent me a butt photo un wanted and unasked for. I asked her why she sent that, and that it was not okay by any means, because I was dating Sarah. She said that she forgot her and I were dating, which was a lie because she had asked me a few days prior if Sarah and I were still together. She probably sent it because I told her Sarah and I were on rocky ground and trying to work through our problems. I told Sarah about this situation and she asked why I didnt go directly to my childhood friend instead of his sister Ive known for 15 plus years. I should have, but I certainly wasnt expecting that to happen. Sarah felt like I was trying to get brownie points in my relationship by telling her I stood up for us. I felt that was unfair because I felt like I couldnt do the right thing. I told her when it happened and she felt it was for non genuine intentions, but when I didnt I was hiding it from her. I was confused.
The last major thing to be a problem was the fact at the time I didnt want a godly relationship. I told her I was in love with her.... not god, and she was the most important thing in my life not him. I WAS SO ARROGANT, IGNORANT, AND SELFISH to say such a thing because I had no idea what I was talking about. When she heard that she was pushed away even more by my stupidity and arrogance.
Over time we felt like we didn't know how to solve our problems, and were both tired of fighting. On one rotation of missions I came to the conclusion that I don't know if I could give these things to her such as no inappropriate content, abstinence, and a godly relationship. I felt like I wasn't good enough and had to accept that she might walk away. I was giving up hope on us. When I told her that she felt that I was preparing to break up with her for a week, and she spent the whole week trying to figure out how to fix it. A few days after I told her I wasn't giving up and I didnt feel that way. I felt that life was about choices and I was not giving up on her and us. I refused to let that happened and this is when I was started to come around. However, by this time it was too late. At this point she had given up on the thought of us ever being married, me giving up inappropriate content, or having a godly relationship. At this point she felt that she didnt know what to do, except give up because I felt "suffocated" by boundaries and ultimatums. I didnt want inappropriate content, and did want a godly relationship, and I told her that. She felt that no matter what she did she felt criticized and I expressed that I still wanted to quit and she said that I still wouldnt tell her when I watched it. She felt frustrated and I was so wrong. This was a turning point for her and I pushed her to this point. It was entirely my fault and I dont know if she will ever talk to me again.
3 weeks ago I came back from my job and we argued slightly, but we both were tired of fighting and didnt know how to fix things. We almost ended things twice, but the 2nd time we had that conversation we both came to the conclusion that it was only fair that we keep trying and going as I came home and if it didnt work out in person to end it then. I was so focused on being better for her. During the last 3 weeks we barely fought and things were looking well. To be fair we didnt talk as much as we had been, but I was trying to give her space. She thought I was avoiding her, but apparently she was avoiding me and started getting short, and I didnt know what to do. I thought about abstinence and really considered supporting her in that journey and joining. She really liked the idea and wanted to totally support me. i felt this was a good thing and a good sign she could see that I actually have listened to her and I do lover her. We didnt fully finish that conversation but It was pretty much finished and she knew what I wanted to do.... to be abstinent with her.
Two weeks before breaking up she brought up the topic of her friend Austin. Apparently he had apologized for being a terrible person to her a while back, and his mother had died recently. I had no idea. Sarah told me she felt so guilty because she couldnt talk to him, when he needed someone, and I felt she was holding this over my head over a decision she made in the beginning of the relationship. I was perfectly fine with her talking to him about that, and quite frankly she didnt need my permission. I never said she couldnt talk or hang out with him. I just told her it made me feel uncomfortable. Could you blame me though? Im not saying my friendship was Summer was justified because it wasnt. At the end of that conversation she didnt want us to " push insecurities on each other." She wanted to be okay with me talking to Summer and her talking to Austin. Well. I didnt talk to Summer much and I felt really confused as to why she was acting like this. We both agreed on this, " Dont put yourself in a situation that you shouldnt be in or isnt smart." She agreed with me and said she wouldnt hang out with him alone anyways. So, I felt that two major issues we had were solved and we werent fighting much. So I had hope things were going okay, but were stale currently. We had that conversation, and the agreement of staying together and keep trying until I got home and seeing how it went from there.
A week later I talk to her, and she tells me that is totally done. That night we ended things and it was cut and dry because I had no idea what to do. I was in shock. Then I started freaking out. I tried talking to her through text and she responded. She felt that the only thing she could offer right now was friendship as she needed to heal. I called her on facetime after I asked. I was a mess and poured my heart out to her, and she told me She feels that there is no hope for us getting better and sees us fighting. I asked her for one last chance and she felt that she had given me too many. She said she couldnt go back on her word and look like a push over to her friends and family since they all knew we had broken up in 24 hours. I felt that if we loved each other why did their opinions matter... our love is what matters in the end. She still felt that she couldnt go back on her decision and I felt so confused, lost, and was just pouring my heart out crying and apologizing. The first chance was me sexting another girl and the 2nd was the inappropriate content I kept hiding from her. She feels that god is telling her that we are not meant for each other anymore and there are possibly better people out there in life. She had no idea if were meant to be together of if she wanted to ever be with me again. She told me that she didnt want to feel guilty for hanging out with Austin, becasuse apparently two nights ago before we broke up she went to go hang out with him, smoke weed, talk about his mom and random stuff. She told me nothing inappropriate happened, but she felt guilty because she couldnt tell me because I would get insecure. I never once had any problem with her guy friends, and this is the only one who made me uncomfortable. I felt like this was a stab in my back becasuse not only did she go against her word that she established a week ago by saying, " I dont think hanging out with him alone is a smart idea anyways," but because she lied to me. Sarah either felt guilty because either something happened that night that she wasn't telling me, or two she genuinely felt guilty because she lied and put herself in a situation she knew deep down wasnt a good idea. Unless she lived a 2nd life, lied about abstinence, and getting closer to god I dont think anything happened, but I was so shocked and a at a loss for words. I even tried to say it was okay, because I was trying to desperately save my relationship.
She wasnt happy, wanted to get closer to god, and closer to her family. She even felt that she might have to go kiss another guy to get over me. She literally said this. I felt so insulted. Why would someone say this to a person they love and theyre breaking up? She said that even though she loves me, and always will that we couldnt be friends for a while and it wasn't a good idea. She felt that we would just end up talking acting like nothing was wrong and it woudlnt be healthy for us. I felt I was being shut out and kept asking why she was giving up. She said she wasn't and walking away. She said we probably couldnt be friends for 6 months. I was so heart broken. It got to the point where she said I had 10 minutes to say what I need to and she was hanging up. I was so shocked, confused and heart broken. She started counting down the minutes.... literally. I tried stopping her but she was done having the conversation and wanted me off the phone. I was so crushed and wanted to know why she was acting like this. She counted down to 1 minute and then 30 seconds. The last words I said to her were, " Get closer to god please, and I love you.... Goodbye." I had pushed this girl so far away from me when the only thing she gave me was love, support and gods love.... and I turned it away because I was so arrogant, and selfish. I feel so ashamed.
I am so ashamed in myself as a man for messing up so much time and time again. I was turning god away at every turn when all she gave me was the love she had from him.... and I didnt realize that god was telling me to change the whole time until it was too late. I didnt even realize this until I started praying, asking for forgiveness, mercy, and wisdom. God was working through her the whole time and pushed him away as well. I prayed for her and me.... because she is my best friend and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but I pushed her to this point. Every time something happened it chipped away at her faith when she was so much stronger, and loyal than I. I feel like I have lost her forever, and she will never speak to me again. I prayed for god to give her strength, and pick her back up when she stumbles and falls.... because I cant be there for her, and that makes me cry and feel so heart broken that I cant be there for her. I begged for god to bring her guidance, forgiveness, mercy, and if it is in his plan.... to guide us back to one another.
I have messed up at every turn, begged for forgiveness, mercy, and I am so lost. I cry everyday while I pray. I apologized to the few girls that I had lust in my heart to flirt with, even though nothing happened. I apologized to the two girls that had tried to flirt with me, and I stood up to. I apologized to my first girlfriend and told her that I had cheated. I never told her, and that was such a cowardly action and unhonorable move. She deserved to know. So, I told her, and the girl I cheated on her with. Shockingly, most of these women forgave me, one didnt. I didnt expect her to. I didnt expect them to fully forgive me either because God is the only one who can fully forgive sins. Even though those two girls had nothing to do with my situation with Sarah I felt it was necessary to fully move on in my life, beg god for forgiveness, call God my Lord and Savior and repent my sins. The girl who sent me the butt photo that I lost my virignity to I cut all ties with. I felt that in order to repair my life and ever have a chance with Sarah she is not a person I want to be around or associate with. I am also going to cut ties with Summer. Summer was a good friend, but she is not essential or important to my life. She is not worth risking my relationship over even though she did nothing wrong. I just feel in order to be a better man and ever have any slight chance of fixing things with Sarah I need to not be friends with her. So, thats what Im going to do. I break down in my guard tower and cry. I am anxious, have a small appetite, and can barely function. Luckily my leadership sees my mental state is terrible and they are letting me take some time to mentally heal. I am so ashamed. I am broken and I feel that I have nothing to live for. She was everything to me and I pushed her to this point. I lost the best friend and the love of my life.... I dont know if I will ever be able to get her back. I wanted to get baptized and the only person I wanted by my side was her.... my best friend and the love of my life. I cry as I type this. It hurts so much. The only person I wanted to see when I got home was her.... and shes gone forever. I dont know if she will ever speak to me again.
Im sorry for the long story. Can someone help? Is there any hope for me to be a better man for myself, god, and Sarah? Will she ever speak to me again? Alot of the people I have spoken to have said that the 6 months she mentioned we couldnt be friends for was probably over exaggerated, and they suggested to contact her once I got back. A few suggested to send her a text once I was back saying, " Hi, Im back in the states and safe. I hope youre doing well and getting closer to god. If you want to talk Im here. Take care." My commander I talked to actually recommended me to message her a few weeks before coming home and asking her to come home to the " Welcome Home Ceremony" we will have the day we arrive. He said that if she truly loved and cared for me.... that she would come. I dont know if she would with all the stuff I put her through and how much I pushed her away. If I asked her to come I would pretty much have my answer if she had moved on or not. However this is only 2 months or so away. I dont know if thats enough time. Would she come to support me coming home? Would that be something that someone would do if they truly loved someone no matter how much trouble they have been through? What do you think I should do?
I do know that I am going to be focusing on prayer, studying the bible, and attending Church services when I can. I also want to attend bible studies that they host as well. Im going to continue working out. Theres only so much I can control. People say I am being too hard on myself. Yes I am, but when I honestly look at things alot of our problems were caused by me and me alone. I felt her walking away was a wake up call from god that I seriously need a life alteration and a spiritual awakening, because she gave me everything, and I rejected her and ultimately God as he tried to work through her. I am so lost. I feel broken.
EDIT: There are some updated to the story that I forgot to add, because I forgot some parts.... since the story and typing took forever.
I feel so ashamed as a man. I feel like I have lost the love of my life, Sarah. She had so much assurance that we were meant to be together and god put each other into each others lives. I pushed her and god away at every turn.
I knew her starting in 2017 and we met on a dating app. We actually never met for the longest time because she was nervous. We were really good friends for a while. We finally met and it was the happiest day of my life. I never ever saw a woman so beautiful and full of love in my life. We went to the zoo with her friend, had icecream, sat in traffic for hours talking, and I knew then that this girl was the one for me. The way she looked at me, her values of god, family, her character, everything about her made me know.
Over the next month and half we hung out a bunch due to free schedules. I was heading to Afghanistan so I had alot of free time. We did have sex, and that wasn't the best idea, but it happened. During this time before I left I expressed to her I wanted to quit inappropriate content, because of the psychological effects. Thats when I figured out that she did not like inappropriate content at all and viewed it as cheating. Back then I didnt view it that way. However, the thought was certainly in my mind on if it was, or how I should go about quitting.
I left to Afghanistan and it was of course a tearful goodbye, but we were very confident that it would work. Days went by in by and Afghanistan and problems started to arise. inappropriate content was brought back up again somehow and was discussed. At that time I defended inappropriate content, tried to defend my actions, and made her feel like her opinion didnt matter. Not that I insulted her, but because of my behavior and arrogance when talking about the subject. I messed up so many times... going back to watch it. The longest I ever went was 3 weeks, and then I relapsed, not because I was addicted, but because I chose to and didnt care. I thought it was stupid and didnt need the help. Sarah made it very clear that every step of the way she would support me and I could tell her when I messed up. The only thing she wanted was honesty. I didnt give it to her. I hid when I messed up and watched inappropriate content. There were times I would watch it out of spite and didnt truly care because I was so selfish. Another reason due to spite was when she would say we werent having sex if I struggled with inappropriate content when I got back, and at the time I felt she was hanging that over my head as a tool or bargaining chip. I was angry at one point when she told me inappropriate content made her feel like she wanted to hurt herself, and how could I choose other women over her. I was surprised, that she said it made her feel that she wanted to hurt herself. To me, that was not okay and that was manipulative, but it still didnt make my actions okay. I was ashamed when I would touch to other women. I was ashamed I kept messing up and didnt tell her. My pride or sorrow I didnt swallow... I rejected her love and support at every turn and I am so ashamed of myself as a man because of it. I rejected gods love, and support that he gave to her for me.... and I rejected him. I am so ashamed.
The 2nd problem that emerged very quickly was the fact that I had cheated on my girlfriend. One night I was very sexually frustrated, and this selfish, disgusting part of me went onto a website to talk to a girl. She sent me a picture, and I could tell it was a fake, but she still sent me a picture. It was from a computer screen, pixelated and such, but I still sexted a girl online. I cheated on my girlfriend. I never thought I would be capable of doing such a disgusting thing. Well, heres the thing... I actually did it once to my first girlfriend I dated for 3 months or so. Twice I had cheated on girls I had dated. What the hell was wrong with me?! Do I have any self control?? I felt so disgusting and selfish. I told Sarah the next day, and I was prepared for her to leave, and she didnt. SHE FORGAVE ME. She forgave me because she loved me and she told me that.
During the beginning when inappropriate content was the only struggle another problem emerged that we faced. At that time I asked a female friend I had known for years for relationship advice. Her name was Summer. I had a crush on her in highschool back when she dated one of my highschool friends. I am 22 now. So, this was years ago. Before Sarah and I met in person I flirted with Summer. Summer is in Las Vegas living as a flight attendant... I am stationed in Alaska. Now, sexual conversations were had and such. This was when I was rejecting god for years and engaged in hook ups, constant flirting and so forth. We stayed friends, but nothing happened while I was in the relationship. Sarah got insecure that I had a female friend like her. I didnt talk to her constantly, but talked once in a while. The first time we had the conversation she felt uncomfortable when I talked to her. However, she didnt want me to prevent talking to someone I have known for years. So, I took it as that it was okay to talk to her. When having these issues at the time I didnt talk to my parents that much and I am not close with my mom. So, I went to my friend Summer for relationship advice. I told Sarah I talked to Summer for some help and perspective, and she felt that I was valuing my friends opinion over hers, when Summer was defending Sarah on points and never once talked bad about her. Sarah was under the assumption that I had stopped talking to her, so she felt lied to. I wasn't expecting that reaction since I thought it was okay. However, the 2nd time the discussion was had I brought up the fact that Summer and I flirted before Sarah and I started dating. I didnt disclose that the first time we had this conversation, because the way she acted on me mentioning her alone worried me. So, I didnt say anything. Well, she felt I had hid that from here as well and lied saying nothing happened, and I did. This was something that pushed her away even more and felt her trust in me starting to die. You know, months later I actually started doing something very dumb. I was masturbating to the thoughts of Summer. Summer knew because I would screenshot her photos. The amount of stupidity, arrogance, and selfishness was abhorrent. Summer literally told me, " You cant do that. If you continue this you are going to ruin your relationship. You need to control yourself. I wouldnt care if you were single, but you aren't and involuntarily involving me in something I dont want to be invovled in. I dont let my friends mess up their relationships " I stopped masturbating to her and obviously apologized. My friend Summer was literally sticking up and trying to save my relationship from my idiotic selfish self. She put aside everything and tried to look out for me. Summer was a true friend when the only thing consuming me was a selfish self fulfilling lust feeling due to masturbation, and I let it get way too far. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, but Im glad my friend helped me. I never told Sarah about this. Im so embarrassed and ashamed to. The only thing Sarah would probably feel positive about is that Summer obviously was looking out for me and saying that I needed to stop putting my relationship at risk.
Now, my friendship with Summer was a double standard that I blatantly look back on and regret. Sarah had a friend named Austin. Before she met me her and him hooked him once when they were drunk, and she regretted it. She had no desire to ever do that again. Austin didnt treat her with the most respect. He obviously wanted to be more than friends after she started telling me he would send her sexual images and texts. She would ignore them, and delete them, but didnt tell him to stop once we started dating. Sarah asked me if it would make me uncomfortable if she was to go hang out with him alone and smoke weed. Yes, she recreationally smokes, and is not a pothead. I said that it wouldnt as long as he didnt try anything, but she obviously saw I was uncomfortable and she asked me again. I said, " Yes, it would me uncomfortable if you went to hang out with a man alone that had intentions of being more than just friends." Not that I didnt trust her, and maybe I should have let her go, but that doesnt seem like a situation anyone should put them in. So, she didnt hang out with him. However he kept trying to reach out to her inappropriately and she didnt stop him. I asked if she tried to tell him to stop, but she said no. She said that is who he is.... an ass, and I felt that she was letting him walk all over him. I told her she needed to stand up for our relationship, because that was not okay. So she did, and she blocked him according to her. This would later come back to be a problem later on. Looking back on it I should have done the same thing, because Sarah had the same feelings towards Summer and I being friends, and I was selfish, wrong, and arrogant for feeling that it was okay for me hold myself to an exception at an obvious double standard.
The third problem that arose over deployment was the conversation of marriage and such. At a certain point I expressed that I felt very rushed into getting married. I had no problem talking about it, but I felt the expectations were very short. She is a Canadian immigrant and has to get her student VISA or leave the country once shes 21. So, she naturally is on a timeline regardless of how she feels. At a point I felt very overwhelmed and wanted to get married for the right reasons and not due to a time constraint. We argued about it so much because we were stubborn that I didnt want to hear about the subject of marriage anymore due to problems we were having that I wanted to solve first. I told her I wasn't even sure if she was the one for me. This hurt her so much and I was so selfish and dumb because deep down I still felt that way. She felt so hurt and upset that she knew for sure that god was telling her we were meant to be together and I wasnt. I was pushing her and god away with every step and I didn't even realize it before it was too late.
After all these issues that kept on being brought up over a few months another thing arose regarding abstinence. She told me that she wanted to be closer to god and abstinence was one thin she did and felt like she needed to do. Instead of her being embraced with love and support she was met with shock, frustration and confusion. The only thing she asked from me was love and support and I didnt give it to her. I made her feel that like her opinion and decisions didnt matter. It didnt help when she didnt view oral sex as sex at all and was okay with it all. I felt she wasn't being intellectually consistent and I told her that. She felt criticized when I should have just listened. I didnt.... I was being stubborn, selfish, and so full of myself and I am so ashamed.
Over the course of these problems alot of my friends saw that every night that her and I argued I would cry. I am a crier. When I hurt the people I love most I feel so ashamed of myself that I hurt them. So, crying was an emotion of apology. Them not being religious told me I was putting myself through alot and what she was asking was really unrealistic. They told me there were plenty of girls not like this and grass is greener on the other side. So, I saw female friends I knew from back home, and a few I tried to talk to and flirt with. Even though nothing happened, and they didnt reciprocate, I still had lust in my heart and was committing adultery, because my intentions were not pure. I simply wanted the attention because I was selfish and insecure.... thinking that this was okay to even consider in my heart. I was embarrassed. There were some female friends I knew that I wanted to flirt with, but I didnt actually try, but I wanted to. The girl tried flirting with me however, and I played it off and ignored it, but it got worse so I actually stuck up for my relationship and told the girl, Tomi that I was taken. This was the first feeling of hope from me because I knew I did the right thing even though I wanted to so bad. I told Sarah about the girl, Tomi, a week later and she wondered why I didnt tell her sooner. I didnt think it was a big deal because I did the right thing. So, the next time this happened I told her the next day. Now, the 2nd time this happened was not with Tomi. Tomi stopped doing that immediately because she had been cheated on by her ex husband and didnt want to include herself in that which is admirable. The 2nd time this happened.... a girl actually sent me a sexual photo that was totally unexploited and unwanted. This girl I had known for 15 plus years since she was my childhood best friends sister. I lost my virginity to this girl years ago. This girl tried sending me photos randomly when Sarah and I met the first day, and I told her to stop because I liked Sarah alot and felt there was a serious future with her. Well... fast forward to two weeks before breaking up I asked if her brother and her were coming up to visit us for the Summer when I came back. She randomly sent me a butt photo un wanted and unasked for. I asked her why she sent that, and that it was not okay by any means, because I was dating Sarah. She said that she forgot her and I were dating, which was a lie because she had asked me a few days prior if Sarah and I were still together. She probably sent it because I told her Sarah and I were on rocky ground and trying to work through our problems. I told Sarah about this situation and she asked why I didnt go directly to my childhood friend instead of his sister Ive known for 15 plus years. I should have, but I certainly wasnt expecting that to happen. Sarah felt like I was trying to get brownie points in my relationship by telling her I stood up for us. I felt that was unfair because I felt like I couldnt do the right thing. I told her when it happened and she felt it was for non genuine intentions, but when I didnt I was hiding it from her. I was confused.
The last major thing to be a problem was the fact at the time I didnt want a godly relationship. I told her I was in love with her.... not god, and she was the most important thing in my life not him. I WAS SO ARROGANT, IGNORANT, AND SELFISH to say such a thing because I had no idea what I was talking about. When she heard that she was pushed away even more by my stupidity and arrogance.
Over time we felt like we didn't know how to solve our problems, and were both tired of fighting. On one rotation of missions I came to the conclusion that I don't know if I could give these things to her such as no inappropriate content, abstinence, and a godly relationship. I felt like I wasn't good enough and had to accept that she might walk away. I was giving up hope on us. When I told her that she felt that I was preparing to break up with her for a week, and she spent the whole week trying to figure out how to fix it. A few days after I told her I wasn't giving up and I didnt feel that way. I felt that life was about choices and I was not giving up on her and us. I refused to let that happened and this is when I was started to come around. However, by this time it was too late. At this point she had given up on the thought of us ever being married, me giving up inappropriate content, or having a godly relationship. At this point she felt that she didnt know what to do, except give up because I felt "suffocated" by boundaries and ultimatums. I didnt want inappropriate content, and did want a godly relationship, and I told her that. She felt that no matter what she did she felt criticized and I expressed that I still wanted to quit and she said that I still wouldnt tell her when I watched it. She felt frustrated and I was so wrong. This was a turning point for her and I pushed her to this point. It was entirely my fault and I dont know if she will ever talk to me again.
3 weeks ago I came back from my job and we argued slightly, but we both were tired of fighting and didnt know how to fix things. We almost ended things twice, but the 2nd time we had that conversation we both came to the conclusion that it was only fair that we keep trying and going as I came home and if it didnt work out in person to end it then. I was so focused on being better for her. During the last 3 weeks we barely fought and things were looking well. To be fair we didnt talk as much as we had been, but I was trying to give her space. She thought I was avoiding her, but apparently she was avoiding me and started getting short, and I didnt know what to do. I thought about abstinence and really considered supporting her in that journey and joining. She really liked the idea and wanted to totally support me. i felt this was a good thing and a good sign she could see that I actually have listened to her and I do lover her. We didnt fully finish that conversation but It was pretty much finished and she knew what I wanted to do.... to be abstinent with her.
Two weeks before breaking up she brought up the topic of her friend Austin. Apparently he had apologized for being a terrible person to her a while back, and his mother had died recently. I had no idea. Sarah told me she felt so guilty because she couldnt talk to him, when he needed someone, and I felt she was holding this over my head over a decision she made in the beginning of the relationship. I was perfectly fine with her talking to him about that, and quite frankly she didnt need my permission. I never said she couldnt talk or hang out with him. I just told her it made me feel uncomfortable. Could you blame me though? Im not saying my friendship was Summer was justified because it wasnt. At the end of that conversation she didnt want us to " push insecurities on each other." She wanted to be okay with me talking to Summer and her talking to Austin. Well. I didnt talk to Summer much and I felt really confused as to why she was acting like this. We both agreed on this, " Dont put yourself in a situation that you shouldnt be in or isnt smart." She agreed with me and said she wouldnt hang out with him alone anyways. So, I felt that two major issues we had were solved and we werent fighting much. So I had hope things were going okay, but were stale currently. We had that conversation, and the agreement of staying together and keep trying until I got home and seeing how it went from there.
A week later I talk to her, and she tells me that is totally done. That night we ended things and it was cut and dry because I had no idea what to do. I was in shock. Then I started freaking out. I tried talking to her through text and she responded. She felt that the only thing she could offer right now was friendship as she needed to heal. I called her on facetime after I asked. I was a mess and poured my heart out to her, and she told me She feels that there is no hope for us getting better and sees us fighting. I asked her for one last chance and she felt that she had given me too many. She said she couldnt go back on her word and look like a push over to her friends and family since they all knew we had broken up in 24 hours. I felt that if we loved each other why did their opinions matter... our love is what matters in the end. She still felt that she couldnt go back on her decision and I felt so confused, lost, and was just pouring my heart out crying and apologizing. The first chance was me sexting another girl and the 2nd was the inappropriate content I kept hiding from her. She feels that god is telling her that we are not meant for each other anymore and there are possibly better people out there in life. She had no idea if were meant to be together of if she wanted to ever be with me again. She told me that she didnt want to feel guilty for hanging out with Austin, becasuse apparently two nights ago before we broke up she went to go hang out with him, smoke weed, talk about his mom and random stuff. She told me nothing inappropriate happened, but she felt guilty because she couldnt tell me because I would get insecure. I never once had any problem with her guy friends, and this is the only one who made me uncomfortable. I felt like this was a stab in my back becasuse not only did she go against her word that she established a week ago by saying, " I dont think hanging out with him alone is a smart idea anyways," but because she lied to me. Sarah either felt guilty because either something happened that night that she wasn't telling me, or two she genuinely felt guilty because she lied and put herself in a situation she knew deep down wasnt a good idea. Unless she lived a 2nd life, lied about abstinence, and getting closer to god I dont think anything happened, but I was so shocked and a at a loss for words. I even tried to say it was okay, because I was trying to desperately save my relationship.
She wasnt happy, wanted to get closer to god, and closer to her family. She even felt that she might have to go kiss another guy to get over me. She literally said this. I felt so insulted. Why would someone say this to a person they love and theyre breaking up? She said that even though she loves me, and always will that we couldnt be friends for a while and it wasn't a good idea. She felt that we would just end up talking acting like nothing was wrong and it woudlnt be healthy for us. I felt I was being shut out and kept asking why she was giving up. She said she wasn't and walking away. She said we probably couldnt be friends for 6 months. I was so heart broken. It got to the point where she said I had 10 minutes to say what I need to and she was hanging up. I was so shocked, confused and heart broken. She started counting down the minutes.... literally. I tried stopping her but she was done having the conversation and wanted me off the phone. I was so crushed and wanted to know why she was acting like this. She counted down to 1 minute and then 30 seconds. The last words I said to her were, " Get closer to god please, and I love you.... Goodbye." I had pushed this girl so far away from me when the only thing she gave me was love, support and gods love.... and I turned it away because I was so arrogant, and selfish. I feel so ashamed.
I am so ashamed in myself as a man for messing up so much time and time again. I was turning god away at every turn when all she gave me was the love she had from him.... and I didnt realize that god was telling me to change the whole time until it was too late. I didnt even realize this until I started praying, asking for forgiveness, mercy, and wisdom. God was working through her the whole time and pushed him away as well. I prayed for her and me.... because she is my best friend and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but I pushed her to this point. Every time something happened it chipped away at her faith when she was so much stronger, and loyal than I. I feel like I have lost her forever, and she will never speak to me again. I prayed for god to give her strength, and pick her back up when she stumbles and falls.... because I cant be there for her, and that makes me cry and feel so heart broken that I cant be there for her. I begged for god to bring her guidance, forgiveness, mercy, and if it is in his plan.... to guide us back to one another.
I have messed up at every turn, begged for forgiveness, mercy, and I am so lost. I cry everyday while I pray. I apologized to the few girls that I had lust in my heart to flirt with, even though nothing happened. I apologized to the two girls that had tried to flirt with me, and I stood up to. I apologized to my first girlfriend and told her that I had cheated. I never told her, and that was such a cowardly action and unhonorable move. She deserved to know. So, I told her, and the girl I cheated on her with. Shockingly, most of these women forgave me, one didnt. I didnt expect her to. I didnt expect them to fully forgive me either because God is the only one who can fully forgive sins. Even though those two girls had nothing to do with my situation with Sarah I felt it was necessary to fully move on in my life, beg god for forgiveness, call God my Lord and Savior and repent my sins. The girl who sent me the butt photo that I lost my virignity to I cut all ties with. I felt that in order to repair my life and ever have a chance with Sarah she is not a person I want to be around or associate with. I am also going to cut ties with Summer. Summer was a good friend, but she is not essential or important to my life. She is not worth risking my relationship over even though she did nothing wrong. I just feel in order to be a better man and ever have any slight chance of fixing things with Sarah I need to not be friends with her. So, thats what Im going to do. I break down in my guard tower and cry. I am anxious, have a small appetite, and can barely function. Luckily my leadership sees my mental state is terrible and they are letting me take some time to mentally heal. I am so ashamed. I am broken and I feel that I have nothing to live for. She was everything to me and I pushed her to this point. I lost the best friend and the love of my life.... I dont know if I will ever be able to get her back. I wanted to get baptized and the only person I wanted by my side was her.... my best friend and the love of my life. I cry as I type this. It hurts so much. The only person I wanted to see when I got home was her.... and shes gone forever. I dont know if she will ever speak to me again.
Im sorry for the long story. Can someone help? Is there any hope for me to be a better man for myself, god, and Sarah? Will she ever speak to me again? Alot of the people I have spoken to have said that the 6 months she mentioned we couldnt be friends for was probably over exaggerated, and they suggested to contact her once I got back. A few suggested to send her a text once I was back saying, " Hi, Im back in the states and safe. I hope youre doing well and getting closer to god. If you want to talk Im here. Take care." My commander I talked to actually recommended me to message her a few weeks before coming home and asking her to come home to the " Welcome Home Ceremony" we will have the day we arrive. He said that if she truly loved and cared for me.... that she would come. I dont know if she would with all the stuff I put her through and how much I pushed her away. If I asked her to come I would pretty much have my answer if she had moved on or not. However this is only 2 months or so away. I dont know if thats enough time. Would she come to support me coming home? Would that be something that someone would do if they truly loved someone no matter how much trouble they have been through? What do you think I should do?
I do know that I am going to be focusing on prayer, studying the bible, and attending Church services when I can. I also want to attend bible studies that they host as well. Im going to continue working out. Theres only so much I can control. People say I am being too hard on myself. Yes I am, but when I honestly look at things alot of our problems were caused by me and me alone. I felt her walking away was a wake up call from god that I seriously need a life alteration and a spiritual awakening, because she gave me everything, and I rejected her and ultimately God as he tried to work through her. I am so lost. I feel broken.
EDIT: There are some updated to the story that I forgot to add, because I forgot some parts.... since the story and typing took forever.
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