I can't believe I am doing this!

[olds8598]

I am in the middle of writing a letter to my ex-wife to let her know I have overcome a negativity she saw me personally suffer with while we were married...and that I forgive her, her brother and his wife.

For those who don't know, in 2012 my former brother-in-law and his wife reneged on their promise that I could move in with them if I lost my apartment. I was downsized the prior year, couldn't get work, the Unemployment ran out, and was on the verge of being evicted. This was done without a reason and no defense by my spouse. I had a epiphany and was going to forgive all three of them, no questions asked. That was when my ex said she wanted a divorce, no man in her life, and to return living with her parents. This was done just before I started my legal battle in housing court. By God's power and help, I never was evicted, and rebounded personally and financially. Our divorced was official in August, 2013.

How did I come to this monumental event today? I saw Unbroken yesterday and it affected me both individually and in terms of my divorce. Without spoiling anything, the main character goes through one hardship after another. This is very akin to what I have felt about a portion of my life. I used to say about myself, "It's always gotta be the hard way, right God?" I no longer feel that after seeing what this WW II vet went through. He also spent several years in two Japanese prison camps. Later on he forgave his captors. This is where the divorce comes in.

Today I had plans to speak with a coworker about sales strategies and prep for a job interview this Friday. I suddenly got this feeling and I mean a FEELING to write my ex about the overcoming and to also forgive her. I do not want to do this. I had no plans to ever communicate with her. I do not want her in my life in shape or form. Yet this feeling was so strong and counter to my own view, I knew it was from Above. I also felt like I was in an out-of-body aura. When this all started I wasn't sure I was going to mail the letter. I am sure now. And I don't care what response or no response I get. I even wrote that I don't care about a reply. I just wanted to share and forgive.

I'll keep you posted.

 

[dayhiker]

olds .. I saw that movie as well ... amazing story of his life for sure. Glad it had that power effect on you. I like that your not vested in their response.

 

[Annessa3]

Olds, please look back at your previous posts. You have mentioned writing this letter many times.

 

[olds8598]

dayhiker and Annessa3,

Thanks for the replies. Good memory, Annessa. I actually had forgotten about my planned prior attempts. I guess it was time...His time.

Never have I felt so moved by God to do something--literally, physically, and spiritually.

How do I feel today? I have no regrets. I actually feel joy, not because I expect anything in the form of communication, etc. between her and I. Honestly I hope she doesn't respond. I feel this joy because, perhaps like Louie from the movie, I feel the joy of forgiving. This is something I have never felt or wanted to feel. When someone close to me wronged me, I wanted to strike back in some way, especially verbally. I also feel a lightness in my heart and my being. I remember this morning walking to the bus stop for work and I felt different. During the day I felt continued lightness and joy. I relayed what happened to my managers after the usual, "How was your weekend?" They aren't the most spiritual/religious but they both were amazed at what I did. The coworker who I was so supposed to talk to last night texted me this incredible "prayer" this morning.

God knows the desires of your heart because He has placed them in your heart. Don’t be frustrated because it’s not happening on your time. Worry ties the hands of God. We have to release the control and have the faith and the day we can say even if it doesn’t come to pass I will have a spirit of joy is the day you will see new doors opening and new opportunities.



No matter the outcome, I have proud of myself for what I did yesterday.

 

[olds8598]

dayhiker and Annessa3,

Thanks for the replies. Good memory, Annessa. I actually had forgotten about my planned prior attempts. I guess it was time...His time.

Never have I felt so moved by God to do something--literally, physically, and spiritually.

How do I feel today? I have no regrets. I actually feel joy, not because I expect anything in the form of communication, etc. between her and I. Honestly I hope she doesn't respond. I feel this joy because, perhaps like Louie from the movie, I feel the joy of forgiving. This is something I have never felt or wanted to feel. When someone close to me wronged me, I wanted to strike back in some way, especially verbally. I also feel a lightness in my heart and my being. I remember this morning walking to the bus stop for work and I felt different. During the day I felt continued lightness and joy. I relayed what happened to my managers after the usual, "How was your weekend?" They aren't the most spiritual/religious but they both were amazed at what I did. The coworker who I was so supposed to talk to last night texted me this incredible "prayer" this morning.

God knows the desires of your heart because He has placed them in your heart. Don’t be frustrated because it’s not happening on your time. Worry ties the hands of God. We have to release the control and have the faith and the day we can say even if it doesn’t come to pass I will have a spirit of joy is the day you will see new doors opening and new opportunities.



No matter the outcome, I am proud of myself for what I did yesterday.

 

[Annessa3]

I'm glad you feel good about it. I find it interesting that you found a way to do what you had been wanting to do since the divorce.
God bless-

 

[olds8598]

I'm glad you feel good about it. I find it interesting that you found a way to do what you had been wanting to do since the divorce.
God bless-

It's so true, Annessa.

I remember in late summer 2013 I decided to forgive her, the point being to help me with my own recovery. It greatly helped me heal. I realize, though, it wasn't a full forgiving because since then I occasionally felt ill toward her and went through bouts of what I called "divorce," this is where I felt mad, sad, etc. about the divorce.

I remember when in April 2013, almost to the day a year prior when she said she wanted the divorce, that she got served the papers. It was totally unexpected. Then I wished I could have seen her face and her reaction that day. Today if not tomorrow she will get the letter. Again it is unexpected, and again I wish I could see her face and reaction now.

And yet, her response isn't important.

It really doesn't matter how she responds in terms of seeing the envelope with the return label with my name and address, reading it, etc. If she contacts/doesn't contact me, it honest to God doesn't matter. I was told to do this and I did it. I never felt, probably in all my life, the Lord touch me in such a way and tell me to do something. I wrote in the letter her response doesn't matter.

I am still giddy about the whole thing and the continued feeling of relief, joy and the new sensation of the power of forgiveness . There are others who have wronged me over the decade. My cousin who was like a sister immediately comes to mind. I don't know if this episode with my ex will be the opening to forgiving my cousin and then the others, will God tell me separately for each person, or what. One thing which I learned here on the forum is that the other person may be like "You forgive me?" and feel they need no such forgiving. I actually mentioned in the letter that she, her brother and his wife, may maintain this position. I have a feeling my cousin will probably be like this. It doesn't matter how the person reacts. I did my part and as the Lord instructed me. The other person's reaction (no matter if it's bad, good, or indifferent) doesn't really have a bearing. I am not looking to reunite with my ex. I might be open to renewing relations with my cousin. We shall see!

 

[DZoolander]

I bet you can't wait for the day that you finally stop thinking about her completely, huh?

 

[dayhiker]

Its so good to read about this new level of forgiveness that your experiencing olds ... Praise God.

 

[olds8598]

Yes to both EZoolander and dayhiker.

 

[Svt4Him]

I have not seen the reason to tell someone you forgive them, why not just do it and let them see the difference in you. If you tell them, what exactly do you expect to get in return? I have forgiven my ex, but I have never told her as it seems a bit manipulative.

 

[olds8598]

I have not seen the reason to tell someone you forgive them, why not just do it and let them see the difference in you. If you tell them, what exactly do you expect to get in return? I have forgiven my ex, but I have never told her as it seems a bit manipulative.

Well, my ex and I haven't see each other since May 2012 and I don't expect to ever see her again. So she wouldn't be able to see any difference in me. I don't expect anything in return from her or her family. I had a very intense feeling a week ago today that the Lord wanted me to do this. What I have gotten out of return is from Him: the feeling like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, an appreciation for forgiveness, and a joyful spirit, mind, and being. I'm not sure how forgiving, especially in a religious/spiritual sense, can be seen as manipulative. {shrugging shoulders} But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

 

[olds8598]

It's been a week since I sent the letter of forgiveness to my ex, and she hasn't responded. And you know what? I DON'T CARE!

She didn't respond when she was served with the divorce summons in 2013 and she didn't respond when I sent back her Queen of Guadeloupe picture in 2012. So nothing's changed in her M.O.

I'll tell you one thing that has changed...that's me! I have been too wrapped up in my new job campaign which included a successful phone interview and many happy hours working on a PowerPoint presentation for this Wednesday's panel interview. After that it's the department director and then HELLO, NEW JOB!

I am also facing a new possible medical condition which for the moment has me only mildly concerned. My Father is with me every step of the way.

I am doing good on my current job. Bills are getting paid. My hockey team is doing great. And once the cold weather passes, I will be dating and start targeting for a move to a new state.

 

[dayhiker]

love hearing all the progress you have made in your life and our outlook on live, olds. Praise God.

 

[olds8598]

love hearing all the progress you have made in your life and our outlook on live, olds. Praise God.

Thanks, brother!

All victories are His; I am just the vessel He is using to achieve them.

And ditto on that "Praise God."

 

[Pepperoni]

I'm not sure how forgiving, especially in a religious/spiritual sense, can be seen as manipulative. {shrugging shoulders} But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

It does seem a bit presumptuous (even condescending) to "forgive" someone who hasn't actually asked for forgiveness. The most likely reason for this is she doesn't feel she's done anything wrong.

 

[olds8598]

It does seem a bit presumptuous (even condescending) to "forgive" someone who hasn't actually asked for forgiveness. The most likely reason for this is she doesn't feel she's done anything wrong.

Presumptuous? Condescending? Ok. Perhaps you're right. Many people who have done wrong don't feel they've done anything wrong. I have that covered with this direct quote from the letter:

I realize when forgiving someone, sometimes that the other person doesn’t feel the same way, will ask “You forgive me?” and sense they need no forgiving. If you, [your brother and his wife] feel this way, it is ok. It is also ok if you respond or don’t respond to this letter. What matters is that I feel God wanted me to write you today to share about my personal triumphant of overcoming, and to—from my perspective—forgive you, [your brother and his wife].

 

[olds8598]

Her letter arrived late yesterday afternoon. I didn’t get it until earlier this morning when I checked the mail while doing the wash. She wrote it on 1/13. (I had written mine on 1/4). It's a short letter. She wishes me happy new year and is "so happy for you because you have everything you need." She feels bad that I felt ill will toward her. "If you want or need, this is my cellphone..."

Feel bad that I felt ill will? Uh, McFly: you left me while I am on the cusp of eviction! I just shake my head at this.

I feel no regret for forgiving her and her family, peace, and a bit advantageous. The peace is that now I can leave New York with a clear and peaceful mind. The advantageous feeling I am sorry to admit is the feeling is that I can ignore her like she originally did in April 2012, no-replied when I returned her Queen of Guadalupe picture, and the divorce proceedings. I will not be calling her, partly for this advantageous feeling, mostly because I do not want her back in my life in any shape or form.

My thoughts now? 3:05 is the Packer game. When Big Blue is threw, I am a Cheesehead.

 

[olds8598]

I forgot to mention she asked for pardoning. Again, I shake my head because I already forgave her.

 

[olds8598]

The letter and envelope from my ex continue to sit up on my desk. What I love is how it has no great importance to me. I actually place more importance on the upcoming bills that are near it. I remember how going past a certain subway station or a certain date on the calendar held a special meaning for me. Now...[shrugging shoulders] I could care less.

I do not know if her giving me her cell number "in case I want or need it" and my not replying is a God-given opportunity for me to do what she did three years ago when I wrote her--the opportunity to ignore her like she ignored me. Again, I shrug my shoulders. At best this is 1% of the reason why I do not call her. The other 99% is that I don't want her in my life in any shape or form. This also has to do with my intense desire to move out of NY and I don't want anything holding me back.

I continue to feel at peace at what I did and what transpired. God willing I move this year. I recently considered sending her flowers thanking her for the 13 years together and let her know I was leaving (but not giving a forwarding address.)

Thank you sweet Jesus for the peace and joy I feel.