Hello, all. I have been dealing with infidelity for a while now. My wife doesn’t know about it, but I have told God and a close friend that is a pastor. I’m struggling with the fact if I should tell my wife, or should I keep going? I love my wife, and she’s incredible. I just don’t feel right keeping her in this marriage, knowing I haven’t been faithful. Is that guilt? Should I confess to her even though she doesn’t know and I have confessed to God, a pastor, and I’m in therapy. I need help!
Hi Anonymously,
It's great that you are recognizing a prompting by the Holy Spirit, which likely caused you to post on this site. I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here.
Yes, you need to tell your wife, immediately. Don't put it off for another minute.
Affairs are addictions. MRI scans on people addicted on various substances (alcohol, food, gaming, etc.) show the identical brain patterns for all addictions. You might as well be addicted to cocaine. In order to remove the addiction, you need to remove yourself from the substance
and make it impossible for you to access it again.
Marriages that have the highest likelihood of surviving affairs follow these steps:
a) exposure to the betrayed spouse
b) the betrayed spouse exposes the affair to literally everyone that cares about you, asking them to help you choose your marriage. Whoof, I know that's going to be a gauntlet for you, but without this step, marriages struggle to survive after affairs.
c) Exposure to the affair partner's spouse and family.
What happens when a/b/c is carried out, is you see your affair as through the eyes of others. By the posts you have made in this thread, it's obvious you're still in the fog of an affair, still self serving, still disregarding your wife. The actions in a/b/c will divest you of your fog and after some time, you will be able to see what I'm seeing in your posts here, and you will be very disgusted with yourself. That's ok. It's good to be disgusted with yourself having an affair - and is necessary for the recovery of your marriage.
Next, you need to offer your wife just compensation for your affair. This is not a mink coat or a Cybertruck for a bribe, but instead it's offering her certainty that she will NEVER have to live through something as painful as discovering an affair of yours again. Your compensation to her is:
a) fully open digital devices - all of them.
b) sending a letter to your affair partner that you never want to talk to them again in your life because you love your wife and are ending the affair (your wife gets to post this letter in the mail to ensure it is sent).
c) you block the affair partner (AP) from every device and account you have. You remove yourself from social media so there is no possibility of her contacting you.
d) You make arrangements to NEVER see the AP again in your life. If she is in your hometown, you & your wife move far away where your wife will never be triggered with the worry that you encountered her inadvertently in your day.
This is HARD work. I totally get it. But marriages who do not go through these steps generally limp along in pain, suffering and triggers upon triggers to the betrayed spouse and eventually collapse anyway. Spare yourself this long, painful and failing process and just follow the steps that are most likely to secure a successful outcome.
Again, I'm very sorry for the reasons you came to make this post. Your poor boundaries caused you to incrementally develop and feed an addiction to this person. You need to set boundaries with the opposite sex so this never happens again.
Prayers for your wife, and prayers for your marriage. Prayers for your strength to provide the best recovery path ^^ for your wife.
If you don't do this, my sisterly advice to you would be to confess the affair and offer a divorce. Under no circumstances should you deny your wife the truth about her life.
