I’ve cheated on my spouse and have confessed to God but not my spouse.

[anonymously31462]

Hello, all. I have been dealing with infidelity for a while now. My wife doesn’t know about it, but I have told God and a close friend that is a pastor. I’m struggling with the fact if I should tell my wife, or should I keep going? I love my wife, and she’s incredible. I just don’t feel right keeping her in this marriage, knowing I haven’t been faithful. Is that guilt? Should I confess to her even though she doesn’t know and I have confessed to God, a pastor, and I’m in therapy. I need help!

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Yes, you need to confess it to her unfortunately ... fidelity and exclusivity to her was/is one of the core aspects of your mutual marriage 'contract' I suspect, so when that is broken she has the right to know. Play it in reverse - would you like to know when that would have happened with her? It's very unpleasant .. but not telling her will perpetuate the secret, keep her in the dark.

Trust me, I've been there .. as the guilty party.

 

[anonymously31462]

Yes, you need to confess it to her unfortunately ... fidelity and exclusivity to her was/is one of the core aspects of your mutual marriage 'contract' I suspect, so when that is broken she has the right to know. Play it in reverse - would you like to know when that would have happened with her? It's very unpleasant .. but not telling her will perpetuate the secret, keep her in the dark.

Trust me, I've been there .. as the guilty party.

I don’t know if I would like to know if she had an affair. A part of me is saying that we all mess up and God is the only one that can forgive sin. I understand she has the right to know and I agree. I honestly just want to keep the sin to myself and God, and allow God to punish me however he sees fit. I was wrong, knew it was wrong, and still don’t want to confess it to the person it matters the most to. I hate I’m in this position, and hate that I did that to someone who loves me. Granted they have all been one night stands, I know I'm wrong and want to correct this in the eyes of God.

 

[public hermit]

Hello, all. I have been dealing with infidelity for a while now. My wife doesn’t know about it, but I have told God and a close friend that is a pastor. I’m struggling with the fact if I should tell my wife, or should I keep going? I love my wife, and she’s incredible. I just don’t feel right keeping her in this marriage, knowing I haven’t been faithful. Is that guilt? Should I confess to her even though she doesn’t know and I have confessed to God, a pastor, and I’m in therapy. I need help!

This is tricky. Sometimes we confess our misdeeds to others in order to assuage our guilty feelings, and in doing so, end up doing more harm than good. If you plan on staying in the marriage, then think long and hard before telling her. Firstly, get yourself in order. Don't assume all that is needed is confession. You have abused her trust and there is something within you that badly needs to change. Secondly, get advice from truly wise people before telling her. If you do tell her, be prepared for a lot of pain and, perhaps, a dissolution of the marriage. She will be in the right if she decides she cannot trust you and leaves. Nonetheless, marriages can survive infidelity but only with a lot of pain and work.I hope it goes as well as possible and that you find healing for whatever led you to infidelity.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I don’t know if I would like to know if she had an affair. A part of me is saying that we all mess up and God is the only one that can forgive sin. I understand she has the right to know and I agree. I honestly just want to keep the sin to myself and God, and allow God to punish me however he sees fit. I was wrong, knew it was wrong, and still don’t want to confess it to the person it matters the most to. I hate I’m in this position, and hate that I did that to someone who loves me. Granted they have all been one night stands, I know I'm wrong and want to correct this in the eyes of God.

In the case of this being an ongoing problem or struggle; have you sought treatment? It's unlikely you may be able to fight or overcome this by yourself.

 

[anonymously31462]

This is tricky. Sometimes we confess our misdeeds to others in order to assuage our guilty feelings, and in doing so, end up doing more harm than good. If you plan on staying in the marriage, then think long and hard before telling her. Firstly, get yourself in order. Don't assume all that is needed is confession. You have abused her trust and there is something within you that badly needs to change. Secondly, get advice from truly wise people before telling her. If you do tell her, be prepared for a lot of pain and, perhaps, a dissolution of the marriage. She will be in the right if she decides she cannot trust you and leaves. Nonetheless, marriages can survive infidelity but only with a lot of pain and work.I hope it goes as well as possible and that you find healing for whatever led you to infidelity.

I’m getting myself in order by going to therapy. I have definitely abused the trust I have with her, God, and I want to change! I want to stay in the marriage. I know that if I reveal this to my wife, she will more than likely leave. I’m worried that even if I tell her, it would cause more harm to her than it would me. And if that’s the case, I’d rather spare her the pain of knowing and deal with what I’m dealing with through therapy and prayer. I know this isn’t something I can beat on my own obviously, but I really want to change because this isn’t the life I want to live anymore.

 

[anonymously31462]

In the case of this being an ongoing problem or struggle; have you sought treatment? It's unlikely you may be able to fight or overcome this by yourself.

I’m currently going to therapy for myself.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I don’t know if I would like to know if she had an affair. A part of me is saying that we all mess up and God is the only one that can forgive sin. I understand she has the right to know and I agree. I honestly just want to keep the sin to myself and God, and allow God to punish me however he sees fit. I was wrong, knew it was wrong, and still don’t want to confess it to the person it matters the most to. I hate I’m in this position, and hate that I did that to someone who loves me. Granted they have all been one night stands, I know I'm wrong and want to correct this in the eyes of God.

Is the issue already corrected or just until the next opportunity comes along then you fall easily again? That's the real question. Sorry if it's a bit harsh. If it's not permanently solved then she needs to know. She would need to know so she could protect herself and maybe even assist you in remaining faithful. She is supposed to be your faithful partner in marriage as you are supposed to be hers. I don't think you HAVE TO tell her but she probably already knows. This will be painful for her even if she knows. But she may be able to assist you if she feels free to talk about it because you told her.

What does that pastor that you talked with have to say?

 

[Lost4words]

You need to tell her. She has a right to know. Its her choice after that.

Do the right thing.

 

[anonymously31462]

Is the issue already corrected or just until the next opportunity comes along then you fall easily again? That's the real question. Sorry if it's a bit harsh. If it's not permanently solved then she needs to know. She would need to know so she could protect herself and maybe even assist you in remaining faithful. She is supposed to be your faithful partner in marriage as you are supposed to be hers. I don't think you HAVE TO tell her but she probably already knows. This will be painful for her even if she knows. But she may be able to assist you if she feels free to talk about it because you told her.

What does that pastor that you talked with have to say?

The issue isn’t corrected, but I want it to be corrected because I know this isn’t right for me or for her. She doesn’t know, because I’m normally home doing things around the house. I work, but my job calls me to travel, as we as her job. Given the situation at hand, I don’t think you’re talking harshly at all. I’ve installed Covenant Eyes on my phone, and my wife has the passcode to the settings on my phone, so I can’t change it if I wanted to look at inappropriate content. I’ve started steps in the right direction. I just wanted to get some advice on if I should continue to do the work quietly, or go ahead and tell her what I’ve been dealing with. Again, telling her would still leave me with dealing with my issues alone. I’ve told her in the past that I have messed up and had a lustful heart, and it’s equivalent to cheating, but haven’t outright said that I’ve cheated, and she has forgiven me and has worked with me since telling her about it. The Pastor I’ve talked to has said if I have confessed my sins to God, then it is up to me to tell my wife, but both have severe consequences. I don’t HAVE to tell her, but it’s up to me. If I do decide to stay, I need to stop immediately and get help.

 

[anonymously31462]

You need to tell her. She has a right to know. Its her choice after that.

Do the right thing.

I agree with her having the right to know.

 

[chevyontheriver]

The issue isn’t corrected, but I want it to be corrected because I know this isn’t right for me or for her. She doesn’t know, because I’m normally home doing things around the house. I work, but my job calls me to travel, as we as her job. Given the situation at hand, I don’t think you’re talking harshly at all. I’ve installed Covenant Eyes on my phone, and my wife has the passcode to the settings on my phone, so I can’t change it if I wanted to look at inappropriate content. I’ve started steps in the right direction. I just wanted to get some advice on if I should continue to do the work quietly, or go ahead and tell her what I’ve been dealing with. Again, telling her would still leave me with dealing with my issues alone. I’ve told her in the past that I have messed up and had a lustful heart, and it’s equivalent to cheating, but haven’t outright said that I’ve cheated, and she has forgiven me and has worked with me since telling her about it. The Pastor I’ve talked to has said if I have confessed my sins to God, then it is up to me to tell my wife, but both have severe consequences. I don’t HAVE to tell her, but it’s up to me. If I do decide to stay, I need to stop immediately and get help.

The Catholic position on that would not be a hard and fast 'tell her' or 'don't tell her'. On this it would be 'it depends'.

I know of only one situation of adultery personally. The guy admitted it and for many years everything seemed OK. But he never fully addressed his character flaws and those finally led her to divorce him. So I don't think it was the adultery per se that got him dumped but his own longstanding immaturity. Whatever happens with you, do be transformed by the renewal of your mind and your heart. One way or another you have a lot of reparations to do. The easy way would be to say 'all is forgiven' and think it's all good. The hard way, but the only way that works, is for you to fix your issues in therapy and prayer and fasting and spiritual healing. And whatever happens you owe your wife big time.

In the end sin isn't worth it. It's not even that fun really.

 

[anonymously31462]

The Catholic position on that would not be a hard and fast 'tell her' or 'don't tell her'. On this it would be 'it depends'.

I know of only one situation of adultery personally. The guy admitted it and for many years everything seemed OK. But he never fully addressed his character flaws and those finally led her to divorce him. So I don't think it was the adultery per se that got him dumped but his own longstanding immaturity. Whatever happens with you, do be transformed by the renewal of your mind and your heart. One way or another you have a lot of reparations to do. The easy way would be to say 'all is forgiven' and think it's all good. The hard way, but the only way that works, is for you to fix your issues in therapy and prayer and fasting and spiritual healing. And whatever happens you owe your wife big time.

In the end sin isn't worth it. It's not even that fun really.

Agreed and understood. I hate I’m realizing now how much damage I’ve done on my own. Had doctor checkups to make sure I didn’t contract anything. I’m also unable to have kids physically. The easy way is to tell God and forget about it, but I’m committed to do the work now. I know it’s too late, but I sometimes you don’t realize what you lose until it’s gone. While it’s not gone yet, I know it will be if/when I tell her. The guilt alone will eat at me whether I tell her or not. I’m not abusive towards my wife in any way, nor do I deny her. I just don’t want to live like this anymore and want God’s help to turn away from this, as I am currently trapped in Satan’s snares. I wish to get out and remain faithful to God and my wife.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Agreed and understood. I hate I’m realizing now how much damage I’ve done on my own. Had doctor checkups to make sure I didn’t contract anything. I’m also unable to have kids physically. The easy way is to tell God and forget about it, but I’m committed to do the work now. I know it’s too late, but I sometimes you don’t realize what you lose until it’s gone. While it’s not gone yet, I know it will be if/when I tell her. The guilt alone will eat at me whether I tell her or not. I’m not abusive towards my wife in any way, nor do I deny her. I just don’t want to live like this anymore and want God’s help to turn away from this, as I am currently trapped in Satan’s snares. I wish to get out and remain faithful to God and my wife.

You are not 'trapped' as in permanently ensnared. But I think you do see that it's bad.

I know you said you cannot for some reason have children. But do treat sexual encounters as fruitful things nonetheless. I don't know if I can put this well, but one reason we wander is because we think there will be no consequences like a baby in nine months. We want our sexual encounters to be procreation free. But that ignores the fruitfulness and potency that God designed into human sexuality. You may never succeed at impregnating anyone for some biological reason, but at least see that as a real constitutive part of sex, at least to the point of wishing it were so. The quality of sex when you say "I would be happy to impregnate you" differs from when you say "pregnancy is not allowed". It's a head thing. Usually you can only say "I would be happy to impregnate you" to your wife.

 

[Lost4words]

Agreed and understood. I hate I’m realizing now how much damage I’ve done on my own. Had doctor checkups to make sure I didn’t contract anything. I’m also unable to have kids physically. The easy way is to tell God and forget about it, but I’m committed to do the work now. I know it’s too late, but I sometimes you don’t realize what you lose until it’s gone. While it’s not gone yet, I know it will be if/when I tell her. The guilt alone will eat at me whether I tell her or not. I’m not abusive towards my wife in any way, nor do I deny her. I just don’t want to live like this anymore and want God’s help to turn away from this, as I am currently trapped in Satan’s snares. I wish to get out and remain faithful to God and my wife.

Then you need to do the decent thing and tell her. Imagine being in her shoes.

Hope all can be worked out. It wont be an easy journey.

 

[Ignatius the Kiwi]

You clearly don't love your wife.

Cheating should never be accepted and as a rule cheaters should be abandoned. If I were your wife, I would do this.

 

[anonymously31462]

Thank you for your opinion. I’m not perfect, nor am I blaming anyone but myself. Totally aware of what I’ve done and I’m not proud of it. And I’m aware of what anyone else would do in this situation.

 

[chevyontheriver]

You clearly don't love your wife.

Cheating should never be accepted and as a rule cheaters should be abandoned. If I were your wife, I would do this.

Wow.

You clearly know everything about this guy.

 

[anonymously31462]

Wow.

You clearly know everything about this guy.

It’s ok. The judgement is to be expected. It is a public forum, and I admitted something that most people wouldn’t tolerate. I have to respect everyone’s opinion about the matter.

 

[chevyontheriver]

It’s ok. The judgement is to be expected. It is a public forum, and I admitted something that most people wouldn’t tolerate. I have to respect everyone’s opinion about the matter.

Yes. But Christianity is a great big reconciliation machine. Not a condemnation machine. You know you did wrong. It's going to be a bear to fix. But the goal is not to leave you condemned. It's to reconcile you to Christ, to your wife, to everyone you have hurt.