How to talk to him about making it equal?

[Readyforwhatcomes]

I experienced my 1st real BU a year ago. I loved the guy and I put my all in the relationship, he ended up taking me for granted. I am starting to date another guy and I keep having doubts, just afraid that he isn't into me as much as I am into him. I would rather be single, then be in a relationship like that again. We are doing LD and although we aren't exclusive yet, we aren't dating anyone else. He is a terrible texter (he told me that), sometimes taking hours to respond, but he does send sweet texts (good morning/night etc), sometimes I won't send him a good night text 1st just to see and 99% of the time he sends one.

He rarely initiates vid chats, but is always open to them and we could spend several hours talking. Can these doubts just be because I was hurt in the past? The guy hasn't done anything wrong, he respects me and is very sweet to me. I am going down to see him next month, he is even giving up a trip w/friends for the time I come visit (he mentioned the trip, but I didn't know when they were going). Normal to feel or no? I just want more communication from him because its an LDR, I told him that once and he has gotten better.

 

[pdudgeon]

people really can't force things.especially if it goes against their human nature.
it's possible that this guy is just taking things slow and steady and is taking the time to transition in his own life, and also the time to get to know you.

it's also possible that he has a very busy life, and not much extra time to sit and chat.
Just remember he's the one who is supposed to do the persuing here.
btw, who's idea was it to meet?
if it wasn't his, then cool your heels and wait until he asks.

 

[dayhiker]

I always try to not push a relationship but accept what the other person offers. I try to add to their life by giving to them. But I'm not looking for someone at this age to run my life. I have my own life that I have built since my divorce. I hope any woman who is interested in my has her own life as well. I don't want her to say good by to that life and focus 100% on me. At least that is what I've been looking for in my life and have found in my relationships.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

[...]But I'm not looking for someone at this age to run my life.[...]

Dayhiker, this cracked me up because I subconsciously added an "i" after the "u" in "run."

To the OP, unless you dated the other person for a very short time, you're back in it too soon. I could write a chapter on that. My 10,000 foot advice is to wait as long as the last relationship existed, plus 50% more. That way you're far less likely to carry stinky baggage into the new relationship, or subconsciously use the new relationship to resolve the old relationship's unresolved issues.

Also, I consider "long-distance relationship" an oxymoron. You can't possibly get to know someone in any meaningful way when the person isn't even around 99% of the time. Relationships are built brick by brick when two people regularly experience each other's presence over several months through life's unavoidable cycles: kind and moody, sick and healthy, stressed and at ease, unemployed and working, at their best and at their worst. Can bits traveling over the Internet provide a preview of what another person is going to be like in person over the long term? Sure? But a valid one -- one that lines up with reality? Maybe, maybe not, for any number of reasons. Anything you'd actually want to hang your future on? Nope. I could write a chapter on that, too.

 

[Servant68]

Sounds like my current relationship only it's not long distance...

She came out of a bad 8yr marriage in September(he's been in jail for the last 14 months) and was just wanting to have fun and not date. Then our mutual friends decided we would be great together and hooked us up.

She really, really likes me. I like her. I'm trying to take it slow and she is going full bore and planning vacations together.

It's scaring me off, though she is attractive, sweet, fun, we have so much in common, and is pretty much the perfect girlfriend on paper.

She wants to be together every chance she gets and I want to maintain my space and go a little slower.

I'm pretty sure she is having the same feelings of insecurity you are. Guys are taught to take women for granted to some extent. The most common advice I got from other guys regarding dating was to not seem desperate or needy or show your cards that indicate you really like someone. It was a sign of weakness and women didn't like that.

A lot of men just have it ingrained in their psyche that lots of communication, verbalization of feelings, and near constant doting on a female is not manly and makes you look weak. And women don't like weak men.

The reality is that most women would love for their man to do more of that...

 

[exitstageright]

people really can't force things.especially if it goes against their human nature.
it's possible that this guy is just taking things slow and steady and is taking the time to transition in his own life, and also the time to get to know you.

it's also possible that he has a very busy life, and not much extra time to sit and chat.
Just remember he's the one who is supposed to do the persuing here.
btw, who's idea was it to meet?
if it wasn't his, then cool your heels and wait until he asks.

The man is supposed to always be in pursuit? I have heard many christian women tell me that. But,in my case,every time that I pursue a christian woman, she runs away! So,why should I waste my time pursing someone who runs away? I would like to be pursued once in a while. Then,I would be certain that she is into me,also.
There are times,when dealing with christian women,I feel as if I am Wiley Coyote.

 

[Rasnosauj]

I experienced my 1st real BU a year ago. I loved the guy and I put my all in the relationship, he ended up taking me for granted. I am starting to date another guy and I keep having doubts, just afraid that he isn't into me as much as I am into him. I would rather be single, then be in a relationship like that again. We are doing LD and although we aren't exclusive yet, we aren't dating anyone else. He is a terrible texter (he told me that), sometimes taking hours to respond, but he does send sweet texts (good morning/night etc), sometimes I won't send him a good night text 1st just to see and 99% of the time he sends one.

He rarely initiates vid chats, but is always open to them and we could spend several hours talking. Can these doubts just be because I was hurt in the past? The guy hasn't done anything wrong, he respects me and is very sweet to me. I am going down to see him next month, he is even giving up a trip w/friends for the time I come visit (he mentioned the trip, but I didn't know when they were going). Normal to feel or no? I just want more communication from him because its an LDR, I told him that once and he has gotten better.

You should say a prayer all you want from him and chat with him seeing it come to life!

 

[rubyinprogress]

Equal might not be realistic. He doesn't think like you. He's not ever gonna think like you and therefore he's not gonna act like you. But if there is something specific that you want, he won't know unless you ask.