A question for you all. If someone gets divorced how long should they wait to start dating again? Keep in mind sometimes the divorce process can take anywhere from 6 months to 5 years.
How long to wait after divorce
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dayhiker
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Some people say 2 week for every year you were married.
Some day a person really needs to be content being alone before starting a new relationship.
Others say we need to really get to know God and let God change our heart before starting to date again.
The implication is that we can only do one thing at a time. We can't date and heal, grow and mature. Well, do we know our self? Do love people or just go around hurting most people we meet?
One of the main problems I had was that I didn't communicate well in my marriage. So how to me it didn't make since to sit in my rented room as I don't know how to learn to communicate when its just me, myself and I. So I would only accept rules that make since to your situation.
Some day a person really needs to be content being alone before starting a new relationship.
Others say we need to really get to know God and let God change our heart before starting to date again.
The implication is that we can only do one thing at a time. We can't date and heal, grow and mature. Well, do we know our self? Do love people or just go around hurting most people we meet?
One of the main problems I had was that I didn't communicate well in my marriage. So how to me it didn't make since to sit in my rented room as I don't know how to learn to communicate when its just me, myself and I. So I would only accept rules that make since to your situation.
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Good question. I'm not divorced yet. It's been three years separated...I've let God heal and change me. My ex has made it clear He doesn't want us (me n kids) don't see why I should sit around waiting. I'm ready to move on. I think as long as you are healed and have most importantly forgiven you can date. When the right one comes are you going to say no because you have not stayed single for 3 or 5 years? I struggled with this for loong but now I know God is faithfull its not about what people think but what God has to say. With prayer and fasting you'll know when its time.
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How old are your children, if you have them? And how would your dating affect them (as in your available time and your available money...along with your attention...)?
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The question was a general question. I know a lot of people who are going through a divorce and I also have just gone through a divorce. I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship and have met with a Christian therapist for over 20 sessions over the last 9 months and am about to complete a divorce care class at church. I have done a lot of introspection, healing, processing and learning.
I have many things I would do different this time around but still am going to wait a bit longer. I am going to see where I am at in 60-90 days and see if I have a peace about moving on and entering into friendships with the opposite sex that are not romantic. Once I enter into one of those friendships (whenever that is) I will see what happens and keep it in prayer. I believe a relationship is built on a strong friendship anyhow. So, by the time I am dating more time will have passed.
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions.
I have many things I would do different this time around but still am going to wait a bit longer. I am going to see where I am at in 60-90 days and see if I have a peace about moving on and entering into friendships with the opposite sex that are not romantic. Once I enter into one of those friendships (whenever that is) I will see what happens and keep it in prayer. I believe a relationship is built on a strong friendship anyhow. So, by the time I am dating more time will have passed.
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions.
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Blackribbon,
My children are 7 and 10. I read the book Dinosaurs Divorce which covers a lot of the topics that come up for kids after a divorce. They asked me when I thought I would start dating. I told them maybe in one or two years but that I was not sure. They are supportive about this. But I would want to make sure that it is in their best interest and that they get along with the woman. My kids have to come first and that person will need to understand this.
In some ways if I re-marry someday it may be a good thing in this regard because with the extra support that a wife brings I would be able to spend more time with them (to increase my custody time) and have more ease and support around parenting. It might also model for them what a healthy relationship looks like instead of what they saw (which I pray will not be a blueprint for their future relationships).
My children are 7 and 10. I read the book Dinosaurs Divorce which covers a lot of the topics that come up for kids after a divorce. They asked me when I thought I would start dating. I told them maybe in one or two years but that I was not sure. They are supportive about this. But I would want to make sure that it is in their best interest and that they get along with the woman. My kids have to come first and that person will need to understand this.
In some ways if I re-marry someday it may be a good thing in this regard because with the extra support that a wife brings I would be able to spend more time with them (to increase my custody time) and have more ease and support around parenting. It might also model for them what a healthy relationship looks like instead of what they saw (which I pray will not be a blueprint for their future relationships).
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God's answer to your question is the day your ex dies. But most don't take much stock In what He has to say about it.
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Kenyamom,
I empathize with your situation. That must be hard. You have had sufficient time to heal, process and move on and yet legally you are still bound. Kudos to you for allowing God to heal you and change you!
I also agree with you that it is a personal decision that one must make not contingent about what others think. I will pray for your situation. That you can be loosed from this legal binding and be free in every sense to move on.
I empathize with your situation. That must be hard. You have had sufficient time to heal, process and move on and yet legally you are still bound. Kudos to you for allowing God to heal you and change you!
I also agree with you that it is a personal decision that one must make not contingent about what others think. I will pray for your situation. That you can be loosed from this legal binding and be free in every sense to move on.
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Grafted In,
I take into account what individuals who are filled with the Spirit have to say on this topic as well as if it aligns with inner peace and scripture. Yet, I am leery of when someone speaks for God as His mouthpiece.
If only it was that easy. Each situation is different and unique and Bible does not go into every situation that we encounter. The answers to these questions come in a large part through prayer and a peace that God gives us.
I take into account what individuals who are filled with the Spirit have to say on this topic as well as if it aligns with inner peace and scripture. Yet, I am leery of when someone speaks for God as His mouthpiece.
If only it was that easy. Each situation is different and unique and Bible does not go into every situation that we encounter. The answers to these questions come in a large part through prayer and a peace that God gives us.
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Thank you bluedart I appreciate that. The binding weighs me down. Grafted In has pointed out something that we chose to ignore and personally as much as I've moved on I wonder about what the bible has to say. I had a discussion with some friends from church and they seemed very sure that it was ok to remarry. I however haven't come across scripture confirming this.
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dayhiker
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The bill of divorcement said one thing, that the woman was free to remarry who every she wanted to. A few have been found that said they could remarry any Jewish man. The Jews in Jesus day didn't know anything about not being able to remarry after a divorce. That's a new interpretation of Paul's writing. But Paul in context wasn't talking about people are remarriage. But about how the Jews were married to the Law. Since the law is perfect and never does anything wrong there was no reason for anyone to divorce the law. But Jesus came and too the law and the penalty of the law and died so they can now free from the law and can live by grace.
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Kenyanmom,
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 states the following (NAV):
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she find no favour in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, and give [it] in her hand, and sends her out from his house.
a. A certificate of divorce: According to these laws, divorce was allowed in Israel, but carefully regulated. Under God’s law, the marriage contract cannot be simply dissolved as soon as one partner wants out; there must be cause for a certificate of divorce. The certificate of divorce also protected women from being accused of adultery.
Indecency in Moses time covered more than just sexual immorality.
Now this seems different from Matthew 19:9.
"And some Pharisees came to Him, tempting Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?"
And He answered and said , "Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, And said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
They say unto him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?"
He said to them, "Because of the hardness of your heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery."
Intention of Marriage
Jesus, in the first part of this verse, is telling us of the intention of marriage. God's plan for it is that it is forever. Whenever this does not happen we have fallen short of the goal or ideal of marriage. We are not necessarily in sin but we did not accomplish what God intended for marriage.
Hard Hearts
Jesus states that in Moses time it was allowed because the Jews could not live up to a higher standard because their hearts were hard. They did not have the living Christ within them to change their hearts and model love in the toughest of circumstances.
When a married couple is seriously considering divorce or gets a divorce usually their hearts are very hard. They have been burned, hurt, burned out and in despair. Some would say they cannot take more or they may lose their worth or personhood.
God seems to know when his children are in this place and cannot keep the covenant. He makes a way for them to move on with Moses and I believe still today. Yet, we must realize we did fall short of the ideal that God had for marriage. It is good to mourn this and to recognize this before God.
I think both partners would have to have Christ and partner with the Spirit for the relationship to work (possibly meet with a therapist, pastor, etc.) .If only one is doing the work and the other's heart is hard divorce can be inevitable. We cannot change others and make them stay married or get them to become healthy so that our marriage cannot affect our children in a negative way.
Two Schools of Thought
Going back to Jesus raising the bar on divorce. Jesus says that it is ok if there is marital unfaithfulness to divorce. When he is speaking he is speaking to two different groups of people.
He is speaking to a group that believes that you should never divorce and one that believed it was okay for smallest infraction. So, when he shares with them I believe he is saying it is not okay to divorce for smallest infraction and also saying that there are circumstances where it may be warranted (marital unfaithfulness). He was talking in this context and taking them back to God's ideal for marriage.
If one of the parties leaves for a small infraction and then remarries it is like they cheated on the marriage covenant and committed adultery.
So, in this verse Jesus is answering a specific question and speaking in a certain context. If he was asked about domestic violence, dealing with someone who has an addiction or dealing with someone who is a non-believer and wants to leave the marriage he would have answered these questions more directly. But he wasn't.
Paul did address someone who is dealing with a non-believer and wants to leave. He added to what Jesus said. He was talking about this topic. There are some topics that didn't come up back then like domestic violence, child abuse, addictions. For these topics we must ask the Spirit of God to lead us.
Note: Paul writes in Corinthians that if the non-believer leaves we are free to divorce and re-marry.
I hope this is helpful. Thanks for posting your question Kenyanmom.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 states the following (NAV):
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she find no favour in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, and give [it] in her hand, and sends her out from his house.
a. A certificate of divorce: According to these laws, divorce was allowed in Israel, but carefully regulated. Under God’s law, the marriage contract cannot be simply dissolved as soon as one partner wants out; there must be cause for a certificate of divorce. The certificate of divorce also protected women from being accused of adultery.
Indecency in Moses time covered more than just sexual immorality.
Now this seems different from Matthew 19:9.
"And some Pharisees came to Him, tempting Him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause at all?"
And He answered and said , "Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, And said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
They say unto him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?"
He said to them, "Because of the hardness of your heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery."
Intention of Marriage
Jesus, in the first part of this verse, is telling us of the intention of marriage. God's plan for it is that it is forever. Whenever this does not happen we have fallen short of the goal or ideal of marriage. We are not necessarily in sin but we did not accomplish what God intended for marriage.
Hard Hearts
Jesus states that in Moses time it was allowed because the Jews could not live up to a higher standard because their hearts were hard. They did not have the living Christ within them to change their hearts and model love in the toughest of circumstances.
When a married couple is seriously considering divorce or gets a divorce usually their hearts are very hard. They have been burned, hurt, burned out and in despair. Some would say they cannot take more or they may lose their worth or personhood.
God seems to know when his children are in this place and cannot keep the covenant. He makes a way for them to move on with Moses and I believe still today. Yet, we must realize we did fall short of the ideal that God had for marriage. It is good to mourn this and to recognize this before God.
I think both partners would have to have Christ and partner with the Spirit for the relationship to work (possibly meet with a therapist, pastor, etc.) .If only one is doing the work and the other's heart is hard divorce can be inevitable. We cannot change others and make them stay married or get them to become healthy so that our marriage cannot affect our children in a negative way.
Two Schools of Thought
Going back to Jesus raising the bar on divorce. Jesus says that it is ok if there is marital unfaithfulness to divorce. When he is speaking he is speaking to two different groups of people.
He is speaking to a group that believes that you should never divorce and one that believed it was okay for smallest infraction. So, when he shares with them I believe he is saying it is not okay to divorce for smallest infraction and also saying that there are circumstances where it may be warranted (marital unfaithfulness). He was talking in this context and taking them back to God's ideal for marriage.
If one of the parties leaves for a small infraction and then remarries it is like they cheated on the marriage covenant and committed adultery.
So, in this verse Jesus is answering a specific question and speaking in a certain context. If he was asked about domestic violence, dealing with someone who has an addiction or dealing with someone who is a non-believer and wants to leave the marriage he would have answered these questions more directly. But he wasn't.
Paul did address someone who is dealing with a non-believer and wants to leave. He added to what Jesus said. He was talking about this topic. There are some topics that didn't come up back then like domestic violence, child abuse, addictions. For these topics we must ask the Spirit of God to lead us.
Note: Paul writes in Corinthians that if the non-believer leaves we are free to divorce and re-marry.
I hope this is helpful. Thanks for posting your question Kenyanmom.
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Messy
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Yes, I guess so in my situation. I don't know. He chatted for 3 years, sex once a year to get a kid, he didn't feel attracted to me anymore and I had a prenatal depression and got the wrong medication, which ended in a suicide attack. He was shocked and said he wanted to divorce, he said that before I did the attack, that he would get the kids. Phoned me in the mental hospital. He wasn't really sure, but I said: You wanna wait 5 years, how long seperated? He didn't know. I said: Do you mind if I take someone else? He said: I wouldn't care less if you took 10. So 2 days later I run off with a fellow patient, jumped into bed with him, I was totally unstable and insane at the moment and then I smoked pot and thought God said I was married now, because he had been having an affair I had a biblical reason. Well 7 weeks later he phoned me if I wanted to come back, but I couldn't, I was already married to the other guy, we did that ourselves and Leviticus says it's a sin to go back to your ex. I thought God approved, lived together in sin for a year, believing I was remarried with a Biblical reason and then we were officially divorced and the guy didn't want to marry legally, it costed to much, I had to pay alimony then. That's when I saw I was mislead (I fell off my faith by the way and he was an atheist and on drugs, my first husband was a pastor), he was done with it too, because I got the kids back and he didn't like them, he was autistic. Phoned my ex, he wanted to try again, he said, but he was dating someone else, which I didn't know. Then he said he didn't find me attractive anymore and the guy wanted to talk things out, so we married within 2 months since sex before marriage is a big sin. Then I was remarried and from day one I thought I was the one that committed adultery now. It was a disaster of course, divorced 1,5 years later. It was a sin to remarry and a sin to divorce I thought. Well when he was finally through with it and tried to choke me, I was free. If the unbeliever leaves, let him go. Before we married he said he was very interested in God and went to church and he didn't do drugs anymore. Within a few months he started again and he just hated it that I was a christian. My first ex remarried too with someone who was divorced twice, after 6 months she left him, because he didn't have enough money. In that time I had my third boyfriend, only a month, he's really sweet, but he lives far away and 3 kids.. he said I love you, but I want a family of my own. Stayed friends with him, only on a forum and sometimes we phoned, never saw him.
Well now my first ex is in my house all the time, because he called the kids cops that I didn't clean up and now I can only have them with an adult around and since my parents live too far away and I have no friends, he's the adult. If he doesn't do this and just gives them, they might place the kids with other people. He just wanted me to get help with bringing them up, but here we are, I was not alone with Christmas with my ex in my bedroom (I only have 2 rooms) and me and the kids in the other. He comes here, because he has no internet yet and he's skyping all the time with that woman that was the cause of our divorce. The church was doing well again, since we repented and I also went there, but I never believed it that he really chatted, thought it was all my fault, now I heard for myself. Now God forgives everything and I don't even hate that woman anymore and if He's okay with it, what do I care? But it just doesn't feel good all this grace teaching and ask forgiveness and marry another. I felt so lonely now and the exboyfriend called me if I wanted to meet just as friends (hmm). I'm really in love with him, he's sweet and since I know this I might think yeah I had a Biblical reason, but this sunday there's no church. This isn't good. We had a calling for ministry and we're just busy with ourselves. I asked the Lord a few months back: What do You want? Do I have to go back to my first ex or second ex or marry this guy? He said: Marry Me, time is short. They married and were giving into marriage. So I believe I'd best just stay alone. I Always thought in Noah's time angels had sex with women, but I don't see that happening now and it would be like in the days of Noah. What I do see is what happened then: the sons of God, the christians marry whom they want without any Biblical reason. 1,2,3,4, who cares?
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I understand your displeasure with my words. Will you allow me to amend my post by saying that I diligently sought His will in my own case and found no justification for divorce even though my wife had an affair. This whole thing has been harder than I can put into words, but God must have a reason for our marriage to remain intact. He just ain't saying but I chose to believe. Frankly I wish He'd given me a big "thumbs up" to move on and find another wife. So, I hope you can see that I'm not an arrogant SOB trying to lift myself up in your eyes. I cannot find justification for divorcing her. I believe, at least in my case, he wants to restore a bad situation and I suspect that's true in most, if not all, situations. It's not as though I can't feel others' pain. I just think He wants every marriage to be whole.
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Grafted in
I respect your dedication to your marriage. I used to believe like you. However, in the past few years I have seem way too many people who actually have decided to fight for marriages that their spouses did not want and have watched the spirit just die right out of them. I cannot believe that there are not times when psychological abuse isn't much worse than physical abuse, including sexual infidelity. To be told daily whether directly or indirectly that you are not worthy of being loved is an slow awful death.
I respect your dedication to your marriage. I used to believe like you. However, in the past few years I have seem way too many people who actually have decided to fight for marriages that their spouses did not want and have watched the spirit just die right out of them. I cannot believe that there are not times when psychological abuse isn't much worse than physical abuse, including sexual infidelity. To be told daily whether directly or indirectly that you are not worthy of being loved is an slow awful death.
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Grafted In,
Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I respect your decision to stay in your marriage. I also made this decision to stay for 8 more years. My wife's anger problems continued, though, and they were starting to affect me and my kids in ways that were very unhealthy. Jesus says in the case of sexual immorality that it is okay (meaning that he understands there are circumstances where it is appropriate to leave). I believe God released me from an unhealthy and abusive marriage. Two Christian therapist also agreed with me in this regard.
If my wife had changed her behavior I would have continued to stay.
When you no longer are living out your full potential in Christ and your personhood is deteriorating you are no good to anyone.
I would add that I do think it is important that we do not just stay in a marriage because we think that is what we are supposed to do. It is important that if we decide to say in a marriage that it moves towards getting healthy and that we long and desire for that. It is key to still love this person. I hope that is the case with your situation. I wasn't sure why you wish God would've let you move on. If you are committed and love your wife, I hope God will fully restore your marriage and it may be the best for you and your wife.
Thanks for sharing more about your situation. I respect your decision to stay in your marriage. I also made this decision to stay for 8 more years. My wife's anger problems continued, though, and they were starting to affect me and my kids in ways that were very unhealthy. Jesus says in the case of sexual immorality that it is okay (meaning that he understands there are circumstances where it is appropriate to leave). I believe God released me from an unhealthy and abusive marriage. Two Christian therapist also agreed with me in this regard.
If my wife had changed her behavior I would have continued to stay.
When you no longer are living out your full potential in Christ and your personhood is deteriorating you are no good to anyone.
I would add that I do think it is important that we do not just stay in a marriage because we think that is what we are supposed to do. It is important that if we decide to say in a marriage that it moves towards getting healthy and that we long and desire for that. It is key to still love this person. I hope that is the case with your situation. I wasn't sure why you wish God would've let you move on. If you are committed and love your wife, I hope God will fully restore your marriage and it may be the best for you and your wife.
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Messy
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I had angerproblems/ borderline and God delivered me and brought me to repentance.
I sure wish I'd never remarried and he said he shouldn't have done it. We had no Biblical reason. I found out the wrrong way it's only in the Bible to protect us: stay single or reconcile. He was chatting with her again now and God wants us to step out now and win Holland. I prayed for him that God would show him it wasn't good, but He didn't immediately do that, so I agreed to go out with my exboyfriend again and yesterday I thought: No, I can still cancel it now, this is not good at all. Today my ex said God told him to pray again and get out on the Streets to win people and he quit this affair, he told me that after I told him about this.
He said: We have to lay our life down completely and not just give Him a part.
I sure wish I'd never remarried and he said he shouldn't have done it. We had no Biblical reason. I found out the wrrong way it's only in the Bible to protect us: stay single or reconcile. He was chatting with her again now and God wants us to step out now and win Holland. I prayed for him that God would show him it wasn't good, but He didn't immediately do that, so I agreed to go out with my exboyfriend again and yesterday I thought: No, I can still cancel it now, this is not good at all. Today my ex said God told him to pray again and get out on the Streets to win people and he quit this affair, he told me that after I told him about this.
He said: We have to lay our life down completely and not just give Him a part.
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Try as I might I could not circumvent 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 verses 10 & 11. I may have been able to justify divorcing her but the cost would be a life of abstinence and, as our pastor at the time pointed out, not be around to watch my kids grow up. By staying in a situation I'd
have given almost anything to get out of God blessed me with a second daughter a year and a half later and 2 incredible grandkids. So I have to believe that, though He may not heal all of the wounds, He will bless those who obey.
I've come to look at it this way: I could have done things my way and perhaps even found the kind of wife I desired, but I would have missed His very best. I try very hard to be kind to those who want out of a marriage, but if the opportunity presents itself I urge them to think long and hard and to seek the face of God. Today my marriage is still a mess, but oh.....those grandkids!!!
have given almost anything to get out of God blessed me with a second daughter a year and a half later and 2 incredible grandkids. So I have to believe that, though He may not heal all of the wounds, He will bless those who obey.
I've come to look at it this way: I could have done things my way and perhaps even found the kind of wife I desired, but I would have missed His very best. I try very hard to be kind to those who want out of a marriage, but if the opportunity presents itself I urge them to think long and hard and to seek the face of God. Today my marriage is still a mess, but oh.....those grandkids!!!
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