How do you manage it?

[Myfanwy]

Without the option of abortion, how do a Christian couple choose to be child-free? How is it possible? All contraceptives have a failure rate. Therefore, sooner or later a couple are going to find that they are pregnant, so how can they "choose" to be child-free?

A new forum for couples who choose not to have children.

Edit: Apologies for posting here, inadvertently. I hope you do not mind. I am just curious to know how child-free couples can manage to remain child-free throughout their lives. I am not here to debate.

 

[Mskedi]

Contraception may not be 100% reliable, but the vast majority have success with it. There's also the option of a vasectomy (the route we'll be taking).

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Edit: Apologies for posting here, inadvertently. I hope you do not mind. I am just curious to know how child-free couples can manage to remain child-free throughout their lives. I am not here to debate.

That's good, because I was going to say, this forum is meant to be a safe place for the childfree. It's not here so that people who have children can have a place to come to try to make the childfree defend ourselves, our decisions, or our choices. We get enough flack in the other forums, and in the rest of the world.

But anyway, since you're being so nice about it, I'll answer from my point of view. I am infertile. However, my husband and I are choosing to be childfree by not opting for fertility treatments or adoption.

If God chooses to "open my womb" and give us a child, we'll make the best of it, but that's not something we desire and it's not something we'll try to make happen.

And concerning those who use contraception, just because contraception has a failure rate, doesn't mean it fails for everyone eventually. And as Mskedi said, vasectomy is an option. There are also those who have had their tubes tied or have had hysterectomies.

 

[fuzzymel]

Nothing is 100% but if you are careful and take the pill at the same time every day etc. then the failure rate is not too bad. Plus say its got a 95% success rate well whats to say you will get pregnant in that 5%?

There is also permanent birth control.


I never really believe most accidents. They tend to happen when people make mistakes like having sex when on anti-biotics (stops the pill working) or just getting carried away and forgetting a condom.

 

[bluebug83]

All contraceptives have a failure rate. Therefore, sooner or later a couple are going to find that they are pregnant, so how can they "choose" to be child-free?

Just because contraceptives have a failure rate doesn't mean that every couple is certain to have a failure sometime in their lifetime. Also, some couples are infertile or sterile, or use more than one method of contraception, which reduces the chance of an "oopsie".

Contraception may not be 100% reliable, but the vast majority have success with it.

Exactly my thoughts. I also think that different couples have more or less diligence with contraceptive use than others. Some will give in at the heat of the moment when they know they are not protected, and just hope that they'll be lucky and not get pregnant. I also read something not too long ago that said that a majority of women on the pill don't know how to use it properly (take it at the exact same time every day)...that helps explain some of the "pill babies". I also doubt that many women that miss a pill, take one late, or take antibiotics choose to abstain until their contraception effectivness is back to normal. I admit I always get a little suspicious when I hear people say "We used a condom AND was on the pill, and I still got pregnant!" I know that the failure rate of using those two methods together is something like 1 in a thousand, and I've heard enough people say that where I would suspect there was some kind of contraceptive misuse going on.

Aside from this, I do realize that there is NEVER a 100% guarantee, even if you use three methods perfectly, but I suspect many of the failures that happen are due to lack of perfect contraceptive use. And I don't think very many people are willing to admit that their contraception use was less than perfect when their "oopsie" was conceived...it's easier to blame a medication or inanimate object than human error.

 

[Epoh99]

...But anyway, since you're being so nice about it, I'll answer from my point of view...

I was thinking the same thing.

My husband and I knew the risk of birth control failing due to so many families that we know who have had "oops." Because of that he had a vasectomy prior to our marriage and then for the first couple of months of marriage we used condoms to make sure his vasectomy had taken effect.

We do realize that there are instances where vasectomies even fail but we've been married for over 7 years and so far so good.

 

[Rhododendron]

God plants desires in all of our hearts. If that desire is God given, then children won't happen. If we desire not to have children, but we become pregnant, it was not a desire planted in our heart by God, but was God's will for our life. Regardless of birth control, God is GOD, and if He wants anyone to have a baby, it will happen. Us childfree (well, I'll just speak for myself anyway ) just put it in God's hands.

If it's God's will for me to not have children, then the bc WILL be 100%.

Just my little tidbit LOL!

 

[snoochface]

I'll echo what everyone else has said about contraceptives. It's very easy to choose to be child-free. A small failure rate does not mean we are all going to eventually end up pregnant. Before I became a Christian, I was on the pill for 15+ years, having copious amounts of sex, and I never turned up pregnant.

My husband had a vasectomy, which is about as close to 100% effective as you can get short of a hysterectomy. That was easy for him to choose, too. He did it before we ever met.

For the sake of discussion (not debate), where did you get the idea that just because there is a failure rate, it means we will inevitably become pregnant?

 

[Myfanwy]

For the sake of discussion (not debate), where did you get the idea that just because there is a failure rate, it means we will inevitably become pregnant?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_control

Effectiveness is measured by how many women become pregnant using a particular birth control method in a year. Thus, if 100 women use a method that has a 12% failure rate, sometime during that year, 12 of the women will become pregnant.

http://www.fda.gov/Fdac/features/1997/babytabl.html

Male Condom, Latex/Polyurethane

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 11

Female Condom

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 21

Diaphragm with Spermicide

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 17

Lea's Shield

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 15

Cervical Cap with Spermicide

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): Prentiff Cap--17; FemCap--23

Sponge with Spermicide

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 14-28

Spermicide Alone

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 20-50

Oral Contraceptives--combined pill

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 1-2

Oral Contraceptives--progestin-only minipill

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 2

Oral Contraceptives--91-day regimen (Seasonale)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 1-2

Patch (Ortho Evra)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 1-2 (Appears to be less effective in women weighing more than 198 pounds.)

Vaginal Contraceptive Ring (NuvaRing)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 1-2

Post-Coital Contraceptives (Preven and Plan B)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): Almost 80 percent reduction in risk of pregnancy for a single act of unprotected sex *

Injection (Depo-Provera)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

Injection (Lunelle)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

Implant (Norplant)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

IUD (Intrauterine Device)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

Periodic Abstinence

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): 20

Trans-abdonimal Surgical Sterilization--female (Falope Ring, Hulka Clip, Filshie Clip)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

Sterilization Implant--female (Essure System)

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

Surgical Sterilization--male

Failure Rate (number of pregnancies expected per 100 women per year): less than 1

*Preven and Plan B: - Does this mean that there is a 20% failure rate????

OK, to answer your question: if we take the average failure rate to be 5%, that means that out of 100 women per year, 5 will get pregnant. Now if you look at a single woman's reproductive life, it spans more than 30 years. So in 30 years, what will be that woman's risk of pregnancy?

I have a few relatives and friends who used contraception for 8-10 years before becoming pregnant by accident. One of them was using an IUD at the time.

Note: I do not have any agenda to promote by posting here. (I do not work for the Catholic Church. I attend the Anglican Church and have asked someone to change my icon but they have not got round to it yet.)

 

[Rebekka]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_control



http://www.fda.gov/Fdac/features/1997/babytabl.html



*Preven and Plan B: - Does this mean that there is a 20% failure rate????

OK, to answer your question: if we take the average failure rate to be 5%, that means that out of 100 women per year, 5 will get pregnant. Now if you look at a single woman's reproductive life, it spans more than 30 years. So in 30 years, what will be that woman's risk of pregnancy?

I have a few relatives and friends who used contraception for 8-10 years before becoming pregnant by accident. One of them was using an IUD at the time.

Note: I do not have any agenda to promote by posting here. (I do not work for the Catholic Church. I attend the Anglican Church and have asked someone to change my icon but they have not got round to it yet.)

Hi Myfanwy - I thought another catholic had posted on this forum, but alas, you're Anglican! LOL.

I typed an elaborate post but when I clicked preview it disappeared! (grrrrr.) So I will keep it briefer this time.

I have two points about the impossibility, in your eyes, to choose to be childfree.
1. You are right, birth control can and does fail in some cases, but as others have pointed out already, the fact that it fails for some doesn't mean it has to fail for all. The fact that we use birth control and the fact that birth control fails sometimes, doesn't mean the birth control will fail all of the time, or in everyone's life! So childfreedom is very well possible. Most childfree will be more careful with their birth control than people who only want to postpone children. Many childfree have had a vasectomy or a tubal ligation, and those are more reliable than temporary forms of birth control.

2. More importantly, however, is that we shouldn't mix up choice and reality. You can choose things in life, and if reality turns out differently this doesn't change your choice! If I choose to remain childless and by accident I get pregnant anyway, this doesn't mean that I didn't choose to be childless! You are right that some childfree people will end up with kids, but you are wrong to state that they didn't choose to be childless then! They chose to be childfree, but they got pregnant anyway. Doesn't mean that they chose to get pregnant! So I don't understand what you mean. Everyone can choose to remain childless, even when they end up with kids because birth control failed.

Also, childfreedom is not very common. Most people who use birth control are not childfree - most people who use birth control already have kids, or plan to have kids later. Most birth control that fails will therefore fail on non-childfree people, because there aren't too many of us.

 

[Rebekka]

Also (I won't edit because then I might lose the entire post - the forum is acting funny again), to give a personal example, I will not be able to get pregnant for more than 30 years in my life. I married at 28, didn't become sexually active before that, so my chances for pregnancy are not really as dramatic as for a woman who marries younger (or becomes sexually active at a younger age). I don't expect to be still fertile when I'm 58.

I wanted to say another thing, that I had mentioned in my original post that disappeared. There are threads on this childfree forum, a few pages back I think, about what we would do in case of unexpected pregnancy. For some here that would be miraculous, as they are either infertile or have had hysterectomies, for others it would be unlikely because of tubal ligation or vasectomy of the husband, but we all agreed on one thing: no one here would abort their child, and most of us would accept it lovingly and raise it in the best possible way. So if birth control fails, we would become parents.

But although it may fail, it is not very likely that it will fail, and even if it failed for some of us here that doesn't mean that being childfree, or choosing to be so, is impossible.

 

[Rebekka]

Oh, and a third post: even if birth control doesn't work, that doesn't mean you will get pregnant. It has to fail when you're ovulating, and even then a woman doesn't always get pregnant.

 

[snoochface]

If a birth control method has a 5% failure rate, and a person uses that form of birth control for 30 years, that birth control method has .... a 5% failure rate. The failure rate doesn't go up because you use it for a longer period of time. It's still just 5%.

 

[Myfanwy]

Hi Myfanwy - I thought another catholic had posted on this forum, but alas, you're Anglican! LOL.

Only very recently! I was raised Catholic and was Catholic right up until a couple of months ago. I converted to Anglicanism because of the Birth Control issue in the Catholic Church. Some people (in my family and on CF) just would not permit me to be Catholic AND use birth control. It must be an amazing feat to be able to REMAIN Catholic and to decide to be child-free. I'm not sure how you managed it but you have my admiration.

I wanted to say another thing, that I had mentioned in my original post that disappeared. There are threads on this childfree forum, a few pages back I think, about what we would do in case of unexpected pregnancy. For some here that would be miraculous, as they are either infertile or have had hysterectomies, for others it would be unlikely because of tubal ligation or vasectomy of the husband, but we all agreed on one thing: no one here would abort their child, and most of us would accept it lovingly and raise it in the best possible way. So if birth control fails, we would become parents.

That is wonderful to hear!! That is the ONLY thing that worries me about people who say that they will be child-free. But if you are all against abortion then that is just WONDERFUL. Good luck to you.
God bless.

 

[Rebekka]

Only very recently! I was raised Catholic and was Catholic right up until a couple of months ago. I converted to Anglicanism because of the Birth Control issue in the Catholic Church. Some people (in my family and on CF) just would not permit me to be Catholic AND use birth control. It must be an amazing feat to be able to REMAIN Catholic and to decide to be child-free. I'm not sure how you managed it but you have my admiration.



That is wonderful to hear!! That is the ONLY thing that worries me about people who say that they will be child-free. But if you are all against abortion then that is just WONDERFUL. Good luck to you.
God bless.

Thanks! Well it is hard, because here on CF a day doesn't go by on the catholic forum without contraception being condemned as being part of a "culture of death". In my church it is difficult too. In my family luckily it's not a problem, because my parents are liberal catholics (well my mum is - my dad's an atheist actually) and my inlaws used birth control themselves. I'm sorry to hear that your family gave you such a hard time about it!

The reason why I can combine childfreedom with catholicism is that contraception is not a catholic dogma and it is not a faith issue. Dogmas are infallible and can't change; the church always says that the (doctrinal, not dogmatic) issue of contraception won't change, but theoretically it could change. So that's why I feel I can follow my conscience in this - you're supposed to listen to your conscience anyway. It must be an informed conscience, but I have studied all the church's teachings on birth control elaborately, and while I agree with some of it I can't agree with all of it because I think it is inconsistent.

If catholics accuse fellow catholics of "cafetaria catholicism", of picking and choosing what they like about the church and ignoring the rest, they should think by themselves if they agree with 100% of the entire catechism or all the things the pope says. I'm sure that they will all find at least one tiny thing that they can't believe or do. To give an example, the pope is more of a pacifist and more of an environmentalist than many American catholics. Still, as long as they don't practice artificial birth control they think they are no cafetaria catholics. Well, that's picking and choosing too!

Besides, if I choose to not "pick" this one issue of the church, birth control, which has nothing to do with dogma or faith, that doesn't make me a cafetaria catholic. For that epithet I'd have to dissent with more issues than just the contraception one. You can't kick me out just because I disagree with 0.001% of your rules and dogmas! It doesn't make sense to say that you can only be a catholic if there isn't a single doubt or disagreement with the church - you'd have no one left!

If the church is seen as the bride of Christ - if we look at our church as a marriage type of thing, then I don't think 100% agreement is necessary to have a valid marriage. My husband and I are very much alike, we agree on most things, but not on every single thing. Still our marriage is valid and good. That's how I see the contraception issue too. I don't know who is right, the church or me (personally I think I am, of course - but I'm not God, I don't know), but it doesn't make our marriage invalid. There can be love between spouses who disagree on one single thing.

Hope that explains it a bit! By the way, I think the Welsh flag is one of the prettiest flags in the world!

 

[Rebekka]

If a birth control method has a 5% failure rate, and a person uses that form of birth control for 30 years, that birth control method has .... a 5% failure rate. The failure rate doesn't go up because you use it for a longer period of time. It's still just 5%.

Yes, that's what I thought too.

 

[HeyHomie]

I've had a vasectomy. I'd say we're going to manage quite well for the next twenty years.

 

[Epoh99]

... That is the ONLY thing that worries me about people who say that they will be child-free. But if you are all against abortion then that is just WONDERFUL....

Oh my, I had no idea that that was what you were thinking. Heavens no, I am completely anti-abortion and although we choose to be childfree if for some reason I did become pregnant the childfreedom would obvioulsy end. My husband and I would love and raise the baby to the best of our ability.

 

[desmalia]

Oh my, I had no idea that that was what you were thinking. Heavens no, I am completely anti-abortion and although we choose to be childfree if for some reason I did become pregnant the childfreedom would obvioulsy end. My husband and I would love and raise the baby to the best of our ability.

Same here.

Let's also not forget that for those couples who simply could not handle raising a kid, there is still the option of adoption. It's not just for young single moms. And there are plenty of wonderful couples out there who would gladly raise the child as their own. These days there is even the option of open adoption, where the birth parents can have some contact with the child from time to time if they want.

 

[fuzzymel]

I agree.

I think I would seriously consider adoption if I had a child. I just dont think I am cut out to be a mother. There are so many mothers without children in the world that giving a child to one of them should never be looked on as a bad thing.