I am curious to know what should a "good Christian husband" do about his wife's incessant negativity? I know incessant is a strong word, but anything else would not convey it accurately. I love my wife, I truly do, but nearly every conversation with her is filled with complaints, pessimism, or just flat out negativity. Even when I try to point out positives or be optimistic, she mounts an even stronger argument as to why things are bad and then alienates me because I don't see things her way. It is becoming a substantial mental and emotional drain to remain positive around her and I'm finding myself actually dreading being with her or taking her phone calls. I'm not meaning to paint a bad picture of my wife--she's beautiful and I love her dearly--rather, I have no idea how to metabolize her negativity and how to keep our daughter (11 years old) from assimilating that same negativity, which I'm already starting to see. When I try to talk to her about her negativity she blows it completely out of proportion and treats me as if I have done something wrong, defamed her character, and called her "good for nothing." It's gotten to the point where I've just resigned to simply letting her go on with her complaints and negativity and offering no feedback or dialogue (which has not produced great results either). I have no idea what to do?
Hello Cy. It is great to meet you, and I am so glad you asked this question.
From what you have said, it appears your wife is trying to tell you something and perhaps doesn't know how. So it comes out as negativity about a lot of 'little' things. There is one thing you can do that will more than likely help her to not see things so negatively. When she is complaining... about whatever it is... listen. Don't try to show her the sunny side of the situation. I know that comes from you loving her and wanting her to be happy. So you try to help her see the better side of whatever the issue is. Don't do that Cy. Just let her talk. Listen to her and look at her. Try repeating what you heard her say and then VALIDATE what she is feeling. A woman who has grown pessimistic sometimes doesn't know what is really wrong, but she NEEDS TO BE VALIDATED BIG TIME. Let her vent. Listen to what she says and then tell her something like this:
"Sweetheart, this is what I hear you saying....., and I am so sorry you have had such a cruddy day/experience/etc. I can see how you would feel this way. You are right... that can be terrible/bad/sad/frustrating.... Is there anything I can do to make it better or to just make you feel better?"
By no means try to make her see things differently. Just listen to her until she gets it out. Don't judge or even appear to judge or be frustrated with her... or disagree! She needs to believe that you believe she has every right to feel whatever she is feeling.
She might appear to be floored a bit the first time you do this but do it again and again. Sometimes listen and nod your head and give her some short but VALIDATING replies like, "I agree."; "Yep, I can see that."; "Oh, that makes me frustrated too when that happens."
Sometimes just listen.
I truly believe that a little of this goes a long way. As she feels more like she is being heard and understood and begins to see that you are okay with her being ticked or anxious or frustrated, she will FEEL LESS of that anxiety and begin to feel comforted. That's all she needs... to know she is being heard and that her ideas and feelings about a matter are valid. Believe it or not, she won't have as much to complain about ... after a little while.
A great resource you can turn to is the Dr. Phil website. Lots of great stuff there!
1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Here is an excerpt from
http://www.familyministries.com/Reconciling_husbands.htm
Understanding a woman’s communications
The Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), not meaning that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband (1 Tim 2:14). Because of this, and because women have a greater natural need for their husbands (Gen 3:16), women are also more likely to look to the marriage relationship for value and significance. When men marry, most are clueless to these differences and consequently, to the power they have to inflict emotional pain on their wives. Simply stated, it is this basic difference between men and woman that causes the misunderstandings at the root of so much marital stress.
When women attempt to communicate their feelings of fear, dismay, or anxiety, they use words, cite facts, or employ a tone that causes a man to imagine he is being attacked. In
her mind she is looking for compassion and understanding, but to
his ears she is finding fault with him. Unfortunately, when a man feels attacked he responds defensively. He either waits quietly for his wife to finish her tirade, defends himself, counter attacks, or leaves.
Unfortunately for clueless men, when a woman attempts to communicate her concerns for herself or the family, she often does so out of fear or distress, so her words take on what he perceives as an attacking tone. Although a woman thinks she is initiating a discussion that appeals to a man’s innate sense of protectiveness, he hears it as criticism of his faults. She feels she is appealing to her protector to rescue her. He thinks he is the one who needs protection from her.
Instead of recognizing that his wife feels distressed by something, he immediately attempts to quell her stress and shield himself by quietly discrediting her or angrily attacking her facts. This perceived lack of compassion will cause his wife to become more frustrated, which evokes more intense communication.
A woman’s goal in such a conversation is not to win an argument or to flaunt her superior debating skills. Simply put, she is typically crying out for understanding, and wants her husband to respond with empathy and help. She wants not to be corrected, but to be validated in her distress. That is why a woman might make her points citing “facts” that a man believes are inaccurate. Unfortunately, we husbands think we can change our wives’ minds employing logic and reason, and by correcting their misstatements. But women usually aren’t trying to win an argument and don’t want us to tell them that they shouldn’t feel what they know they feel. All they know is that they
feel something deeply and want us to understand how they are feeling. Correcting them is a big mistake on our part.