How do I process wife's negativity?

Cy Cabell

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I am curious to know what should a "good Christian husband" do about his wife's incessant negativity? I know incessant is a strong word, but anything else would not convey it accurately. I love my wife, I truly do, but nearly every conversation with her is filled with complaints, pessimism, or just flat out negativity. Even when I try to point out positives or be optimistic, she mounts an even stronger argument as to why things are bad and then alienates me because I don't see things her way. It is becoming a substantial mental and emotional drain to remain positive around her and I'm finding myself actually dreading being with her or taking her phone calls. I'm not meaning to paint a bad picture of my wife--she's beautiful and I love her dearly--rather, I have no idea how to metabolize her negativity and how to keep our daughter (11 years old) from assimilating that same negativity, which I'm already starting to see. When I try to talk to her about her negativity she blows it completely out of proportion and treats me as if I have done something wrong, defamed her character, and called her "good for nothing." It's gotten to the point where I've just resigned to simply letting her go on with her complaints and negativity and offering no feedback or dialogue (which has not produced great results either). I have no idea what to do?
 

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That's a tough one and I really don't have a solution. (Big help I know.) However, I have found that people that are constantly negative are not happy. Maybe try and find out what is really bugging her, it probably isn't all the little things she complains about. I'm sure others will have more insightful replies.
 
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patrick jane

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I am curious to know what should a "good Christian husband" do about his wife's incessant negativity? I know incessant is a strong word, but anything else would not convey it accurately. I love my wife, I truly do, but nearly every conversation with her is filled with complaints, pessimism, or just flat out negativity. Even when I try to point out positives or be optimistic, she mounts an even stronger argument as to why things are bad and then alienates me because I don't see things her way. It is becoming a substantial mental and emotional drain to remain positive around her and I'm finding myself actually dreading being with her or taking her phone calls. I'm not meaning to paint a bad picture of my wife--she's beautiful and I love her dearly--rather, I have no idea how to metabolize her negativity and how to keep our daughter (11 years old) from assimilating that same negativity, which I'm already starting to see. When I try to talk to her about her negativity she blows it completely out of proportion and treats me as if I have done something wrong, defamed her character, and called her "good for nothing." It's gotten to the point where I've just resigned to simply letting her go on with her complaints and negativity and offering no feedback or dialogue (which has not produced great results either). I have no idea what to do?
Keep smiling and nodding
 
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singpeace

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I am curious to know what should a "good Christian husband" do about his wife's incessant negativity? I know incessant is a strong word, but anything else would not convey it accurately. I love my wife, I truly do, but nearly every conversation with her is filled with complaints, pessimism, or just flat out negativity. Even when I try to point out positives or be optimistic, she mounts an even stronger argument as to why things are bad and then alienates me because I don't see things her way. It is becoming a substantial mental and emotional drain to remain positive around her and I'm finding myself actually dreading being with her or taking her phone calls. I'm not meaning to paint a bad picture of my wife--she's beautiful and I love her dearly--rather, I have no idea how to metabolize her negativity and how to keep our daughter (11 years old) from assimilating that same negativity, which I'm already starting to see. When I try to talk to her about her negativity she blows it completely out of proportion and treats me as if I have done something wrong, defamed her character, and called her "good for nothing." It's gotten to the point where I've just resigned to simply letting her go on with her complaints and negativity and offering no feedback or dialogue (which has not produced great results either). I have no idea what to do?


Hello Cy. It is great to meet you, and I am so glad you asked this question.

From what you have said, it appears your wife is trying to tell you something and perhaps doesn't know how. So it comes out as negativity about a lot of 'little' things. There is one thing you can do that will more than likely help her to not see things so negatively. When she is complaining... about whatever it is... listen. Don't try to show her the sunny side of the situation. I know that comes from you loving her and wanting her to be happy. So you try to help her see the better side of whatever the issue is. Don't do that Cy. Just let her talk. Listen to her and look at her. Try repeating what you heard her say and then VALIDATE what she is feeling. A woman who has grown pessimistic sometimes doesn't know what is really wrong, but she NEEDS TO BE VALIDATED BIG TIME. Let her vent. Listen to what she says and then tell her something like this:

"Sweetheart, this is what I hear you saying....., and I am so sorry you have had such a cruddy day/experience/etc. I can see how you would feel this way. You are right... that can be terrible/bad/sad/frustrating.... Is there anything I can do to make it better or to just make you feel better?"

By no means try to make her see things differently. Just listen to her until she gets it out. Don't judge or even appear to judge or be frustrated with her... or disagree! She needs to believe that you believe she has every right to feel whatever she is feeling.

She might appear to be floored a bit the first time you do this but do it again and again. Sometimes listen and nod your head and give her some short but VALIDATING replies like, "I agree."; "Yep, I can see that."; "Oh, that makes me frustrated too when that happens."

Sometimes just listen.

I truly believe that a little of this goes a long way. As she feels more like she is being heard and understood and begins to see that you are okay with her being ticked or anxious or frustrated, she will FEEL LESS of that anxiety and begin to feel comforted. That's all she needs... to know she is being heard and that her ideas and feelings about a matter are valid. Believe it or not, she won't have as much to complain about ... after a little while.

A great resource you can turn to is the Dr. Phil website. Lots of great stuff there!


1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Here is an excerpt from http://www.familyministries.com/Reconciling_husbands.htm

Understanding a woman’s communications

The Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), not meaning that she has less physical strength or stamina than her husband, but that she has a more emotional nature and is more inclined to view life and make decisions based on her feelings than is her husband (1 Tim 2:14). Because of this, and because women have a greater natural need for their husbands (Gen 3:16), women are also more likely to look to the marriage relationship for value and significance. When men marry, most are clueless to these differences and consequently, to the power they have to inflict emotional pain on their wives. Simply stated, it is this basic difference between men and woman that causes the misunderstandings at the root of so much marital stress.

When women attempt to communicate their feelings of fear, dismay, or anxiety, they use words, cite facts, or employ a tone that causes a man to imagine he is being attacked. In her mind she is looking for compassion and understanding, but to his ears she is finding fault with him. Unfortunately, when a man feels attacked he responds defensively. He either waits quietly for his wife to finish her tirade, defends himself, counter attacks, or leaves.

Unfortunately for clueless men, when a woman attempts to communicate her concerns for herself or the family, she often does so out of fear or distress, so her words take on what he perceives as an attacking tone. Although a woman thinks she is initiating a discussion that appeals to a man’s innate sense of protectiveness, he hears it as criticism of his faults. She feels she is appealing to her protector to rescue her. He thinks he is the one who needs protection from her.

Instead of recognizing that his wife feels distressed by something, he immediately attempts to quell her stress and shield himself by quietly discrediting her or angrily attacking her facts. This perceived lack of compassion will cause his wife to become more frustrated, which evokes more intense communication.

A woman’s goal in such a conversation is not to win an argument or to flaunt her superior debating skills. Simply put, she is typically crying out for understanding, and wants her husband to respond with empathy and help. She wants not to be corrected, but to be validated in her distress. That is why a woman might make her points citing “facts” that a man believes are inaccurate. Unfortunately, we husbands think we can change our wives’ minds employing logic and reason, and by correcting their misstatements. But women usually aren’t trying to win an argument and don’t want us to tell them that they shouldn’t feel what they know they feel. All they know is that they feel something deeply and want us to understand how they are feeling. Correcting them is a big mistake on our part.
 
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Dave-W

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I am no shrink - but it sounds like she is depressed.

But whether she is or not, if you value your relationship you will find a good christian marriage counselor to get to the root of what is bothering her.
 
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Cy Cabell

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Thank you very much for your insight and words of encouragement. I have heard that scripture quoted dozens of time, but never really understood the "weaker" reference. That women are more emotional and view the world emotionally makes perfect sense (Perhaps a better translation is needed!). I hear and agree with the comments you made--I also was able to find the entire article you reference: Understanding a Woman's Communication--very insightful!

One follow-on comment to your suggestion of listening and validating is that whenever I hear her express her fears, anxieties, displeasures, complaints, etc., they come across as so negative and toxic, that for me to "validate" that she is feeling those things (which I have no doubt she is genuinely experiencing those feelings) seems to me that I am actually agreeing with her that her perceptions are true. For example, we currently live in the suburbs, but we are both drawn to more urban living. One of her fears though is the level of crime in the city. As a police officer, I know that crime exists everywhere, but the media paints a skewed picture, which often lends itself toward a false sense of security where we currently reside. So for me to "validate" her concerns feels like I have to argue the facts that crime is indeed everywhere--and often more than we'd care to acknowledge. Now, to the point made in the article, arguing her concerns with logic and reason (which I have done) does not help her to see things any differently and can lead toward a more contentious atmosphere in the home (which it has). However, I feel that if I "validate" her feelings, then I am simply agreeing with her, which I often do not.

In self-disclosure, however, what I sensed as I read your reply and the article, was that I have been seeing my own skewed picture of things, namely: 1) Seeing myself in opposition to my wife (person to person); 2) Fighting against thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with logic, reason, and facts; 3) Approaching these challenges with my wife as a "seeing" problem instead of a "feeling" problem; and 4) Citing her complaints as an excuse to distance myself from her negativity, rather than permission to peek into her heart and emotions. I will say, peeking into my wife's heart and emotions feels very scary! Not to say that my wife has a scary heart or emotions, rather, I don't even know my own heart and I have deftly learned how to compartmentalize my own feelings and emotions (much more logical and safer that way) and I feel incredibly inadequate helping her sift through her own emotions. :-/

Obviously prayer will be a significant key in reconnecting us; maybe at some point, like the Apostle Paul, something like scales will fall from my eyes and I can see things more clearly!

Thank you again for your comments, they have been incredibly helpful--your prayers would also be greatly appreciated!
 
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clemdawg

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That's a tough one and I really don't have a solution. (Big help I know.) However, I have found that people that are constantly negative are not happy. Maybe try and find out what is really bugging her, it probably isn't all the little things she complains about. I'm sure others will have more insightful replies.
I concur. Find the things she enjoys and try sharing in them. Help her with house work and see if things begin to change. Just a thought.
 
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ValleyGal

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One follow-on comment to your suggestion of listening and validating is that whenever I hear her express her fears, anxieties, displeasures, complaints, etc., they come across as so negative and toxic, that for me to "validate" that she is feeling those things (which I have no doubt she is genuinely experiencing those feelings) seems to me that I am actually agreeing with her that her perceptions are true. For example, we currently live in the suburbs, but we are both drawn to more urban living. One of her fears though is the level of crime in the city. As a police officer, I know that crime exists everywhere, but the media paints a skewed picture, which often lends itself toward a false sense of security where we currently reside. So for me to "validate" her concerns feels like I have to argue the facts that crime is indeed everywhere--and often more than we'd care to acknowledge. Now, to the point made in the article, arguing her concerns with logic and reason (which I have done) does not help her to see things any differently and can lead toward a more contentious atmosphere in the home (which it has). However, I feel that if I "validate" her feelings, then I am simply agreeing with her, which I often do not.

Personally, I do not buy into the idea that women are emotionally weaker. There are just as many men who have mental health issues as there are women, and men experience every emotion (including the intensity of those emotions) but they do not express the emotions in the same ways. And even this is not true for all men or all women. I personally believe the "weaker women" thing was more of a cultural thing in that women were in a socially weakened state, and needed to be understood from their oppressed state.

Even still, on to validating. By arguing that crime is everywhere, it invalidates her fear that crime is higher in the city. You can validate her feelings simply because you can identify with them. "I know that it seems scary to move to the city because crime may be higher there." And you most certainly can argue feelings with facts and logic without agreeing or disagreeing with her. "Crime may be higher, but the quality of education is also higher, and the children will also have greater access to services they might need like quality healthcare." Then the two of you can weigh out whether the benefits of healthcare and education is more valuable than the fear of higher crime rate. She may have greater fears than the benefits of better healthcare and education, in which case you might be better off to stay suburban or rural, or you can do some investigating on which areas of the city are safest and move there and do most of your business there.

As for general negativity, what would happen if you took the negativity to an absurd level and make light of it? Example: Your wife sneezes and says she's probably coming down with a cold and you respond by lightheartedly agreeing that if it's a cold, it will likely turn into pneumonia, she will be bedridden for weeks and likely end up in the hospital having her lungs suctioned...and carry it on until she gets the picture that all she did is sneeze and it very well may not turn into a cold even if she thinks it "probably will." If she goes looking for the bad, give her a picture of the worst. It can be like a game. Or you can keep asking "what's the worst that can happen?" If she makes a negative comment, ask the question, and when she answers it, ask again, and again, and again with each answer she gives. Once that's been exhausted, try then saying "what's the best that can happen?" Exposing the contrast between what's the worst that can happen and what's the best, hopefully she will start to see how absurd her negativity is.
 
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Avniel

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I am curious to know what should a "good Christian husband" do about his wife's incessant negativity? I know incessant is a strong word, but anything else would not convey it accurately. I love my wife, I truly do, but nearly every conversation with her is filled with complaints, pessimism, or just flat out negativity. Even when I try to point out positives or be optimistic, she mounts an even stronger argument as to why things are bad and then alienates me because I don't see things her way. It is becoming a substantial mental and emotional drain to remain positive around her and I'm finding myself actually dreading being with her or taking her phone calls. I'm not meaning to paint a bad picture of my wife--she's beautiful and I love her dearly--rather, I have no idea how to metabolize her negativity and how to keep our daughter (11 years old) from assimilating that same negativity, which I'm already starting to see. When I try to talk to her about her negativity she blows it completely out of proportion and treats me as if I have done something wrong, defamed her character, and called her "good for nothing." It's gotten to the point where I've just resigned to simply letting her go on with her complaints and negativity and offering no feedback or dialogue (which has not produced great results either). I have no idea what to do?
I think prayer, no feedback or dialogue is pretty good. Negativity is about attention don't feed into it.
 
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Odetta

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Avneil, that is callous. Something big is bothering her, deep, deep down. Saying it's for attention, well, why the heck not give attention to the fact that something in her life needs to be addressed and alleviated. Ignoring it and dismissing it tells her she's not valued. What loving husband tells his wife he doesn't value her as much as his own personal comfort level? Does God ignore us when we cry out, even if we cry out in an indirect way?

I agree that she needs validation, and validation is not the same as agreeing with something you don't think is true. If you think you're agreeing to something, then you don't understand what validation truly is. If she's is fearful of increased crime, she's fearful of increased crime, and telling her she's wrong isn't going to inspire her to open up to you about the real issues. And someone mentioned that she may not even know what the issues really are, deep down. It will take some digging, and maybe a professional may be better at that than a loving husband.
 
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AphroditeGoneAwry

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Tell her, "You are constantly being negative and I am tired of it."

Likely, she is not living as a coram deo Christian, with God in her daily life if she is so negative. So you can implement a daily Bible reading plan with discussion when the kids go to bed, or some other time you can. She should join a ladies weekly Bible study. Other Christian women might be able to point out some things you cannot, where she will listen. Finally, you can encourage her to talk to a pastor or Christian therapist to see if there are some deep seated reasons for her being so negative.

No matter, behavior can be changed immediately by Jesus Christ. To say otherwise is a cop-out.
 
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Avniel

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Avneil, that is callous. Something big is bothering her, deep, deep down. Saying it's for attention, well, why the heck not give attention to the fact that something in her life needs to be addressed and alleviated. Ignoring it and dismissing it tells her she's not valued. What loving husband tells his wife he doesn't value her as much as his own personal comfort level? Does God ignore us when we cry out, even if we cry out in an indirect way?

I agree that she needs validation, and validation is not the same as agreeing with something you don't think is true. If you think you're agreeing to something, then you don't understand what validation truly is. If she's is fearful of increased crime, she's fearful of increased crime, and telling her she's wrong isn't going to inspire her to open up to you about the real issues. And someone mentioned that she may not even know what the issues really are, deep down. It will take some digging, and maybe a professional may be better at that than a loving husband.
She emotionally draining, she's constantly negative, he's approached her several times. If she doesn't want to change he can't make her, he's reached out, he's listened, he's spoken to her.........a loving husband has to be mentally healthy as well. I would ignore it, if I tell you you're to negative for me and it's draining and you decide to continue and not find any ways to adjust your behavior it's not on me to continue until your negative has left me so mentally drained and negative I'm depressed.

If that's how she takes it she should adjust her behavior. She's not a child, she's a grown woman that has decided to be to negative. Me personally I don't associate with negative people, they are very draining. I can't be around negative people, I am an activist and I do a lot of work within in the community I have a very big heart and negative people drain me.

His mental health is equally as important as her's.
 
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AphroditeGoneAwry

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Does God ignore us when we cry out, even if we cry out in an indirect way?
He might. The most necessary part of being helped is reaching out and asking for help...

"They did not cry out to Me with their heart When they wailed upon their beds." ~Hosea 7:14

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." ~Matthew 7:7
 
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Avniel

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He might. The most necessary part of being helped is reaching out and asking for help...

"They did not cry out to Me with their heart When they wailed upon their beds." ~Hosea 7:14

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." ~Matthew 7:7

Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

Let's face it we live in a society where verbal abuse, mental abuse and emotional abuse are acceptable as long as it's not certain groups. This man is expected to listen to her every negative draining comment until he's negative. Mercy is not telling her to shut up you can't take anymore of her negativity. Ignoring her is what any good husband would do. If God didn't ignore(forgive) some of the negative things I said....lets just say I'm thankful for the cross.

No we want him to tear himself down with daily negativity when she refuse to head his wisdom. He needs to just ignore her and don't feed into the negative attention and pray to God for her. That's all anyone can do.

You know being negative is a drug
 
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Cy Cabell

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@Avniel: Thank you for your input and the different perspective you bring. I think I understand the root of what you're saying, however the word "ignore" may have a negative connotation to it. What I gather form what you're saying is for me not to feed into the negativity at certainly don't pander to it. I think from that perspective you are very correct. My wife does not need me to fed into her negativity, rather, she needs me to continue to invite her out of that place. I don't believe that can be done by simply "ignoring" her, rather, by proactively creating opportunities for her to move away from that place.

All of us, my wife and I notwithstanding, have experiences, thoughts, aspirations, and trigger buttons, that shape and affect our lives. From our traumas in childhood to our successes in adulthood (or vice versa) implant messages in our heart that are either contradicted or cemented by our environments and the people around us. I had a childhood that was filled with positive affirmations, whereas my wife had a childhood that was very much the opposite. My positive cementings versus her negative cementings continually create conflict in our marriage.

My question above was really from a 'wit's end' view asking for input form the group as to how to compassionately address my wife's fears and negativity, while trying to maintain my own positive viewpoint. It wasn't an attempt to make my wife an optimist--rather, to help her see the impact of her negativity (on me, her family, her friends, and even herself) so that she can make better choices. It's hard for someone, to change ingrained habits--especially when those habits feel valid and genuine. It's only when the Father reveals to us his way of being that we can have a healthy comparison.

I know that prayer is vital--and I covet the prayers of everyone who has replied to this post--however, my eating out was more about helping me maintain the needed course. I want God's change to happen faster than it's been going, but alas, I know that the Father's plans for change are never exclusively about what we're wanting to change, but more about his changing us!

Thank you again for everyone's input, comments, and suggestions--so very much appreciated! I wish each of you a very wonderful Thanksgiving!
 
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