How Do I Forgive?

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Twelve years ago, I was abused by my pastor. He never raped me, but he did sexually harrass me, make inappropriate comments to me, try to touch me, call me late at night and gave me a magazine with suggestive pictures in it. He even locked me in his office once but I managed to get out. He did this to 3 of us in our church (that we know of) including at least one child. (At the time, I was 31 and he was 60+--basically a "dirty old man") After much pain and suffering, we were able to get this "minister" out of our church. (actually, the 'powers that be' simply retired him).

Things went fairly well after this in my church. The problem was that we shared this pastor with 2 other churches and they supposedly never had any trouble with him and didn't believe us. We got a new pastor, but he harped and harped on me to forgive and forget and I just couldn't do it so I quit going to church altogether as did the others that were involved in the abuse.

A couple of months ago, I started dating a great guy that I knew from school who is very active in one of the other 2 churches and he told me that I needed to get myself back into church--that I was backslidden because of this issue and that to get on with my life I have to forgive this creep. I know that I have to do it but I just don't know how. I have had counciling, I have gone to several women's retreats on this, I have read books, and prayed about it. Finally, I just gave up.

I am going to church and to bible study again, but it is a very difficult situation to bring up in the church because of all of the pain that everyone went through. The whole congregation of all 3 churches suffered and there are people that dislike me very much because of all of this.

How do I go about forgiving him?? Do I have to see him and talk to him and tell him?? (Oh, I'm just not strong enough to do that!) How do I go about this? Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks for listening and for any help anyone can give me.

 

[Corrigan]

Why should you forgive him? he sexually harrassed you!

 

[aanjt]

Forgiveness can take years, even decades. One way you can start, if you want to, is to pray for him. It will be hard and superficial for awhile. Pray for him, maybe something like, "God, I can't forgive him now, but I pray that you forgive him for what he did to me." I know God understands. I was raped by my son's godfather back in 1999 and I still haven't forgiven him for that yet. I went in and talked to my priest about it about a month later. After about a year, I told my priest I just cannot bring myself to forgive him. I told him that I was afraid because of this and even cited some verses to support why I was afraid:

If you do not forgive others, you also will not be forgiven
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us

He understood where I was coming from. He was the one who told me to try and pray for him. He was the one that told me that it could take years or even decades for me to forgive him. But one thing he did say, was that in time, I do need to come to that point of forgiveness. It is what Jesus taught, but not to rush it before it is time to do so.

Yours in Christ,
Jen

 

[desi]

Why should you forgive him? he sexually harrassed you!

If you don't know the answer to why forgiveness is imperative you lack a basic understanding of Jesus's teachings and are probably in the wrong forum to offer advice. Christians hold forgiveness in high regard because our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ lived a sinless life and died at our hands to diminish the power of our sins which the Devil uses to keep us from God. If we fail to forgive we hold Jesus's sacrifice in contempt by not following his example and we wreck our lives wasting time holding grudges from long ago which only serve to poison us as the object of our ire is usually long gone.

 

[daughter of the king]

Why should you forgive him? he sexually harrassed you!

to forgive is to set the prisoner free only to find the prisoner is you.

 

[CoolBlue]

Don't waste any more time discussing and discussing it, thinking and re-thinking it. Doing this means it's taking over your life. People are not going to be able to help you. They can empathise, but you will go home feeling just as awful. But God knows how you feel. Only He can truly understand you. Bring your pain to Him. Tell Him everything. Tell Him you want to forgive that man, and that today, against your feelings, you choose to forgive him from this moment. Then ask God to heal your heart so that you can move on with your life.

Then you'll have a fresh start, and this man will rule you no longer, and the blessings of God will be able to flow to you. Can you feel the freedom this will bring you?

Love and hugs,
your sister in Christ.

 

[FoundInGrace]

I heard somewhere that forgiveness is giving up the right to want them harmed or revenge etc. That you choose to no longer wish them harm, you choose to do relinquish that.

Don't know if that helps... helped me when I was trying to forgive someone.
Theres also the fact that if you don't let go wanting them to pay then you get bitter and thats a nasty place to be!
Not easy to let that go though

 

[faerieevaH]

I agree with aanjt : no one has the right to demand that you forgive and forgive NOW. What was done to you was a horrible thing.
But to forgive will make you feel better and her idea is a wise one, and one that will work. Keep this person in your prayers. And even if it are just words and hard words at that, it will help you.
foundingrace also has a very wise point, if you see the relinquishing of the right to harm or the wish for revenge as the first and most important step to forgiveness, it will take some of the heat of you. You don't really have to LIKE this person, remember that. You don't have to forget what he has done.

As to the man you are involved with: do not let him demand of you to forgive. As you love him, his council is important to you, and something to listen to. And he is right in telling you not to shy away from faith and involvement in the church because of the man. But.. do not let him or anyone tell you that you MUST forgive and do it now or else you are a bad person. The fact that you try and work on being able to forgive is much more important then being able so. The road to perfection and the struggle for it is much more then reaching it.

 

[Brooke]

This might not work at all... but for some reason saying the words "I forgive so-and-so for what he did to me" out loud always seemed to take a weight off of me. It has to be said sincerely of course... if even the most sincerety there is a sincere desire to forgive.

Jesus commands us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. I'm not telling you that it means you have to forgive right now, this very minute. I imagine I would be extremely angry and very much not inclined to forgive the man too, if he had done the same thing to me. But when things seem impossible, the thing to do is take it to the Lord. Ask Him to help you forgive. You don't have to fight every battle alone. That would be impossible.
Good luck, and God bless. I hope I wasn't too annoying.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Thank you all for the help, understanding and encouragement. It isn't easy, but, I've hung on to this "problem" for a long time. I am no longer wishing revenge on "the creep" and I no longer wish for awful things to happen to him----so, I guess I have made some progress.

When I said my prayers last night, I asked God to help me to forgive. I will keep this in my prayers and take small steps as I am comfortable on my road to forgiveness.

It isn't going to be a lot of fun, but, with God's help.......

Just one more question----this is just between me and God, right?? I don't have to personally go to him and tell him do I??

 

[Brooke]

Not if you don't want to... that's my view on the matter anyway.

 

[IKTCA]

.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Well, I did it! Last night (early this morning I guess) I got down on my knees to do my evening prayers, and felt like the time was right. I got up, got out my bible and started reading passages about forgiveness. Then, I got back down to finish my prayers, and with tears streaming down my cheeks, I did it.

I feel such a great relief. I gave it all to God.

Thank you all so much for your help!

 

[Stanfi]

Learnin'

I think I found your thread a bit late, but maybe I can help a little.

Let me see if I can answer your most recent question. I do not feel that you have to go to him, and tell him that your forgave him. In this case he should go to you and ask your forgiveness, because he wronged you, you did not wrong him. If God convicts you, and you feel like you need to then perhaps you do, but from my outside observation I do not think so.

More than likely if you went to him, without God preparing his heart, and convicting him of this sin. Then when you told him that you had forgiven him, he then more than likely would give you some comment to belittle you, and hinder your healing process.

That is what I think on this part.

Next I want to say that I think you Must forgive him. No, and I not tell you what to do, I am telling you what God says we must do.

Mar 11:26 But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Now, forgivness does not happen immediately. It is a process, expecially in situations like yours, which hurts us deeply.

I do disagree with forgive and forget. I do not think we ever forget. The memories remain, and they enable us not to repeat the past ourselves, and they also enable us to counsel others in similar situations. The forgiveness comes in, when we have the memory, but we do not feel the sting of pain and revenge in our heart when we have the memory. Make sense?

It sounds like your are on the right path. You have to go to God, and get his help. Pray for this man

Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Granted this is not easy. I have found myself saying God and I am praying for these person because your word instructs me to.

It will take time, and persual, but forgivness will come, and so will your healing.

 

[Brooke]

I'm so glad for you! I hope I have your strength when my time comes to forgive someone who has wronged me badly.
Also, I don't think you have to tell him you forgave him unless he says he expressly tells you he's sorry and truly repents. Even God doesn't forgive us unless we've sincerely repented and asked for forgiveness.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Thanks again.

He is not in our church anymore. He is in another town. I did pray for him and his family---that God will heal the sickness in him and make him whole again.

I don't ever intend to see him again. I just don't think it is up to me to tell him anything. God is his "soul" judge now. Not me. It would be very unhealthy for me to have any contact with him. I did forgive, but will not forget. That would leave me too vulnerable to this sort of thing again. I have learned many lessons from this and am a stronger person for it. I just wish that it wouldn't have stolen 12 years from me.

Blessings,
Julie

 

[Lilly of the Valley]

Ask the Lord to help you forgive him.