Hello all,
My name is Sinan Shamun, 21 years old and I come from the Netherlands.
In December 2015 I was very depressed and was looking for a cause to live for. I never understood who I was and what the hell I was doing here in the first place. Then suddenly, in February 2016 I felt amazing, I was full of love,joy, creativity and basically all positive things imaginable. I was killing it at my job and it felt as if I was in heaven every moment of the day. Then in March, during the communion of my little sister I found my faith in God, it was a great happening and I finally understood life after being an atheist for 20 years. I learned that it was the Holy Spirit which was dwelling in me at the time. I was constantly communicating with Jesus as if he were my best friend, and I loved it. As time passed I became very introspective and got to know my relation to God even better.
Then the great day came, God told me that I was the complete package to become a Roman Catholic Pope, me out of all people, after all those years. (I assume this happened to the current Pope when he was my age and suddenly switched from a Chemistry major to pursuing his path to become the Pope). I then learned that I had to spread my wings and fly away, become a total new person, find new Christian friends and live a holy life. At first I was totally flabbergasted by all of this. I decided to sign up for my Theology major in Utrecht at a Catholic school and was so grateful for being given a cause in life.
Then,unfortunately, all things went downhill. I realized that becoming a Catholic Pastor meant not being able to have sex and a wife and all other worldy pleasures, so I started avoiding God. Avoiding reading the Bible I bought and continuing a sinful life (smoking, using drugs, etc) after all that God had done for me. I became less and less full of positive energy and my connection with God was decaying and decaying. I showed up at the meeting day prior to starting my Theology major when I was totally unprepared, I had not become the person God wanted me to become and I just sat there with the other students looking like a complete fool, not knowing what to say. I left the meeting day by just running away from the other students and I went home.
Eventually, my thinking reached a point where I had sudden realization which totally destroyed God for me. I convinced myself that God is an all between the ears thing and that I don't own it anymore. It was gone, totally evaporated. I even remember cussing at the Holy Spirit for leaving me after I had failed God in a shameful way and I am actually 100% sure that I have committed the unforgivable sin, since I am not genuinely worried about committing it anymore. My heart wants to know nothing about God but my mind knows God is everything I need, but I have screwed up. I can't blame God for all that has happened, I was even warned prior to me finding out I was elected to become a Pope. God told me to 'choose wisely' and he warned me of a curse. It was all or nothing for me and it sure as hell turned out to be nothing and my destination will be hell for sure.
I had such a beautiful life ahead but all my stupid 20 year old self could think of was sex at the moment, instead of being able to help many souls including those of my friends, who weren't Christians either. My mind has become corrupt and worthless because I lost God and my introspectivity has reached so far that I have basically committed spiritual dialysis. I'm stuck with a mind that thinks about useless goalless garbage all day long. I spent months in a mental ward, taking medicine because the psychiatrists believed I was deluded and got myself into a psychosis. After all those months of medicine and super long tedious days it turned out that they were wrong and that my spiritual experience was from God. I have nothing now, all joy, love, personality and everything positive have evaporated into absolute nothingnes. 7 months of hell have passed and no progress was made. Many prayers have been prayed but all of them were in vain. I was helped by spiritual healers and therapists but nothing worked.
I have no idea what to do and am really feeling the urge to throw the towel in the ring because this life is terrible. A clinical depression is an ecstacy trip compared to what I'm going through and I'd cut off my limbs were it that I'd get my mental and emotional state back to 'normal' again. I am seriously considering to end it all and just accept my fate, which is probably hell. I'd take physical pain of flames over this mental numbness any day.
Has anyone heard of a story similar to mine and/or does anyone have any tips for me? Can anyone confirm that I should just accept my fate since there is nothing I can do about all of this? I read my bible while in the mental ward but it got me nowhere. No revelations or real understanding.
Thank you.
Hello
I am so sorry you feel like this; it sounds awful.
Just a few thoughts, for what they're worth.
Firstly, it may feel like, and you may believe that, you've committed the unforgiveable sin, but I don't believe that you have. Why? Because you are asking for help and suggesting that you would like to find God again and for things to be better.
It also sounds as though you never rejected God or decided not to believe in him any more. Just that you felt disillusioned once you realised that something that you believe God was asking you to do was hard and would require sacrifice. Avoiding God when he asks us to do something that we don't want to do is surprisingly common - you'd be surprised how many preachers and ministers I've heard who have said, "God called me to do this; I didn't want to, so I ignored the calling. Maybe it was a little more extreme in your case, because you seem to have given up on God as well - but he hasn't given up on you. Look at Jonah; ran away, asked to be thrown overboard into the sea, was swallowed by a great fish - and God still loved, called him and gave him a second chance. Look at Peter; promised Jesus he would never deny him, even if everyone else did, denied Jesus, and called down curses upon himself in the process. What did God do? Forgave him, restored him and gave him a second chance.
Secondly, this "calling" to be pope.
Did you tell anyone, discuss it with a priest, ask for confirmation and guidance that this was from God and ask the clergy, and church, to support you in prayer while you explored the way forward? Or did you just hear God say this, rush off to do something about it and then give up as soon as you realised it was all going to be too hard?
That's not a judgement. I have done the same thing many times - confused my own enthusiasm/desire to serve God with a call from him. because it WAS just my own idea and I was trying to do it in my own strength, then I gave up, and the feelings/desire fizzled out when I ran into problems or opposition.
IF it really was God's will, plan and greatest desire that you should be pope, then nothing would be able to prevent that. I'm not saying there wouldn't be any problems - of course there would be. These problems could very well be from the devil, as the last thing he wants is for you to serve God. But then, God might also allow them to occur because you could grow in your faith if you trust him and work your way through them. Has it occurred to you that you would make a far better priest if you go through all this stuff and come out the other side, than if you have everything easy and have no difficulties at all? How else would you relate to church members, and non Christians, who doubt God, wonder how they can trust him and want to give up? Who better to help someone who is struggling with questions and doubts, than someone else who's been there?
Thirdly, again this is not a judgement and I do hope it doesn't come across like that, but it sounds to me as though some of your choices have been based on feelings or circumstances. I can relate; I spent years assuming that my dissatisfaction with/hatred of my life meant that God didn't love me or had rejected me. He hasn't.
When someone becomes a Christian, realises that God loves them, is on their side and has saved them from hell, it's natural to be excited, happy, feel blessed and so on. It's natural to have lots of enthusiasm and want to change the world for him.
This may genuinely be because the person has been filled with the joy of the Lord. But it could be just human emotion - not wrong to have it, but it is wrong to rely on it or use it as a guide for your Christian life. The NT says that we walk by faith not by sight. Our Christian lives and hope are in what we cannot see - God - and not in what we can see - emotions, good/bad circumstances.
In your case, it SEEMS that you were very blessed after becoming a Christian, talking to God all the time, receiving answers to prayer and so on; felt astounded, and no doubt honoured, to receive a call to priesthood, rushed off to enrol in the relevant course, found that being a priest would involve certain commitments, and it all came crashing down. At that time, you felt unable to commit to those things, and gradually began to pull away from the God who was apparently demanding that you do them. This is why I asked if you'd had proper advice, support and prayer backing.
If someone turns away from God, or doesn't believe in him, it is not surprising that they might fill the gap in their lives with something else. We were made by God and for God; to know him and be his children. Everyone worships something/someone, whether they admit to it or not. If it's not God, it could well be alcohol/drugs - which numb pain and produce pleasant feelings in us - or maybe work, unhealthy relationships etc.
The question in all of this is, do you want to return to God, get to know him and his amazing, unending love for you and find out how he wants you to love and serve him?
It sounds to me like you do, otherwise you would not be in such turmoil and would not have written your post. If so, then call out to him, tell him how you have messed up - he knows anyway so there's no point in hiding it - and ask him to save you. The NT says that if we confess our sins, he WILL forgive us. The Gospels say that Jesus is a Good Shepherd who searches for, and rescues, lost sheep. If you believe him, he can, and will, do this for you. After you have done this, talk to a priest/ask for, and read, good, Christian books and join a Bible study group to get some teaching, fellowship and encouragement/prayer support for when things get difficult again.
Only after this can you explore the question of calling and vocation, which may, or may not, be to the priesthood. Like I said, if this truly is God's plan for you, it will happen - unless you choose to walk away.
I can't write any more for now; I need to go out.
But
please, don't do what I did for years and assume that negative feelings mean that God is angry with/has rejected you and all is lost. And if there's any possibility that these swings in emotion are due to a mental/physical problem - get help.
God loves you very much.
