Honoring an abusive mother?

[moerunamida]

I had posted this in Ask a Chaplain, but I wanted to get other opinions and thoughts on my situation. I need to think deep an hard before making a decision.

For reference to my story: Gaslighting: is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted/spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.[2] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

I am a 29 year old female and married, and I am at a point in my life where I am not sure if I can continue a relationship with my mother. How can I do my duty to Christ by honoring my mother if she is verbally abusive?

I seemed to have an ideal childhood: loving grandparents on my father's side and my parents were married. I knew my grandmother on my mom's side was cold, but I thought I had a perfect childhood or so I thought. Ever since I can remember, my mom has pushed me away. I can remember one time, I snuggled between my folks on the couch when I was little only to anger my mom and have her shouting at me, "You are taking away MY time from your father!" I can recall many times when I wanted a hug or tried to hold her hand only to be physically pushed away. "You are too warm" or "I'm not in the mood". I can't recall her hugging me very often.

I'm not sure when my mom started gaslighting me, but I started documenting it when I was a teenager. I've been keeping a journal since I was 8 years old, and sometimes I would write what my mother had said/done to me that day, because I simply couldn't believe it. Her abuse reached a high when she and my father almost split. When they got back together, my dad took the backseat in their marriage and my mother the helm.

Some examples of her behavior towards me: When I was 19 and in a abusive relationship with a man, I started self injuring. She caught me with marks on my wrist, and she handed me a steak knife and motioned it lengthwise on my arm and said, "If you are going to do something, do it right." Another time at the age of 23, I had lost my job and I couldn't find anything for six months. She came up to me one day and said, "I don't care if you have to become a prostitute. Get me my rent money!" When I turned 18, she almost threw me out of the house. "You're 18 now...legally an adult and I don't have responsibility for you anymore. It's not my job to take care of you!" I can even recall one time her confessing to me that she never wanted me. "I had you, because your dad wanted a kid." She also hates my husband and talks very ill of him in front of me, and he isn't even welcomed in my parents' home.

I've tried talking to my dad about some of her treatment towards me, but he stays out of it as much as possible or backs my mom up every time. I do not attend church, so I have no access to pastoral care. A recent event yesterday finally made me stop and think. She had made me feel bad and hate myself for years, and I cannot put up with it any longer.

I've actually confronted her a few times with issues that happened between us. She claims no memory of the incident (or she is lying) and if I press further, she goes off into a hostage rage.

Please, I need some insight on how to honor my abusive mother? Am I not honoring her if I stop speaking with her? To cut ties with her would mean I cut ties with my father as well. Can I really do that? My husband thinks I should just tell her straight up that I won't take any of her 'crap', but she is not a normal person. She was mentally abused as a child by her own mother herself.

 

[LinkH]

Well, you do need to honor your mother. You also have to be concerned with your husband's well-being and any children that may come along down the line. You need to honor her, but you may not be as close as you would if she were a more nurturing person. You can help her and do what you can to provide for her and care for her, especially as she ages.

And of course, pray for her.

Some of the things your mom says may just indicate she doesn't have a good 'filter' between her brain and her mouth. The cutting thing, that may have been a shock tactic designed to get you to stop, in her mind. But IMO, that's a very, very foolish way of dealing with that sort of thing.

I think you should share these thoughts with your dad and tell him you are concerned about the influence your mother may have on the children if you have them. Tell him you want them to know their grandfather, and so you need some help with dealing with your mom, so you have a closer relationship with your parents if children are born. Having kids can make this sort of thing even more complicated.

 

[pdudgeon]

quote:"How can I do my duty to Christ by honoring my mother if she is verbally abusive?"

you honor her in two ways...
1. whenever she does something right, point it out, say thanks, etc. She probably had a bad example herself when growing up, and may have difficulty in distinguishing between good and bad parenting. helping her by pointing out and recognizing her good behaviour is a start. Especially telling her how her good behaviour makes you feel is a connection that she needs to learn how to make, and that she is partly responsible for some of your feelings.

2. Remember her on Mother's Day with a gift. not because she is great, but because she gave you life.

3. remember that honoring her as your mother (the filial relationship) is separate from approving of her actions. Remember how Jesus said it was ok to honor the Rabbi's teachings, just don't do what they do!

 

[moerunamida]

LinkH: Thank you for your insight. We don't have to ever worry about children, because we will never have them. Even if we did, they would also not be welcomed over.

pududgeon: So I guess cutting ties would be not honoring her? Would love to give gifts not just to her but to my mother in law, but we are very financially strapped. Thanks for your kind words.

 

[pdudgeon]

pdudgeon: So I guess cutting ties would be not honoring her? Would love to give gifts not just to her but to my mother in law, but we are very financially strapped. Thanks for your kind words.

cutting ties would be a last choice decision. If she doesn't want to change or to have a relationship with you, then she's the one who is withdrawing, and you can honor that decision. just remember to keep the door open to her so that she can find you again when she learns that she needs you.

compliments to your mother or MIL don't cost a thing, but they can be priceless to the one who recieves them

 

[ValleyGal]

Honouring your mom includes setting strong boundaries. That might very well include cutting ties, if it ever has to go that far. She has already told you once that she never wanted you. You could bring that up again and ask her if she wants you in her life now. If she says yes, then let her know that it is not acceptable to say mean things to you or about you and your husband. However, if she does not want you in her life, you can honour her by not being in it. And if that is the case, you can chat with your dad and let him know where it's at with your mom - that you want to honour her by not being in her life, but that you love him and want to be in his life - and ask him if you can still have your father/daughter relationship with him without your mom's presence.

It's a very tricky place to be in a relationship. I've been in a similar situation with my own parents, and had to set some very strong boundaries with them as well. Over time it has improved my relationship with my mom, but my dad and I are distant - but I think that's mostly due to his wife's influence, not his choice. Boundaries have done wonderful things for my relationships...

 

[seeingeyes]

Please, I need some insight on how to honor my abusive mother? Am I not honoring her if I stop speaking with her? To cut ties with her would mean I cut ties with my father as well. Can I really do that? My husband thinks I should just tell her straight up that I won't take any of her 'crap', but she is not a normal person. She was mentally abused as a child by her own mother herself.

You honor your mother by being a strong and loving daughter. If that requires never speaking to her again, so be it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If it were me? To honor her I would avoid her and forgive her.

 

[Odetta]

Honoring in ways in which you still maintain contact - mother's day gifts, compliments, etc. - should come when you are in a place of emotional strength. Meaning what she does can't get you upset, think that you're unworthy of love, etc. If you can get to a place where you accept her the way she is and have firm boundaries in place that prevents harm from reaching you, then maintaining contact is feasible.

If however, she can still harm you, then cutting off contact is a safer choice. In such a situation, to me honoring a toxic parent means you don't talk bad about them, hold grudges or bitterness, or retaliate in some way. It doesn't mean you maintain contact if that is unsafe for you. I also like what VG had to say about asking her if she wants you in her life (if you think you can maintain contact safely), and then setting firm boundaries if she says yes.

Edited to add that forgiveness is in order, of course - forgiving your mom for treating you so badly and forgiving your dad for not protecting you.

 

[HannahT]

If it were me? To honor her I would avoid her and forgive her.

This is what my father did to his father. He missed the relationship that he always wanted. He always had a special place in his heart, but he also knew the man wasn't safe to be around. That's NOT to say he didn't try to have a relationship, but over the years he found that this just wasn't possible.

I remember him sending a card with a small gift on occasion. One year he went a bit bigger, and sent that 'fruit of the month' club they had at one time. That vendor called my father, because his father called them every month RAGING about something within the package. They didn't know what else to do for him, and Dad pretty much told them it wasn't them...it was him. There was more to the story of course, but in the end his relationship was him was pretty much done at that point. Dad decided after another conversation - well 'attempted' conversation more distance was needed. Within the next year? His father died, and no one contacted him to let him know. Someone saw the obit in the newspaper, and called his aunt - who called Dad. My grandfather's final cold act. Some people just don't have it within them to give.

I think the fact he couldn't accept mother and his children did indeed help in his decision. I remember the day he decided to tell us we wouldn't be seeing or hearing him anymore. Dad told me that he would die if our relationship EVER took that turn, and he wanted ours to be strong. I never saw my father cry, but I swear he was about too when he was speaking to me. I was telling him that never could happen to us. He asked me to leave him alone at that point, and I had to respect that. No doubt he was grieving. God knew it too.

I think that wounded relationship made my father more sensitive to others, and he was extremely caring man. At his funeral more than 300 people showed up MUCH to our surprise! They all had lovely stories about him, and his spirit. The funeral director said he never saw anything like it before. People were just coming out of the wood works...lol!

I know my father prayed and prayed, and he listened to the nudge of the Holy Spirit on which path to take. You can indeed honor your parents from a distance, and remember God sees everything. He knows your efforts, and forgiveness in your heart will help you.

I do pray you find that safe spot that you want so much, but do know that God will honor you for your efforts no matter what direction that relationship will take.

 

[mkgal1]

I think Hannah gave a great description (and--based on Hannah's post-- I believe her dad lived out honoring his own father well). It's really about what our intent is....but sometimes that is all trampled on when we get too close to some people (including some parents). "Honoring" can maybe be seen as protecting those intentions. What I mean is.....if I get too close to someone that *doesn't* value my intentions to love them....and they take what I've offered and thrown it back at me....that chips away at my love (it leaves a lasting impression of hurt). Sometimes it's best to keep your intentions where they can't be trashed (in your heart and mind).

 

[Gordon Wright]

I see this a lot. You try to tell someone to honor an abusive parent because you think the Bible says ALWAYS honor your parents. When it's pointed out how absurd (and insensitive) this is, you try to define 'honor' down to almost nothing. Don't do that. It just confuses the issue.

I suffered emotional abuse and physical neglect as a child, and clueless Christians told me to suck it up and honor my parents. I nearly gave up on God because of that idiocy. Don't be those idiots. Just admit up front that honor doesn't apply in certain situations, and you won't have to backpedal this way in the first place.

To honor means to care for and obey and speak well of. That's what the word means. That's what everyone understands the word to mean. it doesn't mean something else. It's got nothing to do with forgiveness or flowers at all. The Bible is very clear that there are certain people you must not obey or speak well of, even if they're your parents. Use words in their correct sense, and don't take Bible commandments out of the context of the rest of the Bible, and you can avoid tying yourselves in knots with your own words, or even worse, driving people away with insane advice.

 

[Avniel]

Hey are we related?


Run far and get therpy it will help your marriage. I've gone through some of the same things and it's easier to forgive when you don't have to forget about what happened today.

Cut her off and move on let God be your mother and father.

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with most of what's already been posted, but I just wanted to add a definition that we (in our current culture) don't often think about of "honor": that's to mature to be a honorable person yourself (that brings honor to one's parents). The opposite of that would be to "shame" our parents (just in the way we live our lives---as a reflection on them). We can do either of those by not having one bit of contact.

 

[Catherineanne]

With toxic parents we have two choices; we can either walk away completely and leave them to it, or we can do what we think to be the right thing in relation to them. But either way, they do not have the right to abuse us in any way; verbally, emotionally or physically.

The mark of honouring them in Biblical terms is perfectly satisfied if we do not murder them. Everything else they get after that is a totally undeserved bonus for them, and heaven points for us.