Help with situation at home between us and parents.

[CounselorForChrist]

Long story short I am married and we live at home. My wife works part time for now because finding a job here is not easy. Because I am unable to work we can't afford to move anywhere, and it has to be within this county because of the rules of the government regarding the money I get from them. Even with money I get from the government there's not enough money between us to afford to live anywhere else for now, mainly because of other bills like phone, water, insurance...etc. My parents are relatively rule free aside from paying rent, doing some chores... the basics of renting.

But the problem is my mother is always asking for money to help with bills and other expenses. And we do give some sometimes. My mom takes care of my paperwork and my dads, the bills...etc because neither of us understands it. My dad has a bad education and myself my brain is injured so I have a hard time learning. My wife and I feel instead of my mom asking for money she should work instead because we are left with nothing to save really every week. Our current savings is around $40. Not alot.

Recently my parents had a set back of being in the hospital, then a car needed repair, then a animal got sick and went to the vet. So they are short a couple hundred on bills. And we do have a little bit of money but not enough to help. My mother was enraged we don't give them extra money, especially at a time like this. We tell her she needs to work but she says she works all day doing paperwork for dad and I. Though she really just sits on the couch and most of the time watches tv, uses mobile devices and so on.

We see lots of other families with worse issues that have kids who are married living at home and both of the parents work. My mother when told this makes excuses and get mad. She is a loving mother and does help us and dad. But shes always been very aggressive and never got proper counseling for it. My wife doesn't really talk to her because shes disgusted by my moms actions sometimes and that she doesn't work. She feels like she works and all her money goes towards my parents and its unfair because we eventually want to have kids, a savings and so on. Though thankfully this house we live in my parents bought for us so when they pass on we would own it free.

I know many will say move out but until a time when my wife makes a lot of money we can't afford to do so. We don't have any friends to stay with, my other family doesn't really act friendly. My wife's family is not in this country. Its like living at a prison at times like this where there's no escape and the warden doesn't see anything wrong with how they act.

Sadly my mother doesn't really go to church anymore. Doesn't really go to any bible group. Doesn't really read her bible. Most she does is a prayer in the morning sometimes. Doesn't even tithe because she feels burnt by a church in the past that they tithed to and didn't help us when we needed help, but that's a topic for another day.

What do we do about my mother asking for money? How do get her to understand in today's world most couples both work? Sometimes even multiple jobs. She says she cares about our future but she doesn't seem to notice shes destroying ours since we have no money to save and can't afford to have a kid either now. My wife is getting to that stage where risks go up if you want to have a kid because of her age.

 

[turkle]

It sounds like you are dependent upon your mother, and that she is allowing you and your wife to live with her. I wasn't really clear...do you pay rent?

If it is true that you are dependent upon her for your living, then I think that she has every right to ask for money for the bills. It sounds like she is being very generous in taking care of you.

I cannot imagine that under these circumstances that you are considering having a baby. You already don't have enough to live on and are dependent upon the largesse of others (your parents, the taxpayers). How do you intend to support a child? Who is going to pay for diapers, medical costs and formula if your wife is the only one working, and part time at that.

It seems to me that you need to be thankful for your mother's care of you and set up exactly what each of you is responsible to pay. And if your mother needs help because there were unexpected circumstances, then everyone should bare that burden. As long as you are dependent, then you need to submit to reasonable expectations of the person upon whom you are dependent. It is a difficult situation as it is, without bringing a child into the mix.

 

[ValleyGal]

C4C, welcome back!

It sounds like your home situation is pretty tense, but it is mutually beneficial to maintain your living situation. What would happen to your parents if you and your wife were to move out (humour me... I know you can't afford to, but what would happen if you could)?

I think Turkle is right... an agreement should be written and signed by all parties, outlining who is responsible for what bills. If the pets are yours, you need to be financially responsible, and if they are your parent's, they need to be financially responsible. If they (or you) can't budget for a pet, then they should not have one. Here's an example. My son (on disability) lives with us. He pays us a certain amount every month which covers his food and his share of the utilities/shelter. He is responsible for his own toiletries, clothes, and special items such as soft drinks or meals out. This agreement works for us; you need to talk this out with your family and figure out together what will work for all of you, then write it down and sign it. This will hopefully take some of the pressure off your wife, feeling that she works so hard and is unable to enjoy the fruits of her labor.... although, that is reality, too. Most people work their buns off to barely eke out a living and live hand-to-mouth.

Then you and your wife should consider applying for low income housing. Also, when you post on here, you say you have a disability which is a head injury. I do not know the extent of it or how it affects your daily functioning, but perhaps you could consider getting a job for even a few hours a week to help earn at least a little spare change. I'm sure there has to be some kind of job you can do for a few hours a week. Anyway, the point is to get into subsidized housing. Living with parents as a married couple is a huge strain on any marriage, and you need to think right now of what is in your wife's best interest.

I think it is also not a good idea to suggest your mom go out and work. She helps you a lot, including helping to sponsor your wife. Imo, don't try to tell her she needs to go out and get work. You know yourself because of your wife that it is not easy to get a job right now, and expecting her to do something that you are not able to do is not fair to her.

Most of all, I think you and your wife should start praying for your mom and her spiritual health. Praying for her would help you both to keep your hearts soft towards her, and perhaps even become compassionate towards her through her obviously stressful time. And definitely do not introduce children into the situation. Don't even think about that until such a time as you and your wife are in low income housing.

 

[Pal Handy]

Long story short I am married and we live at home. My wife works part time for now because finding a job here is not easy. Because I am unable to work we can't afford to move anywhere, and it has to be within this county because of the rules of the government regarding the money I get from them. Even with money I get from the government there's not enough money between us to afford to live anywhere else for now, mainly because of other bills like phone, water, insurance...etc. My parents are relatively rule free aside from paying rent, doing some chores... the basics of renting.

But the problem is my mother is always asking for money to help with bills and other expenses. And we do give some sometimes. My mom takes care of my paperwork and my dads, the bills...etc because neither of us understands it. My dad has a bad education and myself my brain is injured so I have a hard time learning. My wife and I feel instead of my mom asking for money she should work instead because we are left with nothing to save really every week. Our current savings is around $40. Not alot.

Recently my parents had a set back of being in the hospital, then a car needed repair, then a animal got sick and went to the vet. So they are short a couple hundred on bills. And we do have a little bit of money but not enough to help. My mother was enraged we don't give them extra money, especially at a time like this. We tell her she needs to work but she says she works all day doing paperwork for dad and I. Though she really just sits on the couch and most of the time watches tv, uses mobile devices and so on.

We see lots of other families with worse issues that have kids who are married living at home and both of the parents work. My mother when told this makes excuses and get mad. She is a loving mother and does help us and dad. But shes always been very aggressive and never got proper counseling for it. My wife doesn't really talk to her because shes disgusted by my moms actions sometimes and that she doesn't work. She feels like she works and all her money goes towards my parents and its unfair because we eventually want to have kids, a savings and so on. Though thankfully this house we live in my parents bought for us so when they pass on we would own it free.

I know many will say move out but until a time when my wife makes a lot of money we can't afford to do so. We don't have any friends to stay with, my other family doesn't really act friendly. My wife's family is not in this country. Its like living at a prison at times like this where there's no escape and the warden doesn't see anything wrong with how they act.

Sadly my mother doesn't really go to church anymore. Doesn't really go to any bible group. Doesn't really read her bible. Most she does is a prayer in the morning sometimes. Doesn't even tithe because she feels burnt by a church in the past that they tithed to and didn't help us when we needed help, but that's a topic for another day.

What do we do about my mother asking for money? How do get her to understand in today's world most couples both work? Sometimes even multiple jobs. She says she cares about our future but she doesn't seem to notice shes destroying ours since we have no money to save and can't afford to have a kid either now. My wife is getting to that stage where risks go up if you want to have a kid because of her age.

Sounds like your mother and father have given you a house so they probable feel like you need to give them all your money to help them get out of their bad money handling situations.

You are on the hook because they have given or will give you a gift that you could never have afforded on your own so what else can you do but try to help out and hope that your wife's income increases.

Try to have a better attitude as many would love to have what you have.

Maybe you need to get out more and enjoy the things in life that cost little but bring great rewards such as walk in the park, swim in a lake, go to a free concert, visit the library, ride a bike or any other thing that takes very little money to enjoy.

Your cup is more than half full and not as empty as you think.

 

[BFine]

Honestly,
due to your circumstances and how funds
are needed to keep things going-- put forth
the money to keep bills paid...you don't have
much but give it since you and your wife needs
are being met by your parents...you're living in
their home and things are tight.

Your mom may not work outside the home and
that is her choice, I don't suggest telling your
mom that she needs to go get a job when she's
taking care of home duties and family members.
If you and your wife don't earn much money, you
can't really save up very much for the future at this
time...you have forty dollars saved? Give all or half
of it to household bills.
Things are tough and you bear through it...I know, I
went through that with my mom when I was young,
all my money went towards bills and believe you me
we had LOTS of bills to pay!

Where there's a will there's a way... have a baby if
you can. My parents were poor farmers, not much money
to speak of. We lived off of the land, we wore cloth diapers
and mom breastfed us...our baby food was mashed up fresh
veggies from the garden. Our neighbors down the road had
a dozen children, they were also poor farmers but were rich
in all the things money can't buy.
We went to yard sales and discount stores (when we did have a bit of money.)
God is good though and He will make a way where there seems to be no way...I know this because I grew up in abject poverty--our home had no indoor plumbing or electricity.
We didn't starve, nor did we freeze or go without
clean clothes...we had lots of love, great times with family/friends, godly instruction; the peace and joy of our salvation sustains through thick and thin.
I learned how to be content no matter what circumstance
I found myself in.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

what would you do if some

Long story short I am married and we live at home. My wife works part time for now because finding a job here is not easy. Because I am unable to work we can't afford to move anywhere, and it has to be within this county because of the rules of the government regarding the money I get from them. Even with money I get from the government there's not enough money between us to afford to live anywhere else for now, mainly because of other bills like phone, water, insurance...etc. My parents are relatively rule free aside from paying rent, doing some chores... the basics of renting.

But the problem is my mother is always asking for money to help with bills and other expenses. And we do give some sometimes. My mom takes care of my paperwork and my dads, the bills...etc because neither of us understands it. My dad has a bad education and myself my brain is injured so I have a hard time learning. My wife and I feel instead of my mom asking for money she should work instead because we are left with nothing to save really every week. Our current savings is around $40. Not alot.

Recently my parents had a set back of being in the hospital, then a car needed repair, then a animal got sick and went to the vet. So they are short a couple hundred on bills. And we do have a little bit of money but not enough to help. My mother was enraged we don't give them extra money, especially at a time like this. We tell her she needs to work but she says she works all day doing paperwork for dad and I. Though she really just sits on the couch and most of the time watches tv, uses mobile devices and so on.

We see lots of other families with worse issues that have kids who are married living at home and both of the parents work. My mother when told this makes excuses and get mad. She is a loving mother and does help us and dad. But shes always been very aggressive and never got proper counseling for it. My wife doesn't really talk to her because shes disgusted by my moms actions sometimes and that she doesn't work. She feels like she works and all her money goes towards my parents and its unfair because we eventually want to have kids, a savings and so on. Though thankfully this house we live in my parents bought for us so when they pass on we would own it free.

I know many will say move out but until a time when my wife makes a lot of money we can't afford to do so. We don't have any friends to stay with, my other family doesn't really act friendly. My wife's family is not in this country. Its like living at a prison at times like this where there's no escape and the warden doesn't see anything wrong with how they act.

Sadly my mother doesn't really go to church anymore. Doesn't really go to any bible group. Doesn't really read her bible. Most she does is a prayer in the morning sometimes. Doesn't even tithe because she feels burnt by a church in the past that they tithed to and didn't help us when we needed help, but that's a topic for another day.

What do we do about my mother asking for money? How do get her to understand in today's world most couples both work? Sometimes even multiple jobs. She says she cares about our future but she doesn't seem to notice shes destroying ours since we have no money to save and can't afford to have a kid either now. My wife is getting to that stage where risks go up if you want to have a kid because of her age.

i'm saying this in love...

whenever someone says that to me, i know i probably won't like what they have to say at first; but often times it is indeed what i need to hear - i hope this is as well

there is a principle that Jesus put forth that you may be violating:

Mat 6:24-34 KJV
(24) No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
(25) Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
(26) Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
(27) Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
(28) And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
(29) And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
(30) Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
(31) Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
(32) (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek; ) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
(33) But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
(34) Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

it sounds like you and your wife see your Mom and Dad as your sources; but God is the only dependable Source of life for anyone and everyone. what would you and your wife do if something happened that forced you two out of your parents' house? who would do your paperwork then? God certainly understands it; but if you want to receive His help with the paperwork then you must first believe that He will - and the Bible says that you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you - then you must try and try and not quit trying to understand it. who would be destroying your life if your parents weren't able to help you anymore (wouldn't it be the same devil as now; the one that Jesus gave you authority over? the one who will flee if you resist him with God's words?)? how much would you be saving if you didn't have your parent's help? they won't live forever; start seeking God now as to what you and your wife can do to support yourselves; the government is a poor provider as you have noted, and far less dependable than your Mom, who by nature loves you more than her own life. your post is well written, so you can write as well as anyone; could you look for work writing? look at your own recurring expenses; divide them between those things that help keep you warm, dry, and fed and those that don't - often times people spend money on things they see as need that are actually 'wants'; things like cable tv; cell phone contracts versus prepaid; a car versus a bus pass; etc.

God has said in your Bible that ALL things are possible to you if you believe His words - His exceedingly great and precious promises:

2Pe 1:1-4 KJV
(1) Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ:
(2) Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord,
(3) According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
(4) Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

and don't assume that God can't heal brain injuries and make you whole in your mind; don't take the world's word for when a woman is too old to have a child - this will help:

http://www.awmi.net/extra/audio/1033
http://moorelife.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/ReceivingAndMinisteringHealing.xml
http://moorelife.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/ReceivingAndMinisteringHealing2.xml
http://www.awmi.net/extra/audio/1036

 

[Cloture]

The primary problem I see here is that your parents really don't have the means to support you. They themselves are hardly getting by. Your mother clearly loves you, or she would not allow someone to live with her when they won't speak to her. Your parents have helped you tremendously by letting you live there. Many, many people don't even have that much of a safety net. Please do not lose sight of the forest because you're angry about some trees.

Scripture tells us a man marries a woman, leaves his father and mother, the married couple becomes one flesh. You and your wife are a married couple. You are your own household. From the moment you got married, you stopped being their child and instead became their tenant. Your mother does not *owe* it to you that she must get a new job to accommodate your marriage. She simply does not owe you that. The Bible does not support such an opinion in the least.

You and your wife need financial independence. You need to take heed of what Disciple said above me. God is capable of using even you, both in the Kingdom and the workplace. God is capable of providing more for your wife. The solution is not for more other people to spend more money on you. The solution is for the source of all provision to move in your marriage.

 

[Winken]

Lots of good advice came your way, C for C.

Did you type all of your original message? The message alone indicates an ability to think, to learn, to communicate. What caused your brain injury? Are you a veteran? If so, is there a veteran's center where you live? Are you receiving disability benefits? Do any of the businesses in your community need a janitor? Are you able to mow lawns? Can you carry out bagged groceries for customers? Does a public or private park need someone to rake leaves, bag them? You say your wife's family is not available. Do they speak a different language? Can you or your wife translate documents for others who speak that language in your vicinity? Have you reached out to your local Christian assembly? Can you meet with the Pastor, the elders or deacons, asking them to find a place of employment for you, based upon your mental capabilities?

Having that first child is a wonderful experience. However, if that becomes an additional burden on your parents, along with the baby keeping everyone awake at night (my wife and I know from experience), you'll have a lot to deal with.

Praying for your situation..........

 

[CounselorForChrist]

This is likely a long reply post, sorry.

I'll respond to comments below but wanted to add some things. Like we do pay rent. We pay it in full from my check. But because my food stamps get cut from my wifes working, my mother expects $200 a month in food money. She doesn't like it when we buy our own food. My feeling is its OUR problem to buy food, not hers. She will buy lots of food, sometimes stuff we don't even want then expects the $200 for it. And now she wants my wife to pay $250 more room and board (thats not counting the $700 I pay).

Somethings I left out are my mom likes to get drunk from wine. She spends about $100 a month on it. When I told her she could save money by not drinking she says she needs it to deal with life. She has no hope in God at all. Doesn't even tithe. Maybe the money is tight with them because Gods not blessing them because of her very sinful angry lifestyle. And the last month shes spent about $250+ on eating out. She offers to take us sometimes. But then shes like "You still owe me <insert amount> of money". So obviously I feel like why should I give her money if shes the one misspending it? She also spends money on other things, like non-needed things sometimes. I really feel as if she wants money so she can enjoy her life and go out to eat...etc but she doesn't want us to enjoy our life. Just have my wife slave on her job and give her like 90% of her money.

Last month I gave her my tithe money because I really had no choice. I am doing the same this month. Which upsets me because I don't want to stop tithing. I wonder if God will not give her blessings since she is essentially forcing me to give tithe money? She still has anger/rage issues. Always calling people idiots, swearing. Even says "Jesus" name in vein at times. If we could move we would. My wifes trying to find a full time job just to give my mom whatever she wants so she leaves us alone.

And on top of that my wife will qualify for medical insurance soon. Which will mean more money gone. And when she drives thats even more money. I don't know what my mom will do at that point. I doubt working is one of the options. My moms sort of spoiled in her own because my dad makes a relatively higher amount of money so shes never really needed to work to much. Maybe its why she doesn't want to work.

Another thing she does is shes in every aspect of our lives. If we have something in our room she will ask why its there, why do we need it, why not get <insert item> instead. She doesn't like that my wife wants to wash her clothes by hand or with another brand of detergent. She always complains about anything she can (even my dad knows she does that). Shes very negative. She even has checked our bank account (wife and I). She has access because my gov money is something she handles on another bank account. So she sees our joint one. She always asks why did we spend this or that. What was it for? Why did we do that? Why didn't we ask her to get it.

My mom is also a massive lair and exaggerator. Whenever she talks to people on the phone or in person she twists every story in her favor when it comes to me, my wife, my dad...anyone. She makes herself out to be a innocent person whos nice and gets hurt. When people ask her what she does she says "I work in the medical field!" or "I work in law!". Because for example one time for a few weeks we worked at a fast food place. So she tells people "Oh, I worked in the food industry world setting up and running restaurants!". Sometimes she gets caught though like when she told someone she does home aid they asked her where she get her license and who she works for. She said "Oh I work from home and have worked for years for places like hospice!".

She does all this because I think her abuse as a child messed up how she thinks. She always wants to feel appreciated and like shes helpful always. She won't get counseling for her past either because she thinks shes fine. If my dad or anyone tells her shes wrong about something sometimes she cries and says she will leave my dad or she will just go kill herself. Its like shes mentally not all there. If I could force her into getting help I would. I don't want to break her heart but I feel like I would have no other choice. Friends afterawhile stop talking to her, family doesn't because they know how she is. But when that happens she blames the person or God. In short she never notices her flaws, only others and blames them. Which is why when I was younger I got mad at the world because I became like her. Since then I changed of course. But when I point out I was how I was because I learned form her, she says its not true and she has done everything for me and I don't love her.

To address more here are some responses.

It sounds like you are dependent upon your mother, and that she is allowing you and your wife to live with her. I wasn't really clear...do you pay rent?

Yep we pay rent. My wife feels I live in the shadow of my mother and let her control me.

It seems to me that you need to be thankful for your mother's care of you and set up exactly what each of you is responsible to pay. And if your mother needs help because there were unexpected circumstances, then everyone should bare that burden.

Oh we are thankful no doubt. But having to deal with my moms controlling anger is hard enough as it is. Obviously we are fine with helping extra when things come up. Such as my dad had surgery and they owe nearly 2k. We will help. But when she wants help she comes to me and asks for money. More so demands it really. If you say anything but yes she gets mad.

What would happen to your parents if you and your wife were to move out (humour me... I know you can't afford to, but what would happen if you could)?

Exactly. I've asked her that. She basically ignores it and rages about my wife then. Before I got married my mom took all my money but my tithe. Which I didn't have a problem with despite meaning that if they died I'd have no savings or anything. I've told her maybe she should work since they are their own couple. She rages and says she does work, she takes care of the bills, paperwork..etc. To me thats a excuse. I've seen other couple who have health issues and disabled kids and both work. They may not want to, but they do it because they have no choice.

And my dad is very much a peacemaker. To the point of for lack of better words... hes a wimp. He won't argue with her about anything. Just lets her rant because eventually she will calm down. So he gets mad when I tell her she should work and he says my wife needs to give more money (again we already paid rent, now they want more plus food money). To be honest my dad is like how I used to be... very dependent on my mom. He knows if she worked that less chores would be done, his food wouldn't be made... in short he wouldn't have the spoiled life hes used to. Even before they married he was a minimalist. Barley had anything (one cup, one plate, one fork...etc). Hes so dependent on her that he doesn't even know how to look up a phone number and asks me.

So would my mom work if neither of us were here? I honestly don't know. She claims she does work since we bake pastries every few months or she does estate sales every few months (if that). Her problem is shes so angry that every job shes offered she turns it down because she doesn't want to deal with people. Because obviously she has a non-existent short fuse. I also want her to work so we don't have to depend on her as much because when they die my wife and I NEED more skills (more so I do). But she always wants to do things and help even if her help isn't wanted or it makes things worse.

Another thing to add is shes only 2 years away (in working terms) to qualify for the money you get from working after you retire. But she won't go work so she can get it. My dads body is beyond broken from working hard his whole life. My mom is so concerned. BUt she doesn't go work so he isn't so strained. Hes looking VERY tired and sad. I'm concerned he will die early. But my mom sees it and just doesn't seem to notice she could help.

an agreement should be written and signed by all parties, outlining who is responsible for what bills.

I've tried that but my dad doesn't want to bring that up to her. The rare times I've gotten her to talk about it we can never agree to anything because shes basically wants full control of everything and most of the money. Instead of being a better budgeter and spending their own money right. Or working.

This will hopefully take some of the pressure off your wife, feeling that she works so hard and is unable to enjoy the fruits of her labor.... although, that is reality, too. Most people work their buns off to barely eke out a living and live hand-to-mouth.

Good thing is my wife realizes that stuff. Its why we still help my parents when we can. But my wifes only been in america just over a year now. Shes having a hard enough time adjusting to all this change. And then having to deal with my mother. My health, her own health...etc. Its not easy. I have tried applying for a few jobs. Even done the online stuff (thats legit). Most of it you make like $6,000 a year. And it takes away more from my gov money then I can make up for. And I'd lose my gov money for good and health insurance. Which in short means I couldn't support myself unless I had a GOOD job like way past beyond minimum wage. I pray every day for healing of my various health issues so I can work and take the load off my wife and give my mom whatever she wants so we can be in peace. I actually just lost my right kidney two weeks ago. From another health issue. So the health problems seem to add up.

Living with parents as a married couple is a huge strain on any marriage, and you need to think right now of what is in your wife's best interest.

Oh I agree. We've been trying to look. Even have talked to some friends to try and stay with. Of course the problem becomes if we move out then my parents can't even make the mortgage. They would lose the house. But part of me feels like thats their problem because my mom would have to go get a job. Which I feel guilty even feeling like that because I love my parents.

including helping to sponsor your wife.

One of the problems is as a sponsor your held accountable for taking care of the person with whatever they need (important things like food housing...etc). But my mom doesn't agree with that and says in short we are responsible for my wifes needs. Even the trip to my wifes country my wife still expects all of it back. And sadly I can't turn my mother in for neglecting my wife as the sponsor because then my wife would be sent back to her country and not be allowed back. I even told my mom "Why did you even be a sponsor if you don't want to help her and accept it may cost alot at first?". Again she makes excuses.

Most of all, I think you and your wife should start praying for your mom and her spiritual health. Praying for her would help you both to keep your hearts soft towards her, and perhaps even become compassionate towards her through her obviously stressful time.

Yep thats something we do. We realize we still have it better then most. We are always praying, going to church, being nice to my mother, even when she rages. We only pray for the best with her. Especially that she would get proper counseling. I mean really if it wasn't for her aggressive, rage filled anger things would be relatively easy to deal with here. If my mom drops a pen on the ground she flips out and swears and then becomes angry for about an hour. Anything sets her off. She gives the middle finger to drivers, cuts them off, swears at them. Even at a recent funeral someone in front of us didn't get back to their car right away we waited like a whole minute) so we couldn't leave the cemetery. She said "What kind of <swear> idiot does this? Must be <name of person> fussing with the flowers on the coffin!".

Like I said we are trying to be patient and loving. But how she acts is affecting everyone. Emotionally, mentally, physically even. When my mom pounds or yells my dad says he feels light headed and sees starts. He ends up with an upset stomach. His heart pumps fast. It happens to me too. Or I get stressed because I can she shes [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed about something its like walking past a mine that has motion sensors. I have high blood pressure now. My wife says sometimes her chest hurts. My wife was a pastors daughter. She wasn't perfect of course but her mom did an amazing job with her. She was patient, loving...etc. But I can see my moms actions are very slowing changing my wife at times. Even my wife notices it.

My wifes mother is wonderful and talks to me and my wife about loving my mother and being patient even in times of extreme trials. Really the money isn't even a big issue. Its just my mom being angry about everything in life all the time,its hard to see and put up with watching it. We trust in God and we know He knows whats best and has plans. We know nothing is impossible at all with God. Even in times where we get frustrated we talk and calm down and pray. For now things are relatively peaceful (most of my moms rage is directed towards... well her just yelling at no one actually. She just yells).

And definitely do not introduce children into the situation. Don't even think about that until such a time as you and your wife are in low income housing.

Oh I agree. I think thats one thing my wife doesn't totally understand is having a kid in america is not cheap nor easy. Its something you have to be prepared for. Even then its not easy. Someone told me once to have the kid and trust in God about supporting the child. I mean I don't doubt God can... but the bible also (in short) says not to be stupid. Just don't do whatever you want and expect God to take care of it. Like jumping out of a plane and trusting God will make sure you land safely even though you don't have a parachute.

I do realize having a child after 35 supposedly brings up more risks. And with our health issues it can be an issue with the child. But I trust God in the right time (if its even in His will) will give us a child. Whether it be our own, adopted...etc. Though for now even when we have thoughts of kids I tell my wife our godchildren and nieces, nephews...etc are out kids really. I know many don't like to hear it but life isn't about having kids. Its not the goal in life. Sometimes it just may not be in Gods plan for you to have one. And I've come to accept that.

I learned how to be content no matter what circumstance
I found myself in.

Yep. Since my wife came from a poor country shes very content for the most part. Most of her clothes, belts, glasses...etc she got at free church giveaways. Though ironically my mom even complains about she has to many clothes... free clothes mind you. And she doesn't have alot. 4 foot closet space of hanging clothes. Some in a dresser along with other girly items (bras...etc).

Even though my parents got most of my money when I got on gov help, I was fine with my life. I've had alot of my clothes for years. Some of it is 15+ years old. My shoes I finally replaced after 6 years. Still have mostly old bed linens. Most of my stuff I get for free or I trade for other stuff. I know for my wife its probably a bit harder to be content because theres so much stress from getting used to things here, my mom, her health...etc so sometimes she just wants to do something like go see a movie. Which I understand. If you work and never ever treat yourself I imagine it would be depressing. My wife got a item that was normally $70, she got it for 50 cents online. She shes good about that kind of stuff.

Ok well I'm sure this post is at least 10 pages by now (Word says its 3 lol). Sorry about that.

 

[BFine]

You write very well...I don't mind long posts lol...
I can get wordy if I'm not busy.

Yes, I understand about not getting to go to movies etc
...many, many years went by when all I did was work
and pay bills...that was my life for years on end.
I started using the public library for entertainment stuff...
put in requests for movies, books, music that I like
and waited for them to come in...I still do that in fact.
I don't live in the USA anymore but the same thing can
be done in Canada(where I/we live now.)

We like getting a movie and inviting over another couple
to join us for dinner and a movie...it's better than going
out because we can pick and choose our movie watching
mates LOL!

 

[mytel]

Things like this involving family/money issues can be really tough i think. I pray that God can help you through this time and give you guidance on how to handle your current situation, and I pray especially for the well being of everyone involved, including you and your wife and parents. I would say just to continue to pray and trust in God.