1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Access to private conversations with other members.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by spotlight41, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Hello,

    I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

    Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

    This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

    How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

    Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

    Thanks in advance.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
  2. ezeric

    ezeric HE loves me too.

    Messages:
    2,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    Have you asked the king of Hearts, the
    ONE who doesn't have love but is
    LOVE, to put the love and romance in
    your marriage?

    Have you asked the LORD, to change your self
    first, before you change wives?

    Because, if you loved her like a christian, you would
    explore whatever you could, before thinking divorce.

    -eric
    The Exchanged Life
     
  3. Tim Myers

    Tim Myers Regular Member

    Messages:
    1,767
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Does your wife read Christian Forums??...............
     
  4. LWB

    LWB Regular Member

    Messages:
    728
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    I am deeply shocked at the impossible situation you find yourself in Spotlight41, and I wonder if this forum is appropriate to help you. I think this question would be much better addressed to the chaplains, or perhaps to some kind of counselor or mentor you could meet with in person.
     
  5. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
     
  6. singpeace

    singpeace Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    I am angry for your wife, and I'll bet God is as well.



    He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
    (Micah 6:8).

    The Lord shall judge the people; judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, and according to mine integrity that is in me.
    (Psalms 7:8)
     
  7. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational

    No she does not. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I am just looking for advice.
     
  8. sk8brdkd

    sk8brdkd Audio A Sk8er

    Messages:
    2,172
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    i honestly don't understand how you can make a "mistake" in marrying someone. That's a lifetime decision.

    How long did you date. Did you pray for a long time to see if it was God's will for you to marry her?

    My parents dated for 9 years. My mom told me that she prayed long and hard for years for God to show her if this was the right man for her to marry. She even said, she prayed up til the wedding day, that, if this was not God's will for her to marry him, then she would break it off. But, it was God's will and he wanted her to marry him and has blessed her for waiting all those years to marry him.

    Divorce does happen in both christian and non christian homes but God does condemn divorce which is why you should be sure you are marrying the right person, before you marry them. You're supposed to have your friends/family and church pray for you beforehand so that God could lead you. i just don't get how you could not love your wife or choose to marry her when you truly didn't love her.

    I just can't imagine that for the life of me. I know that when I find a guy that I think I want to marry, that I will be doing what my mom did -- pray hard for God to lead me and to open or close doors and to show me if who i'm w/ is the right person for me (i'm currently not dating and know nothing of marriage so, i can't really give u any advice but, i just don't understand)

    I'm not tryin to put you down for what you shared but, i'm just so completely confused about how you made the "decision" to marry her if you initally had no love or no true feelings for her or that's what it seemed like u were saying anyways. Please explain.....
     
  9. LWB

    LWB Regular Member

    Messages:
    728
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    Okay, here are my instinctive thoughts in the few moments I've been furiously considering your dilemma Spotlight41.

    You cannot pretend Eros, or romantic love, where there is none. But do not underestimate your capacity to stimulate a desire for your wife. If you are comparing her to women you find very attractive, of course she is going to fall short. What about experimenting with guarding your eyes against other women, so that your wife is the only femininity you have recourse to?

    As husbands and wives age and physical looks fade, it might be a common experience to find something repulsive about one's mate. Sometimes I am repulsed by my own image in a photograph, yet when I look in the mirror I kind of selectively see only the good points so I can have a good esteem. We all have bad angles and bad moments. We all have times of bad breath, bad hair, and other things that decrease our physical attractiveness. Sometimes our personality and behaviour is less than attractive. I know there are times I must have been repulsive to God, yet he sees me more than the person I was at that instant. Is there no way you can smooth over these difficulties?

    If the situation is insurmountable, would you be prepared to watch over her for the remainder of her life, if she didn't find another husband? Would you be available to her for financial and emotional assistance? She must be an intimate part of your life until you die. This is not something you can divorce yourself from and remain virtuous.

    I guess what I'm saying is there is more than Eros. There is Agape.
     
  10. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational

    It is said that God speaks to us through His Word. The Bible. When I met her it was through Bible study. I felt that God through his Word was leading me to marry her. I was trying to be obedient to what I thought I was being led to do. If I had to do it again, I would also do what your mother did. lessen learned!
     
  11. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational

    It is not about other women. It is about this woman. I do not think this is the woman for me. We married young. I know in my heart I made a mistake. I feel like all are saying this is my cross to carry. I do not think that makes for a very good life to live. But I asked and these are the responses I received, so thank you.
     
  12. LWB

    LWB Regular Member

    Messages:
    728
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    Spotlight41, it is only a cross if you are willing to carry it. We do make mistakes, and I'm not saying this is something you are condemned to bear.

    However, let's just say you divorce and find a fulfilling relationship with another woman, but your former wife does not re-marry and possibly falls on hard times, I would hope you felt some kind of responsibility to her. I would hope you could continue in friendship and Christian love, and be on the look out for her for all time.

    As an aside, I've been frustrated at people at this forum who seek God's will in regard to romance, and read things into Bible verses and other signs, when the decision should be left totally to the individual alone.

    If a person is head over heels in-love with another, this is the best sign as any that marriage could be fruitful.
     
  13. spotlight41

    spotlight41 Newbie

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Non-Denominational
    Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I would always be there for her as long as she would let me. I love her as a friend. I would always be willing to take care of her. I agree with you that using the scriptures as the sole reason for choosing a spouse is flawed. I think for some reason true feelings of love have not been given enough credit. I know that now. Thanks again.
     
  14. Terene

    Terene Bondslave of Jesus Christ

    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    Dear brother,

    Seeing that you have prayed to God about this for years, have you got any answer from Him in His Word?

    But I urge you in the love of Christ, brother, that you should not be haste in making a decision to divorce your wife, not only for yourself, but also for your wife's sake. Lord Jesus said clearly:

    But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

    Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

    When you divorce your wife just because you are no longer attracted to her and marry the woman whom you are attracted to, you commit adultery, and also cause your wife to commit adultery. God joined man and woman together so that they may be one, and it is thus not good that one should separate this relationship.

    You must know, brother, that true love is not an outward attraction and passion of emotions, but rather that of sacrificing yourself for the sake of benefiting others. Passions and emotions will pass away, so do outward attractions, but the love of God endures forever, and it is not about physical attractions or emotional tidings.

    Have you ever considered why God has allowed you to marry this woman, whom you claim you do not truly love? Have you considered and pondered about His purpose? Is He using you in some way that you aren't aware of? Or is He teaching you something through this woman?

    You have been married for years, do you have children? If so, all the more you should not divorce her for the children's sake. Love is about sacrificing self, and not caring only about how you feel about your wife or who you think you should spend a lifetime with.

    You admitted that perhaps you were haste in this marriage, but now I urge you not to be haste in divorcing her. In fact, I would advice you not to divorce her at all, simply because God has allowed you to marry her (whether mistakenly or not it doesn't matter). Love is not just feelings, but also actions. You can actually love someone through your actions, even if the passion is not always there. Treasure this relationship that God has put you into, and let Him guide you.

    But most importantly, pray to God to fill your heart with His love, so that you may be able to love your wife with the love of Christ, not based on your passions or your desires, but according to the Will of God.

    May God bless you all!
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
    who93 likes this.
  15. Teemu

    Teemu Junior Member

    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Protestant
    True love is defined in the Corinthians 1:13 it is not a feeling. The greatest reason for divorces nowadays is emotional materialism. Ecclesiastes 5:10 "Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless.". Just like this applies to persons who love money, this applies to person who loves "being in love", or any other emotion rather than the acts of doing what is right, rather than being loving. One who loves his emotional life (being in love and other emotions) is going to loose any hope of healthy emotional life, one who loves Christ, so much that he is going to keep his commands as well as possible, is going to gain it. For healthy emotional life, you must choose not to be slave of your emotions, but slave of God, choose to keep his commands and become a well of love rather than bucket yearning to be filled by "being in love". When you choose to love, also feelings come. Actions lead to motivation, not just other way around. Also I recommend you to read the Confessions by St. Augustine to realize how much better it is to be slave of God rather than emotions and lust.

    Remember that God doesn't contradict himself, any feeling that advices you to break his commands is misguidance of Satan, not guidance of Holy Spirit. However, as Paul the Apostle wrote God doesn't allow Satan to temp you more than you are capable to resist if you will so. Satan gave you this seed, you chose to nurture it, choose trample it before the harvest.

    Interestingly the science has proven the modern Hollywood concept of being in love to be wrong and the intense "being in love" is always going to go over sooner or later. The PEA, similar to amphetamine, chemical based phase, the intensive being in love, phase has been shown to always end sooner or later, within few years. The marriages that started from friendship have lower divorce rate than those that started from being high on love-amphetamine.

    However if you choose to follow this feeling of "being in love" that you falsely labeled "true love", see you again somewhere in 2015-2016 starting this same thread.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
  16. thesunisout

    thesunisout brother

    Messages:
    3,539
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Faith:
    Christian
    Hope this isn't going to sound harsh but I am going to get real with you here. Basically, you are in rebellion against God right now. That's how serious this is. God commanded you to love your wife.

    Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In the same way husbands should love their wives..." (Ephesians 5:25, 28, ESV)

    As Christ loved the church, you must love your wife. That's not like loving pepperoni on your pizza. That's like loving her enough to die for her. She is an image of God. If you don't love your wife, you can't love God, period.

    Second, you are committing adultery on your wife. You admitted that you would rather have married someone else, so obviously you feel attraction to her. This is part of your problem, and why are having trouble loving your wife. You can't let this other person go. You are contending with the devil here and it sounds like he almost has you worked over.

    Do you realize if you divorce your wife she can't get married again? Unless you die, you're it. She cannot get remarried for any other reason. Stop being so seflish and consider her feelings and obligation to the Lord.

    If you cannot love your wife it's because you're not following God, period. As I showed you, you're in rebellion and sinning right now. What you need to do is buckle down. Wipe this other woman out of your mind. Rededicate yourself to your marriage. Renew your vows. Go on romantic dates. Do whatever it takes to obey Gods will. You need to change your ways before this situation gets a lot worse for everyone involved. I will pray for your reconcilliation. God bless.

     
    Matariki likes this.
  17. seajoy

    seajoy Senior Veteran

    Messages:
    4,620
    Likes Received:
    7
    Faith:
    Lutheran
    People do not fall in love - they choose to love. You have chosen to defy God and not love your wife. Stop saying you made a mistake by getting married to this woman. Start thanking God for what He has given you in her. Your focus is off base.
     
    LilLamb219 likes this.
  18. susanpath32

    susanpath32 Newbie

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    My friend,

    You have come here humbly and honestly for genuine advice. It is clear that you made an honest mistake. One that many people make. This is why people should take their time before getting married. You know that now. If you have prayed and know that this is not where you need to be, you should do what you feel is best for you. God does allow for mistakes. Jesus died on the cross so our sins would be forgiven. You do not have to suffer this way. Life is not meant to be a miserable existence. You serve no purpose this way. Your coming to this realization is the answer to your prayer. Now you can move forward in clarity and not confusion. I wish you all the best.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
    pinkstars86 likes this.
  19. Life2Christ

    Life2Christ Guest

    God gave us free will and no man can tell you what you can and cannot do with your life. If you want to divorce your wife for another woman you are free to do so. However, be forewarned that the grass is usually not greener on the otherside and the 20% your wife is lacking, may be the 80% your new wife lacks.
     
  20. susanpath32

    susanpath32 Newbie

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Faith:
    Christian
    That 80%-20% is not always true. Oftentimes, people made a mistake in their choice of their first spouse and are clearer in what they are looking for the second time around as a result of experience. The grass is not always greener, but sometimes it is. Many second marriages are often better than first ones because both parties now realize what is important in a marriage. Some people are not compatible and should not stay together making their lives miserable. Especially in situations of abuse. This person who has posted does not sound like he is making a hasty decision. He has prayed about it and thought it through. We should also wish him well in his path and not try to scare him into staying in a bad situation.