Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

[spotlight41]

Why are you ignoring my post? I'll tell you why, because it points out your sin.

I'll reiterate:

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

That means, love her enough that you would be willing to die for her. Is this clear enough for you?

This is why Paul told us not to get married, because some people are too selfish and all they do is think about themselves. Woe is you? WOE IS YOUR WIFE WHO HAS A HUSBAND WHO DOESNT LOVE HER!!!!!!!

Matthew 5:32

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Does this bother you at all? Do you know she won't be able to remarry unless you die?

You keep saying the word mistake. Are you saying God makes mistakes?

Mark 10:9

"What therefore God has joined together, let no one put asunder."

This means you. Not only did God NOT make a mistake in bringing you together, but He is also allowing the devil to test you to see if you're going to sin and divorce her.

Why don't you love your wife? Did you forget that she is the image of your Creator? Do you know if you don't love your wife then you can't love God either? You need to get your head straight.

You need to turn your entire attitude around. Get this idea of divorce out of your head. Get this idea of mistake out of your mind. The devil is whispering that word in your ear. I suggest you figure out how to obey your Lord, and soon. I can tell you this isn't looking good and I am pretty sure God is angry at you over it. I will pray for you. God bless.

No one is ignoring your post. You offered an opinion, I do not have to agree with it. As you can see from other responses there are many opinions. This is yours which I find to be extreme and skewed based on your interpretation. Thank you for offering it. I am not sure what else you would like me to say. Be well.

 

[spotlight41]

No I am not stuck on the "other woman" I am focusing on you saying you have been in love before and know the difference. I am trying to understand what YOUR understanding of either IS.

So when she moved away did you stop loving her? If so, how long after she went away? What happened that made you stop loving her?

I am not sure what your point is in this line of questioning. It is totally irrelevant to anything. I have heard what you have to say and appreciate you sharing. Take care.

 

[Teemu]

Again, it is not really about the other person, I should not have mentioned that, people seem to be stuck on it. I am not married to that person because I was much younger then and she moved away for work reasons. I married my wife because I felt compelled to do so by what I was reading in the bible. She was a woman in my bible study.

So the "true love" towards this woman who showed you "true love" ended before the relationship and marriage with your present wife? How could it end if it was "true love", either before the relationship or during it? What will you do when you run out of "true love" towards your next wife?

 

[spotlight41]

So the "true love" towards this woman who showed you "true love" ended before the relationship and marriage with your present wife? How could it end if it was "true love", either before the relationship of during it? What will you do when you run out of "true love" towards your next wife?

I did not write this post to have to be on the defensive about one part of the post that is really of no consequence. I am not sure where you are from but people do have people in their lives that they may once have been in love with but due to life circumstances they did not end up together. It happens. Maybe never to you but it does.

I do not feel any sense of compassion in your post but more of a judgment based on one sentence I wrote. I never said anything about marrying again or anything like that. I have prayed about this issue. I have not yet left my wife. I came here genuinely for sincere advice. The problem I am having is not one that is uncommon. However, based on the amount of harsh responses and unfounded judgment, I do not think I will ever post again. Thank you for your response.

 

[emilyloohoo]

I'm sorry. I feel for you honestly. I feel the judgement coming from many of these posts. I'm shocked really. PM me if you wanted to talk privately about what your going through, without judgements on my behalf.

 

[thesunisout]

No one is ignoring your post. You offered an opinion, I do not have to agree with it. As you can see from other responses there are many opinions. This is yours which I find to be extreme and skewed based on your interpretation. Thank you for offering it. I am not sure what else you would like me to say. Be well.

It's not me who is saying it to you, it's the Word of God. What I posted is very clear. You are commanded to love your wife. If you don't, you're sinning. If you divorce her, you're sinning, and cause her to sin.

You're saying your marriage is a mistake and God doesn't make mistakes. Right now you're sinning, and you need to be corrected. You need to get with the program and buck up. This is how you are being tested. So rise to it, and do what God commanded you to do.

If you don't want to agree with the bible, I am afraid this is the least of your problems.

 

[Teemu]

I came here genuinely for sincere advice. The problem I am having is not one that is uncommon. However, based on the amount of harsh responses and unfounded judgment, I do not think I will ever post again. Thank you for your response.

Sorry if it came out harsh, but I have given advice. Try to change your views of love and happiness, this is the only permanent fix, first with the Bible then with historical, sociological and scientific facts. All of them conflict with the modern romantic view of love. Both happiness and love are choices.

 

[spotlight41]

Sorry if it came out harsh, but I have given advice. Try to change your views of love and happiness, this is the only permanent fix, first with the Bible then with historical, sociological and scientific facts. All of them conflict with the modern romantic view of love. Both happiness and love are choices.

Thank you. I will take this into consideration. I am really not talking about feeling constant butterflies around a person or anything like that. I guess it is difficult to explain, but those who have been there seem to understand. Living in misery with another cannot be what God wants. But I understand what you are saying. I will continue to pray. I appreciate your input.

 

[BlueJay83]

Love is a choice,, in saying that i certainly do not always "feel" attracted to my wife.
And to be frank, I to am a little "put off" by her sometimes.

Do i regret marrying her..?
I don't know.. I'd kill anyone that hurt her I can tell you that. I'd give my own life to save hers.. So yea I do love her.
I just dont feel attracted or IN LOVE all the time.. and i do ponder what life would be like with someone a little more like me.

So,
I don't have an answer for you.. I'm just saying you aren't alone in "wondering"

 

[treasuredheart]

I have a feeling what other people are trying to ask when they mention 'another woman'. You also stated you know the difference between true love and force love.

You don't have to answer this question but by any chance do you think you're still in love with this other person you were with before? (Even if you're not in contact with that girl, she could still be 'ideal woman of your dreams' you constantly reminisce about)
---
Regardless of what answer you come up with ...you are asking others for answers when really I'm sure you already know the answer to your question. "Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore. "

Notice how you yourself didn't really neglect that fact. The truth is everyone will be judged.

" If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. "

I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 7 and I hope you can overcome this, don't stop praying.

 

[spotlight41]

I have a feeling what other people are trying to ask when they mention 'another woman'. You also stated you know the difference between true love and force love.

You don't have to answer this question but by any chance do you think you're still in love with this other person you were with before? (Even if you're not in contact with that girl, she could still be 'ideal woman of your dreams' you constantly reminisce about)
---
Regardless of what answer you come up with ...you are asking others for answers when really I'm sure you already know the answer to your question. "Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore. "

Notice how you yourself didn't really neglect that fact. The truth is everyone will be judged.

" If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. "

I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 7 and I hope you can overcome this, don't stop praying.

I am not still in love with any other person. I have been faithful to and focused on my wife in the time I have been with her. That is not the point. The reason I stated that I did not want to hear that regarding divorce is because there are alot of things that God does not like. But, we all fall short. And so people make mistakes in other areas. They may lie, steal, backslide etc. But they pray for forgiveness and mercy from God. But with this issue no one wants to truly discuss it, they just give that generic answer without considering the situation. That is why I said that. I have gotten some honest opinions from people who did not have to state that and I appreciate it.

 

[Gabe7]

I am not still in love with any other person. I have been faithful to and focused on my wife in the time I have been with her. That is not the point. The reason I stated that I did not want to hear that regarding divorce is because there are alot of things that God does not like. But, we all fall short. And so people make mistakes in other areas. They may lie, steal, backslide etc. But they pray for forgiveness and mercy from God. But with this issue no one wants to truly discuss it, they just give that generic answer without considering the situation. That is why I said that. I have gotten some honest opinions from people who did not have to state that and I appreciate it.

What do you think you will gain by divorcing?

 

[spotlight41]

What do you think you will gain by divorcing?

This is an important question that I truly need to think about. I will not answer it in this open forum, but I appreciate you asking it and I will think about this.

 

[Incariol]

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

Pretty much, yes.

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life.

Man up? You will live the same way people have for centuries in which arranged marriages were common in the West.

Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

That is something you are going to have to figure out between the two of you.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason.

Sure seems that way.

I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.

God hates divorce. Getting married is a major decision, I'm sorry you were so irresponsible. Unfortunately, our decisions have consequences. Unlike children, adults don't get to have the consequences of their decisions smoothed over.

 

[susanpath32]

God knows your heart. You cannot fool him. So if you try and pretend, He knows. So, there is no point in this. Life is meant to be lived not to spend it suffering. You seem like a decent man who has not made any hasty decisions. I am so sorry that you have felt judged. Trust me, I know many other couples in your shoes. They are just going through the motions and keeping up appearances, but slowly dying inside. This makes no sense. Talk to your wife. She may be feeling the same way. Start there, but know that your feelings are not abnormal and this is a difficult decision. Take Care

 

[treasuredheart]

I am not still in love with any other person. I have been faithful to and focused on my wife in the time I have been with her. That is not the point. The reason I stated that I did not want to hear that regarding divorce is because there are alot of things that God does not like. But, we all fall short. And so people make mistakes in other areas. They may lie, steal, backslide etc. But they pray for forgiveness and mercy from God. But with this issue no one wants to truly discuss it, they just give that generic answer without considering the situation. That is why I said that. I have gotten some honest opinions from people who did not have to state that and I appreciate it.

The quote that I brought up in my previous post was to show you that you need to find a way to make it work between you and your wife.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
I'm sure you will find your answer soon enough!

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

 

[Maremma]

I was not trying to judge you. I am trying to understand you. Your feelings, not just the words you are saying. I am trying to understand what it was in the first relationship that you had that you are missing in this one.

There was something about the first girl that made you choose to love her. There was something that made you able to stop loving her too.What were those things? Only YOU can answer that.

I'm not telling you what to do one way or the other. People are going to do what they are going to do whether scriptures or I tell them not to. Plenty of other people have pointed to the scriptures that are applicable to this situation.

I'm just trying to help you make sure you consider ALL facets of this dilemma you have found yourself in. What happens if you go ahead and divorce your wife and then later consider other facets and realize you have made another terrible mistake? THAT is what I am trying to help you be sure you don't do. You have been thinking about this for quite some time but you have been thinking about it alone. It is not always wise to do that when we have to make big decisions.
First and foremost we must be seeking GOD, then wise council. It seems based on the things you have said that your heart is hardened against hearing God speak to you.

You thought He told you to marry this girl so at one point you could hear Him and now He is silent? (Unless I missed something you said and you are still able to hear Him) Now don't feel judged because I said that. It happens to ALL Christians at some point in their walk. It seems to be part of the growth process.

The most important issue here is your personal relationship with GOD. Leave the wife out of this for a moment. How are you feeling about HIM? How often are you seeking Him in His word? How often are you praying for Him to make you more like Jesus? How often are you asking Him to help you with this problem? How open are you to hearing His answers? The whole problem may have NOTHING to do with your wife and everything to do with your relationship with God.
I CAN promise you this. God may well be willing to forgive us for our sins but He will not "protect us" from the consequences of our choices. There is far more at work here than just will God forgive me if I divorce my wife.
He doesn't give us "rules" just to see if we will be obedient. EVERY commandment is protective in nature. Every time we sin we give license to the devil to torment us. We put ourselves outside of the will of God, out from under His wing when we choose to sin. We CHOOSE to put ourselves in satans cross hairs. Once he gets a foothold in us we are helpless on our own. If you think your miserable now just wait until you get out from under His wing! I am not trying to be mean here. I am trying to warn you because I have BEEN there and it is NOT pleasant!
Before you make any decision take time to pray and study about the connections between sin, satan and bondage. God says His people die for lack of knowledge. We have not because we ask not. ASK the lord to teach you and show you these things. AFTER you have a deeper understanding of these things,and yourself THEN come back to this decision.

 

[visionary]

When God is silent, He is watching.. He wants to see how you handle things.. from all the things you know about His opinion up to now..

 

[Teemu]

Thank you. I will take this into consideration. I am really not talking about feeling constant butterflies around a person or anything like that. I guess it is difficult to explain, but those who have been there seem to understand. Living in misery with another cannot be what God wants. But I understand what you are saying. I will continue to pray. I appreciate your input.

Maybe butterflies is not really a good term. But the more intense phase of being in love, infatuation, limerence, what ever the correct term, generally goes over in few years.

If we look at history and even on present day, the variety of marriage arrangements and the view on love varies greatly by culture. We have everything from romantic love of a man and woman, to arranged marriages of a man and a woman, to arranged marriages where man has option to marry several wives, and in Amazonian rain forests there are some tribes which are internally polygamous, both husband and wife can have sex with any tribe member. Arranged marriages were more of a rule than exception in Europe up to 19th century. This variety shows that the modern concept of romantic love is not in our blood, the way we choose to marry and love is mostly value question greatly affected by the surrounding culture. Most of those who lived in non-modern Western romantic marriages were content in their marriages, probably even more happy than your average Western couple today. The view of love pushed by our culture affects our thought patterns, but we can change them.

Also I'm not sure if you are already doing this, but try to spend at least as much time on prayers thanking God for your wife and all her great qualities you can find in her as person, as in prayers asking for help in your relationship.

 

[Terene]

Thank you. I will take this into consideration. I am really not talking about feeling constant butterflies around a person or anything like that. I guess it is difficult to explain, but those who have been there seem to understand. Living in misery with another cannot be what God wants. But I understand what you are saying. I will continue to pray. I appreciate your input.

Dear brother,

I sincerely apologise if my previous post came as offensive or judgmental, and I urge you not to be discouraged by the posts of our fellow brothers here. Their tone may not have been right, but let's have benefit of the doubt and think that they mean well for you. Forgive them my brother and be patient in hearing good advice. It may not always seem pleasant, but a good advice can save a soul from destruction.

But I believe that at one point the brethren have been right, that having the thought of divorcing is a sin and ought to be repented of. Whether you had the thought or not, I know not, but if you indeed had such thoughts, you ought to repent to God and your wife. It is also important that you communicate to your wife about this and ask for forgiveness if you had hurt her feelings.

I know I may not be able to sympathize with you wholeheartedly seeing that I am unmarried and haven't met the one God ordained for me, but I still urge you in Christ to remain with your wife as long as the marriage is intact and there is no fornication from your wife. This is a direct command from the Lord, and it IS 100% for our good, whether we understand it or not. You may suffer as a result, but did you ever think if it could be a test from God to see where your devotion and obedience to Him is? Perhaps the Lord allowed you to marry your wife so that He will see if your heart puts Him first or your own desires and passions first?

Remember the story of Job, whom satan instigated God to bring sufferings upon, and how he patiently endured all the sufferings that he got for nothing? This is the kind of faith that we ought to have, and one that pleases and glorifies the Lord. Consider what you are suffering now, and what Job suffered, do you think it is right for you to think that suffering for nothing is not what God will allow? Consider even more the Lord Jesus, who suffered even though He was without sin, what are our sufferings compared to His? If God allowed even His Son to suffer for nothing so that we may be saved, should we also not suffer if it brings glory to God?

Please consider what I'm writing here, brother, and pray to God earnestly about it. Do PM me if you want to speak privately about anything. May God bless you and your wife.